[muse]

I just feel so stupid and lame. I was literally a pixel or two away from typing " I need to talk to you" over AIM to my boyfriend, and instead I hope he catches the hint in "there's a lot rolling around in my head that doesn't seem worth saying (or sayable)", a quick joke to distract him from that (because I'm afraid), and finally cutting off all chances with a normal "I love you, sleep well". I just want to let it out to somebody I know, someone who might hold me and let me hold onto them for a little while. I don't even think it would help at all, it'd just be such a big step for me, and maybe a little relief.

I just want everything to stop 'till I'm ready to get back on this big fat freaking ride. Totally typical and lame, I know, but I need to rant for a while. Thanks, guys.

always,
~muse

[Maven]

I've felt like that often, needing to be held, loved, and not judged. It's not lame to want everything to stop and just let you relax for a while. I feel that way sometimes, too, and so do a lot of people. Don't beat yourself up for wanting freedom from pain.

((((((((Muse)))))))) It's okay to ask for help. Give him the chance to be there for you.

[muse]

Thanks so much, both of you.

Ugh. I was confronted this yesterday by a girlfriend about my work habits, led to me admitting I had ADD, and she brushed it off and went on to tell me how I should do things to improve and be able to get my work done so I can take Madrigals next year (I'd be taking eight classes instead of the alotted seven, one online). It was pretty painful, especially because she was right (about my work habits... despite what she says I literally CANNOT take eight classes for several reasons), she talked about it like it was SO easy, and probably won't get off my back about "trying to help me" now. I appreciate the fact that she cares, and I know she's right, I know I should be working now instead of being online, I %#@&#! GET IT ALREADY, and yes I know she's been through this "phase" before, she has serious ADD and other stuff so she DOES know how hard it is, but... just... it HURTS to get talked to that way. I know I should be able to deal with criticism like that, but I hate it when I feel like %#@&#! and have no excuse to feel that way. Nothing to allow me to cry and make the crying okay, no reason for anybody to just say, "It's okay, it's not your fault," because it IS. It's still MY unwillingness, my... whatever. My laziness, and I can't even say, "I'm lazy and that's why," because EVERYBODY is lazy to some degree so it's not an excuse. Maybe this is why I feel like I'd rather be messed up.

Not exactly how I wanted to "admit" to having problems. I'm just glad I can keep my mouth shut and will never tell her any of this.

I am SO SO SORRY again for the rant, and thank you both for all your kind words!!
~muse

(lol, I just hijacked my own thread! XD)

If she went on to tell you what she thought would help you with your work habits-then no, she didn't brush you off. You brought it up when she said something about your work habits so I guess she figured you wanted/were looking for advice about it since she probably knows that you know she had ADD too.
I don't think she criticized you, muze. She was just giving advice on a subject she's very familiar with and she obviously has great faith in your abilities since she seems to believe you can do the 8 classes. She has more belief in you then you do in yourself.
If you wanted her to lend a shoulder to cry on about ADD perhaps mentioning it only when she said something about your work habits wasn't such a good idea. Try again talking to her about it when the two of you aren't talking about work habits or classes.
That's what friends do, they help each other. If she needed to make money to buy something very important to her but you saw her blowing her money on stupid things, as a friend you'd say something to her because you care about her and want her to achieve buying the very important thing she REALLY wants to buy.
Don't be mad at your friend. She just cares about you.
Give her hugs and say "thanks for looking out for me".
(((((((Muse))))))))

[January]

((((((((( Muse )))))))))))

Tell your well meaning friend that you prefer to study alone, in your own way. That's not putting her down and it will get her out of your hair.

Also, please realize that everyone in this world needs to be loved and held. It's part of being human.

Hugs,

Jan

[muse]

You guys are wonderful. Thank you all so much for the advice and the hugs.

Jax, I totally agree with you... which is one of the reasons I feel so horrible about the whole thing; that's a lot to swallow, dumb as it is to say that. I didn't want to talk to her about any of this, and I didn't try to seek sympathy from her, though. But meh, doesn't matter; she's right, so are you. I guess it just seemed kinda... I dunno... upsetting, I guess, when I started to cry and she kept at it. I'm not really giving her enough credit, though, 'cause she really was trying to help me.

I wish I could just accept that as it is, though, instead of feeling worse. Weird.