Was this immature?

Hi All,

I had an email exchange with my son's hockey coach over the weekend over the fact that he's been yelling at the kids a lot, in particular during the games. I was just trying to bring it to his attention because my 9yo son had been expressing negative feelings over hockey (which is his LIFE) and had referred to the coach's yelling as a reason. I tried to be as non-confrontational as possible in my email, cushioned what I was trying to say, said I thought he was an excellent coach regardless, and mentioned that I empathized with him that there is a lot of stress in his life right now (his own son is having emotional issues). Anyway, he was very defensive and arguably condescending in his response to me, and he also implied that my son was misperceiving appropriately loud coaching as yelling. I felt hurt because we've known each other a few years and are friends, if not very close friends. Of course, this is not the first time we've clashed - For some reason, although we're friendly with one another and I believe have warm feelings toward each other, we sometimes rub each other the wrong way. It's confusing!

My husband, who is one of the coach's assistants, spoke to the coach two nights later and said HE thinks the yelling is a problem, too, and that the coach is taking his personal frustrations out on the kids. According to my husband, the coach was very contrite toward him and said it was true and it was "all on him." However, when he talked to my son, he still told my kid that he wasn't yelling (so invalidating my son's perceptions), and he never said anything remotely conciliatory to me.

So I wrote to him night before last and just said you know, I still really sympathize with you about the trouble with your son, and I still think you're an excellent coach, but I feel hurt about the way your responded to me a few days ago. I told him I just needed to get it off my chest and didn't expect him to say anything (although I suppose he would feel he had to anyway). Well, he wrote back another very defensive and irritated email. I wrote back and said that I didn't need him to explain and that I was sorry he was having such a rough time. However, I also pointed out that he was still being defensive and had made his response all about HIM when *I* was the one who had written to say that I felt HURT! I said I thought it would have been better to just say he was sorry I felt bad rather than try to explain away my feelings. He wrote back and said "fair enough" and said he didn't mean to make me feel bad, which was good I guess, but I can't say I feel a WHOLE lot better.

When I told my husband I'd written back to the coach and said I'd felt hurt and then complained about the coach trying to explain away my feelings, my husband said it sounded "high-schoolish" and he didn't know why I bothered given that the coach is clearly unable to acknowledge the reality of his behavior and swallow his pride. Do you think I was immature? Just being a pain? Maybe I'm overly sensitive. I have an extremely difficult time holding back how I feel.

Thanks for any feedback you can offer.

The coach sounds unpleasant,
I doubt that being vile tempered and yelling is doing his own lad much good either. Perhaps his obstructive attitude is why his son has emotional problems!

Yes, he does sound unpleasant, but oddly, he has a VERY pleasant persona other than when he's on the ice or coaching from the bench. Again, it's confusing. And yes, his own issues are definitely not helping his poor son's problems. I feel terrible for his son.

I've had a similar experience with my daughter's after I quit coaching them and we ended up changing team at the end of the season and taking a break all together for one season. It's discouraging for everyone.

As a former coach (although, I coached girls), and now a parent watching others coach my daughter's, there are so many coaching styles. Some coaches are very passionate about the game and are intense when coaching, others are laid back. I've watched practices where coaches yell all practice but during a game, they don't say one word. I myself tried to keep everything positive and fun (it has it's upsides and downsides in doing it that way). Maybe if there is an another parent that shares your view point, or another asst coach, (other than your husband-he may think you both are ganging up on him), I would almost suggest a male parent since he is a male coach; Maybe they could speak with him over a beer/drink after a game/practice. He may not be as defensive in a casual setting (face to face with another male watching a sports game) and take a look at himself and his style of coaching and find an inbetween that satisfies everyone. I coached with another man, but we both had the same coaching styles as far as being positive and upbeat with the girls. We had our differences and valued each other's opinion in doing something differently, because in the end we were coaching for the kids benefits, not ourselves. Best of luck with it.

Sounds mature and reasonable to me - I do wonder though if email was the best way - I wonder if an email asking to meet him to discuss a concern that you have might have been better. He was contrite enough to your husband face-to-face - I think he might have been more constructive had you personally engaged him.

This might be more of a reflection of my status as a dinosaur, but I believe it might have been better to approach him face-to-face rather than by e-mail. So much can/does get lost or miscommunicated in words on a screen. At this point, I think I'd find a way to let it go and not address it with him anymore. You told him how you felt about him yelling. You told him how you felt about his response to you. Seems to me the two of you will just keep going 'round if you bring it up again.

As for him yelling at the kids and your son's reaction. As someone else said, there are tons of different coaching styles. Yelling might not be effective with your son. Is there another team with a different coach that he could join?

I agree that you were right to speak. I think it would have been better to leave his own son out of it and also not to say that he was taking out his personal frustrations on the kids.

I agree with those who say that a different coach would be better for your son.

I think I know why his son is having emotional issues...
I do think you should have just let it be, and not responded so many times concerning the drama if the coach had already refused to apologize. Asking someone to be sorry doesn't mean they are.

If the yelling is really a problem, maybe you can find another team or another coach for your son. If you can't do that, then talk to your son about not taking the coach's yelling personally. Not much else can be done, it seems.

I think it was appropriate to initiate with the coach, but agree that face to face would have probably been the best way to go and gotten you better results. I would have left out the part about the coach's son since the whole point of contacting him was to discuss *your* boy. I think emailing him back about your being hurt was not a good move. But, what's done is done. If you had confronted him in person about his email, maybe it would have been a better interaction. I agree with everyone else about choosing a different coach if you can. I hope things get better, kids should be able to have fun doing what they love without being balked at.

I don't think your email was immature, but I agree that a face-to-face would have been more effective at communicating your message.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that anything you or your husband says at this point is going to make him change his behavior. If you, as an adult, have so much trouble getting through to this guy, what chance does a nine year old have?

Thank you to everyone who provided feedback to me. I do believe face-to-face would have been a better option. I only see the coach once a week at games so I felt compelled to email instead - it felt time-sensitive. But I think the whole thing was pointless - I know how stubborn this guy is. And as my husband said to me, he's more receptive to men than women. I don't know why I continue to think he's a nice person when all of my serious interactions with him have been so upsetting. All of the chit-chat and social interactions with him are pleasant, but he can't accept constructive feedback that is even cushioned with positive feedback. It is what it is. My husband is part of the coaching staff though, so I don't see us changing teams, and my son loves his teammates. I just have to accept the situation and not let it aggravate me. Thanks again.

'can't accept constructive feedback that is even cushioned with positive feedback', some people are funny like that.

ManofConstantSorrow, I hope I was able to accept the constructive feedback *I* received! Lol! As I said, I really do believe face to face would have been better.