[agatha9]

It happens with every guy I like. We're not even in a relationship yet, but I hate it when they don't text back. It's not like I feel sad or angry, no. I really do hate it. I start feeling nervous, anxious, angry, sad and desperate all at once. I start sweating cold, my heart beats very very hard and I got this feeling in my stomach as if I wanted to throw up. I also feel hurt, disappointed and kinda betrayed. I know I'm completely wrong, I know this just hurts me, but I don't know why I feel this way or what to do to stop caring so much.

This time I'm really sick. I wrote him but I didn't tell him. That was the third day I texted him. Not an answer. I feel like he doesn't care about me, like there's something he's been hiding from me... Why on earth hasn't he texted back in three days when it all seemed perfect? Why is it so easy for him to just forget about me? I feel the urge to unfriend him on facebook, because I already deleted his number. I can't keep on stalking him via whatsapp or line ir whatever, I can't let myself text him one more time just to be hurt by his silence. I know this sounds extreme, but I'm writing exactly how I feel because I need some help and I know some of you have felt the same. Thanks guys!

[healingme4me]

Well, if unfriend on fb, run risk of looking dramatic. How many days, usually go between talking/texting? How often do you see each other, off the technology scene?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

[scorpiosis37]

Well, you said you are not in a relationship with him. Those first few dates are about getting to know one another and determine if you're compatible and if this might lead to a relationship. If he is not texting you back, it probably means he does not want to take things further. Yes, it hurts, but it's just the way things go when it comes to dating nowadays. It would probably be easier if he was up front about it instead of doing "the fade," but most people still use the "fade" approach because it is less confrontational. This is easier said than done, but it can sometimes help not to put too much of an emotional investment into those first few dates. Until there is a mutual declaration of interest and a relationship is established, it can be emotionally risky to invest too much.

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Well, if unfriend on fb, run risk of looking dramatic. How many days, usually go between talking/texting? How often do you see each other, off the technology scene?

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

We were seeing each other every two weeks. Usually it just takes a few minutes, maybe a couple of hourse for him to text me back. He has never done this before.

It's a bit awkward with him, cause I did something I shouldn't have done and I know I may have hurt him. Two weeks ago was his birthday. The week before his birthday I fought with him and I stopped taking to him. On his birthday I posted a happy birthday e card on his wall and he texted me really happy the next day, but then again he said something that made me feel really mad at him and I told him I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. He insisted in trying to change whatever made me angry but I was "determined" to end up that friendship. One week later I confessed I was jaelous because one day I went with him to his dance class and even though I made the effort to be there, he insisted that his sister in law danced with us. His brother and that girl are friends of mine and they always go with him to that class. But that day I was there. Why he insisted in having that girl there too? Well, I told him this, we talked and he was sweet as always. Two days after that he stopped texting me back... I kinda feel like I deserve the silent treatment for being so immature, but still it hurts. I hate not knowing why he stopped texting back.

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

Well, you said you are not in a relationship with him. Those first few dates are about getting to know one another and determine if you're compatible and if this might lead to a relationship. If he is not texting you back, it probably means he does not want to take things further. Yes, it hurts, but it's just the way things go when it comes to dating nowadays. It would probably be easier if he was up front about it instead of doing "the fade," but most people still use the "fade" approach because it is less confrontational. This is easier said than done, but it can sometimes help not to put too much of an emotional investment into those first few dates. Until there is a mutual declaration of interest and a relationship is established, it can be emotionally risky to invest too much.

I hope you can read the answer posted before this. He said he felt so comfortable with me, like he only feels with his sister. We think we are compatible. We have said a lot of sweet things. Just before I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore, he told me he hadn't felt so good and so happy in such a long time that he doesn't even know how long it's been. I kissed him on the forehead and I can swear we both felt so in love... Well, then the story of the post above.

We'll see what happens. For now, I can't afford to be so dramatic, cause I'm going through a really strong asthma attack that I can barely breathe, so I can't let myself turn into that paranoid anxoius girl. But what really confused me is that I believed everything was just fine! And what upsets me the most is that I need to stop feeling this way everytime any other guy stops texting/calling.

I totally relate. What I have learned from numerous relationships if a guy doesn't text you back as quickly as you would like on a consistent basis then he's not worth the risk of pain. In my experience no matter how close you get to someone if they don't reciprocate your level of interest it's a recipe for heartache.

[agatha9]

What's really confusing is that he never did something like this before.

But again, this time I feel like I need to change my thoughts and the way I feel when confronted to silence. I need to find a way to care less, specially when the guy is not yet my bf.

[Alone & confused]

Originally Posted by agatha9

It happens with every guy I like. We're not even in a relationship yet, but I hate it when they don't text back. It's not like I feel sad or angry, no. I really do hate it. I start feeling nervous, anxious, angry, sad and desperate all at once. I start sweating cold, my heart beats very very hard and I got this feeling in my stomach as if I wanted to throw up. I also feel hurt, disappointed and kinda betrayed. I know I'm completely wrong, I know this just hurts me, but I don't know why I feel this way or what to do to stop caring so much.

This time I'm really sick. I wrote him but I didn't tell him. That was the third day I texted him. Not an answer. I feel like he doesn't care about me, like there's something he's been hiding from me... Why on earth hasn't he texted back in three days when it all seemed perfect? Why is it so easy for him to just forget about me? I feel the urge to unfriend him on facebook, because I already deleted his number. I can't keep on stalking him via whatsapp or line ir whatever, I can't let myself text him one more time just to be hurt by his silence. I know this sounds extreme, but I'm writing exactly how I feel because I need some help and I know some of you have felt the same. Thanks guys!

I know the feeling. I tend to flood inboxes on whatsapp, emails like a crazy woman! I have to come here to PC to distract myself sometimes.

[~Christina]

Usually if a guy is very interested he is going to be all about calling texting and seeing you. Its okay to meet people and for one reason or another someone just isn't that interested. It happens, it just means that you maybe just not his type for a varity of reasons

. Yeah it hurts, But learn from each misadventure. In the future just have a date, maybe text him the next day saying you enjoyed meeting him and spending a lovely meal together. Stop there. If he responds Great , if he doesn't that's okay too.

I cant tell you how many men I have gone on a date with that I honestly could not wait for the date to end, I don't like people just dumping out all there problems for instance to me, first date no less or even second date. I don't want to be his Therapist, or I meet another guy that seems to just be in love with himself.

A few guys I really liked , thought we had things in common yet nothing became of it , who knows why, I just dismiss them as "wasn't meant to be.

In this day and age of social media , people have so many options of meeting people.

Keep hope alive, be kind to yourself and keep yourself busy doing things you enjoy.

[agatha9]

Thanks to both of you.

I didn't write the whole story because I don't think it really matters. What I'm sick of is myself. My ex boyfriend used to give me the silent treatment every few months cause he knew it really works on me. Whenever my mother is mad at me, she just stays silent for days and days until I apologize. I have this issue with silence. I just go crazy when people stop talking to me. And I believe that's the biggest problem.

On the other hand, I need your advice now. So I think it's time to tell the whole story.

This guy is the brother of a friend of mine who thought we could make a nice couple. I was reluctant to meet this guy and he was so quiet when we met, that I thought he was nice but I was not sure of anything else. One thing I knew is that he made me laugh. Then he friended me on facebook and we started chatting. He told me a lot of things, he opened up very easily and he felt comfortable with me. He even confessed that he has a mild autism and that he has a rough time making friends. Everything was so good we went out for about two months.

At some point we were discussing something that made us feel awkward. Then he didn't text me and I didn't text him so five days passed and finally he asked me if I was mad at him. Turns out it was just a misunderstanding. And now I'm hoping this is a misunderstandig too. But last friday I asked him if I did something to upset me, but then I unsinstalled viber, so I don't know if he responded. Still, there are other chat apps we have so he could have said something...

Last time we really talked everything was fine, I believe. Then he didn't answer for two days until friday I asked him if there was something wrong, but besides uninstalling viber, I told him that I had no time for dramas or issues, but I didn't explain why... I was at the hospital. I could barely breathe and I just wanted him to tell me everything was fine to feel a little bit better.

Now I don't know what to do. I'm not really good at decision making. I know I can text him but I also know that it might hurt me or even reinforce some behavour. I know I can keep silent and wait for him to miss me enough to give me a text or even a call. I must confess I'm very influenced by my ex boyfriend's constant silent treatment. I know that when a guy doesn't talk to me I become obsessed and then is when I mess things up. I want to do things differently this time. What do you think my ex boyfriend would have done if I hadn't got too desperate whenever he gave me the silent treatment?

I need to stop being such a good victim of this kind of punishment...

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by agatha9

We were seeing each other every two weeks. Usually it just takes a few minutes, maybe a couple of hourse for him to text me back. He has never done this before.

It's a bit awkward with him, cause I did something I shouldn't have done and I know I may have hurt him. Two weeks ago was his birthday. The week before his birthday I fought with him and I stopped taking to him. On his birthday I posted a happy birthday e card on his wall and he texted me really happy the next day, but then again he said something that made me feel really mad at him and I told him I didn't want to be friends with him anymore. He insisted in trying to change whatever made me angry but I was "determined" to end up that friendship. One week later I confessed I was jaelous because one day I went with him to his dance class and even though I made the effort to be there, he insisted that his sister in law danced with us. His brother and that girl are friends of mine and they always go with him to that class. But that day I was there. Why he insisted in having that girl there too? Well, I told him this, we talked and he was sweet as always. Two days after that he stopped texting me back... I kinda feel like I deserve the silent treatment for being so immature, but still it hurts. I hate not knowing why he stopped texting back.

Well you mentioned that he was sweet and everything before you said something about not being friends anymore. I have to be completely honest with you, I don't think you're giving all the details. You said to him that "you don't need all the drama" or something to that effect but truth be told it seems you've done things to make thim clam up, back away and then you blame him for drama.

What I see is (and this is from experience because I've been here) that you think of the worst things when anything negative happens, you ruminate, then spiral out of control obsessing and worrying about every little detail of any certain event. If a friend, bf or otherwise does indeed talk to you again, I feel you might then unleash on them either in emotional frenzied texts or messages or in some kind of very emotional state. Truth is, not every guy, or girl can handle too much of that without a very strong bond and relationship with the person already and if this is a new relationship that may be exactly what is happening.

[agatha9]

Thank you, you are so right. I've been completely out of control. I know it's no excuse, but I am having such a rough time and I've been through so many losses this year, that I overreact every single time.

I told him I didn't want to be friends anymore about two weeks ago. I explained to him what was bothering me and I also told him that I couldn't stand him being so condescendent, not for the time being. A week later I told him that I hadn't been completely honest and that I had felt jaelous of his sister in law, cause he insisted on having her around when I really made an effort to be with him at some time and place. We talked and we realized how much we care about each other. He even told me that something I told him touched him to the point of making a tear fall down his cheek. He told me I am amazing and fascinating. Next day we talked about our passion for music and he told me he'd send me a recording where he is singing and that I would have to pay him back with a recording of mine. I told him not to pressure me, but that I would do it eventually. Next day I fell sick, so I asked him to cheer me up cause I felt really bad, he sent me a bear hug and I asked him to tell me joke, he did and that was it.

Last friday I wrote something like this "hey, I haven't heard from you in a while, I hope I haven't said something that upsets you... I can't talk much right now and I am definitely not to make a big deal out of this, but I really miss you." I don't find a proper translation for what I said, cause we are latin and we speak between us mostly in spanish, so... I thought I could translate what I said as drama, but it's more like "I can't talk about it the way we talk about a lot of stuff where we go in circles, I need it quick and straight to the point right now".

Then I uninstalled viber and the story goes as you already know. I believe it's just a misunderstanding and maybe I should call him.

[hamster-bamster]

Calling him is a very good idea. remember that no apps, icons, smilies, features etc. would never be more important than hearing human voice. Call him and call him from a landline, because the cell phone reception is not always perfect, and you may not hear all the nuances of his voice when he talks to you on the cell phone. I never do any serious conversations on the cell phone, be it with close friends, interviewers, and a small bunch of people who matter to me a lot. The quality of landline connection is so high these days that you would hear how he breathes and all the voice modulations as if he were right there next to you. So in terms of gathering info about him, this is best. In terms of removing misunderstandings, this is best too, for reasons that are too obvious to list.

In general, I would recommend you read this thread in general:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...cal-abuse.html

or, if this is too much trouble, one post from that thread that has a behavioral recipe just for you:
http://forums.psychcentral.com/4087996-post23.html

The advice is brilliant.

In your case, to modify this advice to your situation, you are always the victim or perceived victim of silent treatment, and you have good (meaning - valid and not frivolous) reasons to be in this position because of how your mom treats you (maybe others, too, but it is sufficient to have just your mom give you silent treatment to develop your attitude so you do not need to dig further in analysis of causes).

You probably have never been on the other end. Also, you probably do not have overwhelmingly many contacts or very high pressure job, because from your description you are basically a free on-call worker. If they text you, you respond. That is being on-call. Do you get paid to respond? You do not - so you are an on-call volunteer.

Now imagine that you had a demanding, high pressure job, a large social circle, and all of that, and, you would physically be unable to provide your "24/7 on-call support to whoever decides to message me".

And then act accordingly.

Do not respond to texts right away. Just do not. Or respond with "sorry, busy now, more later" (I do not use SMS so I do not know how to type in text speak and instead I type in normal English, but you can adapt to the proper etiquette of texting).

If you feel a compulsion to respond right away, do not respond to the sender; send an email to yourself instead. Set an alarm or timer on your cell phone for 2 hours. After 2 hours, read the email you sent to yourself. Do you still like it? Does it say what you want to say atm? Is it worth sending? If it is, is it worth sending now or can it wait on ice for another 1 hr (then set another alarm).

And everywhere make a dedicated, conscious effort to delay your response time. Rose' examples in that little post I recommend that you read are marvelous - brief and to the point.

And then, fake it until you make it. Keep doing the forced delay of response until you get over the compulsion to be instantly on-call.

This would be very helpful in many ways, as you would break the cycle of feeling like a victim of silent treatment.

As a collateral benefit, you will not appear desperate to potential dates. On-call availability can be interpreted to mean that you are desperate.

Remember that people get paid to be on-call: firefighters, midwives, site realibility engineers, presidents who have to rush to disaster sites - they all are getting paid. And you are not only providing your services for free, but you are providing them to your own detriment, creating hurt, disappointment, and anger in yourself.

[agatha9]

He finally showed up!!! Turns out he left his phone and ipad at his grandma's... Well, I think s4andm4n was completely right... I tend to think of the worst.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by agatha9

He finally showed up!!! Turns out he left his phone and ipad at his grandma's... Well, I think s4andm4n was completely right... I tend to think of the worst.

Right or wrong, I am glad that it was something with an explanation.

I know you've been through a number of losses as you've said and I know this will be hard to do but with this guy, you should try to start fresh. Every person is individual, and even if you were left 100 times or some other ridiculous number it has no bearing on the person you are involved with now. Make this a new beginning, whatever may happen. Let it be what it is on it's own. Hope this helps

[agatha9]

Thank you! This is really really helpful! I must say that I am unemployed now, but when I was at work it was exactly the same. I don't know why but I can't hear the alert without feeling like running to answer the call or text or whatever. It gets worse now with smartphones... Facebook alert, Twitter alert, email... Aaaaarrrrrghhhhh!!! I need to just ignore that sound.

I have been trying not to answer immediately, like while I'm driving or spending some time with friends and family. A few years ago it would have been unbelievable for me to wait five days without asking a guy why he isn't calling (not why he is not responding). This year I finally could just let them be. If they texted me I was ok with it, if they didn't I was also fine, until now. But I guess deep down I was feeling guilty for having treated him that way.

Thank you again for all your support!!!

[agatha9]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Right or wrong, I am glad that it was something with an explanation.

I know you've been through a number of losses as you've said and I know this will be hard to do but with this guy, you should try to start fresh. Every person is individual, and even if you were left 100 times or some other ridiculous number it has no bearing on the person you are involved with now. Make this a new beginning, whatever may happen. Let it be what it is on it's own. Hope this helps

Thank you!!! Something I really like about this guy is that he is so special that I can compare him only to my best friends. He is just like himself.

This year I have almost lost my uncle. He's been diagnosed with dementia or alzheimers, doctors can't tell after almost a whole year. But the point is that I was particularly close to my uncle. He's been the closest to a father I have had and now that he's been sick we have lost communication. Nothing's the same.

About a month ago I lost my furbrother. After 16 and a half years of the purest love I have known he passed away. I'm a single child and he meant the world to me. His death was really shocking. We still miss him a lot and the house feels empty without him. Sometimes we forget he's gone. And I've had a lot nightmares about his death, so...

I lost my job too, so this has been a really tough year. Luckily, this guy was already there when my furbaby died, so he knows that I'm not really ok.

Thank you again for your advice.

[craftkilimanjaro]

why give him a call and casually ask him why he is not returning your text messages