[Artchic528]

(WARNING: This post is quiet lengthy so I won't be offended if you don't read it all the way through).

I am looking back on my one and only real relationship from days gone by. I want to figure out what happened and what I wanted from this guy that I either got, or didn't get.

It started off online at Match.com, and we met up IRL on our first date, where we ended it with a kiss in his car, before he took me home. I know it was very risky to get into his car, and probably not the smartest move I made, but it worked out.

He seemed eager and so did I for that matter, to start a serious long term relationship. In reality, I wanted what my older brother has with his long term girlfriend. They live together in a house in Texas, and seem very happy together. I guess I was sort of jumping the gun with my wants and needs.

He was also the first guy I was with intimately, as in he took my V-card. Before I even met him on Match.com, I told myself that I would lose my virginity by the time I was 30 (I was 27 at the time). I went into that relationship with that goal in mind. My goal was accomplished abut 2 months into the relationship, which some will argue was too much too quickly. Maybe our fast and hot relationship fizzled out for some reason because it was just that, fast and hot. I don't really know.

I guess I see two different sides to any given romantic relationship. The side where the couple is physically intimate, and the side where they are socially intimate. I wanted both, of course, but the physical intimacy was more of a priority than the social intimacy. I guess it's because I've had bad experiences with social situations in the past that I sort of saw that side as being less important in my mind. A side I didn't want to fully deal with.

As a result, I didn't fully open up myself socially to him, choosing to hide my mental health issues as much as I could. I told him things that I thought would pacify his curiosity whenever I did or said anything that might have brought them to the forefront, (aka taking my meds in front of him when we went to Myrtle Beach together for a long weekend, or whenever I got moody). I went so far as to stifle the moodiness as much as I could. Choosing to only be happy, and upbeat around him, even if it was fake. Since I also get angry and frustrated easily, and erupt into a fit of pure chaos and drama, as a result, I also hid that from him too.

I now see that it drove a wedge between us, one that I don't think ever was removed. I also know now that he was engaged to me married before he met me, but called the relationship off for some reason or another. I don't know why. I have this long standing feeling that both he and I went into our relationship wanting different things, he wanting to try and forget his past love, and me wanting to finally lose my virginity and find that intimacy I so long had desired.

He claimed he felt unending guilt leaving me, and it was probably the reason he wanted to be friends with me after we broke up. I, trying to maintain the image I dutifully crafted during our relationship, told him not to feel so guilty, and we have since faded from each other's lives. He claimed he was so very busy with work, but I knew that meant he was in another relationship. I didn't dare want to confirm my suspicions by checking his relationship status, and never have. If he is married by now, which he very well might be, I don't want to be the ex girlfriend that won't go away. He obviously distanced himself from me for some reason, and I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.

In some way, I still have feelings for him, we did say the three most impacting words anyone can say in a relationship, "I love you", to each other. I guess he is my first love, and in some ways, that will always stick with me. However, I can for sure say I am no longer having romantic feelings for him, as our paths are now done crossing.

I now want to examine that relationship to find what faults I brought to it, to maybe see if dating is a distant possibility for me someday, and how to succeed in having a healthy relationship, versus this one, which ultimately failed.

Any ideas, insight or thoughts?

[shezbut]

It sounds as though you have put a lot of thought into the beginning and end of this relationship.

Kudos to you for examining how your behavior may have affected things. I see it as rather brave of you to admit that your actions weren't "perfect".

Two quick things I wanted to say: 1.) You are human. We all make mistakes. Try to use what you learned from this experience in future relationships. 2.) In my experience, men typically don't put half of the thought and effort (that women often do) into romantic relationships. Not saying that they don't care...they do. But, men usually continue to uphold other relationships and interests. Whereas women often drop most other relationships and give all of their interest towards their man.

Hopefully, you will be able to be yourself with whomever you are with. You shouldn't have to hide who you are; your feelings should not have to be stifled inside. Very best wishes sent to you.

[Artchic528]

Well, that's the thing.

I've tried to date other people, but it never seems to work out. At one point I was so exasperated I just plain forsaken the act of dating all together as I felt it was all about playing mind games and such. Something I couldn't participate in as I'm in no state to handle such things.

Now, I know that a bunch of platitudes will be used at this point, and I very much appreciate the sentiment and truth behind them. It's just that when you've been told them so many times, it gets a little old and cliche. I'm more positive than I once was, and am discovering my true self now, but that only does so much when a majority of my world consists of the internet and the social interactions on it.

I'm clinically unable to drive, and sitting around staring at the same walls, floor, and computer screen from day to day get old very quickly, so I'm looking to hire a driver to be on call, so to speak, during a certain time frame each day, so that I can get out of the house and about my city. With this new driver available to me, I may finally be able to attend all the meetups I want to, so that I can find like minded people to befriend. My therapist highly recommends this as a part of expanding my world and broadening my future horizons.

I pitched the idea to my mother, but she has yet to tell me her thoughts and feelings on it. I'll press her about it tomorrow morning, along with asking her when a good time to start my online courses for becoming a vet tech.

I have big plans this year and want to make it a year of change and tremendous growth for me. I want to make the most of it as I see this year as a fresh new start for me. Maybe, just maybe, I'll relent a touch on my "no dating" rule and date someone, but they have to make their intentions clear enough to me first. If I like what I see, I'll think about it.

However, I'm not sure I'll ever be the type of person to actively go about and ask a guy out. I'm terribly hesitant to take the first step as I've done so in the past numerous times and everything just wound up blowing up in my face. I know that age old platitudes, "try, try again", "get right back on the horse once you've fallen off" and "fall down 7 times get up 8" are all well and good, and I know that if I'm still alive, I'm probably strong enough to be dealt another blow and withstand it (and I do believe that I am), when all is said and done, I'm just not going to make the first step again. I just feel it leaves me too vulnerable and open to too many dark memories, that I don't want to travel down that path.

Besides, if a guy is interested enough, he'll be the one to make the first step, right?

Now regarding, befriending a guy before attempting to date him. I don't want that to happen because if were very close friends, and advanced the relationship, it could very well end the friendship and that would be a double blow. or double loss. I'd rather make my intentions very clear at the beginning, and avoid being dealt the "double blow" all together. This is a very smart move, I think, and I will most certainly put it into action.

EDIT:

I must add that I've joined several groups on Meetup.com, as some of you may or may not now already. The first group meetup I went to, via the first group I joined, happened to be an Anime/Manga group. During the group, I found a guy and he and I seemed to get along reasonably well. As the meetup ended, and we were dispersing to the parking lot, he stopped me to ask where he had seen me before. This was the second time he had done so. The first was as we were introducing ourselves and sitting down to eat at a restaurant. What was most unusual, was that he asked if he saw me on POF, and I said that I was a member, which, at that point, it dawned on me that I remembered him too, from that dating site. He had clicked the option of wanting to meet me.

Now, would his inquiries mean anything in the way of interest? I find that I am eager to go to the next meetup as the last one I couldn't get to due to scheduling conflicts and therefor, lack of a ride. Would he be there despite me missing the last meeting? Would he even talk to me? Am I over thinking this too much?

Now, I'm going to point out at this time that he is black and I am white. Not that it makes a difference in any way whatsoever. I have crushed on a black guy before. It's all about their attitude, and the way they talk. I prefer my men to have a certain eloquence when they talk, with a broad vocabulary and not using swear words for every adjective. Not that I mean to offend, some white guys can sound pretty uneloquent and uneducated as well (especially when they are trying to act all street tough and gangster).

Okay, I'm rambling again. I'll just leave off with asking if that guy was trying to say something between the lines of what he said, or if the conversation wasn't implying anything.

[Artchic528]

Any suggestions, comments, or ideas? I really could use some more input.

I think I'll share my opinions on the subject, but keep in mind I don't have much experience. Probably about the same as you, but based on what I've read on here, my experience seems to be somewhat unique.

First of all, I think a relationship is only going to be successful if the emotional intimacy is there because at some point, there will be problems with the physical intimacy, whether someone's sex drive drops off or someone develops a dysfunction. If you're relationship is just about the physical side, how are you going to work through that issue?

How did I come to that conclusion? Because my relationship is pretty much perfect except for the sex. Of course, I've never enjoyed sex and he was the first I even liked kissing and could see myself enjoying sex with someday (basically I can't imagine sex with anyone else would be any better). Along with not being able to imagine sex being any better with anyone without extensive sex therapy, our emotional intimacy is really good and we're very close and that's why I don't care if sex doesn't "work" at this moment.

He knew from the beginning that I used to self-harm and I had pretty bad anxiety. He's seen me when I've been very depressed. While this could have driven him away (the depression episode almost pushed him to that point until we went to a therapist together), it's actually made him comfortable talking about whatever he needs to talk about. I think a lot of people appreciate an open and honest person…I think it makes them feel safe to be open and honest themselves.

And really, if you want a long-term partner, you can't hide yourself. I have a feeling that that may have been the main reason your first relationship was unsuccessful. I mean, how can someone love someone they don't know? I don't think it comes down to simply "loving yourself" and improving yourself if you don't let the guy actually get to know you. And that means all the less savory parts of you as well.

I don't necessarily think you need to be as open as me and divulge everything immediately like I did because that's my personality and it may not be yours. But you can't just hide everything indefinitely either. I know I tend to hide feelings sometimes myself, but I always end up talking about it and it always seems to make our relationship stronger and better, not worse.

Also, I don't think pursuing anyone is necessary. In my opinion, if you're right for each other, there isn't even much of a pursuit, it just happens. I was like you; I was never going to approach a guy again as they thought I was so "creepy" in pursuing them. The way I ended up with my boyfriend was that I simply told him that my friends that I usually watched football with were in another state and asked if he wanted to watch football with me. And the rest just happened. Basically, hang out with a guy in groups/in public for a little while and then suggest an idea that gets the two of you alone and things will happen if they're meant to happen.

I also agree with not being just friends with someone and then dating them. If you were ever meant to be more than friends, then it'll be physically impossible to remain just friends when you're alone together (if you get my drift). I think you need to focus on becoming friends with them as you're dating. If that means you only go so far sexually in the beginning in order to focus on the emotional intimacy, then so be it. Although, it may actually be impossible to do that if it's anything like my experience with my boyfriend. Like I've said, sex doesn't quite work for us right now, but despite that, we can't be alone without having sex. Like your first relationship, sex probably happened too early for us as well and I also lost my virginity with him. My point is, I think it's entirely possible to just be going about in life and just randomly meeting someone that clicks with you on every level and then the relationship just seems to work (note that it's still not easy, but it shouldn't be difficult either). I think just getting out and going to meet ups and stuff should help in your situation. And the difficult part is the letting go and just letting stuff happen without making a huge effort in finding a partner (as that just seems to lead to trying to put a round peg into a square hole).