Non Speaking Husband

(((marieburch))),

I have been reading through your thread. Wow, you were very young when you met him and six years with him, you are now 24, and he is 29? He was only 23 when he met you, I think he had a sense of superiority just by age alone at first.

Did he go to college? Does he have a degree?

You know, he moved in with you and you were the provider, and while he has a job, it sounds like his family is the provider. Even though he works, it doesn't really sound like he really "left" the dependent stage.

I think in his mind he is blaming "you" for that. Also, the fact that he needed to make sure that house was only in "his" name shows me even back then, he was still threatened by you.

In everything you have discussed here about what he "does say", means to me that he is a very insecure person. Also, his timing is significant because you are getting so close to getting your masters, even though he wont admit it, that is a major threat to him.

Always remember something about "what people say", always look for when they are critical as often what they say is "projecting their own issues onto you". Often a friendship or a relationship can go along and seem good, then something like this happens and this person is all of a sudden "attacking you" and needs to tell you "it is your fault". Also, never once in all of this did he even want to think about YOUR FEELINGS, right? When a person is projecting "their issues on you", the last thing they will have is EMPATHY for you. You could be struggling, and need to vent, THAT IS NOT CONSIDERED and WILL EVEN BE CONDEMED. The reason is, it is NOT ABOUT YOU, instead it is about THEM, and these people tend to pick the person they often feel LESS THAN somehow.

You say, YOU have been his therapist right? He struggles to talk, however, because he has your attention now, he is talking right? Again, it's all about HIM. He did not really care about where you slept either right, again ALL ABOUT HIM. He went out and bought a boat and told you right? Again, ALL ABOUT HIM. He won't go see a therapist right? Well, that means he doesn't want to take responsiblity for himself.

Didn't you say he bought this house and told you he did it for you? NOT Why would he even say that then, HE NEEDED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIMSELF.

Are you seeing the pattern here?

Actually, from what you have said, he is showing some Narcissistic Patterns. Keep in mind they "can't empathize". You have in this entire thread been expressing the "classic confusion" of someone who partners up with an individual that has these Narcissistic Patterns.

Some food for thought.

Also, in a situation like this, you are young yet, only 24. IMHO, forget the damn house, get your masters and walk away. I have a very strong feeling that your relationship will be ALL ABOUT HIM, and you will continued to be "confused".

You should read about this kind of person, you will not be the first to get tangled up with one. They can "seem" nice, be incredibly intellegent even and have an idea of how to treat others, but they need to be the "king" or predominent one, and often "yes" in all that, it is all about them. Hint, the don't like to empathize, they get turned off and even "angry" if you need it or ask them to.

I bought you a house, aren't I GREAT? NOT

Open Eyes!!
He was never been like this. I wondered if it has something to do with my degree but thought "no way" he's not like this. The timing was odd. Less than four months and he pulls this. I've been dealing with this for two months and now have Less than 8 weeks. This happened and I thought he was pretty open about things. When this all happened
I was SHOCKED as I still am. This is not the man I married. It was all my fault and he was thinking about allowing me to stay. He says I have to prove myself in order to stay. Then he said I'm doing everything right but still needs to think about me staying. ( Now that I know this is not my house it makes me mad. Yet continues to say he doesn't want a divorce just time to make a decision. Yes, when this happened he said that he bought me this house. He hasny given me money to help with anything. I've been paying for everything as far as bills, gas, and tuition. We only have basic bills such as gas, electric, trash, etc... We discussed getting my Masters and when we got married he took over the payments. We decided to make monthly payment so We wouldn't have to take out student loans. I've had to borrow money from my parents to make ends meet. Basically, I'm able to stay in the house rent free and that is it. The last week has been all work. Work has verbally abused him over and over. He said he has a lot of mentally things going on.
So my question is .... Why not just divorce me? Why the games??

He was never like this. Sorry for the misspelled words. I am using my phone.

marieburch,

He has never been like this? He is empathetic to "your needs"? He kicked you out and didn't care about your feelings though. He tricked you into signing papers agreeing to no ownership of that home.

Why not divorce you? Oh, is that totally up to him too?

Ok, I understand that he is very unhappy at work. Than "can" make someone very depressed. Was he "always" unhappy with work?

Also, you have been dealing with this for two months, and he consistently has blamed it on you, "your fault".

What education does he have? Maybe he needs to look for a job elsewhere?

You know, you are so damn close to getting your masters, which he is suddenly in crisis and is distracting you from, which I find troubling. Well after you get your masters, maybe you could work while he goes back to school, or changes careers somehow? At 29, it's not unusual to decide you don't like what you are doing for a living, that is actually reasonable. But he should at least hang on until you get your masters and can get a good job and maybe take over if he needs to find a different job or maybe go back to school to get what he needs to do a career change.

But, if you do that and make any mortgage payments, then that house has to also be in your name too. I don't like what he did when it comes to that house. Either you and him are partners, or there is no point in staying together IMHO.

I asked him last week if he wanted a divorce. He said no. I asked if he wanted to check out new horizons ( date someone else) he said NO!! He got so angry that I even asked. He turned it around and said why so you ask that? Are you wanting to date someone else.
I told him that when I graduated he can quit and look wlaw where. I also told him he can quit now because we (he) have enough money in the bank to live off for a year and be ok.
I asked why play these games when it would be easier to divorce. Especially of im the horrible person. Yes, I have been blamed for everything under the sun.

I love the outsiders responses and I appreciate the honesty. Through this I have been a confused mess. I am still focussed on school keeping up my straight A's!

Sometimes, a person can go along in a relationship and be good tempered when they are getting what they want. You have been pretty busy, he has been working, and he got that house and needed to feel good about himself with that. Ok, but here you are and "he" is not happy.

Notice I used the term Narcissitic patterns. When I said that, I am thinking about everything you have discribed of him, and "his" actions and words. He "is" right now, "thinking about himself" and not "you". This is an emerging pattern that you will need to pay attention to with him.

Sometimes it is a challenging phase, but sometimes it is a red flag too. I did not diagnose him, I have noticed the patterns, something to watch, pay attention to.

I had some red flags I missed myself with my husband, it was quite the challenge for me, even was worse when I got pregnant, and had a child. I can look back and see the red flags for sure now though.

Just suggesting to pay attention, you are smart have been self sufficent too. But, you are still young yet, there are things in relationships we may not notice, important things. Keep paying attention, it is good that you are talking, again, that is all you though. And, it "is" about him. So pay attention and make sure you are not denying yourself.

I will say though, that as hard as this is right now, you need to keep your focus on that degree, that is not far away, and it is important to "your life" with our without him.

How come not divorce? I asked him last week. He said no. I asked if he wanted to separTe and go on his own or date. He got mad and said no. Why not? Isn't that easier?

I know your not diagnosing him. I'm going to look at the Narcissist definition. Like I said at first I thought it was the degree, then I thought about what a horrible peson he said I was, now it's work. Looking back at what has happened. With these problems they all seem to revolve around one main person. He's had a problem with a lot of individuals now the main people are at work. Verbal abuse.
He bought the boat and I wasn't aware of it. He bought a big fish tank I was t aware of it. When I first came back into the home. He would just sit and watch the fish in the fish tank for about an hour a night.

Why is it up to him to divorce?


Just serve the bastard his divorce papers.


You're complicating your own life now, dragging your heels, seeking permission to divorce, which is just adding to your own confusion.


I don't understand why you keep asking him if he'd like a divorce, what do you want?


You know he is not your lord and master, you can file for divorce all on your own.

How did he afford to buy a house at such young age? Did he have enough for down payment? I am confused on this house situation. Most young people can't afford it. You got married he was 23? When did buy the house?

How much was the house? The whole story with the house confuses me. My nephew is 25 and is an engineer. Highly paid and just got his college degree. He will be saving but right now he cannot buy the house. How could your husband????

He bought a boat? What is it a row boat ? Lol my ex husband owns s yacht but he is CEO of a well known company and makes a ton. Your husband seems to hate his job and has no education. What does he do? Where he gets the money from????

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He has always been a person that saves money. When I met him he had a pretty good savings. He still is a good saver. He gets paid a good salary and gets commission (family business) Whatever he buys he pays cash or waits until he can afford to buy it. He's claims to hate his job. He has a high school diploma. The only bills we have are the basic ones that come with the house.

marieburch,

I will say that sometimes a person actually can be bullied at work and abused and that can get them confused and lost and seriously doubting themselves too. Some people even have developed PTSD because of that too.

He could be extremely confused and depressed and so much so that he may even be questioning if "you" are going to abandon him too.

As I mentioned, I struggled a lot with my husband, especially at that age. He often was mean to me and he was also in denial too. There were many times he "blamed me" too.
I was young, and often very confused. My husband often expressed Narcissistic Patterns, only I did not understand that, I did not have access to the internet as people do now either.

I am not telling you to get a divorce either. However, this situation is definitely a red flag that needs to be gotten to the bottom of.

My advice though, is get your masters, that "is" a priority for you right now. Don't let him pull you into a craziness that prevents you from achieving that either. I will say that Narcissists do like to have "the control" and they do see the gain of others as a threat too. It has never ceased to amaze me how far they will go to tear down another they perceive as a threat somehow either. They "always" leave a wake of confusion behind them too.

(((Hugs)))
OE

At young age he can already buy houses and boats with cash support himself and his wife and pay her graduate school tuition.

He is either a genius or his family supports him or he works so hard that he is now overwhelmed and tired and losing his mind. The whole story is confusing. You signed papers not reading them, perhaps he didn't want your name on
The house because He is the only one playing for everything but then he shouldn't be married. Sounds like when two of you got married you didint discuss details. You can take student loan now. That is common

I would consider to separate and think of divorce

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

He sounds jealous to me? You are in school and working two jobs and doing your thing but I haven't heard of any things that he's doing/interested in? He could just be a bit afraid you'll grow away from him, start to make more money, have a more interesting job, that sort of thing and he'll only be good for paying bills, not a very exciting way to think of one's self?

If he won't talk, there's not much point in speculating on what he's thinking/feeling? You pulled out of him that he does not want separation or divorce and it appeared to make him angry talking about it. He has said "it" is all your fault. To me, how he feels about you and what you are doing appears to be what's at fault; not literally "you".

I'd get proactive and ask him to go to a few therapy sessions together so you don't have to do all the work of trying to figure out what is actually wrong. If he will not go, that will tell you something else. If you want to live that kind of life, I would just shrug and keep doing what you are doing. I would move back and if he wants room to think or whatever, he can move out as he offered to. My advice would be to take him up on what he gives you and not buy into his drama. If he doesn't get talking as much as you'd like or help resolve his issues, then I would think about if I wanted to do something else for myself.

If he makes enough money to buy houses and boats pay all bills and his wife tuition then he might not see benefit of going to college plus not everybody is College material or he might not even have time for college! Plenty of people who work in family business do not go to college. I wouldn't put people down because they didn't go to college.

He does sound like a bit of a jerk. But I can't shake the feeling there is more to the story. There usually is



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Before we got together he lived with his parents. When he worked all he did was save his money. He didn't have to pay rent nor did he have any bills. When he bought is first vehicle he paid cash. It was t new.
We didn't discuss the house he bought. We were so much in love I didn't think anything g if it. So whe he told me I had to go in and sign peppers he said it was for the deed because we got married. No, I didn't ask or question my new husband because I trusted him. The title company never explained anything either. I'm not blaming anyone for my mistake. My comment was he's running around mad at the world. When i found out about the house he didn't understand why I was upset.

The reason I keep asking why doesn't he want a divorce? He keeps telling me he loves me and wants me home with him. Then in another sentence he says he hasnt decided to let me stay yet.

What do you want yourself? How would you like to see the relationship going forward from here?
Why do you allow him the power to decide if you can stay... It takes two but I am missing your input here.

I can understand now how he could buy a house. That is what my husband could do as well because he ALWAYS saved money, he ALWAYS put aside part of whatever he made and over many years that did add up to where he had enough to put a downpayment on a house.

You have not answered though, what his education level is.

With my husband, he finished High School, but only got two years of College in. It would be many years before I would learn that my husband struggled with school because he has two learning disabilities. There is pieces to the puzzle that had challenged me, it would have been such a tremendous help to me had I know these pieces. That is part of why I keep questioning you about his educational level.

She said he has high school diploma and works for the family business. I understand saving money. But he was 23 they got married. Buying house, new car, boat. All cash. Don't know anyone who could that. You said it yourself "over many years". This guy didn't have many years to save

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Do you know what YOU want? You seem to be motivated by what he wants and what he says. Did this relationship start with man making all the decision and running the show? And then it stopped working?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I was 23 when I married him. He was 27. He is shy six units from an AA. He now works for the family business. Now he is saying that he is being belittled at the business. He can look for another job but hasn't done it. He has to look no one else can do it for him.
I have been doing my own thing. We're in the same bed at night and have dinner together. I have two jobs. One during the morning. The other is traveling with a sports team but I'm home later in the evenings when I travel. Sometimes I'm gone on the weekends but home in the evening. This is my third year doing this because it will be my permanent job when my degree is completed.

This Howeve doesn't answer the "what do you want?" question tho....


If you're happy to live your life based on the whims of your husband, that's your business, but then I would suggest therapy to make peace with your decision to live according to his will and mercy.


I think that is a better way to use your time, as opposed to asking internet strangers to read your husband's mind.