[RDMercer]

Just like the title says...

I'm exhausted.

My wife has long standing problems with anxiety and depression. This has been compounded by a death of a family member, her loss of connections with other family members after that death, and the discovery that I had a p*rn habit I lied about for years. That has been 100% behind me for years now.

Her mental state has spun off into a host of physical problems (stomach and headaches, fatigue, etc.).

I'm doing my best to keep the household together and support her through this period in her life. She has been largely bedridden for about 14 months now. Just recently she is making progress.

She feels lost, adrift, in despair, resentment...

We have developed a pattern where I work my butt off to look after as much as possible without infringing on her, looking after house, kids, meals, etc. I also don't ask for much of any emotional support for whatever is happening in my life. When I do, she typically is not available.

At some point, I become exhausted and boil over, and tell her what I need, and what I am not getting. She retaliates by telling me all the lies I told her for years and threatens to leave me.

I know I screwed up my marriage, big time. I know she is hurting and dealing with health issues. But I can't carry the whole load and expect nothing in return, and not even be allowed to say, "I need some emotional support. I am grieving too."

I need to break this cycle of behavior. The setbacks are killing us. We had one yesterday. She'll sleep in another room for a week or so, tell me she is leaving me repeatedly, then slowly move back into our room.

We'll go through 2-5 more weeks of good daily interactions until my stress and exhaustion boils over again. She'll tell me I am insensitive and hurtful. I'll tell her she is hypersensitive, and I have emotional needs too. She'll tell me she has to have someplace in her life where she is accepted as she is. I'll say that as an equal partner, I get to voice what my needs are. She'll point out that I was a liar for years and didn't treat her as an equal.

I've felt like I am just barely hanging on for a long time now. I want to be married, but I don't think she will ever be happy so long as she is with me.

RDM

[RDMercer]

I just need to get past the setbacks...

I need a way to say what I want/need, and feel like she heard it without things boiling over. She is trying to move forward. The setbacks wreck her, and leave us even further apart. I am the only person she has in her life for support. She needs acceptance and love, not me pointing out what I am not getting from her.

[~Christina]

Are you in couples Therapy ? Does she see a Therapist? Is she on any medications to help with her depression?

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Are you in couples Therapy ? Does she see a Therapist? Is she on any medications to help with her depression?

^This and more. If she has basically been bedridden for 14 months I'm concerned that she may need much more care than even seeing a therapist ... I hate to say it, but maybe even hospitalized.

Which doesn't make any of it easier on you obviously, but it sounds like her depression is pretty extreme.

[RDMercer]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

^This and more. If she has basically been bedridden for 14 months I'm concerned that she may need much more care than even seeing a therapist ... I hate to say it, but maybe even hospitalized.

Which doesn't make any of it easier on you obviously, but it sounds like her depression is pretty extreme.

She is on meds. She has been to counselling. She has refused couples counselling, but we have attended in the past.

The depression/anxiety leads to health issues (bowels and headaches) that keep her bedridden, or at best, housebound.

She recently has begun moving out of the house again, but she is left with some, almost, agoraphobia and anxiety about being in public.

The ups and downs of this are hard to ride out. Trying to be my best, most understanding version of "me" while working full time, handling kids, home repairs, groceries, meals, and a sick spouse, etc. is pretty challenging. I am not as understanding or as sensitive as she needs.

I come on here to vent sometimes because venting at her doesn't work and venting about her and her illnesses, mental and physical, creates a negative image to me and others that works against the long term goal... For her to come back to her former self, and for us to be close.

Is there a way you can ask a family member your mom if she can help you with the kids ?
Or hire someone to take care of the kids and meals and such .

You need someone to help you until your wife is back on track do you think the meds are helping her , have you talked to her doctor ?

[pegasus]

Hello RDMercer,

That sounds really tough. Your wife does not need to be bed ridden, she needs to get the right medical attention. Even if she has physical issues that you describe, staying in bed is not going to help that. This must be frustrating for you but you need to decide what is best for you and the children.

[RDMercer]

I agree... Remaining in bed will not help the situation.

She comes from a hyper-critical home. Now that she has sunk into a true depression, she is truly, truly hyper-sensitive. Anything I say about getting up, moving about, going out, replying to phone calls from friends, spending time with the kids, is regarded as a criticism.

As she has said it to me, she has spent years of her life feeling like she wasn't good enough. And I have also made her feel like she wasn't good enough. She needs someplace she can be where she can be accepted no matter what.

This is the problem... I understand everything she is saying. I am doing my best to keep my mouth shut and not say something that is critical. But, by nature, I am pretty blunt with my words. When I am exhausted and have been dealing with all the above for days or weeks at a time, I am too blunt.

She says my tone is too strong and it sounds condescending. Maybe she is right. We have now resolved that I will leave small notes in a diary type notebook expressing my concerns.

I am also starting to be more open with friends and family about my wife's illnesses to get some help.

She holds my former p*rn viewing over my head, both as the primary reason for her anxiety and depression, and as a threat to expose to others what I have done and why she is so distraught.

I am also starting to be more open with friends and family about my wife's illnesses to get some help.


That is good , lets hope they step up to the plate and help you out and the kids .

[Webgoji]

Yeah, as Nature1968 says, you need help. You can't take it all on alone.

My wife was down with back surgery for a couple of months. And it only took that surgery and chunk of time to eat away at our relationship and wear me down physically and emotionally so I can't imagine how you feel.

Get help. Both with her and for yourself.

[pegasus]

Originally Posted by RDMercer

I agree... Remaining in bed will not help the situation.


She says my tone is too strong and it sounds condescending. Maybe she is right. We have now resolved that I will leave small notes in a diary type notebook expressing my concerns.

She holds my former p*rn viewing over my head, both as the primary reason for her anxiety and depression, and as a threat to expose to others what I have done and why she is so distraught.

Wow! So you are reduced to leaving her a note, that's not an equal partnership! A marriage cannot survive on fear like that. Step outside of the situation and think objectively what you would think is the path for this situation. Your wife needs help and you are losing yourself in the process by living like this. Please go and get counselling for yourself.

[Mygrandjourney]

I agree that getting your own counseling would be helpful. Having objective feedback can only be helpful in this situation. Have you also looked at NAMI and considered their support groups? There is a chance that her seeing you getting help and talking about your concerns with others will spur some change.
I guess the bottom line is do you see her making an earnest effort at recovery, or does she appear stuck or resistant to making changes? I ask this because you mention that she is continuing to use your history w/ p*rn as a justification for her illness (do I have that right?).

[RDMercer]

This has been the poinit of contention, and anyone with depression will have experienced it...

It is extremely difficult to live in a home with a clinically depressed person. Do I always feel she is doing enough to look after her mental and physical health? No. But that is part of depression; lack of self care.

Have I ever been in her situation? No. So I shouldn't judge, but when I am pushed to my limits I do judge.

Do I look after all my injuries and small illnesses perfectly? No. But mine don't really impact anyone else. If my back is sore or I have a head cold, things still continue around home. Not so with one parent bedridden.

Does she use my former p*rn use as a reason for her illnesses? Yes. She says it is the primary reason for her depression and related physical illnesses. I have over 2 years with no use of any kind, and addressed openly in counselling and couples counselling, with MANY apologies for the damage I caused.

I spent a lot of time coming to grips with how sexualized and exploited women are in society, and how many of the women in p*rn are especially exploited, and how they undermine, through their one-dimensional sexuality, what a woman completely has to offer in a relationship. My wife has never moved past this though.

Her loss of her image of me, and my lying to her, has been devastating.

[avlady]

Yes, she and you could learn to help each other,although i do t hink she should be in a hospital

[hvert]

I wonder if better boundaries would help. Instead of complying with your wife's bizarre demands, what if you refused? Do you ever feel like you are enabling her by providing all this support with nothing in return? Could you tell her that talking about your long since resolved p*rn issue is off the table?

Her problems sound like they go far beyond depression.

[~Christina]

I would have a quiet discussion, asking her to please seek out mental and physical heath help from professionals, explain that you want your marriage to become stronger. Agree to her going to therapy and also you both in couples Therap. Explain how the unrest in the home on both your sides is infact causing the children harm. Again all this said in a quiet tone. I would be caring and firm in setting a boundary that you are no longer going to be guilted by your past porn issues. She needs to start becoming an active member of the family for your sake the childrens sake and her own. You will no longer enable her to just stay bed bound, You will provide meals for you and your children but if she is hungry she will have to provide for herself for a while .

It is time to stop enabling her.

Will she like this ? Hell NO, but keep your voice calm and quiet , say all you need to say , but enough is enough... Set boundaries and DO NOT let them be crossed at all.

I hope she can see that it's time for her to be responsible for her own well being and mental health.

Good luck

[RDMercer]

Well, some progress to report....

But first, while I thank you ALL for your support, keep in mind, perspective is everything.

Had she come on here and told you she had found out she was married to a husband who had been lying to her for years, and that she had been through depression, anxiety, and the death of a family member, you would all rush to her side and I'd be the heel. There are always two sides. In her perspective, she's in a terrible spot.

For me, this is a safe place to voice my perspective during a low point, instead of it adding to a bad situation at home.

I expect we are all aware of the "fight, flight, or freeze" response. This past week she and I talked a lot about her threats to leave me. She told me she has no intention of doing that, but when any stressful situation arises, due to her extreme anxiety right now, everything in her wants to run.

So, we came up with the note idea... This is the least stressful way to deal with stuff right now. Maybe we do this for a year if necessary, until her anxiety comes under control again.

She also agreed to re-enter counselling with me, which we will be doing next month.

Wish me luck. And thanks for the support. God knows I needed it.

RDM

[hvert]

I hope the counseling works out - it sounds like you had some productive conversations!

[~Christina]

I'm glad that you are both working towards a more healthy relationship.