I am afraid of sabotaging relationships without knowing it

I am afraid, is the fear itself going to sabotage or is it the lack of whatever. I am thinking about this, not in a sense of worry. I feel inclined to worry, but I don't want to and choose not to. I like this girl, I like meeting new people, but all the time. I feel I maybe too different, I don't like people who call me too nice or better yet lack the courage to tell me anything.

I find I intimidate people, because I am a leader I don't lead anyone except myself. People find me as a rebel, but I'm not a troublemaker, I just find the slips between the cracks better than most. I choose to be humble not timid.

I'm confused, because sometimes when I'm excited and happy truly I express it in talking a lot. I feel it's so hard when someone else doesn't say to shut up or is afraid they'll hurt my feelings is just as bad as someone who just doesn't want me talking period that I used to like.

It feels like being a guy completely sucks. I figured, I have to work on my body to look good, but not in a way it will help my chances on my personality which is ok, but at at least not get passed up. Wouldn't that be called, objectification of what society expects men to be? I think so, but a lot of people who don't see things in the way I see at times which is very common. Tend to shut me down and categorize me into a person I'm not I didn't judge anything about them.

I just feel that it's hopeless, I figured I destroy relationships, because I'm different, so I stopped caring what others think, and ended up destroying more. I'm not sad that I don't have anyone really to feel like I trust as much as I would like to. I feel I'm too annoying, or too negative, or too much. I constantly improve it, I stopped talking about bad things, I focus only on good, but then after awhile I scare people they think I'm fake. I feel I can't make anyone happy, all I can do is yell profanities at them and give them the bird and regardless they believe I need to be put in a mental ward for whatever shallow reasons. I just feel I can't do it.

It's at a point. I'd rather piss people off unintentionally then have them get close to me. I figure I make people fall and trip on themselves of their actions and words, making irony defeat them and pissing them off if I'm right about something and if I'm wrong so what.

I feel that I spend more time being mindful as much as I can, but I can't balance it. I figure if I'm too mindful I get **** on, I don't be mindful it gets worse than before.

Am I doing anything that I'm not doing?

I figured it comes within myself, and I just feel that the fact I am the way I am scares people. The fact I can't trust anyone, but get put off how I can be weird, or feel I can't be close or open up when they want me to or just look at myself critically when I'm at my worst. I feel that I see they are the perpetrators, what it used to be as victimization as a child growing up and now it's not there because I learned from it.. to someone who just feels life and relationships are too difficult.

I shouldn't even bother having 1 even with my family. I get exhausted talking to one person. I appear extroverted, but God I hate talking to anyone. I feel I won't get my point across and people just get baffled all the time. I can't help my brain is always in a jamble of confusion. It's how I am made and all I can do is try to predict and just get better, but I don't know.

It's like I talk to much, or too intelligent, or too stupid for some people. I feel that no matter how much I say, my feelings are never addressed.

I'm not really passive, just confused. I can get social cues, but I can't get it what I did wrong.

I ask and they tell me something vague or say I talk too much which isn't that common, but I always get. People get intimidated or feel like they have to feel they need to judge you.
^^
Like what kind of advice is that?

I swear I hate people, their all god awful lack anything I want to chat about, many times. I like social groups that aren't so small vision minded. I hate seeing my life going to waste like many people here do.

Out in California people accepted me, LGBT friends of mine rarely confuse me as gay or anything, but I do surprise them when I tell them I'm both trans, and bi as a male cis. I don't want to get a change, because I'd rather date women as a guy, it's just how I see myself. It's like being that and it's that people bore me or piss me off very quickly.

I do want them to impress me, I'm not arrogant. I just don't want to talk about how you hate these kinds of people because they are like this, or you hate people like that. I mean I do it, but I don't actually believe in it and preach people should just drink have a good time do drugs with everyone and chill out, but if someone tries to talk to someone and you don't like them you have to start drama.

I just shut people like that out, and they are a cancer in my life. They feel like I am in a rut too, for being stuck here, but despite my feelings. I put a smile on my face and break myself just to make something out of nothing.

Look at my previous posts on this. I guess. I don't know, I don't say I'm stuck like this. I'm not like this, but despite my efforts even when the outcome isn't satisfactory and still crap. It's good crap it smells like febreeze. Artificial, cheap and good for the moment after coating the bad odor.

I hate being told I shouldn't worry about relationships, but deep down I should. I don't have any. I don't have any I feel like I can't value someone else who doesn't want to talk or even try. Maybe I lack patience. I don't know. I'm beyond frustrated and just feel so confused 24/7. I am scared of losing people.

I need to learn how to talk to people. I don't know, I won't rant anymore. I won't do anything, I fear when I don't rant online or certain places. I know I'll bottle it get hallucinations really bad delusions, and my neuro crap starts up and shuts me down.

What I fear the most is that I'll die alone here around people I don't want to be around? I don't fear dying alone I'd rather do it alone.

I've read through this several times and personally I'm hearing multiple things going on, there's not just one easy answer to your OP title.

First, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a cycle. You have a narrow set of expectations and once those expectations aren't met you push back. By pushing back, you alienate others. Then you want people, but keep those expectations so they aren't met and you push back again.

It seems like it starts with a wall. You lash out to hide your own hurt.
You don't like being judged, but because of an open wound (whatever that is) you judge others quickly and immediately. If they don't fit that mold you want, as you said, you get bored or pissed off.

You can't stop sabotaging relationships until you get to the root of the problem and heal it. It's like an injured animal, it will lash out to protect itself. Whatever hurt it is, once it is healed you'll be able to start working on allowing others into your circle without fear of getting hurt again.

a vicious circle!!

I made this at my worst and most angered state. I forget to mention so much how I get like this when I lose patience, but it takes a long time. I push myself beyond my limits just to get out. I felt the expectation I don't want to die alone and existing alone is too much for me.

I don't mean alone with no friends, family, or anything that has to do with relationships. I am frustrated how I really try so hard to connect and can't. I get like this, because I get hurt, from mean things that those people who I judge do to me.

The root of the problem yes is that, but that's not all of it. It's a third of it. The other third is the other people and that one hurts the worst and most unpredictable it's the one that makes me want to shut everyone out, because I don't find anything worth trying to have any faith for temporary people. All of everything I had is temporary, I've been raised it won't be like that, I don't even get casual dates or people come up to me like my family has with my cousin's and my sister. Being constantly left out and feeling like, I'm spoiled for wanting something just anything even food. I feel so guilty for being alive, because all I want is someone to love me and not hold back be mean and be honest if they have to, but I haven't received it the way I needed it. I get suicidal thinking it might happen, but that is all what's keeping me going.

All I do is cry, all I do is fake, all I do is anything to make something real. I show my real emotions, I want to see if they can see past the ******** in person. I can't spell it out to them or I'm asking to get hurt. I don't like being like this, but I don't have a choice as of now till the right friend comes along.

the other third and last third is not myself or the other people. It's where I live and what culture I'm stuck living. Cincinnati is full of people who are conservative and overly critical to protect their assets and their money people only care about themselves, because you can lose your life, your money, and everyone you have in seconds. I mean I can say this for other places, but it's what I grew up with, I was taught and raised at schools indoctrinated that you have to work till you die to get anything good for a little bit, fed so much crap you can do it, but without giving any good skill sets or advice.

People here are all survivors in their own way, whether it's police brutality or poverty or corruption. We are all taught here not to waste anything, not time, not money, not love, not friends. I figured people treat people now as an object. If you want this person around they have to provide food, alcohol, drugs, girls, friends, gas money, vehicles and everything is all about logistics and not much of the fun.

But hopefully that's how I experienced it, and it's just something I could improve on. I never know, but I don't stop figuring it out.

I am so sad from that, it's a loss of hope altogether. I don't have any friends anymore. I don't think I do. I can't say I have one. It's partly me for the things I could have controlled, partly them for not understanding, and it's also how I am a liability and have a lack of resources and the distance of driving from everyone. It's beyond depressing. It's unlivable. I starve myself on binges and exercise with my anorexia stuff I still struggle with just to gain control. I figured if I look good on the outside it might make me more approachable. I have to build the mask just to feel loved for once.

I'm like a heroine addict on feeling loved, accepted, and belonging at home. I get none of it. I give it to others, because it makes me feel better if someone else gets what I want. I never get it in return. I want it and need it, but I don't get it.

I figured, that sometimes. I just want to feel something, sometimes I'm around people who I know will treat me like ****. Sometimes I almost died from it quite more than I would like to say, and it's just that sometimes I really need to feel that I'm noticed even if it's good and bad.