Honesty.. It's the best policy

So this evening I was talking with my wife about - I honestly don't recall - nothing important just small talk.

I made a comment though about "Honesty being the best policy" and she really laughed at that so I asked curiously "What does that mean?" referring to her laughter.

Basically she said that something like an "accidental one night stand" - I wouldn't tell you about it because it would ruin our relationship!

I mentioned that a one night stand is very intentional and couldn't have happened by accident - that's how I feel. I also pointed out that if your primary relationship in your life was put on the backburner for a little bit of fun with someone else theres a much larger problem.

So anyway I started asking little questions like "So If I.." whatever with another woman, you wouldn't want to know?

She then went on about the cost of couples therapy and how expensive it would be and she wouldn't want to pay for it for a "stupid mistake I made".

This conversation happened on my lunch break while at work - More often than not, I go home on my break as I don't live too far away and it's convenient - I get to spend time w/my kid and my wife.

I couldn't help but wonder after I went back to work - Did she possibly have a "one night stand" at some point?

I know we've been working through some issues with communication - it almost seems like we don't talk much anymore and the lack of intimacy - well it's there too.

So I couldn't help but ask her a bit more about it when I got home. She knew then her comments bothered me a bit and honestly they did. If that's really how she feels - Thats a bit concerning - even if there is nothing to hide.

I by no means made any accusations, just to be clear!

I tried to get back into the convo we had earlier by asking what we were talking about before I made my honesty is the best policy comment. She didn't recall and neither did I so it must not have been important and it wasn't about relationships. She asked me if I thought she may be hiding something - I really haven't considered it - so I told her no and she shifted the convo to our kid...but honestly after that it kind of makes me wonder.

What would drive her to bring this up? Seemingly out of nowhere?

Just straight up asking her might be a little out there but it's on my mind now. Should I NOT talk about it because there could be repercussions to our relationship? Clearly I've got a trust issue - never did before tonight. Help!

What should I do?

Gleak

I can't really tell you what to do because I don't know your wife or your relationship and I am not any type of expert. I do feel that honesty is the best policy and if it were me, I would tell my spouse my feelings on this. It doesn't have to be an accusation. It can be just a discussion about trust issues relating to you. This will take the pressure off.

Hope this helps a little.

Thanks for the reply. It does help. I will definitely bring it up to her that I would like to discuss honesty and both of our stances on it in more depth. I'm certain that we had this conversation in the past and we were both on the same page - honesty is the best policy!

I recall I mentioned to her that the person having the affair would have to live with it and if it were me the guilt would be hard to handle and unbelievably hard to bear alone. She replied with she would have to live with it anyway why make it so both parties have to deal with it?
then we talked a minute or two on how the trust would be gone completely ( and rightfully so I may add ) and would take years to get back. She's right on that one though. It would take years to recoup trust after something like an affair.

It kind of hurt when she changed the subject so quick - but I'll make another attempt to talk about trust - not necessarily on the topic of an affair but how we both stand and hopefully why we have that stance.

How long have you been married? Other than this conversation, do you have any reason to suspect she had a one-night stand? Are you prepared for the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear?

What she might be telling you is that in her opinion, it is not cool to relieve the feelings of guilt by burdening the other party, which seems to be her current stance. She might be telling you that she would prefer not to know if you had an affair. Since she shifts the conversation topic so much, she appears anxious. She might be telling about something that happened in her life in the past, or she might be telling about how she would prefer you to handle issues in the future in your life. It is hard to say but continuous discussions would eventually tease out where she stands. She and you might be in a disagreement on this one. Both of you have valid points to make. She might be trying to collect intelligence on how you would be expected to react in different scenarios, or, she might be awkwardly revealing her own vulnerabilities. From what you have described, so many explanations are possible that it is hard to say what your wife really thinks and what she cares about now for the most part. Too much ambiguity.

Unless you want to drive yourself crazy - drop it...quit letting yourself think about it.

If there are legitimate problems in your marriage - get help - the cost is worth it.

Thanks for the replies.

brainhi - Believe me I had tried to drop it. I laid down last night & just couldn't fall asleep. It was after 5 a.m before I finally did. It's ridiculous!

She and I have been together for about 10 years now. Married for roughly 5 of that.

Our lines of communication have almost always been good. Granted, we didn't always see eye to eye but that's ok.. Kept things interesting!

We've had some rough patches before we got married about her behavior w/other guys but nothing we weren't able to smooth over by discussing it. What sticks out in my mind most when I think about this was one day I came home from work (We were engaged at this time) and she was chatting on her laptop with a new guy friend.

She had made plans to meet up w/him already and invited me along. Of course, I agreed - why not? So I asked if she minded if I talked w/him online for a moment or two and she agreed.

When I started typing, I couldn't help but see the previous chat that they had - it was quite long and full of sexual inuendo. I got upset and IMO I was rightfully upset - My fiancee was asking some guy she's never met - but had plans to - who lived only a few miles away from us - what he wanted in a woman they were both discussing sex, openly.

So yeah I never went to go meet that guy and I don't believe my wife did either. We smoothed that over - it took a while but we did.

This is probably the only time I ever really thought that maybe she possessed the ability to cheat on her partner.

Aside from this - sure we've had our ups and downs but it's a marriage - it's not smooth sailing all the time but we make it work because thats what we want.

That being said - If what you say hamster-bamster - is her opinion - and it differs so greatly from mine on a matter that shouldn't be taken so lightly (trust in general) it would seem that we have to talk about it - I feel that I need to.

There are problems in my marriage but from what I know - they're not huge relationship crushing problems.

Even before this conversation yesterday - my biggest issue w/our relationship is lack of communication and intimacy and it's not due to lack of effort.

Sounds like there is some work to do to make things better - but make sure you are not worrying about something that never happened.

I'll admit it's on my mind but what concerns me more is her line of thinking. She told me yesterday she had never cheated on me I take that at face value. I didn't ask she volunteered that info

But based on our previous conversation she wouldn't tell me anyway to preserve the relationship - in which case there was a large problem to begin with that was never addressed so what is there to preserve? Do you see why I think her thought process is skewed? Or is it just me? Over dramatizing

There is no way I can tell if you are over dramatizing - but your feelings are real. And you really think her thought process in not right...after 10 years? Is there more going on? Is this the tip of the iceberg? If the rest of the marriage is good - it is worth coming to terms - just do not let your imagination destroy something that may not be true.

I believe you need to sit her down and calmly tell her how you feel and tell her you are worried and you are unsure if your worries are warranted or not. Tell her about your worries, your concerns, your uncertainties, your wants. Ask her to listen and try to understand where you are coming from. You also have to listen and try to understand where she is coming from. You both need to try to understand each other.

There are plenty of great therapists and counselors out there, and the price fluctuates and there are some with sliding scales that work with your pay. I suggest you two find yourselves someone to talk to. She may feel more comfortable communicating with a mediator/interpreter in the room.

Best of luck to you. We all have ups and downs in our relationships and sometimes we need help to work through the downs and the hard times. Sometimes we just cant to do it alone.

10 years is a lot, especially if you were 25 then and 35 now. She might have changed. People change, and change a lot, due to internal processes and external circumstances alike.

Since in one post you said both that your lines of communications have almost always been good (towards the beginning of the post) and that your biggest issue with the relationship is lack of communication (last sentence), it is evident that your relationship is currently in the state of flux. That is pretty much all that can be said with confidence. She might be testing waters or she might be, awkwardly rather, trying to see how you personally would handle having your own relationship outside of marriage if you ever have one.

Because these issues are awkward to talk about it for most people, since so much is involved - insecurities, ambiguities, uncertainty, self-doubt, doubting the spouse, and many more - this is not an easy topic of a discussion at the coffee table... at least not for a lot of people. Overall, I would be leaning more towards the hypothesis that she is testing waters and feeling you out because something has changed on her end (not that she has acted on it, but she seems to be contemplating changes). I am saying this because from what you have written, you, on your end, are not generating ambiguity and uncertainty; you are rather forthright and consistent. So unless she is trying to tease out how you would handle a hypothetical love interest of your own from many angles (which is possible if she is particularly anxious and insecure, but she does not seem to be from what little you have written), it seems that she has her own doubts and possibly temptations of a special kind and it testing how you would react under different scenarios. Since she volunteered info, it seems that she was trying to assuage your fears, and I think you were absolutely right to take that volunteered reassurance at face value, but on a moving forward basis, she might be having second thoughts about the marriage arrangement you are having. It does not mean that she does not want to be married to you, though. It is just that she might be communicating how her line of thought has changed by now, and is unsure of how to communicate it to you better. I do not think you are overdramatazing because you see a change of pattern - she says things that she did not say before. I would casually say something along the lines of: "Hey, lately you have mentioned a certain topic again and again - if you just want to sit down and tell me what you think, you are most welcome to do that." and see how she reacts. I would call a "certain topic" a "certain topic" specifically to create ambiguity for her and see how she resolves it. If she immediately gets what topic you are talking about, then yes, this has been on her mind a lot. If she gives you a blank stare, then likely you have been overly anxious and the topic is not on her mind a lot. If she gives you a blank stare, you can back off with: "Oh, never mind. It seemed to me that something has been bothering you a lot - never mind." And see how she reacts then. Basically, turn the tables and test the waters back to her.

I think, since none of us are in the relationship and don't know her as well as you do, I would just approach her with the thoughts and just tell her how you feel, and see if you can spark a conversation about it.