What To Do?

So, I just want to know what everyone else thinks... So, here it goes. I am currently having trouble balancing my life. I am in contact with four people I love/have loved. What do you think I should do?

CODY - I loved him years and years ago; we recently got back in touch. He's sweet and gentlemanly. I don't love him, anymore. I've moved on. But could this eventually be worth getting into? He has a baby girl.

MATT - I waited for him for about a year, and we dated for one year and four months. I am back in contact with him, as well, after about three years... A lot was happening when we were together; he was very ill, and he lost his younger brother. He made me stronger. He was going to propose to me. He hasn't dated anyone else, just had a friend with benefits that didn't work out. He is Agnostic; I'm Christian.

RAYMOND - We dated briefly in high school. He waited on me for about five years. We got back together and got engaged. I broke off the engagement, because I didn't feel ready or like he respected me or my beliefs. He is still a virgin, as well. He says he is Agnostic, as well.

CHRIS - He's my best friend. We had some romantic feelings for a couple months, but he doesn't love me. I love him. We're still just best friends. He told me to get over him, but I cannot. He has a baby boy. Should I wait for him?

So, voting time! Who do you think is best?

I didn't vote, because I'm not sure I think any of the options are best. You might consider waiting for someone that holds you beliefs, respects you and that you both have a mutual love for each other. Don't settle for less.

Yes, I agree. Better add None of the above! Wait for the right guy and don't settle.

I'd like to "third" the vote not to vote. Rather than polling others, wait for the one that you won't have to question.

You need to add a "none" option...

You have too many feelings for way to many people at the same time. Maybe you need to just be single for a while.

Really, It's ok to be single.

+1 on none of the above.

In detail:

Cody+Chris have little babies, each. This is something that would need a lot of positives to outweigh. Not that babies are a negative, but it means that Cody+Chris had babies in fairly irresponsible ways, or at least there is a high chance that they did, because they are available to you so early in their children's lives. Plus, you might not be ready for step-mothering. It is a tough path - not something to choose without a lot of thinking. So, without ruling them out, let us see if you have anything so positive as to outweigh the fact that there are little babies involved.

Cody: you do not love him.
Chris: he does not love you.

So this is sufficient to say that neither with Chris nor with Cody do you have enough positive to outweigh the existence of little babies who probably were not conceived in a particularly responsible way.

This is enough - once you rule things out, you do not need to regurgitate and consider other factors as this would just waste your time.

Process of elimination.

Next, Matt+Raymond are agnostic while you have Christian beliefs. Those beliefs are important to you, or else you would not have mentioned them. So this rules out Matt+Raymond.

Again, this is sufficient and we need not dissect further. Matt+Raymond are eliminated.

So none of the above.

You can probably tell that I used to teach multiple choice test prep .

POE=process of elimination. POE, POE, POE and we are done.

PS

You had 4 choices and by now 5 people have chosen NONE OF THE ABOVE and nobody has voted for any one of your choices.

I would say that it does not get more convincing than that .

None of the above...the Bible says let thee not be unequally yoked with an unbeliever...if you MUST choose one...pick the one who is also a Christian if one of them is in fact also a Christian...if not...wait for another believer.

Listen to hamster-bamster!

I agree.....NONE OF THE ABOVE. There is no reason so just "settle" because you don't want to be alone......

Sounds like you need some more time to get to know yourself a lot better & to become more self-confident & self-sufficient on your own before you ever get involved with ANYONE.

Focus on a career & being able to take care of yourself without being dependent on a guy to take care of you so that if you do get married & it doesn't work out like we all plan they will.....you won't end up trapped with the person.....& when you focus your whole life on a guy they get bored with someone who has no other interests.

Get your life together & if the right person shows up who has feelings for you & you have feelings for them & they are of the same beliefs (Christianity) as you are & you take some time to really get to know them....then consider having a relationship with them.

I met this guy in September & by spring I knew there were serious personality issues.....but stupidly went ahead & got married because he was a nice person......HUGE MISTAKE!!!! Listen to that little voice inside that tells you about incompatibility because for me, 33 years of a miserable marriage, I finally left for the same reasons I initially had for NOT wanting to get married in the first place but went ahead & got married because he was nice & my mom assured me that he would "grow up" when he had to with.....like I said....BIG MISTAKE....& a lot of wasted time of my life spent with someone that was nothing but fights for all those years.

Don't get into a relationship in the first place with the wrong person & you won't get trapped into a bad marriage.....there is NOTHING WRONG with being selective....it saves you a lot of grief.

CG,

I have come back to see where the voting has taken you. I was not surprised to see the consistent "NONE OF THE ABOVE" response .

I did, however, reread the post and got a tad worried on your behalf.

Only wrt to Chris, though.

The first three guys - you are just describing the normal, messy ebb and flow of relationships. This and that. Not a cause for concern per se - a bit confusing, but that is just how complex lives are this day and nothing worrisome.

What is worrisome is your not "getting it" with Chris.

Let us see:

- Chris is your best friend so it is unlikely that he is trying to mislead you, play with your mind etc.
- Chris told you that he does not love you
- He told you that you should get over him

This is a very clear, unambiguous, and unequivocal "NO" on this part.

Then you wrote that you cannot get over him.

That was very reasonable and understandable and both I and countless other people can attest to the fact that getting over love feelings is extremely difficult.

So far so good, on you part.

The bad part is that your concluding thought/question was about actionable items - you asked whether you should wait for him.

Obviously, you should not wait for a person who told you, without mincing words, that you should not.

It is one thing to say that you cannot get over the feelings, and not only is this understandable but you are certainly deserving of compassion for loving somebody who does not love you back as this is one of the toughest life stations to be on an EMOTIONAL level.

It is another thing to ask whether you should wait for somebody who, in essence, told you not to in three different ways.

So this concluding question makes the impression that you on some level live in the world of illusions and are out of touch with reality - I do not mean in a psychotic sense as if you were hallucinating - but in the sense of your unwillingness to accept the reality no matter how harsh it is and adjust your plans accordingly. Sort of not psychiatric "out of touch with reality" but purely psychological "out of touch with reality" and consumed by baseless optimism.

Accepting harsh reality is tough - no questions about it - but without taking this step you would not open yourself up for future possibilities which might be realistic for you. You would be marinating yourself in unresolved feelings feeding them with unrealistic hopes.

So however painful this surgery is for you, you need to accept that Chris is not an option and would never be an option.

Accepting is would be really tough and take some time and internal struggle, because "burying" love is always difficult, but in your case with Chris, there was some feeble hope for you when he had romantic feelings for you for a couple of months and that sort of "hooked" you on him because there was that vague possibility that now makes you go "I wonder" and doubt the finality of his "no". So the path ahead is not a piece of cake, but I wish you luck and perseverance on this path or else, forever waiting for Chris, you just might miss a good gentleman down the road. I am not saying you should look for more gentlemen now - you already have a handful - but you should work towards making your feelings of love for Chris not actionable. You feel them, but they do not make you change the course of your life

If you settle in this "I have the feelings but I am not going to act on them", then eventually, with time, they will dissipate and release their hold on you. But if you keep that flicker of hope of ACTION wrt Chris inside you, it would be just that more painful and disappointing. Not productive or useful for sure.

Another none of the above here! If you really wanted any of them, you wouldn't have to ask.

Thank you all for the responses! I have ruled out Raymond and Matt, purely because of their beliefs. Hamster-Bamster, I want to thank you particularly for your input. I am working on being okay with accepting that Chris and I just are not going to happen. It hurts a lot, but I'm trying to cope. Cody and I are continuing to build on our friendship. Neither one of us wants a relationship, though. We've cuddled, but I've not allowed him to kiss me. I, also, met another guy at the rink I skate at, but he's not really my type. Friendly, though. So, I have all of this organized chaos going on in my head. I'd say controlled chaos, but I'm not too sure about that, yet. :/ I am starting to see why I loved Cody all of those years ago. But I do want to remain single for a while. It gets frustrating at times, but I really do think it is the best option for me...

CrazyGirl, you are doing well. Keep on thinking things through, and talking things over as needed!

Thank you, Bill3. I'm trying very hard to get my life the way I want it to be and to improve myself in all aspects.