[mmitchell]

We have been married a little over a year and I have known him for over 10. We have one child together and three from other relationships (1 is mine). I have grown to the everything about him. During my pregnancy I had a lot of issues with how he treated me. He would force me to have sex despite me not wanting to. If he didn't get his way he would demean me and threaten to find someone else. I discovered he had been buying prescription drugs illegally near the end of my pregnancy. We were struggling financially at the time because I had beef forced to take a hiatus from work due to complications in my pregnancy. This decorated me. I knew he had been a casual user in his younger life but had been clean for years. We had even spoken about it and my feelings regarding that behavior. My mother had just recently overdosed and died after a long-term addiction. He made promises then, but in the two years since he has started using at least twice. I am so distrustful of him now I feel as if I am constantly on edge. Each time he has done this and I try to talk to him about it he tells me I am crazy and making stuff up. Afterwards he will blame me for everything. I am good to him despite what he tells himself. I have been the main provider in our household. He cannot keep a job. He will last 6 months at the most and either quit or get fired. I work full time and went to college throughout our entire relationship and only did not work the last 3 months of my pregnancy. He has not been working the last 5 months and has left everything up to me. I resent him for not taking any responisibility in our lives. On top of all of this he is selfishly mean to our children. By this I mean that he will ignore and get mad at our youngest son if he wants attention. He prefers for my 8 year old to stay shut up in his room and out of his way. He gets jealous if I give them my attention instead of him. He has several other behaviors that are equally as childish. I cannot stand him. I have no interest in sex and he treats me like I am dirt because of this. He talks down to me because he is not getting what he wants. Despite being well educated and relatively intelligent there are times when he has gotten me so low I have considered suicide. I quickly reassert myself to know that it is not an option, but I do not know what to do. He has said that he will never grant me a divorcemii am at the end of my rope and cannot go on like this anymore.

Sorry for all the errors I'm writing on my phone

[Up.Late]

Can you afford to just go and leave him in his own mess? Would he let you take all the children (so they are safe)?

I wish I had some excellent advice for you. In Australia they don't have to agree to a divorce. You have to try to resolve the issues (usually through counselling) but if he doesn't show up or it doesn't work, you can file for divorce over Irreconcilable Differences'

I hate that he's had you thinking about suicide. That's not the answer. You need to get out of this situation before the day comes when you can't pull yourself out of that slump.

I really feel for you and the kids. Have you considered calling the police about his drug habit? (again, sorry, in Australia the rules are very different. I'm not sure if this is an option where you are)

Please know that there is a woman on the other side of the world who is hoping for you and wishing you the best.

[kaliope]

well you have listed the cons of this relationship, are there any benefits? he does not have control of whether you file for divorce or not. he does not need to grant you permission. you can go to the court, get the blank forms, fill them out, pay the filing fee, serve his ***, he has some time to answer, he may contest it, you may have to go to mediation, you may come to an agreement and then you are divorced, if you dont come to an agreement, the judge decides and you are divorced. with the history you described, he really doesnt have much of a leg to stand on.

[divine1966]

File for divorce sorry I don't see other options

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[Rose76]

Do you want to leave?

[~Christina]

Report him for child abuse, file a restraining order. Report his drug abuse that will hurry along the process of keeping him away from you and your children. File for divorce. Your children need to be protected no matter what.

[mmitchell]

I am extremely glad to have this community. The **** hit the fan today...and I stirred the pot to get it boiling. I know it's wrong, dirty, and underhanded...but I took his phone while he was sleeping. He is clever and deletes everything, but I am a bit of a wiz when it comes to computers and in less than 5 minutes I had all the evidence I needed. He is using again, which I knew. I know the signs since I grew up with addicts for parents. I have tried to talk to him about it over the past few weeks, but he stuck to his guns telling me I was crazy and inventing things in my head. When he woke up and discovered his phone missing he knew something was up. I pulled up the deleted content on my computer and asked him to just sit and talk to me about it. He lost it. He threw his phone against the wall, busting both the phone and the wall. He kept telling me that what I had did was wrong and asking why I had to do that. He refused to see that if he was just honest with me then I wouldn't have to do that. I didn't like doing it, but I could not stand to live this lie. I have a very strict zero tolerance policy when it comes to drugs. I do not judge people either way, but I do not want it in my or my children's life. He was satisfied with living his life as a lie, and it has been tearing me apart. I made him leave. It wasn't pretty and he could possibly charge me with abuse because there towards the end I got pretty upset and was trying to get him out the door any way possible. I could not stand to listen to his lies. He was still lying the whole time, saying that he was just buying for someone else and that he wasn't using. I just wanted him gone. I am not a violent person and hitting someone is majorly uncharacteristic of me but I JUST WANTED HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE and away from my children.

To answer questions:

Up.late - yes I can, he does not work and I have supported him for most of the last 3 years. I do not need him. There is not much I could do if I reported his drug use. It is pretty normal around this area and anyone not considered a major dealer gets looked over. I appreciate all of your thoughts and kindness.

Kaliope - I'm sure there were some Pro's at one time, but now they are hidden under all of the lies and hurt. He is a generally nice person and I know he loves me. He just does not know how to be in a healthy relationship. He is still immature in so many ways that you cannot see until he shows his true self. This is my second marriage (I certainly know how to pick them) and I know how to go about it, but he has said he will fight dirty if necessary. I don't want to go through that with my sons.

divine1966 - Thank you for the straight forwardness of your reply. I wish it was that easy.

Rose76 - No, I do not want to leave, I want him to. I know you meant leave as in the relationship, but I do not want him to be able to say that I left him for whatever reason he makes up. I want him to know that he was the one who had to leave because of the choices he made. To answer your question, yes I want out of this relationship.

Christina - there is no actual abuse of the children, he is just mean and it is hard to prove mental abuse. The restraining order I will take care of. Now that he is no longer in the house I have to ensure that he cannot pick up the son that we share from Daycare. That is my biggest concern at this time. He has no legal right over my older son so I can remove his permission's there easy enough. Where we live drug abuse in a more than common occurrence. Unless I was able to report that he was a big time mover and shaker than there is little that reporting his habit would do.

Thank you everyone. I know that this isn't over and I worry about my strength to stay firm on my decision to kick him to the curb. I have made him leave in the past, but he always manages to make promises (he never keeps) and convince me to let him stay. Typing that makes me feel like the sanest crazy person alive.

[Up.Late]

I'm so glad you got him out! I've been at this point with my husband before and I left with the 2 kids cause I thought it was easier, but its not.

I hope that he either gets clean or he doesn't come back. It seems like this is a recurring habit for him and living in that area must be hard for him to stay clean once he is clean. Maybe if he does manage to clean up his act, you could move to a new area for a fresh start?

A restraining order is a good idea too, and with all the proof you have from his phone it should be easy enough to get one, thankfully.

I am glad you have this community too. I hate to think how you would be coping without some way to unload all of the stress you're going through.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by mmitchell

I have made him leave in the past, but he always manages to make promises (he never keeps) and convince me to let him stay.

This may be just the latest go round in that recurring cycle. So what can feel like progress is sometimes just continuation of a entrenched pattern. I went through similar cycles during the 7 years I lived with a heavy drinker. In my case, there were no children, which did make things a lot less complicated than what you are dealing with.

Since there are kids, it makes more sense to me for you and the kids to stay where you are and for him to be the one to leave. What I came to accept was that it was not up to me to decide my partner's behavior. I had tried so hard to control his drinking. It was a huge weight off my shoulders when I decided that I was done with that. He could go drink himself blind for all I cared, but I would not live with drunken behavior.

In my case, I just packed up and left. Throwing him out had never accomplished much. I would always feel sorry and let him come back. So I left, knowing that where I moved to would truly feel like my own place, and I would not feel I owed him a roof over his head. Having no kids to accommodate made that easier to do. After another year of him drinking, he actually did stop once and for all, due to his health becoming a mess. I had nothing to do with him stopping, and maybe that is why he succeeded.

Since your husband is not contributing financially, it seems to me that you already know you can survive without him. Of course, he'll make all the promises he made in the past to get his foot back in the door. That can put you in the position of monitoring his behavior to see that he keeps promises. That's what really got me out of the arrangement I was in. I decided that I did not want to have to monitor anyone. I had been supervising my boyfriend like he was my teenage son. It got to where I just totally lost any and all interest in doing that. I realized I would never be clever enough to stay a step ahead of him, and it just got to be a game I was completely tired of. You don't realize how much energy this takes out of you, until you stop doing it.

[divine1966]

Rose I have the same experience. I left my alcoholic last year because I didn't like who I became while trying to manage his drinking: angry bitter depressed etc I am much happier now. After over 8 years of trying to make him quit or hoping he quits I was finally done. He still drinks still asks me to come back still promises I feel bad for him but will never go back to him

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[divine1966]

MMitchell you are so very strong stay strong and do what is right for u and yours kids and I know it is not easy so I send you you hugs

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[mmitchell]

He is already trying to make the same promises he has made in the past. But I've told him I'm tired of being his keeper. Even if he cleans up I can never trust him. On top of that I do not want to submit myself to the emotional abuse anymore, my self esteem is low enough because of him. Thank you all for your comments and stories.

[hannabee]

I hope you can stay strong! You've made the right decision in your situation and the most important thing is to keep you and the kids safe!! Big hug. Come and post if you feel like you're slipping back into what sounds like a miserable situation. You can do so much better and you will find happiness again!

[Up.Late]

Originally Posted by hannabee

I hope you can stay strong! You've made the right decision in your situation and the most important thing is to keep you and the kids safe!! Big hug. Come and post if you feel like you're slipping back into what sounds like a miserable situation. You can do so much better and you will find happiness again!

Ditto!

We are here if you need us!

[Mygrandjourney]

Stay safe and let him know that there is help available if he ever wants to seek it out. I would also recommend that he not have any unsupervised contact with the kids until he can prove (ideally via observed drug testing) that he is staying clean (not just getting clean).

[mmitchell]

It is a cycle that follows the same path. My first husband was the same in ways, but so much worse. I don't know what to do other than to just keep on from day to day. It's the loneliness that is the worst. I have no one I can turn to or talk to. I have no family left that cares. My gran passed this year and she was the only one who had contacted me since my mom died. At 27 no one should have to be this alone. I'm thankful for this community. At least now there is somewhere to get this off of my mind. It gets harder to pretend that everything is alright at work.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by mmitchell

It is a cycle that follows the same path. My first husband was the same in ways, but so much worse. I don't know what to do other than to just keep on from day to day. It's the loneliness that is the worst. I have no one I can turn to or talk to. I have no family left that cares. My gran passed this year and she was the only one who had contacted me since my mom died. At 27 no one should have to be this alone. I'm thankful for this community. At least now there is somewhere to get this off of my mind. It gets harder to pretend that everything is alright at work.

We are here for you. We are all in the sabe boat on here honey please keep posting we all understand

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