I like this guy. The reason I don't want to is because I've basically pushed aside the idea of a relationship, and it's because my relationships have been dysfunctional--both (yes, I've had two in my adult life) ended in me being hospitalized because I overdosed. That was a while ago. My last relationship was 6 years ago. I've dated here and there, but nothing has stuck probably because I'm closed off and because they just aren't interested. The other reason I don't want to have a crush is because it seems that every time I am totally smitten with a man, he is not interested in me. It never fails: I get butterflies. I think about him. I can't stop thinking about him. I get optimistic, I feel encouraged (by something he put forth), and then *BAM* he has a girlfriend or he actually tells me he's not interested. So I decided to put dating out of my mind to focus on a career and some other goals that don't involve dating, marriage, a family.

Ugh, but this guy... if there were still a single man my age left in my conservative town who was a match for my liberal, quirky sensibilities, he'd be it. And he's so nerdy cute. My favorite.

He's my stylist. As in he cuts my hair (yes, I'm 100% sure he's straight). I've actually only met him 3 times. I was smitten after the first time but figured it was just the stupid head massage they all give you, and the way they all compliment you to keep you coming back. But after this last time, we seem to have clicked--we actually have some pretty interesting things in common. And he is a musician, and had a record release that particular week. He invited me to it (I couldn't go), so he wrote down some links for his music for me to check out. I checked out the link to his album, and was floored when I read what the album was about. I don't really want to say what it was about here (It's not my story to tell, and I don't want the slight chance of anyone recognizing the story either) but I will say that it was an incredibly similar (traumatic) experience to one that I have had, and some of the music had me in tears. I emailed him and told him how the music and lyrics affected me, he replied (it was a good reply)... and that was that. Which is fine, because I didn't take it further. Should I have? I don't know. I didn't feel that there was much else to say. The sad thing is that I have plenty more to say--I want to know so much more about him. Far more than I can get to know in an hour every 8 weeks. But I don't feel that I can ask him out (absolutely not), and I don't know if he'll ask me out.

I don't actually know if I have a question, here. I have just been trying really hard to push this away and out of my mind, because I don't want it to go the same way it always seems to go, you know? And I feel like I'm beating myself up because I allowed myself to have feelings for someone I keep thinking "How could he like you? He's so much cooler than you are." (he kind of is) and "People didn't like you before, and you're so much fatter now. How will they like you now?" (I gained 60lbs in the last two years ) The negative talk is just so bad. I'm trying to stop it, but it's just there. And that's another problem: even if he happened to be interested in me, how could I get to know this guy, someone who has been through similar experiences to me, with this stuff swimming around in my mind? That isn't fair to him.

Anyway. I needed to get that out of my head. It's been making me a little batty.

[Ruftin]

Well misskeena, perhaps he may just invite you out again and you can make yourself available. Every good relationship starts with a good friendship as its foundation and it seem as though you have already started one. You have his email, shoot him a quick hello every now and then, maybe buy his album, that way you have something to talk about. Best wishes!!!

Originally Posted by Ruftin

Well misskeena, perhaps he may just invite you out again and you can make yourself available. Every good relationship starts with a good friendship as its foundation and it seem as though you have already started one. You have his email, shoot him a quick hello every now and then, maybe buy his album, that way you have something to talk about. Best wishes!!!

Already bought it. I should have made myself available the first time, but I'd committed to a work friend's birthday party and I never want to be "that" girl, the one who runs out on commitments with her friends (no matter how close they are to me) because there might be the prospect of a guy paying attention to me. I mean, what quality guy would respect a girl who did that anyway?

I feel like, after our little connection over email, we'll have some things to talk about the next time we see each other. I know he'll have some further questions for me, and I'm planning on saying something like, "I really want to talk about this, but I just wish we had more time than just a 45 minute hair appointment!" or "I'm so curious now to know more about you, I'm sad that we only get to talk for this short time every 8 weeks." Maybe he'll get the hint and invite me for coffee or something? Maybe he'll get the hint and not want to do anything about it? Maybe it'll fly right over his head? I don't know. But that's about as bold as I dare get .

As I may have mentioned in my original post, I'm having some self-image issues at the moment due to gaining weight blah blah, whatever, everyone has issues. The fear of rejection is just really keeping me from venturing too far with this. But I'm trying. I really miss dating, and I really want to get to know this guy, even if it's just as a friend for right now.

[divine1966]

First of all I think you are just totally awesome. And you are totally somebody a nice guy would want to talk to (as a friend of more). I would totally send him an email something about album you bought etc and I would totally give him hints about spending time together. I understand body image issue. But weight is just that: weight. Doesn't define you

Now let me tell you about 16 years ago I really liked this guy and I took my chances and wrote him a note. I wrote my phone number and said that I'd like him to call me. He did and we attempted to date. But we weren't clicking as a couple so it never went anywhere ( I kind of liked him more than he liked me and he was way younger than me) but we remained friends. We talk every now and then and sometimes do favors for each other (he is a physician so I might have medical questions etc etc ) or sometimes we just check up on each other or support each other through hardships. It's been 16?years!

So you never know! If I didn't take my risk then we would never know each other as friends.

I am not saying ask
Him out but give him
Hints!



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[toolman65]

Make an excuse to see him. Ask him to autograph your album. Tell him you are thinking about a new hairstyle and want his opinion. Ask him if he is working on more music.

Smile. Eye contact. Get inside his space. Touch him. Laugh at his jokes.

He asked you out . He has stayed in contact. How much more of an invite do you need?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by toolman65

Make an excuse to see him. Ask him to autograph your album. Tell him you are thinking about a new hairstyle and want his opinion. Ask him if he is working on more music.

Smile. Eye contact. Get inside his space. Touch him. Laugh at his jokes.

He asked you out . He has stayed in contact. How much more of an invite do you need?

Excellent post. I didn't realize that he actually invited you to his event. I would definitely make an effort. And men are also scared of rejection!

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[Ruftin]

Originally Posted by toolman65

Make an excuse to see him. Ask him to autograph your album. Tell him you are thinking about a new hairstyle and want his opinion. Ask him if he is working on more music.

Smile. Eye contact. Get inside his space. Touch him. Laugh at his jokes.

He asked you out . He has stayed in contact. How much more of an invite do you need?

This is a man giving you advice!!! I'd take notes!!!!

Originally Posted by divine1966

First of all I think you are just totally awesome. And you are totally somebody a nice guy would want to talk to (as a friend of more). I would totally send him an email something about album you bought etc and I would totally give him hints about spending time together. I understand body image issue. But weight is just that: weight. Doesn't define you

Now let me tell you about 16 years ago I really liked this guy and I took my chances and wrote him a note. I wrote my phone number and said that I'd like him to call me. He did and we attempted to date. But we weren't clicking as a couple so it never went anywhere ( I kind of liked him more than he liked me and he was way younger than me) but we remained friends. We talk every now and then and sometimes do favors for each other (he is a physician so I might have medical questions etc etc ) or sometimes we just check up on each other or support each other through hardships. It's been 16?years!

So you never know! If I didn't take my risk then we would never know each other as friends.

I am not saying ask
Him out but give him
Hints!



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Hey, thanks for the kind words. That means a lot!

I did email him re: his album. I may as well elaborate...his mother suffered from severe mental illness and committed suicide a little over 3 years ago. I grew up with a mentally ill mother as well (mine is alive, but I haven't spoken to her since I was 15 and don't know exactly where she is). The songs were open, sometimes raw and some hit me right at the core because it was like, "Oh my God...YES. You get it. You've articulated exactly what it was like to grow up with an unstable parent." So I read the lyrics and couldn't listen to the music at first because...I wouldn't say it was triggering...but it brought a lot of feelings to the surface. And I basically told him what it meant to me, and how I identified with it. And he replied right away, thanked me for emailing, said it meant a lot, etc etc (I think as an artist, whether it be music or otherwise, you always want to know that your art touches someone in some way.)

Anyway, because we'd said all there was on that subject and don't know each other too well, I just left it at that and figured we'd talk more when I see him face to face. I have an appointment in 3 weeks. I mean, I get my hair cut every 8-10 weeks...it has also occurred to me that maybe he is just really good at his job of getting people to come back to sit in his chair and spend $$. He's really good at his craft (and as someone with crazy curly hair, I don't say that lightly) and he's not cheap, guys. So basically he's got me coming back and spending the $$ at this point.

Originally Posted by toolman65

Make an excuse to see him. Ask him to autograph your album. Tell him you are thinking about a new hairstyle and want his opinion. Ask him if he is working on more music.

Smile. Eye contact. Get inside his space. Touch him. Laugh at his jokes.

He asked you out . He has stayed in contact. How much more of an invite do you need?

I have an excuse to see him in that he cuts my crazy curly hair every 8 weeks. But I pay him, so I feel that this relationship is currently all in his favor (since I also bought his album--and it's digital so he can't autograph it).

Well, he hugs me every time I have an appointment so I've got the touching part down (but I think he does that with everyone...though I didn't see him do it with the girl who was there after me last time. I wasn't paying attention, tbh). I am the picture of friendly, smiling, and chatty when I'm sitting in that chair, let me tell ya. It occurred to me that I may be TOO much so. I don't want to irritate the ***** out of him while he's trying to work. I felt that way at first, but this last time, especially after I asked him about being a musician (SO GLAD my friend mentioned she'd heard of him, because I had no clue he was kind of known around town), we kind of hit more of a stride and had more of a rapport. Come to find out we loved the same bands in high school, come to find out we have similar past religious backgrounds, and on and on. I don't think we're totally each other's "type" but there is chemistry there, for sure. At least as far as easy, fun conversation goes.

I don't really think he asked me out, per se. I feel like I showed interest in his music, of course he's going to invite me to his release party happening in 2 days. I did like that he gave me all of those links when I said I couldn't go...but again, I see it as an artist promoting his art, not a guy interested in me as an individual person. Maybe I'm pushing away the possibility, but I'm prone to reading into things and I just don't want to, here. I don't want to be disappointed. Part of me doesn't want to lose a good stylist by embarrassing myself and stepping over boundaries (hey, they're hard to come by when you have crazy curly hair!) And part of me just doesn't want to be rejected.

Okay, so sorry to bump this back up but...

This is going to sound really silly, but I followed the guy on Instagram. He has a fair number of followers, so this shouldn't be a big deal, but it kind of was because I felt like I was crossing some sort of boundary. Anyway, within an hour or so he commented on a photo I posted from a month back that I look adorable. To be fair, the caption on the photo says that my hair is looking good because of good products and a good stylist (him), so it's not unusual and doesn't point to much. But I still got a little thrill nonetheless.

What disappointed me is that he didn't follow back, didn't "like" the photo. Now, I know that this sounds really adolescent and nit-picky, but I'm pretty clueless with men. I feel like if the guy was interested, he'd at least follow back (especially since I replied to his comment this morning which I know he saw because he posted another pic this afternoon). I feel like men don't over think things like women do.

Thoughts?

(I really wish I hadn't allowed myself to have feelings for this guy. I hate the buildup and letdown of liking someone who has no interest in you. Rather just not deal with it, period.)

[divine1966]

I am very bad in judging and understanding men I am awful so never listen to my advice.

I think maybe you should find courage and flat ask him out. If he rejects you unfortunately you have to switch hairs dressers but at least you'll know

But again what do I know....I am messed up when it comes to men

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Originally Posted by divine1966

I am very bad in judging and understanding men I am awful so never listen to my advice.

I think maybe you should find courage and flat ask him out. If he rejects you unfortunately you have to switch hairs dressers but at least you'll know

But again what do I know....I am messed up when it comes to men

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You're probably right, but I know I'll never get the courage (especially now) to ask him outright. The more I think about it, the more I feel that the non-follow is a pretty clearly drawn boundary line: Hey, you're cool and friendly, thanks for being interested in my music and work, I don't dislike you...but you're my client. You pay me to tell you you're adorable and that's all it is. We're not friends.

With my hair, finding another stylist as good as him is sooooo not an option, haha. I told a friend of mine (after my first visit, when I commented on how attractive he is and she suggested I ask him out) that having a good stylist for this mop of crazy curls is almost more important to me than sex. I was kidding...kind of.

Anyway, thanks for responding. Truth be told, I'm having a pretty crappy night. I feel down in the dumps, ugly, and really cruddy about myself (stupid BPD traits) and am having a difficult time talking myself out of it, because truly, it's just silliness. It's nice that someone is connecting with me a bit.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by misskeena

You're probably right, but I know I'll never get the courage (especially now) to ask him outright. The more I think about it, the more I feel that the non-follow is a pretty clearly drawn boundary line: Hey, you're cool and friendly, thanks for being interested in my music and work, I don't dislike you...but you're my client. You pay me to tell you you're adorable and that's all it is. We're not friends.


With my hair, finding another stylist as good as him is sooooo not an option, haha. I told a friend of mine (after my first visit, when I commented on how attractive he is and she suggested I ask him out) that having a good stylist for this mop of crazy curls is almost more important to me than sex. I was kidding...kind of.


Anyway, thanks for responding. Truth be told, I'm having a pretty crappy night. I feel down in the dumps, ugly, and really cruddy about myself (stupid BPD traits) and am having a difficult time talking myself out of it, because truly, it's just silliness. It's nice that someone is connecting with me a bit.

Sorry you are in a dumps I can relate as I am as well. Hugs and you not alone in
This

My issue might be different but it sucks nonetheless. I don't know if you see a t. Might be helpful. I am good on advising on various aspects but not men as clearly I don't know what I am talking about half the time. I am perpetually attracted to men who are unavailable, it is one after another. They are clones of each other. lol

So whatever I advice you should do the opposite.

I wish you lived closer we could hang out ( I am older but I promise I am not matronly lol lol)

Hugs and you are intelligent beautiful person!!!!

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Originally Posted by divine1966

My issue might be different but it sucks nonetheless. I don't know if you see a t. Might be helpful.
Hugs and you are intelligent beautiful person!!!!

(I was going to include more of your quote but accidentally erased it )

I am planning on getting connected with a T again simply because of my life circumstances, with the stress and being so busy, not getting enough sleep, not having a ton of support. Given my history, it's a recipe for disaster and I'm already feeling the ship start to sink a little, if you will.

I'd hang out with you if you lived closer.

I think I'm a pretty decent person too...just wish the guys I allow myself to be interested in saw it as well. I think all they see is that I'm not the classic definition of beautiful (I've actually been told that more than once) and, more than that, I'm kind of "big." *shrug* Nothing I can do about it. Even at my thinnest I was "big" to some people.

[toolman65]

The most you will get out of life is what you ask for.

Talk to him. In person. You either hit it off or you stay as his client. Wouldn't finding the truth of your situation feel better than playing the "what if" game?

You have already decided that he will reject you, so what have you got to lose?

And if he does reject you, so what? It frees you to find the man you are meant to be with.

Originally Posted by toolman65

The most you will get out of life is what you ask for.

Talk to him. In person. You either hit it off or you stay as his client. Wouldn't finding the truth of your situation feel better than playing the "what if" game?

You have already decided that he will reject you, so what have you got to lose?

And if he does reject you, so what? It frees you to find the man you are meant to be with.

I have an appointment in 3 weeks. We'll see what happens.

I was just talking to a friend about 5 minutes ago, and she determined that we are just not each other's type, style-wise. She said he may think I'm too "mainstream." Meh. We're in our mid-thirties, not our mid-twenties. If you click with someone you think is kinda cute then who cares if they don't fit your "scene?" If that's the only reason, then that's his stupid loss.

[divine1966]

I agree. Values have to be similar but nothing else matters.

Trust me Beaty means nothing in finding the right person, neither does size

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My observation from what you've written is that this is bringing the fear of rejection to the fore with you and that is what is uncomfortable rather than the crush itself.

Could you try separating the feelings, and just enjoy the crush for what it is (a nice feeling for an intriguing person)? I think we all get crushes sometimes, even if nothing comes of it, it's part of being alive.

You sound like an interesting thoughtful person, even if it turns out he isn't into you in that way (not that I'm saying he isn't) there will be plenty guys who would be.

[avlady]

i am happy you stayed in touch with this guy, he is probably just very busy and din't get around to your post. i wouldn't give up, but don't make a groupie of his!!just joking. he may be interested in you , you won't know until you try, i see no problem with a woman asking a man if he's interested in you, just so you know and don't waste time on him if he's not, but it seems like he maybe is.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I agree. Values have to be similar but nothing else matters.

Trust me Beaty means nothing in finding the right person, neither does size

Eh...in theory that's true but in practice not so much unfortunately. For example, most of the guys I'm really interested in on dating sites are stylistically more "artsy" than I am (I've never, ever fit into one category or clique, even in high school). I've been told I'm too mainstream, too "basic," etc. But then I've been told I'm too much of a hipster for other people, lol. I'm so not a hipster, not that it matters, but I'm not. This guy is--I get the feeling he's of the camp who finds me a little too basic. Which, if that's the case, eff him. We're 35 not 25.

Originally Posted by prefabsprout

My observation from what you've written is that this is bringing the fear of rejection to the fore with you and that is what is uncomfortable rather than the crush itself.

Could you try separating the feelings, and just enjoy the crush for what it is (a nice feeling for an intriguing person)? I think we all get crushes sometimes, even if nothing comes of it, it's part of being alive.

You sound like an interesting thoughtful person, even if it turns out he isn't into you in that way (not that I'm saying he isn't) there will be plenty guys who would be.

You are mostly right; I'm more upset that I let my guard down and allowed myself to hope that someone attractive and interesting would be interested in me when, statistically, they never are. (That's not negativity, it's just fact. And I do actually put myself out there more often than you'd think.) I know, given my past history with completely falling apart and nearly ruining my life when a relationship fell apart or sliding into a deep hole when I feel rejected by a guy, that it's really just better for me not to get involved. As I said above, statistically they are not interested back. I'm kind of too old to be interested in someone just for fun; I mean, come on...all of my friends got married and had multiple children. Some have been divorced and remarried. When is it my turn...to just freaking have a nice, smart, attractive guy who wants to take me out more than twice before he gets tired of me?

Normally, I think I'm interesting, thoughtful, cool, smart, reasonably attractive (I'm not ugly, at least)...but the fact that, literally, zero men pay attention to me for real, that I've not had a real relationship in 6 years, or even a date in 2 years even though I've put myself out there definitely cuts my self esteem down. A lot.

And no, I'm not this big a worry wart on a date. Or even out loud...to anyone other than my closest friends.

Anyway, thanks everyone for replying. I don't want to be a giant pain, and I'm honestly not trying to shoot everyone down. It is so silly, the Instagram thing, but I really feel like there was a clear boundary drawn and it sucks. Like, let's take how I feel out of it and just say we're two people who happen to have some commonalities and so I email him about his music after he introduces me to it, then a month and a half later follow him on Instagram (which he has linked to his webpage which he wrote down for me) where he basically gives the "Thanks but no thanks" vibe. If I weren't interested in him, it would feel a little snobby. Sorry dude that I annoyed you with my friendship, heh.

Now I'm all annoyed. I need a snack.

Originally Posted by misskeena

Anyway, thanks everyone for replying. I don't want to be a giant pain, and I'm honestly not trying to shoot everyone down. It is so silly, the Instagram thing, but I really feel like there was a clear boundary drawn and it sucks. Like, let's take how I feel out of it and just say we're two people who happen to have some commonalities and so I email him about his music after he introduces me to it, then a month and a half later follow him on Instagram (which he has linked to his webpage which he wrote down for me) where he basically gives the "Thanks but no thanks" vibe. If I weren't interested in him, it would feel a little snobby. Sorry dude that I annoyed you with my friendship, heh.

Now I'm all annoyed. I need a snack.

That's okay, not feeling shot down at all. These are your feelings, no one else can really know about that, hope that it's helped to write it down and work through it.

[divine1966]

Keep sharing that is what PC is for

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