[tiodlliwi]

Just curious- is it common for men to have very limited communication with their parents/family? My husband is not much of a talker or planner so we could literally go weeks or months without seeing or talking to his family and we only live 1/2 hour away. And it seems that it is nearly impossible for his parents to initiate a conversation or invite us over- they expect us to just "stop by anytime". How much of this is my responsibility as a wife to be the one to communicate/makes plans. Or perhaps, this is just they way they work together and I should sort of stay out of it? I don't expect to magically make my husband closer to his family but when we get together we do have a good time. It's just that no one initiates it so there's often a lot of time inbetween. Then I start feeling guilty "we SHOULD see/call more" and sometimes resentful "why doesn't he want to talk to his parents more?"

Any advice or others who can relate?

[sabby]

My ex was the same way with his family. I used to ask him why he didn't put himself out more to see family and partake in the get togethers without my pushing the subject. He said he just couldn't be bothered with them and only went because I was going. Go figure.

Have you asked your husband why he doesn't put more effort into contact? It sounds like it's something he learned from his parents if they don't put any effort out there either.

Frustrating isn't it???

Hugsssssss
J

[Wants2Fly]

I think it depends. My husband detested his mom. My last long-time mate loved his, saw her once a week when possible, and couldn't return to work for 10 days after she died.

[agony007]

My husband is the same way. We do not see his family often. After 2 years of I became pregnant and we initiated a closer relationship to his mom and his siblings (1 brother and 1 sister). His sister had no intention of meeting me until our son was born because my husbands ex-wife told them that the reason they got divorced was because he had an affair with me (not true). In any case she met me after our son was born and we were okay for 2 years. Then we decided to get married and since I had never been married and my husband did not have a formal wedding when he was married we decided to have a formal wedding. Well thats when all hell broke loose. His sister said she could not attend because her daughter had visitation with her father on the day of our wedding, ( she was suppose to be the flowergirl). Then we called his brother who was suppose to be the Best Man and he said he couldn't get off of work to attend our wedding but he was "very happy" for us. Then his sister called and said she could make to our wedding my 10:30 pm. Wedding ended at 12am. In that conversation she got into an argument with my husband and told him that she was not going to attend his f@#^ing wedding and he can stay with his "puerto rican family". They are Venezuelan and Chinese, I am puerto rican. Well as it turned out the only person from his family who attended our wedding was his mother. After that we really do not see much of eachother. I do not have any contact with his sister. I have contact with his mom. I don't call her as often as I should but now she moved in with his sister so I gather it will be even less now since my husband does go into his sisters house either. Sorry for the long post. Didn't mean to take over your post. But it isn't rare to be distant from your in-laws, your husband may have his reasons. I know my husband was raised that way they all do their own thing.

[InACorner]

Sometimes i wish my boyfriend (future fiance/husband) was alittle less close to his parents. I was always brought up to not be so close with parents and he is very close. While i admire that and let them have their "time" Sometimes i wish hed just cut the cord....
sometimes being so close can get smothery.....so maybe its not such a bad thing?

[tiodlliwi]

I have heard that as well... after many weekends my boss will complain about having to spend so much time with the in-laws and I can never relate. In fact, I will mention how I wish my husband was closer to his family and she will say something along the lines of "be careful what you wish for". Also, I can relate to the other issue of being somewhat too attached to parents/family. While I have complaints about my hubbie not calling or wanting to spend so much time, he often feels that I have trouble not being able to "cut the cord". So it does go both ways.

Also, his dad is a recovering alcoholic (sober for a year) and my husband was always embarrassed to go over there and very uncomfortable when we did spend time- especially for holidays when things were really bad. He even admitted once that he "always hated Christmas" because it meant watching his dad be a sloppy drunk and be out of control (not mean, but obnoxious). So it could be that even though he is now sober, he is just used to not wanting to spend time there.

Thanks for the posts.

[sunrise]

tiodlliwi, I don't think what you describe is related to being a man or not. Lots of women also are distant from their parents. If your husband is fine with his current level of interaction with his parents, then I wouldn't push for more. If you, however, really like his parents and want to spend more time with them, then by all means, find opportunities to visit on your own. At one point during my marriage, we lived quite close to my husband's grandmother, who I really connected with. She and I would get together on our own for lunch or to go to a museum or a walk in the park. It was really nice. Husband thought it was great--the girls out doing their thing. It was all very cordial.

[LMo]

Good point Sunrise.

My husband, though, is an extremely avoidant guy in general, but particularly and most painfully toward his family. His dad kinda dropped contact when my H was 14, and although my H's paternal grandmother has tried to contact H, the letter is still sitting on his desk unopened after 2 years. He only talks to his mother about once every 6 months, despite her sad phone messages at least every two weeks. Same with his maternal grandparents - his grandmother had a major medical problem which kept her hospitalized for over a month, and not once would he agree to call his grandfather to offer some support.

I'm not particularly close to my family either, but I find my H's avoidance of his family to be bizarre. I can understand holding resentment toward his dad, but it's flat-out refusal to maintain communication with the rest of his family for reasons he hasn't articulated. I feel really bad for them - it has to hurt