[tearsinabottle]

What do you think of friends or family members who make suggested appointments for you without your presence or agreement there and then?

A friend of my sister have started to call me few times after my sister moved many miles away from him and me. He called me again to babble on ( mania that repeats itself ) about my sisters problems and a bit later told me my sister had suggested that I could visit him on this holy day.

Just to say I like and love my sister and I also like her friend which I also see as my friend. All of us know that each of us struggle with depression and mania, each of us having different way how we struggle. I struggle a lot (again )with my mental capability these days, then I dont shower for three days, I just go around in my pyjamas and are mentally tired and dont want to go out of my flat if I dont have to.

And this is ok and this friend did understand. My sister too understand. Me and my sister come from same background so we know how bad it is to not be able to want to do something.

But isnt it rude to suggest for others you can visit them without even asking "you" first? The friend said it got so empty after my sister moved and I truly do understand that, but I am not being able ( neither do I want to ) to become a replacement. I like him ( as my friend ) but my mental capability is not there and its also different how you go together with people when alone with them. I have never been alone with my sisters friend yet though. When we all three have been together we go good together and I relax then. I dont really do that now when feeling I have to be in my sisters place. Maybe that sounds weird since I see him as a friend.

Isnt making decisions going to happen when everyone is talking together and isnt it right that a person should make the decision her/himself and not others?

When people make suggestions without your presence how are people gonna be able to not feel guilt for not doing what they suggested? Then you feel you let people down.

I dont want to feel guilt but that is how I feel. I dont want to be someone who does stuff just because others have suggested it.

I guess I also think its a bit odd to suggest for others specially when they know you struggle and even struggle themselves.

The friend didnt want go out on this holy day by himself, neither do I, because town is stuffed with people and noise. He said it would rain and that would also be one reason to not want to go out for him, but still he made the assumptions that I would not have any problems taking out.

Good friends respect each other's decisions. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to go out and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If your friend simply made a suggestion, and you rejected it and he was fine with that - then all is alright. If he made any rude comments, etc. that is not alright.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by NewLyfeForReal

Good friends respect each other's decisions. You shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to go out and you shouldn't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If your friend simply made a suggestion, and you rejected it and he was fine with that - then all is alright. If he made any rude comments, etc. that is not alright.

Thank you for your reply, New. He respected my decision. Maybe its just me, but I just know by myself that I would not suggest things for a person without the persons knowledge. I would always ask the person first and then hear what they say about it so I dont put others in an uncomfortable situation.

I know I shouldnt feel guilt and I am very sure that its just me who feels guilt and that this friend would not want me to feel guilt either.

[Trippin2.0]

I personally don't have problems with suggestions, they are after all merely suggestions.


You don't agree with them, you decline. Case closed.


I may be wrong, but seems your tendency toward guilt is what make third party suggestions intolerable, when they're seemingly innocent.


Now I have a sister who actually makes plans FOR you, and THAT is undeniably rude and completely inconsiderate.


She wont dare do it to me though, she may be 15 years older, but she knows I would tell her to take a hike and I definitely won't be nice about it.


Your sister and friend seem to have had an innocent enough motive in their conversation, he probably didn't want to be alone on a specific day, and she in turn suggested that you might be interested in hanging out with him...


From what you've written, He obviously did the asking you bit, so nobody just assumed you would go.


Or did I misunderstand and he was already under the impression that you were definitely going to hang out???

Because if that is what happened, then I understand your frustration and agree she was out of line and should have called you first.


But it doesn't seem rude or over bearing to me if a suggestion was all it was. But again, that's just me, and I see suggestions "innocently".

[shortandcute]

One time my brother in law promised a friend of his that I do that friend a favor. But I knew nothing about it until the time came. I told him I wasn't able to do it, but then my BIL said that I was breaking my word! I told BIL that, no, I wasn't because I never promised the other person that I would. We argued about it for a good five or ten minutes.

[tearsinabottle]

After reading your replies I see a bit different on it today. It may be my guilt and depression and other problems that caused me to feel upset. My sister had not told him I "would" come and my friend did not expect me to come. It was just suggestions.

I agree it would be very rude if they actually made plans for you and expecting you to carry them out.

Thank you, trippin and shortandcute

[avlady]

you are in the right, you don't have to do what you don't want to.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by avlady

you are in the right, you don't have to do what you don't want to.

Thank you, avlady I agree one dont have to do what one doesnt want to or are able to.

[Perna]

Sometimes when I get anxious about something, I work to turn my thinking around and tell myself I am excited about that thing? After all, some things like roller coasters and watching horror shows, etc. are exciting because they are scary.

If I were in your situation, tearsinabottle, I would make "suggestion" and "invitation" mean the same thing. I would think that this friend and my sister care about me and want me to know that I have a friend whom I can visit if I want, that it isn't just my sister's friend but mine too if I want. Sometimes it is hard to go through change (your sister moving away) and start up, ask others for help or support? I think the friend may have been just preempting that and telling you it would be okay to visit, not that you "should".

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sometimes when I get anxious about something, I work to turn my thinking around and tell myself I am excited about that thing? After all, some things like roller coasters and watching horror shows, etc. are exciting because they are scary.

If I were in your situation, tearsinabottle, I would make "suggestion" and "invitation" mean the same thing. I would think that this friend and my sister care about me and want me to know that I have a friend whom I can visit if I want, that it isn't just my sister's friend but mine too if I want. Sometimes it is hard to go through change (your sister moving away) and start up, ask others for help or support? I think the friend may have been just preempting that and telling you it would be okay to visit, not that you "should".

I like this point of view, Perna.

[tearsinabottle]

Originally Posted by Perna

Sometimes when I get anxious about something, I work to turn my thinking around and tell myself I am excited about that thing? After all, some things like roller coasters and watching horror shows, etc. are exciting because they are scary.

If I were in your situation, tearsinabottle, I would make "suggestion" and "invitation" mean the same thing. I would think that this friend and my sister care about me and want me to know that I have a friend whom I can visit if I want, that it isn't just my sister's friend but mine too if I want. Sometimes it is hard to go through change (your sister moving away) and start up, ask others for help or support? I think the friend may have been just preempting that and telling you it would be okay to visit, not that you "should".

I agree with your view, Perna thank you for replying. I think I got anxious and feeling heavy yesterday because I am depressed. When being depressed and feel something is expected of you or that you let people down, then I dont feel well and it adds stress to me. I dreaded or did not look forward to having to text him and decline because it makes me feel bad.

I think I felt visiting him would be expected of me, but I realize that it may be only me who were thinking and feeling like this. Still its a real feeling for me and I got stressed by the thought, even annoyed for the only reason that I am sick. But I know they meant it well