Where to find a single guy interested in a relationship?

Dating has always been very VERY difficult for me, because most people tend to not want to talk to me, let alone be friends or something more. I guess when you're lonely, you give off this sort of vibe that repels people for some reason.

Anyways, I just had my 31st birthday, and now I'm as depressed as ever about being so alone. I'm also sick and tired of the stupid sayings people keep telling me to try and cheer me up. They annoy me more so than anything and make things worse. I'm talking about sayings like "You need to love yourself before you can love someone else" or "Love will come along when you least expect it".

I feel like I'm running out of time as my biological clock is ticking and my mother's side of the family is known for early menopause in the females. My mother had early menopause, her three sisters all had early menopause, and as far as anyone can tell, Grandma had it too (although she was a very proper woman and never spoke about such things).

I know this sounds incredibly weird, and doesn't make much sense, but I don't know for sure if I want kids or not, and want to keep that avenue open. So, I want to be married, or at least be in a relationship in the next 9 years, until I reach the age where either I'm too old to have kids, or I'm no longer physically able to due to early menopause.

I've tried online dating, and even wound up in a relationship, but it ended up a failure because the guy felt we made better "friends" than lovers. He and I lost touch shortly after we broke up. I also figured he was using me to get over his ex fiance, as a rebound girl, and when someone better came along, he dumped me for her.

Anyways, I've had poor luck with online dating, and spent more money on it than I care to say, or am willing to deal with.

Other avenues I've tried all have failed too. In my job, all the guys are either married or too old, or something. So that's definitely a dead end. I've made connections with guys on forums, only to have them always deal me the same damn line "I'm not ready for a relationship". So yeah.....I don't hold out much hope for forum romance.

I'm tired of always being let down, hurt, or used. I deserve to be happy and have a man at my side. I'm just at a loss as to where said man can be found. I'm tired of the excuses, the "I'm not ready" BS, and the manipulation.

Why does dating suck so damn much?

Artchic,

You have a strong family history of early menopause. Mother and 3 aunts = a lot. I take it, Mother did not have sisters who had normal or late menopause? If that is right, that means that the history is extremely strong.

I have the opposite history and I can tell you - it does run in the family. My late mother had such trouble well after 50 because her ovaries kept working, and being a breast cancer patient, she did not need that extra estrogen, so the dr's had to CAUSE menopause in her - it was not coming on its own. My cousin - my mom's niece - had her firstborn, a single birth, without any medical fertility treatment, when she was 3 months shy of 45.

So given the strong family history, I would look into freezing eggs as your highest priority right now. Dating etc. can come later. It is expensive, but, your being worried and anxious and apprehensive and unhappy and depressed all the time is also "costly" - if not in monetary terms, but still costly. If you freeze eggs, you would release yourself from constant worry and that alone might make you happy enough to attract good dating material without effort. So I would seriously look into the options for freezing eggs.

While that is a good idea, I can't afford to freeze eggs....and I have a strong desire to let things happen naturally, as it's more romantic that way. Besides, if I were to be a mother, I want to be young enough that I can keep up with my child, and do all the activities associated with parenting.

I know this sounds irrational, but I just want to be done with the dating part of the relationship. Just done. I'm sick of that part. I just want to be in a relationship already. I don't care about the whole "the chase is half the fun" crap. It was never fun for me in the past, so I don't believe it will ever be fun for me anytime soon.

I think you can keep up with your child just fine if you have the child at 40 (your timeline - 31+9 from the OP). But, you may not be physically able to produce quality eggs by then due to the family history. That is why freezing them now would be a good idea - not to be un-romantic, but just to preserve the options. Also, if I understand correctly, women after age 35 are more likely to conceive a child with the Down syndrome, which is why freezing eggs before 35 and using them after 35 might be smart.

But if this is out of financial reach, then sure there is no point in discussing this option.

I guess when you boil down to it, I just want to have the experiences I've seen so many other women my age have....getting married being the most desired one. I want a guy to go down on one knee, propose to me, and slip that ring on my finger....I want to be able to be able to say I'm engaged.....and pick out a wedding dress, and plan a wedding, be both excited and nervous and....and....walk down that isle with my dad. My dad's 62 now....and while he's still very much active, I don't know for how much longer he'll be active. I dunno....maybe my dreams to experience those things are just that....silly dreams....

As for the down syndrome thing.....I don't know if that's true or not, because my aunt had her firstborn when she was in her early 30's and he has down syndrome. I always thought it was just a fluke of genetics and no environmental or biological factors were the cause.

Artchic, if you read these boards, you would find that many men want exactly what you want - no chase, but settling down.

Your dreams are not silly - they are pretty typical for women. I have never had such dreams, but I know many women who do, or, I know OF women who do. Very-very common and not silly. Plus, the part about your dad is touching and endearing. So nothing silly!

So, you're saying that the guys on here are looking for the same things as I?

I just wish some of them would look my way.......at least the ones who are single.....

I am saying that. I am not saying that it means that you should look for a partner on here - just that their presence on here is at least some reflection on the world outside you... a confirmation that such guys are findable. They exist.

I have once been invited to a curious meetup. I have no idea how I got matched up with that because I am white and not Asian. But the idea itself made sense. It was a meetup for Asian men and women who are at least 40 and who want to get married and not engage in chasing and play. Just serious interest only. If such meetup existed (granted, Asian people might be on average more family-oriented, but still), that means that enough people got fed up the way you got fed up, right? So such people exist.

If I shouldn't look for a partner on here, then where should I look?

I would try local groups, local meetups, and if online dating, only marriage-minded men (I think such sites exist), plus, some groups that are not for dating but would expose you to people with similar interests, such as a book club. Avoid meetups where there are no men (beading or crocheting meetups would not be good idea). If you are a college graduate and live not too far from where you went to college, connect with the alumni association and sign up for their updates and announcements. There may be events where people mingle. Some alumni associations offer events specifically for singles.

I was looking at meetup.com....but there isn't any singles groups that are holding events anytime soon. Really frustrating.

Wow, now that you have changed the avatar, I do see why you are Art Chic!

Are there any art meetups? that would be far better than singles meetups. And art meetups would probably have both men and women as participants.

No go....nothing around here that has a meetup coming up soon. Charlotte sucks...

There's a geek meetup that's happening nearby....but I don't believe I'm geeky enough for that. They are going to be watching a marathon of the 3 Hobbit movies...I've seen the first and liked it...but not the second or third...

I am getting frustrated to the point of tears here.....

Well, if it sucks so much, you need to start your own meetup. I know it is possible but I have not done it. It might be a really good experience for you, though, starting something on your own. I bet if you use this avatar for the meetup, people will come!

I might....

I am also looking into that Geek meetup....even if I'm not geeky enough. I'm just afraid I'll say something wrong or have a dumb blond moment and I'll feel all self conscious and embarrassed.

Like what if I try to talk about a character from the Hobbit movies and get it horribly wrong? I'll be so embarrassed......

EDIT: Looks like it's only going to be the first two movies...

The third doesn't come out until Wednesday the 16th of this month....

Totally understand how u feel.. i feel the same way.. and im 31 too.. so i get those frustation feelings of urs

Thanks Vantonius...guess I really am not alone...

I RSPV'd for the geek meetup. Still am unsure if I'm really geeky enough to be a part of that group....

I am sorry to hear you have been having trouble dating but you are 31 and I am sure there would be plenty of single guys out there around your age that would be looking for relationships and you just need to find them. I can only echo what other members have written on this thread and wish you all the best and wish you a Happy Holiday.

While as platitudes those statements may be annoying, the fact remains that they are said time and again only because there is a little truth to it.

I am not one to just go off and tell someone that they should "love themselves first" and leave it at that, there is a lot to be said about being independent and finding yourself before getting into a relationship. I do not say this as a person that just repeats what I've heard or something but from experience. Having been married for many years, in fact after 2 marriages, I realized I had always been looking, or in a relationship all my life, well, all my life as a person old enough to be in relationships XD But since my last separation, it's been nearly 4 yrs. I have focused on my life, my kids and independence and initially I have to say I was reluctant to go forward alone. I am not saying it was easy but 4 yrs later I am better off and still open to a relationship, but not actively looking or trying too hard for one.

Your situation is different, I know. You're 31, you have no children and have not experienced that or marraige and I do completely understand the feeling of urgency there. I won't minimize that, but I am merely saying that while you're still alone, do consider what I've said above. I'm no expert, but I think there is some truth to what I'm saying.

that it will happen when you least expect it, well no one knows that for sure but most times, I believe, the strongest and most fulfilling relationships happen by chance and not by forcing them to happen. I mean when you're enjoying your life, feel confident and comfortable on your own, mind you, that does not mean you stop wanting a relationship... That attitude, that confidence and self esteem will in turn make you even more desireable. Not that you're unattractive or undesireable now, just that it couldn't hurt. I think in essence that's what people mean when they say it will happen when least expected.

Another note to add to my first point, two independent people that meet and fall in love that are together not because the other is needed, is teh strongest foundation for a relationship. if you look for someone to complete you or make your life fulfilled, you will end up in a relationship that is typically unhealthy. summarizing two people who are together because they choose to be rather than need each other will be stronger as a couple. Independence is necessary for that.

Hope this helps.

As for meeting people, I dunno. I'm an extremely introverted person here so I have yet to figure out how to be out and about and meet people, let alone women. o.O

I am working hard at becoming independent, but it's really hard for me to do so. I've even taken a few years off of dating to focus on myself, but I've done enough of that. I'm so tired of being single and focusing on myself. So very tired.....

Sometimes the harder I look for things the harder they are to find or see. At the same time giving no effort is counterproductive to success. Some feel things happen at the right place, or right time. Some believe there is no predetermination and we create our fate. In the end, the more I give up on myself, or my dreams, the further they slip away. when I become fanatic about them I tend to become desperate and hasty. I have been in different relationships. Some chase, some instant, or at least practically instant, but I think there is always a mild chase phase. On one hand that is a memory in good relationships, on the other it can turn into a constant need for the chase. Men are kind of primal when it comes to love and the hunt is part of it. Women love to be adored. Any relationship without any chase becomes complacent. Men appear to have lost interest, women fell unwanted. Everything in life requires effort, patience, balance, and ingenuity. My question is, how do two people get to know each other without a chase of some sort? The longest relationship (and worst) that I have had was one without any real chase, short of during breakups and fights. And in the end it took me over 10 years to realize we never really knew each other, we never even had a real relationship. Just a cohabitation.

Well hang in there, I understand it's hard. I now how tiring it can be and lonely.. keep working on your independence and it's bound to bring good things, either way it's a win win situation, you gain independence and regardless of whether you meet someone you'll be doing better. If and when you meet someone you want to be with you'll start off in a better place that way too.

meh....it'll take forever for me to gain my independence and by then it'll be too late to think about dating....

That is probably true in the sense that I don't think we're ever entirely independent but it will remain something good to work on along the way No one says that your life has to stop while you work on this.

Have you tried looking on pof.com? Its a dating site and its free. Also, have you went to the social services office and asked them if there's any mental health meetups? Sometimes they will have an art group that you can go to.