[FearsAffirmed]

Desperately need unbiased advice regarding my next move in my relationship. Short back story me and my boyfriend have been together for 9 months. We met at an incredibly low point in both our lives and bonded intensely from day one by relating through our trauma related PTSD. We've been there for each other through a lot of obstacles and trials and are now living together. We both suffer from depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, amongst some other mental and physical health issues. We are generally good at communicating with eachother and have build our relationship on trust which has been tested but never failed. Today I was feeling insecure about my body and his attraction to me. (Incredibly bad body image and self esteem is another issue of mine that we don't share.) In the hopes of finding reassurance through a survey he wrote last October and had previously given me permission to read I thumbed through the extensive packet of paper.. What I read was less than reassuring and pretty much affirmed my fear of his lack of sexual interest in me.
The question read "Is your sex life satisfactory" his response "no"
The next question said "if no please explain" his response "my girlfriend isn't as attractive as I'd like her to be"
Nothing more about me in the packet aside from stating he lived with me.
Initially my response was hysterical and I felt we couldn't be together. He is currently at an appointment with his PTSD counselor out of town. I'm trying to gather myself together enough to decide how to respond. I love him but feel I might never feel attractive in his eyes again. What would you do in this situation? Any insight is appreciated and will not hurt my feelings. I simply need honesty.

You wrote that you're generally good at communicating with each other. Well, this is an excellent opportunity to put those skills to good use. Talk with your BF about this. It's the only way you're going to find out why he wrote this, what's on his mind, & what it means for your relationship.

The worst thing you can do is to keep this to yourself & allow it to fester. Solid long-term relationships are built on good communication skills. So if you're thinking of this relationship as potentially being of the long-term variety, this is a great opportunity to build on what the two of you have already accomplished. If by some chance you see a therapist, this might be something to discuss with your T before you have the discussion with your BF.

Avoid being confrontational. Do your best to not allow the discussion to devolve into an argument. This is simply an opportunity for you to understand your BF's thoughts & for your BF to understand how reading this made you feel.

[likewater]

I would ask what he meant. He could have meant you aren't a provocative dresser or meant you don't seem permanently particularly attracted to him and he had the grammar wrong. You just never know unless you ask. I also agree with Skeezyks advice.

[Rose76]

If I were you, this guy would probably be walking around with a big old bump on his head from where he would have caught a frying pan upside his noggin. I totally understand your hysteria. He's got some flippin nerve. In letting you read that survey, it was fully his intention to have you find what you discovered.

It's not the least bit unusual for most guys to have some fantasy about being with a girl with movie star good looks. Just like you may occasionally have similar fantasies. But this guy is playing with your head to get an upper hand in the relationship in a cruel way. He's looking to activate your insecurity, so you will think that you are lucky to have him.

There are times in relationships where getting dramatic and hysterical is just what is indicated. This is one of those times. He knowingly let you be very hurt. I'ld say give him way more of a response than he calculated on. You might want to start tossing his stuff out the window right now. Put him in a position where he believes that, if he wants to keep you, he is going to have to beg your forgiveness on his knees.

Thinking you are drop dead gorgeous is not the same thing as being sexually attracted to you. If your sex life up to now has been decent, then you are plenty attractive enough in his eyes. On the other hand, if he has seemed not that interested in sex with you, then maybe he does need to move on and allow you to do the same. But there's a good chance that he is quite fine with the sex he has with you, but would like to make you feel like he is doing you a favor when he loves you. When he handed you that survey to read, he knew what you would find, and he predicted how you would react. He probably envisioned you being all heart broken and begging him for reassurance. That's actually a way of him wanting to feel reassured by testing just how heart broken you'ld be, if you worried that he might be getting ready to walk.

It's not a good idea for you to be predictable to this guy. Give him a response that surprises him. That's why I suggest tossing his stuff out the window. That will actually make you seem sexier to him. When a man complains about a woman not being sexy enough, it usually is not about looks. It's usually about the confidence you project. So that's what you need to do - project confidence.

Another word of wisdom: Don't ever ask to read something like that survey again. That's just an invitation for him to start a head game.

[Rose76]

As you have probably gathered, I totally disagree with the posters above me.

As far as your bf needing to "understand how this made you feel," he knew dang good and well how this would make you feel. He knew this would hurt you. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of hearing me say that because that is what he is looking for. This is a time to project either complete disinterest, or anger, or contempt, or a lot of things. It's not a time to approach him in a mealy mouthed way. That's not sexy. Project confidence. You can't do that while you are saying, "Gee Honey, I just want to know what you need from me . . . what if I dress more sexy . . . what if I blah, blah, blah." That is you coming to him with your head down and no shred of pride left.

I definitely wouldn't ask him what he meant. Don't give him an opportunity to do a bunch of double-talking.

You do need to feel attractive in his eyes, if you are going to stay with him. It's his job to convince you that he does find you attractive.

[Yismymindblank12]

I think I can relate to your bf a bit, but my self esteem issues I handle it differently I'm single, but I chose to single just to heal. I think like him when we are at our lowest we need anything to suit our needs at the moment, yes he loves you and is willing to communicate with you, but it's tested him to past his breaking point of his own ego and self worth. When it comes to superficial things like looks and him comparing himself to others or maybe you to other girls.

I wouldn't jump to conclusions as the first posters suggested, but I would say think about it if it's worth it to you, even if he means that he isn't attracted to you, because that's his choice and you should respect that and then you should make your own decisions whether you want that relationship or not.

I figure he still needs to learn what I learned very early on the hard way, it's like passion of feeling new love seeing the other persons face no matter what it looks like seems much more amazing in the moment, but then the high gets less and less over time and then the true personalities come out..

See I like this girl now, we are just friends, she likes me. I'm ok with that, she may not be the prettiest girl. I think she is, in my opinion, for me at least, but if he thought you were the most attractive person to him alone. Then you're good, I don't see where there would be any need for his insecurities on that. I was saying because I dated a girl, who I was insecure about her looks, not because how she dressed, or how she looked, it was how she presented herself in a weird disrespectful manner, which was confusing to me, but you are a nice person she wasn't.

How I handled it, which I think he should of chose to not let his emotions drive his decisions, let it run its course calm down. Breathe, I have PTSD and not as bad anymore I didn't need anyone's help. I find his behavior and self esteem issues are pressuring him to not being open after the highs of getting what he needed from you and being sort of ungrateful.. As in, he should at least when after communicating that be honest how he feels about saying that and what he's trying to make it clear. At the same time, you should accept his feelings, and if you don't think you want to go out with him anymore do it. You don't have to, and he shouldn't either. It's better if it had to be a break up it should be a learning experience, but at least if you need to feel it's what you want make your intentions clear as much as his. It would help him learn that he needs to overcome his own anxieties to be for front on his opinions and feelings and being mindful before jumping into relationships.

Take what I say as a grain of salt. I don't know your scenario at all.. It just looked similar to something I was in before. It's hard, but you have to learn how to do it. He needs to learn how to sort his emotions better and be upfront if the attractiveness is a deal breaker to him or not. Find that out, then you make your decision.. Don't hold back be clear and you shouldn't have a problem despite his anger issues. If he got mad, he shouldn't had gone out with you if he'd known if he was not be attracted to you later. I agree with the post above mine.

[avlady]

you said you both have some mental issues, you have to work with each other and your problems more so than being in a relationship that has no real issues. your bf you may not know what he is really thinking, maybe he's going through something he can't fully express because of his illnesses. you said you even have issues. i'm not saying to dwell on mental issues, i'm just saying it's a factor in your realtionship. maybe you do need some couples counseling to get an outside professional opinion.

[FearsAffirmed]

Thank you all for the advice. I tried not to get too upset when talking to him about it but failed. Many times I've asked him if there was anything more I could do and he said no so reading this was quite a shock to me. I've always had very low self esteem made worse by abusive, toxic relationships with boyfriends, family, and almost anyone I've trusted or thought cared about me. This time it hurt worse than ever before because I truly believed him. He is the first man who has ever put thought into me and actually put effort into trying to understand me. He has been the most supportive person I've ever been close with and he's helped me through some incredibly traumatic experiences. Reading his response broke my heart because he lied so many times to reassure me that I was good enough. I've had nightmares and anxiety about our sex life for a couple of months. No matter how many times he has told me I satisfy him I've never felt like he was getting as much enjoyment as me and reading this was tremendously damaging. We've talked a lot about it and he swears he's more attracted to me now than he was when he filled this out in October. It's difficult for me to believe him because he lied before and because in my eyes I've changed very little since October. Lost a little weight and started dressing nicer but that's all. Prior to moving in together I was homeless. In the beginning of our relationship I was homeless and moved a couple hours away from our hometown. At this point we were both very unstable and we had to come over a lot of obstacles to begin a relationship. Immediately after meeting he went into inpatient treatment for PTSD and substance addiction at a VA hospital. Our first two months together we exchanged letter and enjoyed 5 hour visits on weekends. His treatment center was a short bus or train ride away from where I moved to start over near my dad. I got 3 jobs and moved in with one of my dads old friends. When I moved all I had was a backpack. Over the 2 month period that he was in treatment I worked and visited him every chance I got. I slowly began establishing myself again after months of homelessness and incredibly traumatic experiences. During my recovery he was my rock and stability. He helped me see my own worth and value. Something I'd never been able to see. I began to love myself. After completing treatment he moved another hour closer to the coast and away from our hometown. Almost immediately after this move he was forced to move back to his hometown. The "stable" environment he planned while in treatment turned out to be not very stable at all. He had planned to move in with his grandmother and cousin on the coast. After two days of an incredibly unstable and triggering environment he reluctantly told me he would be moving back to our hometown 2 hours away. I was upset but supportive. I told him I wouldn't follow him but we both agreed the distance wouldn't be an issue even so soon in our relationship because we had already overcome so much. Approximately a month later my roommates and I had a disagreement ending me back at square one. 3 jobs but no home and not enough money to live alone in such an expensive area. I was forced to return to my home town where all the traumas I was trying to escape had occurred. After a day or so in a home with my mother I experienced another traumatic attack and had no options but to live in my car. I began looking for a job but in my small town it wasn't going to be easy. After 2 weeks of staying on friends couches or in my car by the lake I still couldn't get into our only local homeless shelter. I finally got a part time job as a waitress. At this point he lived just down the street from my new job with a couple of family friends. I would stay a few nights with him but never wanted to over stay my welcome. After getting my first paycheck I was able to get a weekly rate hotel room. After Barely making enough to pay the first week I was distressed. He had come to stay with me almost every night so I wouldn't be alone or afraid. We discussed the idea of moving in together but at this point we had only been together 4 months. This is around the time he filled out the survey. After 4 weeks we realized we were paying more for a small hotel room with no kitchen and just a minifridge than we would for an apartment. We began looking for places and found a small one bedroom walking distance from my job. He paid the deposit and first months rent for us to move in and let me pay him back in small increments. He also paid my car registration and tickets from the previous owner amounting to $600. Overall he invested $1200 into getting me on my feet again. I've since repaid my debt as far as money goes but I know I can never repay the real gifts he gave me.. Love, support, faith, self-worth. He is the first person who ever truly got to know me and chose to love me despite all my hangups, baggage, and insecurities. I've always felt he was to good for me. A handsome army veteran studying for his masters in psychology. And me, an overweight previously homeless waitress with no friends and even hated by family. My own mother didn't want me and reminds me of it regularly. How could someone so smart, caring, handsome, kind, brave, and strong want me? I thanked the universe regularly for sending me something to hope for just in time. After we moved in to our home I began acquiring clothes and belongings again. I started dressing nicer and eating better and feeling prettier. I bought lingerie and for the first time in my life felt sexy. I stopped hating my body and for once actually authentically enjoyed pleasure from making love. Despite growing confidence my environment remained incredibly triggering. Passing memories anytime I left the house fogged my mind with insecurity and doubt. I began having nightmares about him with another woman and telling me he got no pleasure out of sex with me and could no longer be with me but would like to remain roommates. Every time my dreams woke me up crying he did his best to comfort and reassure me. Eventually I began feeling confident in our sex life again. Then, a little less than a week from our 8 month 'anniversary' I find this survey. It's been three days now and he's made love to me each night since and done his best to reassure me that he is attracted to me much more now than he was then. When I asked him what he wanted when he wrote that he said for me to diet and exercise. It hurt. I knew I was too fat for him and more or less he was finally admitting it. For the first two days I emotionally shut down. Went from crying to shutting down completely. He calmed my anxieties the best he could and held me and told me I had already lost some weight since then and I was good enough where I'm at now. I tried putting on lingerie again for him last night but new it was a mistake as soon as I opened the door. I no longer feel safe and sexy and comfortable baring my body in front of him. Despite his efforts to reassure me I feel fat, disgusting, and unattractive. I feel like it is a charade and he isn't truly getting the pleasure out of making love that I am. His reassurances simply don't feel authentic anymore. All the times he reassured me before all the while knowing he was lying. He wrote that in October but in October he swore I was beautiful and satisfied all his sexual desires. Now I know he was lying and it's making it impossible to believe anything he says regarding his sexual satisfaction or attraction to me. I don't know where to go from here. I love him still and am willing to change. I've already started dieting and we plan to be more active together. I've done this twice before. I've always been a little overweight and extremely tall. I'm not graceful or petite in any way. Busty, curvy, tall. Always. I've fluctuated losing and gaining 20-30 pounds since I turned 18. I've lost over 40 pounds in two relationships only to have them result the same each time.. Even after I lose weight and look the best I ever have the person I love still leaves me for someone else or would rather get pleasure from porn. No matter how much I improve my appearance it's never been enough for anyone. I've been forced into threesomes in past relationships, forced to leave the room while my love looked at porn and showed no sexual interest in me whatsoever, cheated on repeatedly while I blindly loved them never knowing their infidelity until the relationship was over, been manipulated and used for money and support, physically abused because I couldn't handle the emotional trauma after being forced into a threesome by the man who supposedly loved me and fathered my daughter, forced to listen from my bedroom to my mother and stepfather while they had sex so loud even my music at highest volume wouldn't drown them out, held hostage and stripped of my clothes then choked when I talked back.... All of these traumas made for a pretty emotional unstable girl who never truly got enjoyment from sex. Then I met my boyfriend and he didn't try anything for two months. So innocent we slept in the same bed and he only tried to kiss me. He respected me. He learned about who I was and listened to me before trying to enjoy me. When we finally made love I suddenly understood what all the fuss was about. I finally enjoyed pleasure from something that in my past had caused me so much pain. And more important than that.. Someone finally enjoyed me. During one of our many deep conversations on the path to understanding one another we discussed sex and our history and enjoyment or lack thereof. He revealed to me he had never truly enjoyed sex and had discussed it with more than one psychiatrist. At 31 he's just discovering and realizing some of the reasons. In his young years he was exposed to graphic sexual content via porn and his father. His father discussed sex with him at an age younger than generally appropriate as if he was one of "the guys". His father also shared with him his disgust for bigger women, or "fat chicks". Contrastingly his mother was a "prude" for lack of a better term. She made him feel sex was disgusting, immoral, and unsafe. His father encouraged him to have as much casual sex with as many girls as possible so he wouldn't end up with the wrong one. His mother encouraged him to be choosy and question whether he would like a baby with the women he chose to have sex with. His parents slept in separate beds but remained married for his sake until he was 19 and his father passed away in his arms from cancer. What resulted in a Nate was a disgust with sex altogether and a reluctance to enjoy or sleep with two many women and never a "big" woman. His few sexual encounters resulted from serious long term relationships not always healthy but always emotionally invested. With petite women. During his late teen years and early twenties he was falsely accused of rape twice and proven innocent but it installed in him a fear of sexual encounters while inebriated and dominating in any way sexually. After this he began a monogamous relationship that resulted in an unexpected pregnancy. The relationship was toxic and far off from remotely healthy. She gave him an ultimatum to marry her or never know his son. He married her quickly and then shortly after was recruited into the army. During his 3 years serving another unexpected pregnancy occurred and his daughter was born. Shortly after he had a vasectomy. Knowing he never wanted more than 2 children and absolutely no more unexpected pregnancies from the wife who was less than loving he did it without consulting her. While on leave in Iraq she spent all of his money on herself and belongings. A chunk of money at Victoria's Secret for items he never even saw. She emotionally damaged her children and began studying psychology to use it against her husband. After returning from Iraq his wife almost died from being mistreated for depression. He recognized her symptoms immediately and saved her life. She thanked him by destroying him mentally any way she could. After being honorably discharged from the military they moved to our hometown and made one last attempt to save their marriage. He finally gathered the nerve to divorce her and she responded with his greatest fear. She took hid children. She lied and manipulated her way into a restraining order and even attempted to brain wash his children into believing he was violent. Due to his PTSD and the testimony of her less than truthful family his kids were eventually taken. Despite a testimony from even his wife's own father that de was lying the court refused to grant visitation aside from court supervised hourly visits. His wife used what she learned from his psychology books against him. She told him he would never see his children again if he wasn't with her. For two years after he fought and did everything he could. He managed to get granted a few visits but when he missed a court date due to his service connected disability and literally being unable to move the court decided he must not care about his children and granted her everything she was asking. Even after receiving a doctors note the judge wouldn't change his judgement. At this point he turned to drugs for comfort and soon enough was arrested. Now he knew he would really never see his kids unless he did something extreme. He signed up for treatment for substance abuse and PTSD through the VA. This is when me met and began dating. He has since completed treatment and we've been living together sober and in recovery since late October. He spoke to his children for the first time since Christmas 2013 on Christmas 2014. He still hasn't seen them or spoken to them again since Christmas. Because of all these traumas sex is generally the last thing on his mind and is associated with a lot of grief. I try to understand this and I've been supportive in any and every way I know how.. But my own insecurities have gotten the best of me since reading the survey and now I'm asking an opinion from all of you. I know it's a lot to read and a lot to expect from strangers but I don't know a single person in the world other than my boyfriend who's judgement I trust so I'm hoping someone out there will read this and be able to tell me how I can trust him again and regain what I lost when reading that survey. I love him and I don't want to lose him but I feel inadequate and I don't know how to make that feeling go away. I don't want it to destroy this relationship like it has so many others..

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[Rose76]

To some extent, I think just the passage of time does ease the pain of having been hurt. As time passes, you have more experiences. As time passes, maybe he does some nice things. Those things will help the memory of hurtful things to fade.

If you find that you trust him less than you did in the past, that may be the natural result of your experience. Our feelings are based on our experiences. You and your bf will have more experiences together. If they are good, your trust will grow. If not, then your trust will not grow. And I think that's what it boils down to.

You can't make things be what you want them to be. You can't force yourself to feel what you want to feel. Things that seem real important right after they happen have a way of becoming less important as time goes by.

Reading that survey was a mistake. It was a mistake for you to want to look at it. It was a mistake for him to make it available for you to look at. This is not how a couple communicates. What was it? Was this a magazine survey? Was he participating in some kind of a study?

You say you went thumbing through this survey in search of reassurance. I don't think that's exactly what was going on. You were already riddled with doubt, and you went poking around till you found something that confirmed your fears. It's a known fact of human nature that we will tend to find evidence for what we already believe.

You spend a lot of time in the post above analyzing your boyfriend's relationship with his former wife. You talk about the wife studying psychology to figure out how to manipulate her husband and hurt him. You describe the emotions she had and that he had. Let what was between them stay between them. In your own mind, you've become an expert on a relationship that you were not a part of. A lot of this is you telling yourself the story you want to believe. You create reasons for your boyfriend's behavior - like saying he turned to drugs to comfort himself in the face of stress from his wife. Any AA or NA group will pretty quickly tell you that it is not your business to psychoanalyze why someone else has gotten involved in worsening substance abuse.

If you have ever participated in AA, Al-ANON, or NA, I would encourage you to get back into that. You're spending way too much time in your own head, churning things around. You are not an expert on your boyfriend's failed marriage, or his relationship with his kids. You are an expert on talking yourself into a very negative way of looking at yourself. The more time you spend rummaging through things that are not really your business and churning things around in your own head, the more you are going to keep coming to the same conclusion - that you are unlovable.

It's like you have the recipe to make only one thing. No matter what might be in the kitchen, when you go out there to cook, you are only going to make that one thing. A lot of this boils down to what you are in the habit of doing.

Look at the user name you've given yourself: "FearsAffirmed." That is the story of how you are living your life. You line up your fears, then you say, "What can I find to prove these fears are valid?" And, of course, you find plenty of evidence. You always will.

I was in a mental health program some years ago where they had a sign on the wall that said something I've come to believe in: "What other people think is none of your business."

Stop trying to figure out what is going on and has been going on in the minds of others. You will never do a good job of that. Stop thinking you know who didn't love who in a relationship that you were not a part of. Stop trying to rationalize your boyfriend's life by coming up with all these explanations for how victimized you think he was.

He let you read something that he knew had a comment in it that was going to be hurtful to you. That was mean of him to do. Don't make it more complicated than that. After 9 months, you have barely begun to know who he is. As is kind of natural when anyone falls in love, you have him build up in your mind as this wonderful person that you hope you are good enough to deserve. Maybe he is not such a paragon of virtue. You've had him on a pedestal as a guy who could do no wrong.

You say your own insecurities have gotten the best of you. No - him doing something hurtful has upset you. That's not being insecure. That's a normal reaction.

He's starting to fall off the pedestal you put him up on. So you want answers to how can you get him back up there. You think that's what love is. It's not. He's no saint. He's human and he's got a bit of a mean streak in him. That doesn't mean he can't love and be worthy of love. But you need to open up to seeing him as he is, not through the rose-colored glasses. He's worked very hard at controlling what you think of him and his past and you just totally buy his narrative lock, stock and barrel.

When he talks about his life with his parents and with his former wife, you need to remind yourself that you were not there. Stop judging his mother and his father and his ex-wife, unless you've had the opportunity to spend a lot of time around these individuals. When you learn to not do that, you will also learn that the value you have is not automatically what he says. In your post above, it sounds like anything this man says to you is like a proclamation of God. Do your own thinking. Stop letting him program you.

You say your insecurity has destroyed your past relationships. Maybe they weren't such good relationships to begin with. Maybe it's not that you destroyed them, but that you couldn't make them into what you wanted them to be.

This guy you are in love with has a history of twice being accused of rape? See if you can quietly get his social security number. Get on-line, when you are alone, and invest a few dollars in doing a background check on him. There is way more to this guy than you have opened your eyes to. And it's not good stuff.

[divine1966]

I am so sorry for how you feel. I'll be honest I had a bf who told me because I gained weight i wasn't as attractive for him. I am not overweight but on occasion I gain few extra pounds in the winter. Honestly after that comment I never wanted sex with him again and eventually left him. I could never get over it. But then other women stay with guys when they call them fat all the time. My own mother does and my dad commented on her weight and she is not even heavy either!

I don't have any advice I think eating healthy and exercising is a good idea regardless if he is attracted to you or not. Sorry I don't know how to help but I understand d how you feel and want to give you a hug

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