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#1
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just wanted to talk about how much people annoy me sometimes. it's o.k. that i post this here right?! i wouldnt want to put this in the wrong category.
anyway.... it really bugs when someone offers unwanted assistance. it becomes more critical than helpful. example: when your friend tells you your fat, or you look bad in that color... and yes i am being specific. just want to suggest that sometimes people do not need to be told how to do things. like a teacher who cant get out of the teaching mode and just be real. i am just being real here. when people speculate on how i feel or offer unwanted criticism, it triggers me. obviously something i should work on because if its affecting me, its a problem. no it isnt god or politics.... and i dont get to control what people say in their posts either. im only expressing myself. |
#2
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Ok. So I annoy you. I will try and refrain from answering your threads in the future. But I am curious, if you don't want any replies, why don't you say so at the end of your posts, that you aren't open minded and don't want other's opinions?
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#3
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(((((((((((Jen))))))))))))
I don't see what's wrong with your post in the General section. Just look how well the "What's on your stereo right now" post is doing.
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Roadkill on the highway of life |
#4
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you can reply all you want. what you said frustrated me because i cannot tolerate unwelcomed criticism. i hope you understand where im coming from.
let me give you an example.... (very off the wall and exaggerated example) if you were a shy troubled little boy who gathered up just enough nerve to go say hi to his teacher, when he really needed help with something.... and she, instead of listening to his question, told him that his zipper was down or that he mispronounced a word or that he needed to speak without spitting.... he would feel criticized and may not want to ask her anymore questions. thats an exaggeration of how your off the subject criticism or suggestions affect me. i am not a little boy. but it certainly hits a nerve. |
#5
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Hello Cotton Candy Locks --
This is a complicated issue, isn't it? I, too, rankle when people use "being helpful" as backhanded criticism: Oh, you look so good in that. It really minimizes your hips." Translation: What a big butt you have. On the other hand, I appeciate it when people care enough about me to tune into how I'm feeling and empathize. Or attempt to, even if they are wrong. I hope that you will find the friends you need here. You can always exercise the option to "ignore" the messages from a particular sender. |
#6
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Ok as long as your realize this is about you, and not me. That you assumed it was criticism of you is unfortunate and I apologize for not giving a more complete reply. Why didn't you just PM me with your annoyance though? It seems a shame to take a whole thread just to bash me...I'm not worth it! LOL
Hello Fly.. who were you before? Obviously you've been around a while.
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#7
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i dont have to hide behind a PM to say whats on my mind. this thread is about relationships and communication and not a personal attack. i also think other people would like to hear what i have to say and i feel like expressing myself publicly about it.
sky, it isnt a personal attack on you , in my opinion i am not bashing you. i am referring to something that triggers anger inside me and it just so happens it was in your reply. yes you annoy me, and a lot of other people annoy me also. i came to this forum to discuss it as a relationship/communication issue, because i do not want to feel annoyed by something so petty as a post. it is something i would actually like to discuss here and just improve my own communication so i can read posts and not be triggered by them. |
#8
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
sky, it isnt a personal attack on you yes you annoy me i would actually like to discuss here and just improve my own communication </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> If you are really looking to improve your communication, cottoncandylocks, I would have to suggest that "yes you annoy me" does seem to me like a personal attack. Just my two cents. |
#9
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![]() well, that is your perception of my statement. but my perception of the statement "you annoy me" is a reflection about how I feel. perhaps a more specific statement would seem less offensive, like "what you wrote annoyed me" or "the things you say annoy me" is that less offensive? anyone ... anyone... im collecting pennies here. |
#10
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![]() instead of taking ppls supportive advice as annoyance why not look at there opinion as positive, you say you want to discuss so discuss your issues, not your annoyances, ppl here are helpful and can give you a broader perspective if you let them. Reah
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![]() A good day is when the crap hits the fan and I have time to duck. |
#11
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ok, you said you're collecting pennies, so here's one for ya
![]() your statement "you annoy me" seemed attacking to a poster. yes, i think it would have been much more appropriate to have said, "your statements sometimes annoy me" or something maybe even less harsh than that...possibly, "your statements sometimes bother me. can you clarify exactly what you meant by that, because right now i'm feeling (such and such)." locks, what i mean to say is...there are MANY people (as well as you) that are easily hurt or annoyed, and where posts can really get to them. if posts can bother you so easily, you must consider that your posts can upset others just as easily...common consideration. i think you are extremely insightful and enjoy your posts as such...adding a different perspective to my thoughts. be safe and i truly hope that this is not considered "attacking". it's truly not meant to be that way. i realize alot of us, at different times, act out defensively because of the way that we feel inside. you asked, i responded ![]() kd
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#12
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i would also like to add...if there's a history behind this posting that i know nothing about, then my above post might be different. however, there's no reference to another posting, and attacking that may have ocurred there, so my opinion is based solely on this post and what i saw here.
kd
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#13
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thank you guys for the insight.....
i have been thinking about this a lot, trying to get over the annoyance (probably defensiveness) and trying to look at this a different way. i would like to rephrase my post to say that "i get annoyed when i feel criticized" and at times this has led to hostility toward others. not in these forums, but in life. how to get over this... i have a really rough exterior (my dad was in the military so maybe that explains part of it) how have you guys dealt with feelings of hostility toward others in response to their words you percieved to be unwelcomed criticism? |
#14
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hi there
![]() i am also the daughter of a 23 yr marine. i also understand defensiveness...very well. i immediately get defensive ALOT. the thing with me is...i get lots of internal responses to triggering situations and if i speak at all, i try to pick the the response with the most "tact (for lack of a better word atm)" t has also helped me learn ALOT that 1) not all comments/actions are meant as a personal attack against me, and 2) alot of the other persons responses/actions are based on what they're feeling/thinking atm. it's helped me alot. i used to also think that any disruption in any relationship meant...the end. t has also shown me that i've had MANY differences with many ppls and have stated them and those ppl are right there...still. t's been a good thing for me. so, i understand where you're coming from and appreciate you openness to my post. kd
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#15
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
i used to also think that any disruption in any relationship meant...the end. t has also shown me that i've had MANY differences with many ppls and have stated them and those ppl are right there...still </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I really like this! I've learned the same thing in therapy. I was never able to express my emotions...certainly never learned to express disagreement. My T helped me learned how to disagree, and even argue, and to realize that it's not the end of world...or of the friendship. It's fine for feathers to get ruffled here. It happens all the time. We inhale/exhale, and try to make nice. It usually works out fine. We have the wonderous experience of learning something about each other. That's a blessing. "Looky - that person showed me a little piece of herself". Good or bad, there it is. A real person. Realness - how refreshingly human!! Hugs all 'round! EmskyDoodleNose |
#16
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well said, emily!!!!
kd
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#17
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
"i get annoyed when i feel criticized" </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I have been avoiding this post because I see both sides. Even if people make a general comment about a group, I take it to mean me. (i.e. some girls were wearing suggestive clothes to student teaching...I don't OWN those kinds of clothes, and I still sweated over what I was wearing) What you said above...is GREAT! As soon as you said, "people annoy me"...I was defensive, and I hadn't done anything! lol When you used an I statement, I immediately saw your side. Personally, I am working on using I-statements more. They really are good.
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“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” ~ Maya Angelou Karma is a boomerang. Trying to read 52 books in 52 weeks. See how I'm doing |
#18
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NOW it's a good thread
![]() Another way to rephrase that would be I am annoyed. This would follow what we try and say that: I am angry right now. Or even THAT made me... annoyed, angry whatever. Because actually it is OUR perceptions of what the other person says and our reactions that are OUR problems... not really the other person's opinion. Did I say this right? Sure is easier to say than do (and in my case, not easy to even explain/say LOL) When 2 or more members are having equally bad days and respond to each other's posts, the reactions are similar... it happens. Since this is a support forum, DocJohn wishes the posts to be helpful, supportive, which is why I ask anyone who has a problem with something I posted, to take to a PM to me. It doesn't help others to know there was a clash or temporary indifference, and can be quite upsetting to fragile members.
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#19
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Sky, don't sell yourself short. You explained that perfectly!
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Psalm 119:105 Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. |
#20
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you're on to something when you say "i feel annoyed"
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#21
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Yes people annoy me often too. Sometimes people honestly think they are being helpful. It can be a bit much at times but usually the reason we get upset is because they are right. I know we don't always need to be reminded. If you are content with things then say "thanks but I like this color on me" or "i know you are concerned but I am very comfortable with my weight".
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#22
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People's criticisms can create a wonderful playing field for you. I always choose my close friends based on their honesty. I want a friend who can say to me: "You know, I don't think that shirt really looks great on you" or "You know, today, you really were selfish and did not let me talk about my problem" and there are tons more...
Them letting me know things like that helps me be aware of myself and how I am portrayed. The way you think you are in your head may be different from how other people view you. One day my friend told me I whined alot, and I had NO idea. Thank goodness she told me or I'd be the biggest whiner, with probably a lot less friends! Criticism can hurt, but usually only if you feel the need to be perfect. And trust me, no one is and no one expects you to be. You're allowed to make mistakes and you should cherish the times you do because you can learn so much about yourself. I know criticism takes time to adjust to, but start thinking of it as an honest opinion to help make you the best you can be instead of something dragging you down. You may want to thank your friends for being so open and honest to you, because there are many people in this world who couldn't do that. You're very fortunate. |
#23
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Hi there,
I think it is a natural thing for people to feel annoyed when they feel they are being criticized. I use to have this problem,and in some ways I still do, but over the years I found some criticism can be helpful, such as what people refer to as "constructive criticism", It allowed me to open up my mind, listen, and then decide within myself if there were things that I should try changing, and if I personally would benefit in any way. This process required opening up my rock solid thick head, shutting up and listening And there is nothing wrong if people or things annoy you, but if you start to find it often and increasing, it would be a healthy thing to seek professional mental health provider(s), they can help you, I know, I've been there, and I was also very ambivalent to suggestions/help. I found out by opening one's mind and shutting up a little got me on a better route. This is my 2 cents and a wish that you seek help, life can be a beautiful place, though bittersweet at times, it is better than the alternative. I was caught in this trap a few years ago, then finally got professional help and also worked at it, I mean working at getting better, finding a balance. The effort is all well worth it, you just have to psych yourself up to make the first step forward. Lots of love and luck to you, cotton. DE
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#24
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</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
just wanted to talk about how much people annoy me sometimes. it's o.k. that i post this here right?! i wouldnt want to put this in the wrong category. anyway.... it really bugs when someone offers unwanted assistance. it becomes more critical than helpful. example: when your friend tells you your fat, or you look bad in that color... and yes i am being specific. just want to suggest that sometimes people do not need to be told how to do things. like a teacher who cant get out of the teaching mode and just be real. i am just being real here. when people speculate on how i feel or offer unwanted criticism, it triggers me. obviously something i should work on because if its affecting me, its a problem. no it isnt god or politics.... and i dont get to control what people say in their posts either. im only expressing myself. </div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Hi CC, There was an old Buddhist Monk once, the head of a monastery. He had a helper who was always interfering, bossing him about, arguing with him, troubling him from morning to night. Anyway, one day a Monk from another Monastery was talking to him and asked why he didn't get rid of the troublesome helper. Life would be so much more peaceful. The old monk said, "How could I manage to follow my path to enlightenment without him? He has been my greatest asset on the journey." Cheers, e. ![]() |
#25
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ccl, I hope I haven't annoyed you with any of my comments to you. They were all sent with loving care. I'm not aware that I've annoyed you and if I have, then I'm very sorry and I wish you'd let me know, in a "gentle" way please, since I can tend to be fragile.
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