[sinking]

You'll probably say i just dont love him or dont love him enough and you could be right... maybe thats what i need to hear even if i dont want to hear that... i only know i have to get this out, so here it goes:

my boyfriend and i have been together for almost 3 months but we've been friends and had a short romantic relationship 10+years ago. we decided to give it a second try. i've always thought he is the best guy i could ever find and still think i want a future and a family with him.

the problem is he is needy and clingy and i feel smothered and trapped and i resent and despise his neediness. i need more space and he needs more affection, more effusions, more emotional and physical intimacy. i dont seem to be able to give him enough of that. we have talked about this and tried to find a compromise but thats not all:

i have to force myself to be romantic with him and i can barely stand his holding hands, his hugs and his kisses. and i almost completely have to act with more intimate actions (sex but especially foreplay) because i dont feel much the physical desire. its as if i have to wear a mask which is very tiring so it cant happen too often. essentially, the only physical thing i enjoy from him are his nonsexual caresses. (note though that he has been the first and only one i have had sex with - this must mean something, right?)

the only things i cant fake is happiness/enthusiasm when i see him (i feel it like a duty) and the desire to spend all my time with him (i NEED my alone time more than time with him). and thats what he's starting to complain about. we're on the breaking point and i dont know what to think/do.

yes, i've been ruthless and i see its easy to wonder why the heck am i staying with him and doing this to him, but i dont think its personal, at least for the physical part. i've never felt much physical attraction and i think he truly is a wonderful person and i love him. i dont feel in love but i surely love him.

i am in my 30s and never had a serious (meaning i see and want a future with him) relationship before. only very few and superficial experiences (where i didnt enjoy romantic effusions and physical intimacy much either). am i only inexperienced or just made this (wrong and abnormal) way?

any comment or suggestion? not that i deserve it but any help/input will be greatly appreciated.
thanks

Originally Posted by sinking

i've never felt much physical attraction and i think he truly is a wonderful person and i love him. i dont feel in love but i surely love him.

Then do the guy a favor and tell him that you love him but are not in love with him. That you're never going to be able to give him the closeness he needs and deserves and cut him loose so he can find it somewhere else.

You may find down the road it was the worst mistake you ever made, but don't lead him on if it's just not there for you. You might develop those feelings in time, but if not by now, when? You can barely stand to hold his hand.

I'm far from an expert on healthy relationships though, so you can take or leave my advise as you see fit, but I have had my share and more of failed relationships and this seems like one in the making to me.

[divine1966]

Honestly I have hard time understanding why would you date someone you can't stand touching even as simple as holding his hands? Relationships are hard even when you are in love and want to hold his hand 24/7! But if not then what's the point? Especially if he feels differently!

And it is not just lack of desire. You said you don't even want to spend time with him that much.

Please just find the way to break up with him so he has another chance

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[FrustratedFiancee]

You should break up with him. Despite what your intentions may be you two will never be happy together because of major differences in what you both need. It will only get harder to do as you spend more time together so do it now before it becomes a bigger heartbreak. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

I understand what you're saying. I think you needed to put it into words (it does help)

I don't think you are abnormal. His is simply not the type of dominant personality that you are attracted to.

[~Christina]

I agree with everyone , you do need to end this, It's not fair to him. Love him enough to let him find someone that wants the kind of relationship he can offer.

Maybe you could see a Therapist... someone to just talk about your life and what you may or may not be looking for in a relationship.

[sinking]

Thank you all, i guess i really needed to hear it from someone else.

the shame is that it wasnt like this when we were friends or at the beginning of the relationship. i did feel (mild) attraction and desire to be with him. it all changed when he started to become (too) needy and giving me too much responsibility for his happiness. being needed scares and repluses me. i hate it with all my soul (because of past negative experiences).

we did talk about his neediness scaring me and pushing me away, i tried to make him see he could suffer from love addiction but he said he is happy and proud of being needy. eww

i was wondering if theres a way i can go back to feeling like i did before. now, when i put on the mask, i can enjoy intimacy pretty much but i have to wear the mask before. does "fake it till you feel it" really work? im not sure im really ready to give up.
Thanks

[divine1966]

How can you fake attraction desire love? And why? What for? I would be mortified if a man was faking it with me.

Also i think since you aren't on love and don't want him and aren't into him you see him as needy. What you describe is just a guy in love. If you were in love you would not see him as needy. Wanting to be with someone isn't neediness but is normal. Since you never been in serious relationship how would you know?

Please for real make decision. I would have no respect for a man who would feel the way you feel about this guy and still continue seeing me

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[hvert]

His unwillingness to work with you with regard to his neediness tells you what you need to know - he does not care enough about your feelings and needs to modify his own. Don't feel bad about ending this.

[divine1966]

I am not sure why he needs to adjust his feelings. She feels repulsed to even hold his hand yet he needs to adjust his feelings? doesn't seem fair.

If somebody is not into me I shouldn't be expected to adjust my feelings. Common decency would be for a man to not date me if he isn't feeling it, and let me go so we both have a chance to find happiness rather than waste our time.

I wonder if roles were reversed and this was a guy posting, women would tell him to not string poor girl along. But since it is a woman, who strings the guy along, somehow it is ok.

Wanting to spend time with ones girlfriend and wanting intimacy doesn't mean one is clingy or needy. It is rather normal


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[sinking]

Thank you for your comments.

yes, since i dont feel in love with him, it could be i see his normal desire to be with me as being too needy. i didnt think about that.

i've come to think it all spins around this: he being (or me perceiving him as) too needy. he and his gestures of love dont repluse me for themselves but for what they mean to me: need, possessiveness, and giving me too much responsibility for his own happiness.

i've learned the hard way how these things can scar forever, how much they can hurt, how they can lead to living hell and as soon as i see signs that could lead there i panic and pull away. feel mad and disgusted.

today, after we had a good long chat yesterday night and i expressed my fears about his neediness, he behaved differently. i could sense his neediness gone, and i felt differently about him. more like i used to feel at the beginning of the relationship and it felt GOOD. i hope this is the key, a turning point that will bring us closer and i'll end up letting myself feeling in love with him. maybe i've just been too scared. i hope so.

i know this is not what you all suggested me to do, but thank you for your opinions.

[divine1966]

Well hopefully it works for you both. But dynamic is unhealthy. I dated this guy who was not that into me, he insisted I was being needy ( I was not. And never was). When I dumped him he said yeah every woman leaves me because I am just so unavailable for them and am so self absorbed (lol he actually said that) . No kidding! Of course they all dumped you for the same reason I did! Gee...

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Originally Posted by sinking

today, after we had a good long chat yesterday night and i expressed my fears about his neediness, he behaved differently. i could sense his neediness gone, and i felt differently about him. more like i used to feel at the beginning of the relationship and it felt GOOD.

Good luck with that, but I doubt it. Secretly, he was probably crushed to find out the woman he loves so much doesn't feel the same way about him. He just didn't show it.

Whenever a woman has told he she needed her space it usually meant the relationship was over. I was in a similar situation with a girl I deeply loved and had dated on and off for years, but eventually told me I was "too nice".

I never could figure out what that meant, but maybe I was too needy, and she just didn't feel the same way. The last time we broke up I finally told her we couldn't be friends anymore and cut all contact with her for my own sake.

If you drag it out or string him along chances are he'll pull away, leaving you with nothing.