[prettydaisy25]

Hi everyone and thank you for reading my post and offering your best advice. I have a lot to share, so please bear with me..

My problem began in 2011 (I was a senior in H.S) and I introduced my boyfriend (at that point we were dating for a year) to my parents for the first time. I was 17 at the time and my bf was 18. He came over and met my parents and was very respectful. The next day, my parents flipped at me to end the relationship because they didn't like his looks. Mind you, we are the same religion and ethnicity but he is a little darker than I am. My mom got into a whole fight about how he is ugly and If I ever considered what my kids would look like...it was pretty bad. Soon after that passed they ended up finding out that I also slept with my bf...which made the situation even more worse. My dad threatened to cut off my school tuition for college if I didn't break up with him. I ended up lying to them that I will end everything however I didn't.

Fast forward to today, the relationship has been going on secretly for 5 years. I really love my bf and there was no reason other than my parents disapproval to break up with him. I am now 22 finished with college and working and my bf is 23 in school. I recently told them that I ran into him and wanted to give us a second chance and all hell broke lose. I couldn't tell them we were dating this entire time but I needed to find a way to break the ice about him. My parents flipped and are demanding that I have nothing to do with him and to find someone better that they would approve. I am so torn I don't know what to do. I love my bf very much and we been thru a lot and his parents love me and offered me to stay with them. my parents are threatening to disown me and shame me to family...please help

[~Christina]

Your in lousy situation, Only advice I can offer is ,,, Follow your heart if you love your boyfriend and planning your life together, well then he is your future.. Hopefully your parents will come around.

[ChipperMonkey]

You have to live for you. You can't live for your parents. Do what you feel is right.

It's my guess that your parents will come around, eventually. They will most likely always give you a hard time about him and not be overly pleasant.

The time comes in everyone's life when we need to separate from our parents and start making our own decisions (and sometimes mistakes, but that's part of adulthood).

[prettydaisy25]

Thank you for replying! A lot of my closest friends are also telling me the same to follow my heart. The only thing I'm nervous about is actually leaving home. See, my entire life I have been sheltered and taking such a huge risk is pretty scary. I know at the end of the day my bf is the love of my life. And I will regret it if I don't follow my heart. My parents are guilt tripping me in so many ways..."your making us depressed" .....and my sister is getting married in August- being that I am her MOH it's expected that I would be there to support her...if I leave now I would most likely not be included in her big day and my parents would have a lot of explaining to do as to why I wasn't there. I have been carrying so much on my shoulders for 5 years And I know it has not been easy on my boyfriend either but regardless he still stood by me thru it all. Any advice on how I should leave or have any of you ever walked out of home before forever and not look back? Thanks again!

Well, I don't see any way that doing this now won't end up putting your sister in a difficult position. Even if she has the strength to argue that she will keep you in the wedding, she shouldn't have to deal with any additional stress.
Is it possible for you to keep quiet until after the wedding? You can use the time to make plans.

We have all left home at some point. Occasionally we go back and then leave again (because it's so much better away from home). Really the most difficult thing about it is the worrying. It can be paralyzing.

The very best way to handle all of this is to stay calm and not argue. Your parents will see that their guilt, pleading, and threatening are not going to work. Just calmly and rationally say something along the lines of "I have decided that I want to be with (boyfriend). I really would appreciate your support with this. I will be moving out on (date)". If you decide to leave after the wedding, then don't tell them until it's over.

They will yell and argue and cry and do what parents are good at, but the trick is to stay calm and reply with a smile and a "thank you" and "don't worry". That will show your maturity, determination, and resolve (even if you don't feel it!).

They may or may not come around and it might take hours, days, months, or years. The important thing is that you continue to attempt a call and an email to say "hi", send those birthday and holiday cards, and keep asking for a lunch date with them. Doing these things will give you an advantage....and peace of mind.

Good luck to you and try not to worry. You're an adult

[NWgirl2013]

You are finished with college, have some sort of career I am guessing. Perhaps it is time to strike out on your own? Get a small apartment, and start making your own way. It is necessary anyway that you have some time to grow up away from the family before you consider anything more permanent with your boyfriend.
It sounds like it is more than just your boyfriend, it is your family accepting you as an adult. BE an independent adult for awhile and let them learn to see you that way.

Best of luck to you

[avlady]

you probably have a hard time here!!! i suggest you get out on your own, like someone else said you could hold off until after the wedding to leave, you do need to get out on your own in order to keep the peace about your bf. could you make enough money to get an apartment? you have finished college so that is a great thing!!!Good luck

[prettydaisy25]

Hi everyone! To clarify a few points yes I have successfully began my career working as an accountant for a well known organization. My initial plan was to wait until the wedding was over however the added stress is already taking a toll on my boyfriend and myself. I was actually admitted into the hospital last night and as he was on his way to see me- he himself got admitted at the same hospital! Crazy isn't it! Thank God were both ok it was symptoms of stress that piled up over the years getting to both of us. I would love to have my own apt now however financially it's not possible atleast not for the beginning of this year. My plan was to stay with boyfriend save up and eventually have my own place. I wouldn't want to live with his family forever although they are wonderful people. I am trying to encourage myself to walk out the door, however that feeling of leaving home without parents wishes is getting to me. A lot of my friends have told me that staying here will only affect my health as well as my boyfriend's and right now hospital visits are not necessary. It sucks that I am in a lose lose situation however I know for a fact that love usually conquers.....

[randman78]

Hi Daisy,

A couple of questions... Have you ever dated anyone else besides your boyfriend, and if so, how did your parents react to other guys?

Your sister is an interesting aspect to all of this; how was she treated when she dated her fiancé, and/or other men during her life? Did your parents do the same thing to her as they're doing to you?

Perhaps you might to confide in your sister about what's happening between you and your parents, if you feel you have that kind of relationship her? Did your sister ever meet your boyfriend, and what are her thoughts?

Overall it sounds as if you have controlling parents, who will stop at nothing to manipulate and control you. When parents threaten their adult children with disowning them because of a relationship they disapprove of, it's all about them, not you. Being the son of a controlling mother who's currently going through a similar experience, I've spent a lot of time thinking about this topic very much. It's one thing if you were in a relationship with someone who was a criminal, or overall bad person that could potentially drag you down. And if that were the case, I think any well adjusted parent wouldn't react by proclaiming disownment, but try help an adult child in a more sympathetic way. This is purely lashing out against you in order to fulfil their fantasy of what they want for you, rather than what you want for yourself.

Like your friends and others here have suggested, follow your heart. If you don't, you'll regret it for the rest of your life, and that's something you don't want, trust me on that.

If your BF's parents have openly invited you to come live with them and your BF because of the situation, then I would suggesting taking them up on that offer.

One thing though, I would hold off if you can until after your sisters wedding. Bringing all of this up now, as you said yourself, could result in you being un-invited to the wedding, which your parents will use against you. Controlling parents will do whatever it takes to make you look like the bad guy in any scenario, and they'll use that against you and will blame you for ruining your sisters wedding. It's guilt trips and manipulation, so be very careful of that.

Good luck!

[jasmine30]

OP, my advice to you is go with your heart. Move out, don't live with your parents. and they will have NO control over you.
May I ask, why they disapprove your boyfriend OP? Are you guys Interracial couple?

My mother disapprove my husband because he is not Chinese.
Trust me, I know how you feel. All hell broke lose too when I told my Chinese mother that I'm dating my then boyfriend, now husband (he's Black)

Let me tell you my situation, your not the only one with parents disapproval.
I'm a Financial independent girl. I live on my own for more than a decade without a penny help from my parents, yet my mother still try to control who I date.

I'm 30, and I recently married my boyfriend who is 29
Our whole relationship, my mother didn't approve because I'm Chinese and he is African.
We got married anyways at a simple Courthouse ceremony, with 2 witness: my husband mother and my older brother.

My Chinese mother refused to give me her blessing. Both of my parents didn't show up at the Courthouse, but we still got married! Yah!
He is an awesome husband, he adores this Chinese wife of his. I have no regrets this lifetime.

btw, my mother disown me. Heck, I don't even live with her. It been 12 years since I walk out of her house. And she still trying to control who I date/married just because she is mommy, go figure.

Being Chinese and disown my your parents that is very hurtful, I feel a part of me is missing. The day before the Courthouse ceremony; I phone my mother in desperation that she would show up, and give me her blessing. But Nope, she still belittle me and insult me for married him
I cried after I hang up the phone. But I told myself to stop, because last thing I want is my husband who work 12-14 hours shift everyday to come home and see my crying eyes.

Good luck to you OP, follow your heart.

[prettydaisy25]

Hi guys! To clarify a few points, i have had 2 boyfriends before my current one but my parents didnt know about it because i was young and still in h.s. To be honest those past relationships were more of a learning experience to decifer what i wanted and what i didn't. And i am more than happy those came to an end sooner rather than later. My current bf and I are each other's best friends and we both connect in such a way that is like no other. I honestly cant explain the feelings but i feel so happy when i am with him. My parents did not treat my sister this way at all. She had her "bed" made easy because her bf covered all aspects MY PARENTS were looking for, plus they know his family from previous years so it was an instant approval. I know they want the best for me, however growing up i always felt like my sister was more of a big brother watching over my every move-and reporting it to my parents. Don't get me wrong I love them all very much, but I don't have the freedom to live a life as a normal adult my age would when i am with them. They watch me like hawks if i am on the phone, at one point while i was still in college they would monitor my phone bill. Which was very unfair because they never did such things with my sister. I have kept alot in for my sister while growing up-always covered for her and helped her as much as i could have. But it always plays out to her siding with mom and dad rather than have a heart to heart with me. Even if i tried to talk to her about my feelings and emotions-which i have her response is "your nuts! you can find someone better that is worth your time. i dont like him and mom and dad dont what part of that dont you understand?"...i know missing her wedding will be difficult, but i really dont know if i can deal with the added stress to wait 5 months. It has been super difficult already on me and him both these past 5 years.

[prettydaisy25]

OMG WOW! But i can say bless your heart and your husband's heart that you guys did what was best. And i can only wish you guys a prosperous life together. I am not in an interracial relationship-my bf and i are both the same ethinicty and religion. My parents dont like him because he is darker than i am, and they think our "looks" dont match. They ran a Facebook check on him in h.s (courtesy of my sister) and saw some pictures of him hanging with friends drinking. He does not do drugs, is not an alchoholic, and was never caught up with a police background etc. Another factor that angered them was the fact that we slept together and they found out. He is currently working 2 jobs and is trying his best to be enrolled into school this year. Thank you so much for your feed back. It eases my heart to a certain degree knowing I am not alone. I know I want to be with him-just making the move to leave home is the hardest part.

[prettydaisy25]

And knowing my parents-once I leave it will be rough on them..my dad is the only one trying to keep peace between everyone-and i tried to talk to him about my feelings but he keeps saying "move on and find someone we can all appreciate. we are trying to make our family happy or people will look down upon us"....

[eeyorestail]

Just wanted to wish the OP well. My husband and I are from different cultures and we faced some challenges with his family as a result. As others have mentioned, you are at a difficult but promising time in your life where it can be a struggle to balance your new life as an independent individual and your relationship with your family back home. You sound mature and thoughtful and I'm confident you have good times ahead.

[prettydaisy25]

Thank you for such kind words. It is great to have so many virtual "friends" that support me and I am really and truly blessed.

[randman78]

Obviously you're in a situation where your parents just want to control you to the point where you must conform to their lifestyle, and what makes them happy.

As you quoted: "move on and find someone we can all appreciate. we are trying to make our family happy or people will look down upon us"

This is completely all about them and what they want, not you. The only other scenario is that if you've done something in your past that you haven't delved into it, that's making your parents act this way for some reason. If that's truly not the case, your parents are just stubborn and emotionally selfish.

I'm not saying it's easy, but you're going to have to eventually stand your ground and go with your heart, regardless of displeasing your parents. They'll either have to come around to accepting your choices as a responsible adult, or they won't. If they choose the latter, just remember it's them, not you, they made the choice not to respect you or what you truly want to do with your life. And remember that, it's your life, not theirs.

Don't end up like me, at 36, living at home with my mother, who's done the exact same thing to me as your parents have done to you; judge, jury and executioner about whom you can have romantic relations with. If you live by their rules only to appease them, you will regret it for the rest of your life.

[prettydaisy25]

Thank you for your advice friend. I am sorry to hear how things have played out for you but don't give up hope at anytime. I have not done anything in the past to make my family see otherwise their just dead set on their expectations and will not alter their minds at all.