[The_eagle]

I never know how to start a conversation off like this. So I'll just write and see what happens. This is going to be long and I apologize. I would like to say that I'm safe, this is all in the past and this is more of a ''what now'' question.

People would always tell me how lucky I am to have such a wonderful man. He's so sweet and so carrying. People that know him still think this. Ive always been the bad guy in some eyes because I'm more serious, more reserved and more quiet. But, I've been told I was in an abusive relationship after I told someone. I don't like talking about it because I always fear the judgment.

I often find it hard to consider it abuse. Especially compared to what I've first hand witnessed *growing up* and or read the stories of women who had it so much worse. I never had black and blue eyes. Nor had a broken bone although I did have a bruised finger and swelling. mostly my fault I think since I grabbed ahold of him trying to not fall. Although that made it worse. I have been called all kinds of names, received nasty text messages, I've been (shoved, knocked down, thrown down and pinned down in such away his forearm was on my throat). This is where I struggle because I feel it is my fault. Maybe if I didn't get back up he wouldn't of felt threatened *as he said* and knocked me back down. Or maybe if I didn't yell back he wouldn't have snapped. It was like a scene out of a horror movie. Like the man behind those eyes vanished and in place was this dark rage. The physical part of the marriage wasn't daily. Wasn't weekly. It was just off and on for 3.5 years.

For some reason I can't shake the feeling that maybe I deserved this. Perhaps If did something different, or did what was asked of me, perhaps didn't yell back? Or gave him more attention *he hated that I'm quiet.* That maybe this wouldn't have happened if I acted differently? It's like everything I did was wrong. I always messed up. Always forgot to do something. He would pick me apart in front of my family especially towards the end. It came to the point I was afraid to upset him. Like I was walking on egg shells. Every fight physical or verbal was some how my fault. I made him act this way. Sometimes he would deny what was said, down play what happened and had me to the point I thought I was going crazy.

If I had to be at work super early especially because I was going to be away on business for a week or two. He would start a fight. Often calling me several filthy names. The fights would last all night. I often wouldn't get rest before I had to be in. Even if I tried to sleep in the spare room. He would barge in and curse at me. Or I would stay in the dark, staring at the door listening for his foot steps. Scared of what could happen.

He accused me of cheating because I forgot to lock the front door once. Said I must have been in a hurry to go see him *whoever this him is. I still don't know* Then again because he came home early as I was getting ready to leave. It was unexpected and he slammed the door as he was running in *bathroom emergency lol*. I went to shut the door of the room i was in due to not knowing what that noise was. He saw this and later accused me of cheating. Even though he knows no one was in the house.

I don't drink but he did and prefer to stay away from it. His drinking became the topic of a few disagreements. He thinks he handles himself well. I think he turns into a jerk.

He hated or didn't trust most the people I called friends. I never went out because I was always worried how he would act. I stopped even trying to make friends. Which sucks now as we recently moved to a different state due to work and I don't have any actual friends.

Now for the big S. I came to the point I was not even slightly interested in sex. He would beg for it, then get mad when I would say no. He never forced it. Just guilt tripped me into it. This I believe led to the divorce. While I was away on business I received a text asking for a divorce. Apart of the reason was because I cannot give him what he needs and he doesn't want to stress over it anymore. When I got home I found stuff that led me to believe he cheated. I didn't confront him on this. He still doesn't know that I know. I figure that there isn't a point in letting him know I knew what he did and know with who *his new love of his life*.

The divorce went without issue and processed quickly. I've been divorced for a couple months now.

I still find myself upset. I've had bad dreams involving me running down the street screaming for help. I mean, really. even the smallest thing can trigger me. Which makes me feel weak. I should be stronger then this. But I am not.

I really really really don't want to be around any social events involving alcohol. I almost had to attend a work function where alcohol would be present. I've sent the last 2 weeks thinking of how to get myself out of it. Finally succeeded today in finding my way out. The stress and anxiety of me attending this event was becoming overwhelming.

People that I am getting to know are aware of the divorce and are always trying to get me to go out. Even though I want to go I always say no for some reason. It's like I'm scared. Sometimes I don't think they want me around, like its a pity thing. I mean, who would want me around?

I know they will grow tired and give up.

I feel confused. I really don't want another relationship, ever! I feel pathetic because I'm having a hard time moving on. And I feel even worse because I let this go on much longer than it should have. I feel weak. I feel like this is and will be my life forever. I was born into a world of fighting and name calling either against the people in my childhood life or against me. Then I grow up. I swore to myself I will never live like that again. Then I find myself in a painful relationship. I don't know what I missed and I'm scared this pattern will forever be my life.

He went back to Mr. Nice and sweet guy that I new before the marriage. Which hurts me even more.

I'm safe now. He is forever gone out of my life. Yet I feel trapped still. How do I move on? How do I make sure this never happens again? How do I get in control of my life? How much longer does this hurt? shouldn't I be happy that I'm finally free? Why doesn't it feel like I'm free when I know I am?

[Trippin2.0]

Have you thought of finding a therapist to help you work through the trauma of your marriage and to help you discover the answer to your what now question?


If not I would strongly suggest it.


My story is a bit different, I only realized how scarred I was when my current bf and I started dating. Only then did I realize my ex bf had actually traumatized me.


Therapy has helped me untangle and clean up the debris of my past relationship, and I can only thank God I didn't marry him, even though he begged me to so many times. I could've ended up dead.


Anyway, this is not about me, its about you, and I just want you to know that it takes time, sometimes it takes a whole lot of time.


The nicest thing I did for myself after we split up was to reacquaint myself with me.


I lost so much during that relationship, friends, jobs, etc, that I didn't recognize myself. So I made a point of finding me. I started off by listening to music I like, instead of music he preferred.


Maybe that could be a starting point for you too, get reacquainted with yourself...

[The_eagle]

I have thought about it. I'm strongly considered it but have not taken action on seeking therapy yet. I always worry about what I say getting back and effecting my career. Even though I've been told it won't. I guess it goes back to a lack of trust lol.

It's kind of funny you mentioned music. That is the first thing I did to. Started listening to music more as when I tried to during the marriage he would turn it down or off.

[JJBX]

To me, it sounds like you definitely need to take some time to work on yourself. I worry about people to minimize their own experiences because someone els somewhere had it worse. Someone always has it worse, but that doesn't mean you had a healthy marriage. It sounds like a pretty classic case of emotional blackmail/abuse. I mean, it doesn't shock me AT ALL that you lost interest in sex. It's hard to want to be intimate with/vulnerable around someone who is abusive toward you. I think it would be a great idea, like Trippin said, to do some therapy to build up your confidence and work through these nightmares you're experiencing.

[The_eagle]

I'm still trying to figure this site out. Hopefully I hit the right button.

I listen to a lot of music. Music says what I cannot. The louder the better as well. He didn't let me listen to my music how I wanted to. If I tried to play it on the speakers I was told I'm being weird and this isn't normal for me. Thing is it was normal, I just didn't do it often because he would turn it down or off which annoyed me. He wasn't being nasty, just isn't into music. So to avoid the weirdness I simply stopped listening to it when he was around. And he was always around me like we were attached to the hips.

I have thought about counseling however im finding it hard to pick up the phone and schedule a appointment. Part of me worries about if it would have a effect on my career if found out. Then there is other fears I have. Maybe all unfounded.

As for down playing, your probably right. I just don't feel I should complain when I know others had it worse. I know some would look at me and think, pfft. ''Weak.'' ''I wish I had it that easy.'' i don't know. Maybe it just makes it easier to deal with?

Thank you both for your replies.

[Trippin2.0]

If its ok to believe or think that "I have no right to complain because others have it worse", then it should be perfectly ok to think or believe "I'm not allowed to be happy because others have it so much better"


Neither thought process is helpful or healthy to anyone.


You had a shyyti marriage, allow yourself to acknowledge that and to feel shytti about it.


Its perfectly ok.


On a side note, I was strongly anti therapy since forever. I finally decided to start last year (desperate times call for desperate measures, seriously I was willing to eat toilet paper if someone said it would help) and honestly?


It's been one of the nicest gifts I've given to myself. Not only has it helped me greatly, but its testament to the fact that I'm actively taking care of me. And that's a beautiful thing, because I deserve to be taken care of.


You deserve it too

[The_eagle]

You got me there. That gave me a lot to think about. Thank you.