[Girl25]

I'm considering getting back with an ex, we were together for about a year and broke up about 8 months ago. I've given it a lot of thought and we both seem to want to give it another try. There are things in the relationship I wasn't happy with like the fact that he wasn't that open, it was quite hard to get past a certain point with him to become closer and a few other issues like he wasn't great for contacting me when we weren't together. However when I try to talk to him about anything I seem to come across very seriously which I think panics him and all of a sudden everything gets blown out of proportion and it comes back to whether we should be together. We just cant seem to communicate with each other very well. It's really stressful, I just want to be able to talk to him in a way that he hears and doesn't feel like I'm attacking him. Can anyone give me some advice on how best to approach conversations with him?

[JLarissaDragon]

Tone of voice has a lot to do with communication. As a woman I know it is easy to come across as demanding if I push too hard. Men seem to need to be heard just as we do. Also they tend to be problem solvers whereas we like to talk our way through a problem. Some times we need to learn that men are wired differently.

I found that changing my expectations and learning about what my husband wants or needs goes a long way.

I am not sure what'ser this really addresses you concerns. Just thought I would share what has helped me. I am rooting for you. You deserve to have a meaningful relationship

[Bill3]

I just want to be able to talk to him in a way that he hears and doesn't feel like I'm attacking him.

I am not seeing how you can make sure that he doesn't feel like you are attacking him. You cannot control his feelings.

You can look at what you say to him, and you can ask yourself if you are speaking in a reasonable manner. If you are, then it is up to him to respond in a reasonable manner, and it is his problem if he does not respond in a reasonable manner.

However when I try to talk to him about anything I seem to come across very seriously which I think panics him

How seriously do you think that you are coming across? In other words, how reasonable is it for him to panic at what you say?

[Girl25]

Thanks for the advice guys.

I guess I feel very awkward and uncomfortable about bringing up any issues to talk about, and I tend to have gone over everything in my head quite a bit. So by the time I say it I think it comes across as a big deal and then he doesn't really know what to say. Like usually I'm just looking for a bit of reassurance that he's willing to make more or an effort or were on the same page about things before moving forward because I really don't want history to repeat itself.

In relationships before I know the guys that I'm with have felt the same, that when I bring something up I seem very serious and it feels like the relationship is on the brink. They never seem to be able to handle the discussion and I think they all find the conversations like that make them very anxious and they don't know what the right thing to say is. I don't know if it's also an age thing cause I'm 27 and my boyfriends have all been the same age as me so maybe it takes some guys a bit more experience to be able to have conversations like that without freaking out. But I can't help thinking that I'm the common denominator so something in my approach isn't working.

[Bill3]

Well what if you stopped going over the thing in your head so much before speaking?

[divine1966]

If you two don't communicate very well after a year together why do you want to get back together? If the whole thing is stressful, is it worth it to even try? First year of a relationship should be largely naturally happy time. It us understandable struggles start later. But you struggle early on. Also if you feel awkward And uncomfortable then maybe he is a wrong man for you. ( perhaps other men were wrong too)

What is working well in this relationship?



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[Girl25]

I've tried to not over think things before talking to him and tried to brings things up in a relaxed way but I never seem to be able to.

I know getting back with someone is generally a bad idea and the chances of it lasting are very slim but since I ended things months ago he's been contacting me telling me how he feels and how he understands why his behaviour was wrong. We do get on great and there really is just a spark between us, so that's why it's hard to let it go. Maybe I am mad to consider giving it another go, I would just like to think that maybe things will be better than before and that I can be mature enough not to dwell on everything from before. But I need to make sure were on the same page about how the relationship is going to be before we properly give it another go because I don't want to go into something that's going to end again in the next two months.

[Bill3]

What do you do when you find yourself overthinking something?

[Girl25]

I'm going over and over something he's done that's upset me, thinking about the right way to say it to him that he'll really understand how I feel. I'm just constantly going back and forth getting upset then calming down about it. I talk to my friends about it sometimes to get advice and see if I'm just over reacting. It gets me into quite an anxious state really and all I can think about is talking to him about it.

I guess I also tend to jump to the worst conclusion on things and find it difficult to really believe them when they say otherwise. It's exhausting and hard to move forward in relationships when I'm always filled with doubt and questioning everything

[Bill3]

How much (if at all) do you get upset with yourself about the overthinking?

[Girl25]

I get really frustrated with myself a lot of the time because I know it's not healthy. I'm not doing myself any good and I don't see how our relationship could benefit from it. And I never really seem to come to conclusions about anything, or I'll be like ok that's how I feel that's what I'll say but two minutes later I'll be questioning whether I'm over reacting again.

It's just so hard to break that habit or change how I think about things. I wish I could be more easy going and go with the flow a bit more

[Bill3]

Here is a different approach to the overthinking.

*****

When you find yourself overthinking, simply notice it without judging yourself.

You might say to yourself, in a matter-of-fact manner, "Overthinking".

And then start to do something else, or go back to what you were doing.

Now, you might find that you go back to overthinking, perhaps many times.

When that happens, always respond in the same way:

--do not judge yourself
--say "Overthinking"
--go back to what you were doing

No matter how many times it happens: Don't judge yourself, just redirect yourself.

*****

If interested, try this approach for maybe 3-4 days and see if it helps you!

[Girl25]

Bill3 thank you so much for the sound advice! I'm really going to try to change my approach and do that. I've been driving myself crazy and just needed a bit of help.

Thank you for listening and helping

[Bill3]

You're welcome! Good luck with it!

[divine1966]

It could be that your approach is wrong but could also be that you are anxious and overthinking because deep inside you know things aren't right. So just be careful

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[Girl25]

Thanks divine I'll definitely bare that in mind, if it's not meant to be hopefully I'll figure that out sooner rather than later

[ididwhat?]

Bill... that was awesome. Great advice, I'm telling you. I love how you did that. Nice.