How fast and how soon?

I have horrible judgment when it comes to relationships. I seriously have no clue what is even normal.

I've been dating s guy for a month and a half. I feel like I want more closeness and more time together. What amount of closeness would you expect after only that much dating? I feel I want more but isn't it recent? Not enough two months? What u think?

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How much more time are you hoping for, in comparison to where things are now?
And by closeness, is that an emotionally intimate connection?
Not certain there's a concrete standard? Plus schedules matter...

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Steve Harvey says to wait for 90 days before giving up the cookie. If the guy wants YOU and not just the cookie, he wont have a problem with it, says steve. It takes me 3 months to know if i want to keep having coffee with a new gf. But then i dont do a lot. And im old and cranky.

I mean emotional connection. Yes I feel I want more from him, I have a tendency to attract unavailable men. I feel he might be....



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I meant emotional closeness.

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That changes things a bit as far as advice seeking/giving .
Could go with the Steve Harvey, three months window ^^ to get a grasp on things.
How often do you see each other? What things about him give off the impression that he's. EU?(emotionally unavailable..translation:involved or just clueless)

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GOMG!!! I never heard that expression before. Puts a whole new spin on eating a custard cream. And as for Cadbury's fingers and jammy dodgers well

We see each other about twice a week.

He is extremely busy as he has three children of different ages and they demand attention ( one is special needs), he just started new job also moved and is recently divorced. He might be emotionally available but he is just so extremely busy that it makes him not available time wise so relationship just not moving forward.

No he is not involved with others, he barely had the time for one woman!

He says it is all temporary but I have feeling I have to go with what's there in front of me not what might get better in the future.

I started to have this strange anxious feeling in my stomach that i always have when my guts sending me a signal: the guy is not available. Time to run!

My t says I have to keep my eyes open and not focus on one person too early. I do like the guy, and he is a nice person. I am trying to break a pattern of attracting unavailable men but dang it. It is just keeps happening (family dynamics) My t is on board sometimes I wish she went on s date with me and a guy and told me if he is available or not lol

Maybe 3 months is a good idea but I don't want to get involved and then have my heart broken. Something tells me to listen to my gut feelings

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Lol

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At this stage of dating, it does sound like a fair amount of time spent together.
What is it that you're expecting that isn't happening?
Why are you worried about a broken heart, at this stage? Wouldn't you have as much heartbreaking to do, as he could?

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You might be right. I worry because of my previous experiences not trusting myself. Not trusting my gut feigns and ending up hurt. The reason I worry as I am way more available than him. It is just overall the fact of him being so unavailable time wise. We can literally never see each other during the day as he either works or had kids, it is always evening and always on his terms as he is more busy. Don't know. My past pains causes me to be paranoid about EU men.

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Hmmm good question. Maybe him being into me more?


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My T would say change how you are doing things a bit. See if he notices.

He asked me, once, who does all the calling? The answer wasn't me..

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My t says to be less available that kind of feels like a game...we usually give each other weekly schedule and figure out when to meet. Telling him I am not available on such and such day if not true feels like head game.

He is the one calling/texting. Not me. I do reply. I once left my phone at home and was gone all day he texted and called all day worrying. Don't know if it means much or not

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Thank you healing fur your helpful suggestions by the wY

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He has been pretty up front regarding what and how much of it he can give you at this time in his life.


And you seemingly agreed that its enough for now.


So either go with the flow and enjoy the ride, or keep looking for reasons why he's not a good match.


Two evenings a week is more than I'm currently getting with my bf, but I'm not complaining, he warned me, and I agreed, but it finally looks like his schedule will have some flexibility soon.


Maybe it was easier for me to agree to as my bf wasn't new, (we reconciled) or maybe I place more value in quality as opposed to quantity, idk. What I do know is, if you really are interested, then two nights a week is doable.


And if its only been a month, he might still be learning how to schedule working, parenting and dating.


I say cut him some slack.

Mine didn't mean it as a game. I'm not making myself less available, per se. His point in my therapy was knowing if the person in my life is in tune with my emotions.

So if you're making plans and he does call and text, and displays worry, what else could it be that's troublesome to you?

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My T, then went on, at a later session, to ask me to consider my fears. What are my fears? To be addressed, in tomorrow's session.

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I agree, it's not playing head games or being dishonest.

It's more like putting your best foot forward, or peacocking if you will.


Especially in a new relationship, many of us don't want to be caught looking like crap do we? We always wanna look, feel and smell our best, even though we don't really look catwalk ready 24/7.


So this is just another facet to putting your best foot forward.


Why not make yourself more appealing by not appearing desperate or having nothing better to do than wait for him to pencil you in...


Not saying you do this, just trying to bring across a point.


Also, if you're always readily available, he may end up taking your time for granted, because you'll just be available tomorrow as well. Not because he's an a.s.shat, but because patterns and bad habits develop over time.

In my opinion, this is just how a recently divorced man/woman is when they are juggling work, kids, and a new relationship.

I married a man who has one child. When we first got together, everything revolved around when his ex would let him see his son. They didn't have a set visitation schedule so he got to see him when his ex was available. She made it very hard on him. He worked 50-60 hours a week. I usually saw him one day a week, possibly two on the weekends IF he didn't have his son. This went on for three months, until he asked me to move in with him. We moved REALLY fast and I don't recommend this. But, in general, seeing each other once or twice a week is pretty healthy for the first few months.

I would see how it goes, and just be happy for now. If, after 3-4 months, he hasn't wanted to see more of you, or change the level of seriousness, start the conversation of where you're headed. If you want to move to the next level (like, meeting the kids?), and he isn't ready, you will know by then what you want to do.

Do you have children?

I wish I could answer I really do not know. Something bothers me up to the point if feeling sick to my stomach but I am not sure if it is me or something is red flag and I ignore it.

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I cut him slack of course! And I do place value on quality.

think due to my previous experience I need to be extra vigilant about red flags. I am almost 50 and keep finding men who are literally clones of each other, they could be from different sides of the planet yet exactly same.

If he was my first or second Unavailable man i probably wouldn't worry either, but that's not the case. Attraction to same type of men is strong in me

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Thus far, the above is about the only red flag, I can tell, based upon what is written.
I've accidentally forgotten my phone once or twice, was relieved to have only missed one message. Reminded myself how far away I've come from my ex husband. Hence, noticing a potential flag?

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i think you should be very careful right now. he has 3 kids, could you handle this? his ex would be a part of your lives forever because of the kids, how does she feel? whose idea was the divorce? children need alot of attention and you probably havn't had much time with them yet too? i hope you are a strong person, i would be leary of him because of the fact he's newly divorced too. just a thought!

Ask him straight what he wants out of it as it could save you both time and pain if you know where you stand. I dated a guy once we met up he cooked for me and everything I started to really like him. Then he dropped me as if nothing, so I always ask early on what my date is expecting from me long term.