[Stalwart]

Hi,
I'm sorry for the somewhat short introduction. I have recently found these forums and was hoping I could either get some feedback, or indeed support with what is happening in my life right now.

My wife has already declined getting some professional help which leaves this as my only option. For a while now (at least 6 months) my wife accuses me of abusing her emotionally every time we have an argument. I'm not sure if this actually the case though.

She is often controlling with the finances to the point that I have no access to one of our two joint accounts. I have been told she would prefer it if I didn't have access to either of them. She has also mentioned on more than one occasion that if I get my own account she will leave me. She checks my pay slips with the bank statement to ensure this is the case.

The current car is in my name as she "Thinks I will stick her with the payments", yet she also expects to have the first priority of use even above my need to go to work. If I deny her use of it I am accuse of trying to control her.

If I spend a lot of time with her I am too "needy", yet when I give her space I am ignoring her. If I buy her flowers I am asked what I did wrong, yet if I don't buy her anything I don't love her anymore.

I am not allowed to go out without her, and when I am left at home I am accused of cheating on her while she is away. I'm also accused of cheating on my 30 minute lunch break. She often looks through my things when I am at work as well to make sure I'm not cheating. Once she found one of our daughters hairs on my work fleece which also caused her to react very harshly towards me. She thought it could have been someone else's. I have always spoken very highly of her to both friends and family even boasting how Lucky I was to have her. I was told in the past this behaviour was due to the fact I met her while I was separated from my first wife yet not divorced so she was the "other woman".

I am often told to leave the house and not come back, but as I am a foreigner in this country I have no options but to stay, I have no friends or family which are able to help me over here. When I ask her to leave instead she laughs and says "not a chance". This is despite the fact we live literally 12 houses away from her mom and dad, and a 5 minute drive away from her sister. We still use the bed she grew up in so if we have a lesser argument it is "her bed" so I have to sleep on the couch.

When I do things like go out to the garage I make sure I have a set of house keys in case she locks me out. She hasn't, yet I feel that she will one day. I'm also not allowed to display any of my personal items around the house (Army photo's/awards), yet most of the house has her things in it. I always assumed this was just how it was, but no I'm not so sure.

I feel that she may be using this abuse as a way to set me up for something in the future. Any advise you can give would be great.

Thank you again.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, she is abusive of you on too many levels to even begin mentioning them in detail, so let me just say that you are a victim of economic abuse.

What country are you a citizen of and what is your immigration status in the United Kingdom? Since you mentioned working, you must have legal status and a work authorization. I am afraid that you need an attorney in the UK, unless there are enough people from the UK here to give you initial pointers. Clearly you cannot lead this kind of existence for much longer so you must start getting information and advice on how to part ways with her while retaining at least partial custody. She is a highly unusual person so you should be prepared for any kind of a scenario. She also is probably extremely vengeful (!!!), which is why getting legal advice as soon as possible is the most prudent solution. I know you do not have access to cash, but there must be some - they call them "legal aid clinics" in the US - something like this. Your situation is precarious - be careful and keep as much written evidence of what has been happening as possible.

Can you prove that you have no access to one of the two accounts? If you can prove it, then you have one piece of written evidence of being a victim of economic abuse. Everything else seems to be happening in spoken form so I am hoping that there a trail of breadcrumbs to show that she cut you off from one of the two joint accounts. Or does she simply have a password that you do not know? Can you still go into a brick-and-mortar bank branch to use that account?

[Yoda]

It does sound as though she is being emotionally/financially perhaps other ways abusive. One in seven men are abused. Most people think of just women when they hear about abuse but I think some men do not report the abuse they suffer for various reasons.

Here are some ways men and women can be abused. (click to enlarge) I hope you find support at PC.

[Stalwart]

Thank you for your replies.* I don’t have access to one of our two accounts as my wife has the debit card for it, and I don’t have the account number.* I’m not sure if going into the bank would allow me to use it, or if they issue another card, would it be seen as going behind her back, or would it look like I was hiding it if I kept it?

*I do have access to the other account, though it is highly interrogated every month.* If there is an entry for anything unusual such as a £9 for an odd store we have to find the receipt to prove it is correct.* After hours of stress it’s always proven that the spend was correct, though I’m left in such a state of stress afterwards.* It gets so bad, even getting her a present for her Birthday or Christmas is difficult, because I am unable to hide it without her knowing since she looks through my things, or she sees me buy it first.*

I’m not sure how she would react if she did find out I was seeking help, or a card for the account.* Normally she is the type that slams doors, or breaks things in anger only to then get mad if/when the things need fixed or replaced.* She then uses what I would call emotional blackmail by starting to cry when she realises that her current methods of yelling aren’t working. She often asks me questions with no right answers, and when I mention something it is twisted around to suit her needs at the time. *

*I’m a US citizen, with indefinite leave to remain in the UK.* Been working over here for the last 13 or so years.* I have tried to make friends over here, but every time I try to go out after work or the weekends the interrogation afterwards doesn’t make it worth the effort.* It gets to the point where I am no longer asked to do anything social with anyone.* If I discuss someone at work such as a guy called Charlie, I am always asked if it’s short for Charlene, or Mark is short for Marsha, etc.. My wife mentions that I am having an affair almost daily, yet my day is usually drive the wife to work, drop off the kids for school, go to work, leave work, pick up kids, and then pick up my wife.* I don’t go out at night, nor am I allowed things like Twitter, or facebook.* I’m not sure how someone could cheat like this, or why she continues to accuse me of it. ***

We have been discussing moving back to the US, but it would be under the terms that she no longer has to work and we get an unreasonably expensive house.* Again when there have been delays due to needing to go to the embassy or such I am told I am emotional abusive in delaying the move.* Unfortunately we don’t have the money or the time to do it all at once.* She also uses this in a lot of the arguments, such as if she divorces me I won’t be allowed to see my daughter and will be sent back to the US, or that she will call my mom to buy a one way plane ticket for just me.*

Even yesterday we had more issues before she went to bed.* I was told to apologise for how I spoke to her, which I don’t feel I did any wrong and it was me that was hurt.* She then proceeded to get mad at my daughter and chase her into the other room.* The argument she had with my daughter was loud, and it was mentioned the argument was my fault (Daddy’s fault).* Hearing my wife blame me for an argument with our daughter was very painful, and I can’t help but feel my daughter will hold it against me in the future.* I’m told I need to be seen as agreeing with her decisions in front of our kids, though I feel these are normally incorrect and done out of malice.* How can I agree with her when she is physically chasing my daughter to her room?*

This morning, she told me I best not be gone to work for very long as you never know when locks will be changed.* She then stood in front of me waiting for me to apologise, or admit I was wrong.* When I didn’t she started to cry and say I was again emotionally abusing her.*

One thing I don’t think I mentioned was the fact I have undiagnosed OCD.* I did try to go to counselling, but I had to take holidays to do it which soon became too much for me.* Not sure where down the line they would actually have diagnosed me with a condition.* Both my mom and my sister have it, and I show a lot of OCD traits.* Once my current issues are sorted I may see if I can delve a bit further into the issue.* My wife shows no compassion for my issue and often uses this against me in an argument.

[IceCreamKid]

How well did you know your wife before you married her? I can't tell if you mean she has started all of this odd and controlling behavior in the last six months. She sounds disturbed, but I agree with you that she also may be trying to lay groundwork for blaming you for "abuse." People can be disturbed and plotting.

Is there an organization in your community supportive of people of your country of origin? You need to make some friends and get some emotional support.

If you have joint bank accounts, you should have joint access. Call the bank from outside the house and ask to have that explained to you. And I would set up a different bank account only I could access and switch my pay to be deposited there, immediately. If you are the sole support of your wife, then you could transfer each payday what you think is reasonable to the joint account for her to maintain the house. I'd buy a new bed, too.

I also think she needs to see a doctor. If she refuses to go, call her doctor and tell him/her what is going on. Same with marital counseling. Go yourself if you have to. If you are seen as trying to help the situation her claims that you are abusing her will be more likely to be seen as the unreasonable ideas originating in her own head.

I hope this helps.

You are not in a relationship, here.
You are a victim.

I am so sorry.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Originally Posted by Stalwart

Hi,
I'm sorry for the somewhat short introduction. I have recently found these forums and was hoping I could either get some feedback, or indeed support with what is happening in my lif...e as a way to set me up for something in the future. Any advise you can give would be great.

Thank you again.

As you are well aware this terrible situation could end badly for you - I suggest talking to the Citizens Advice Bureau in the first instance (there is no charge):

Citizens Advice - Relationship problems
Citizens Advice - Immigration

[hamster-bamster]

Stalwart, would it be fair to say that you are in England just because of your daughter(s)? That if not for the daughter(s), you'd long be stateside? I hope the links from Citizens Advice would help you get started on clearing this horrible mess.

You asked about getting another card from the bank. Most likely, the branch would not give you a card - the card will be issued elsewhere and sent to you from the bank's central of specially designated card issuing office to the address of record. If the address of record is your home address, then the question is who opens the mail. Given what you have described so far, the answer is pretty clear - she does. So, you cannot get a card without her knowing about it. And any transaction would be visible anyway.

So you basically need local legal advice, and need it rather badly. Your wife is threatening you and blackmailing you - what are you waiting for? This situation will never improve but very well might escalate. Keep your passport in the office.

You said that you are on an indefinite leave in the UK. Does it mean that you can continue working legally if you stop being her husband?

If you could move everybody to the US where you have relatives, where she cannot threaten you with sending you away, and where you will have some network of social support, maybe this relationship may become more normal, but while she is on her turf, it will only became worse and worse.

For right now, to alleviate the stress you are subjected to when you have to account for your expenditures, take a snapshot of each receipt using your phone immediately upon buying something. Store the receipts in one folder and they will be available when you need them. It is horrible and humiliating that you have to account for small expenses, but right now while you are looking for advice on how to get out, placating her may not be such a bad idea/

[hamster-bamster]

You met her when you were married to your former wife. So - was it in England?

I am trying to see if your immigration status depends on being married to your current wife.

[Stalwart]

Thank you again for your help. I will try to look at some of the links when I am at work on Tuesday as it is difficult to do any research at home.

Me and my last wife are American. We were separated for about 3 years before we were divorced. My current wife and I were married in the US, but moved after about 1 year to the UK. My current wife is English.

I knew my wife for about 1 year before getting married. In the US life seemed perfect, though my wife changed almost immediately since moving to the UK. I still remember the first full day we were here she left me alone with her parents so she could go out clubbing. She did this for the first 3 or 4 nights. She has been different, but has gotten worse as time goes by. Most of the time I end up doing it her way which has lasted me this long. More recently I have stood up to her. She tries to do things I've seen on the movie Gaslight. She tries to correct my memory and make me doubt what I said was true. I would like to take notes, but I fear these would only be found.

If I were to remain married I was hoping the whole family would be able to move back to the states, but if I get a divorce I would like to stay with my two daughters. If this meant staying in the UK then I would have to stay. I don't think my indefinite leave to remain is affected by a divorce, so most of her threats I would assume are not true. I think the only thing I can't due is vote as I am not a citizen, only a resident.

My main issue is getting help, as she will only find out about it which will cause some major issues, also if I have to pay a lawyer it would also cause major problems.

Tonight she associated a discussion about financial freedom as not wanting to stay married. She also said she was donating blood on Thursday, and was going to use her car. Not my car, or even our car, but her car.

It seems the more I don't conform to what she wants the harder she is pushing me. Her current favourite thing to do is start an argument in front of the children, then when I respond she tells me to be quiet in front of them. She then comes back 5 minutes later and says something else, and the cycle continues.

Thank you again, your replies are really opening my eyes.

[hamster-bamster]

Well, I thought of suggesting that you watch Gaslight, but since you already realized, on your own, that that is what has been going on, your eyes are already open.

On top of this forum is a subforum about Divorce. I would post there. The title should be something along the lines of "An American expat in England is a victim of gaslighting abuse & needs help divorcing his English spouse."

Hopefully this would yield practical advice.

[Rose76]

This woman sounds awful. What drew you two together?

I don't even see a pathway towards a better relationship. Sometimes, you just have to cut your losses and walk away. Sadly, there is a daughter involved.

[hvert]

You really do need to talk to a therapist and a lawyer. This sounds really unhealthy and could end very badly if she is engineering stories about you and controlling all account access.

I would also consider this: what on earth can she really do to you if you create a new bank account and start direct depositing your check? Lock you out of the house? Make you sleep on the couch? Divorce you? If she has stayed with you this long, perhaps she is mostly talk and less action - a lot of people who make these kinds of threats are.

If you sell the car that's in your name, would you have enough to pay a lawyer?

[hamster-bamster]

I think they only have one car, hvert. OP described the morning and evening routine and they appear to be using one car, so selling it is not an option.

OP - think through the scenario hvert suggested with respect to your own bank account. What is the worst thing that can happen? Locks changed? You can call the police if the locks are changed, I suppose, and they will let you in since you must be either on the title of the house if you own or on the lease if the house is rented out (let) to you. You have your right to shelter and can exercise it. Just do not move out because moving out would backfire later in a custody dispute.

[hamster-bamster]

Stalwart,

As you see, a lot of people who have responded to you wonder how the two of you got together in the first place. Apparently, when she was not on her turf, she acted differently.

I have also noticed that you use the passive voice a lot when describing her. You do not say:

- she said
- she did
- she asked

but rather you say:

- I am being told

and more of "I am this" and "I am that".

The impression I get is that of ritual abuse. I do not know much about ritual abuse except that it is one of the worst kinds of abuse in terms of the challenges of treatment. Mind control also comes to mind. The thing is, when you write "I am told that", it almost sends shivers down my spine to read it and picture it - as if the whole universe around you and not just your wife were telling you this or that. As if you were completely trapped. It does come with being gaslighted, but it seems that in your case gaslighting is especially pervasive.

Why don't you read this to see if it rings a bell?
Mind Control: Simple to Complex « End Ritual Abuse

[Evening]

Abusers will often label the person they are abusing as the one who's being abusive. That happened to me. Apparently I played mind games, controlled people and manipulated them to get what I want. I was a teenager and he was in his 40's and with my mother- OF COURSE I was the one in full control there. And 10 years later these things still get to me.
Somehow accusing someone of trying to be controlling can actually work to make themselves more controlling- you become more placid attempting to prove you've done nothing wrong, in turn giving them more control. A lot of the time they will be testing you, to see how far they can push you before they build up on the abuse. If an abuser attacked someone out of the blue during a seemingly great relationship, the victim would not be as likely to hang around as they would be if there had been months of manipulating them into believing they're worthless and deserve it. Abuse is a process.

[Trippin2.0]

As was mentioned before, you are the victim of abuse here.


As a survivor of abuse, one instance being within the context of a romantic relationship, it is my duty to urge you to stand up for yourself.


Sometimes, when you have an ex like mine that means disappearing silently, because your life is in danger...


Other times, it means we need to put down our foot and reject such treatment head on.


Whichever scenario fits, this is true for both:


The longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to do.


Because you start believing your abusers lies, you get lost in their web of lies, manipulation and deceit... You end up doubting yourself, your worth, your sanity. Eventually you lose yourself.


Stop living in fear.


Get your own bank card, if she screams at you, ignore her, go for a walk, don't entertain her rants and don't give her ammo.


If she changes the locks, call the locksmith, the cops, whoever you need to. You have rights too.


If she threatens to have you deported, remind yourself on what grounds? She is not the law, she doesn't have the power to send you away just because she feels like it.


Dammit, report her for abuse if you have to.


Just however you decide to do this, stand up for yourself. Not only for you, but for your daughters too. Teach them that this is unacceptable. That people deserve to be treated better.


Love yourself enough to put an end to this.

[Stalwart]

First of all, Thank you again for your help and encouragement. Sorry for the delayed responses, since I can only respond from my phone during the day, I have resorted to sending an email from work to my phone and copying onto the forum during my breaks.

After reading your comments I’m becoming concerned that my marriage may be over, as I do love her even though she may be doing these things to me. Is this also part of the problem that I still love her after all of this? Am I part of the problem?

To answer a few questions and possibly more, my wife and I met while I was in the US Army. I was on a mission in the UK and ended up meeting her. I missed her when I left and asked her to visit me when I lived in the states. After 1 year she was planning on going back to the UK, but I didn’t want her to leave. I asked her to marry me and we were married in the states a few months later. The marriage was great for about 1 ½ years up to the very day we arrived in the UK. I can’t remember if it was the same day we landed, or the next day, but she then ended up going out to the clubs for the next few nights. I recall one night I pleaded with her to stay in, almost on my hands and knees hoping she would stay home. It was a strange country with her family who I didn’t really know. Her parents got involved and my wife ended up going out anyways. My wife still brings this up to this day trying to say I was controlling her to stay in, to the point once we got our own house that she was afraid to go out as I would have an issue with it. I only had an issue as we were in a foreign country to me for only a matter of hours before she was leaving me alone with what were strangers to me.

As we lived with her family for a few months until we could afford a house on our own, her family also became a huge rift in our marriage. Her dad used to drink from the Milk carton, then offer me some, he used to leave a great deal of hair on the soap which I then had to use for a shower, they use spoons for stirring their tea and don’t wash them, they used to pass wind all of the time which made me have to leave the room on more than one occasion, belching, etc... Her family never tried to embrace my differences since I’m an American, they instead pushed for me to change to their way. While I was grateful that they let us stay, it would have been great is they were a bit more considerate. If there is ever a difference in opinion her family always wins over mine. If my wife asks me a question like how to get to a certain place, she will always ask her dad even if I know. Even though I know or have a way to get there, the in-laws way always seems to be the best in her eyes.

When we looked for our first house, this became another issue, as my wife didn’t want to live very far from her family. We ended up in a house about ½ mile away from her Mom and Dad. It was closer than I liked, but it was a nice neighbourhood in a decent house so we bought it. At that point I was glad to gain a bit of space from the In-laws which was a bonus for me. We had our ups and down, but nothing that I would really consider very bad. I still had access to all of our accounts, and didn’t feel like I was really being controlled in any way.

With one kid and another on the way we ended up needing a larger house to raise both of them in. This again raised the issue of moving too far away from the family. We found some nice houses 2 to 3 miles away, but to my wife this was too far. We ended up in a house which is only 12 houses away from them. This of course comes with even more issues. I find the in-laws come into our house a lot, but it is justified as they needed to get something for our kids. I often find the mail is brought in, sometimes shirts are folded, or other things moved. It’s an unsettling feeling knowing someone has been in your house when you’re not there. If I’m ill or if I end up going home for a minute this is usually is met with a call from my wife wanting to know what’s wrong as she had a call from her parents that I was at home.

When I leave work at 4:30pm I have exactly 30 minutes to make it home to pick up my kids from the in-laws who look after them 4 days a week after school. This can be a push with traffic at the end of the day. If I’m not home by 5:00pm or at a push 5:05pm, I am told I’m late, and again the wife hears about it. This adds fuel that I am cheating or having an affair if I show up 5 minutes later than expected.

It’s frustrating, but when my wife does have a go at me for cheating, or doing whatever wrong like buying fruit at the store for her that wasn’t on Sale (it amazing, but she yells at me for not getting a good deal when she sends me to the store on my own, or if I buy something for myself), I try to stand up for myself, but I’m only met with the reasoning that I’m arguing because she is right. I have never contemplated, or thought about cheating on her at all. I’m not allowed to look at any other women, nor watch any questionable moves such as who framed Roger Rabbit. The UK have these newspapers with a half-naked women on one of the pages, but they sometimes publish deals like 10 pounds off of shopping or such. I don’t normally buy them because I don’t want to, but also because I’m not allowed, but when there is a coupon in them I can buy it with her knowledge, though I have to give her the paper for her to rip out the page with the woman on it, then rip out the coupon, to then recycle the paper.

When I am looking at the web, I am met with some resistance. A few days ago I was looking at reviews for some kindle ebook readers thinking I might put it forward as a gift idea for me for Christmas. I was even looking at pottermore.com which is the official Harry Potter website. She isn’t very happy when I do anything like using my phone, or computer. I usually get the evil eye while she looks over my shoulder, asks me what I’m looking at and normally has some displeasing comment about it. Last night I was watching some DVD copies of Red Dwarf on the computer as she was watching the main TV, she started to yell out of the blue at me saying she “didn’t know what or who I was looking at on that thing!” I could only reply Red Dwarf which was the truth. I took out the trash on Monday and was asked “What was I hiding in the bin”. I then offered to get the trash back out for her to look at.

Before we were married I was a very active person who liked to run, sing for the local church, and enjoyed going out dancing. I used to be very much complimented on both, though my wife says I am a horrible dancer, and has always asked me to stop signing around the house. I lost a lot of self-confidence, though until I have been on here I never really thought about it much. Since I have been married I’ve gone from a skinny 170 lbs to almost 300 lbs. There is even an issue when I try to go for a walk or a run. I can usually go out for 3 or 4 days before I am met with the statement “I never give her a chance to go out for a walk”. So this causes me to stop, even though the wife never ends up going out. Later on in an argument either weeks or months later it is always brought up that I gave up doing this or that, when it was her that caused it.

I have two daughters with her, and to be honest I don’t like to think of what may happen if I’m not around if she ends up losing control. When my oldest daughter was only 4 or 5 she was throwing a fit on her bed and my wife yanked her back up dislocating her arm. My wife says it was to stop my daughter from hitting her head, but it’s still in the back of my mind. If we do divorce won’t it be likely that the kids will go with her? I just feel they would be so much safer with me.

Also about the car, it is our only one. I usually end up putting them on my name as I make more money and it’s easier to get the credit for it. We don’t normally get nice cars and have had some really bad cars in the past. Our current car is still used, but a lot nicer than some in the past, and I am trying to keep it as nice as possible for as long as possible. My wife doesn’t seem to understand that while I trust her to take good care of it, I don’t trust everyone else. She insists on parking next to the oldest cars, with very minimal space between them. We have had some really bad car door knocks in the past so I am trying to avoid this if at all possible (parking at the end of the parking lot, using the child spaces when our 5 year old is in the car, etc..). My wife works about 2 miles away from the house, where I work about 10 miles away. She also starts earlier, but finishes later (4 day working), so I end up taking her to work, picking up the kids, and picking her back up. I don’t think selling it is an option, as it would put both her and I at a hardship for not only getting to work, but also taking care of our kids.

Last night I spoke to her about not having access to one of our accounts, and wanting some financial freedom without being judged by her, or yelled at for trivial purchases (a bottle of coke and such). My wife said that it wasn’t possible and she needed to move out and separate from me for a while. When I mentioned that I would then need an account to safeguard my finances, she agreed, but only if she wasn’t with me. Was this another test? Why can’t she let me have some freedom and stay with me? Is that not the best option? She has stated she will be leaving on Thursday, but I don’t think she will follow through with it. I don’t think she can stand giving me any freedom.

With all of your help, I would like to think I am working on making things better, but it’s hard, I’ve made a life with her with kids. It’s hard to give all that up.

Thank you all again.

[~Christina]

I agree with the others this is Abuse.. I'm sorry your in such a mess.

One thing you might want to do that may help you see things in another light,

If your daughter was in a marriage and her husband treated her the way your wife is treating you, what would advise her to do?

You deserve a life that doesn't include abuse. You need to make sure your children are safe.. When your wife dislocated your daughters shoulder what happened ?

[Rose76]

Like the Chinese say . . . something to the effect of be careful what you want because you just might get it.

You were attracted to your wife because you found her dominant personality made you feel kind of secure. She was attracted to you because she liked being with someone who let her take the lead. You both sort of got what you wanted, but now you are both unhappy with it. I think what's missing is the love.

I think if you were with a woman who was dominant, but in a nurturing way, you would be ecstatic. But maybe the only way you can really have that is if the woman is your mother. This woman you met filled half the equation, but she is more bullyish than maternal. (Even with her daughter whose arm she dislocated.)

This woman you married picked you as someone with whom she could have the control she wanted. But she is not sure what her goal is in having the control. She's not really a good leader.

It's kind of like when two really attractive people get married because each just loves how the other looks, but then they find out that there is nothing deeper than that, and the bond fizzles out. You and your wife were strongly attracted to each other because you each have this powerful emotional need that requires unusual dynamics in the relationship. She has to be in charge. You need someone to take charge. You found that in each other, but, down the line, you found out that there was not enough caring about each other.

Even though she doesn't seem to show you much love, you still feel in love with her because she meets this emotional need you have for a very authoritarian partner. You may not be able to change that need you feel, but it might be worth trying to outgrow it to some extent.

Since there are young children in this equation, what you decide to do has big consequences. You might need to stay in the relationship to protect them.

To get clarity and figure out your options, you need to acknowledge who you are and what you need. You sent out signals to your wife that say, "Rule me. Rule me. I need you to rule me." She can't really be free to stop ruling, until you become willing to rule yourself. You have to stop saying things like, "I'm not allowed to blah, blah . . . . . " You are infantilizing yourself. You are play-acting like you are a little tiny boy who has to do what Mommy says. You have chosen that role, and that's what you were looking for from the start of this relationship. You can't totally blame your wife for not respecting you as an adult, when you are so committed to inhabiting this role of being her little son. At some level you are, or were, getting a lot of emotional satisfaction out of this role playing. But it's not without it's negative consequences. You're going to have to give up something to get something new and different.

You probably need professional help to change this pattern of interaction. Start by talking to the doctor you see for ordinary health concerns. You might get a referral that could be of help.

Your wife really doesn't have much more power over you than you give her. The two of you are playing a game that you can refuse to play.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Stalwart

Last night I spoke to her about not having access to one of our accounts, and wanting some financial freedom without being judged by her, or yelled at for trivial purchases (a bottle of coke and such). My wife said that it wasn’t possible and she needed to move out and separate from me for a while. When I mentioned that I would then need an account to safeguard my finances, she agreed, but only if she wasn’t with me. Was this another test? Why can’t she let me have some freedom and stay with me? .

Rose's post got me thinking... "speaking to her about not having access to one of the accounts" is putting her in the maternal role. And, speaking in this way abrogates your rights and power just like that, in one sentence.

Both spouses should have access to joint accounts. Plus, you are a higher earner in the family. Why does she get to say that it is not possible for you to have access to the account into which your salary is, presumably, deposited?

And then you ask "why can't she let" you have some freedom and stay with you.

So in this question you, once again, are abrogating your rights. You give her the power to let or not let you have some freedom and then lament that she is choosing not to let you have that freedom. Well, as Rose said, her power comes from you, and each time you "talk to her about" or "request" or "ask" for something that normally would be yours, you only reinforce giving her the power. This is something that needs to be stopped. It is extremely difficult to stop it, for sure, but unless you stop it, she will dominate you more and more.

There is also the issue of her judgment. It seems to me that her judgment is intact and that her incessant suspicions are just clever tactics to keep you under control; it seems to so me because the interactions you describe between her and her folks all seem normal - maybe not palatable to you due to the lack of good manners, but not abnormal as in "severely paranoid". Still, there is a possibility that her suspicions of your having an affair each time you are 5 minutes late show poor judgment and perhaps some paranoia.

[Stalwart]

Thank you again.

I basicly forced my wife to talk about our issues again. It was clear that my in laws play a huge part in our problems. I feel that possibly for the first time I was able to speak to her as an equal, though it took a while to get her guard down. There are a lot of things we need to work on.

I was able to convince her that I need better control of our money. It's been agreed we will keep a joint controlled account, but also have our own which will allow me more freedom in my life. My wife did ask if she could still look at my statements, though I hope this was a test question. If I said no I'd be hiding something or similar. Paperless banking sounds good to me though. I'm tired of asking for permission to spend 10 pounds.Let's hope it works out.

Most of her fears of me cheating appears to be a lack of self confidence from her. Maybe I just need to pick her up more? Or indeed I need to gain some strength myself.

I'll give it a few more days and see how it goes. Just confronting her was hard enough, but maybe that's what I needed?

[Rose76]

That's what you needed. It gets easier the more you do it.

Next time she asks, "Can I look at your bank statement?" answer back, "I'll have to think about that." Then you can let her, but at least you practiced pausing and not making acquiescence a reflexive response.

When you're at the breakfast table, and your wife says, "Pass the butter." hold off a moment or two. Take another bite of toast before you fulfill her request. That behavior in most people other than you would be passive/aggressive. In your case, it's a convenient way to build up those mental muscles of self-ownership.

[hamster-bamster]

Stalwart, how has it been going for you all along? You reported a lot of severe concerns and then disappeared. This might mean two things - everything has improved so much that you do no need support or have time for the forum, or, everything has deteriorated so much that you are no longer within your right to use internet uncensored by the wife. So either things are ok or things are pretty bad. We are worried for you and would appreciate an update.

Also, it has been a month since Rose posted, and the tiny, subtle, but oh so effective ways for you to say "not right now" she suggested could have worked by now if practiced consistently. Have you tried them?