Does anyone else struggle to find others attractive?

So, I rarely meet people I find physically attractive. In the past, I've been out with quite a lot of men I didn't find attractive and I got used to it - I just thought that was what life is like. But because I've occasionally found the people I was with attractive, and know that feels much better - much more right - I kind of only want to go out with people I find attractive.

My problem is that this is extremely rare. It's true that if you meet someone aesthetically beautiful (extremely rare for me) then they lose attractiveness if they're a prick. But I've known a lot of great guys that I don't find attractive and they don't become more attractive to me just because they're great. They just become my friend.

I feel like I'll never meet anyone I'll actually want to be with and I feel like this is a psychological problem. It's led me to stupid places before, staying with people I should never have been with because I didn't think I had any other options (seeing as I don't want anyone anyway etc.) I'd rather be on my own than ever do that again.

This is going to sound arrogant, but there is such a thing as instant physical attraction because I see it in guys looking at me. They see me, then they want to hang out with me, and you can see it in their eyes. What I want is to feel like that about someone - to find them that attractive. And I kind of feel like it's unfair if other people have that and I don't. I feel like I child just saying that. But it's not like I haven't had it before. Like I say, there are a couple of guys in my life that I have met that I've thought 'wow, you're attractive' as soon as I've met them. But honestly, it's been literally a couple of guys in my 28 years. Two guys. I haven't had a crush since I was 18.

I'm sure this is a problem with me but I can't work out how to change it. What if my standards are actually too high and I never find anyone? But on the other hand, I just can't settle again. I can't face it. I want to go out with someone because I actually want to, not because I should give them a chance...

Bit of a rant, but I kind of want to hear if anyone else feels the same way.

Not certain how to change the laws of attraction, but your post sounds frustrated by limited options? And trepidation due to staying too long in poor relationships, that were agreed upon as to give the guy a chance? If you just don't mesh with them, find a quicker way out.



Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

I have the exact same problem! I've never met anyone else who feels the way I do, so I really appreciate your post. I'm a lesbian so my problem is finding women to date that I find attractive, which actually makes the pool of potential dates even smaller. For instance, I went on two dates last week-- both women said they were attracted to me, and I wasn't attracted to either. One of them I really liked as a person (we could be friends) but I would never find her physically attractive. When I was younger, if I found someone I liked personality wise I would give it a shot because people always say "if you like someone, they will become more attractive." Well, for me, it doesn't work that way. It just doesn't. I also want to date someone with substance (intelligence, career, drive, integrity, emotional capacity, etc) so finding someone I find physically attractive-- who also has substance-- is even more difficult. In fact, it often feels downright impossible. However, I know from past experiences that it is far better to be single than to date the wrong person. I was in a 5 1/2 year relationship with someone I was never physically attracted to because I honestly didn't think I would ever find someone I was attracted to! Finally, I did the right thing and ended that relationship-- and, about a year later, I met someone I was attracted to. It didn't work out for other reasons, but it showed me that finding someone I found attractive was possible. Just very rare. In my life, I've only dated three women I was attracted to. I have one celebrity crush as well but, clearly, that isn't a real life option. Personally, I'm holding out until I do meet someone I'm attracted to on evey level-- but I know it may take a LONG time! I've talked to my therapist about it, and she doesn't think there is anything wrong with me. She thinks that I want someone who has as much to offer as I do and-- given the small dating pool for femme lesbians-- she thinks there really aren't that many options out there for me. But, as she says, it only takes one!

You’re not alone.

I am Demisexual and the only way for me to become attracted to a person is for me to have a strong emotional connection with them and that wasn’t exactly easy to find and I can honestly say with the exception of my Wife and my first girlfriend I have only been attracted to two other women.

Ah yeah I do actually.

I just get called shallow though if I do admit that I want someone, a partner, I find physically attractive.

"It's what is on the inside that counts!"

Perhaps I am shallow but I don't think I could spend my life with someone I don't find attractive. Sure I could eventually become emotionally attracted to someone I don't find attractive physically. Its happened before. I just couldn't imagine doing anything romantic with them. Though I don't want to feel like I am lying every time I say they are beautiful. I guess I would rather be shallow than try to force something. I'm sure you are supposed to find your partner both physically and emotionally attractive. Anyone who says otherwise is just being painfully politically correct and should probably keep their thoughts to themselves.

I would rather be alone then with someone I don't find attractive.

I know you can develop an eye for attractiveness. I am not talking about sexual attractiveness but just appreciating the beauty of people. I grew up among white, black and Indian people. I did not see Asian faces when growing up. It was like imprinting. When I moved to California, most Asian female faces seemed ugly to me, whereas those perfectly symmetrical East Indian female faces with large moist brown eyes looked beautiful to me, probably because I grew up seeing such faces.

It took me a lot of effort and many years of trying to find beauty in Asian women, but now I have arrived and it feels so much more pleasant - because we have so many of them here, just walking through a shopping center and seeing so many attractive faces is a pleasant experience.

I also learned to see just how varied Asian faces are. When I first moved to California, Asian women looked the same to me. Now I know that other than all having straight black hair and brown eyes, they are as varied as white women's faces. And they have very attractive, charming, whimsical faces and a unique sense of style.

This is as a far as purely aesthetic appreciation of female beauty goes, but - it took me 20 years to arrive at this happy station, and I am sure you want a quick solution. The only possibly helpful tidbit from my experience for you is that I LOOKED, LOOKED, and finally SAW. I was not expecting to be WOWed - I tried seeing the beauty and finally succeeded.