[SeptemberMorn]

I didn't get any responses on this in Anxiety, so I'm going to repost it here in Relationships. Maybe someone will have some insight into my problem. Ya'll know me and how I can get sometimes. Even if it isn't pleasant, could you give me some advise?

My son is an adult with a family of his own. What's killing me is that his wife was raised with a completely different set of values than he was. He's letting her and her family control him to the point that he's quickly forgetting his own values! Her family live by controlling others and now they're trying to control me. Well, everybody here knows that I won't be controlled by anyone!!!!!!! My faith in my son is quite strong although it's quaking just a bit right now. She's using their two kids as pawns in this power play of her when it's convenient. The last two weeks were involved in me giving my son a car I had parked for 4 years. His FIL claims he's a mechanic, so I asked my son if he'd fix it so he could trade it in for something that ran, because his two rattle traps had rattled themselves to death. Finally, my son got it through the old man's head what was wrong with the car. All this time, my DIL was happy with me but at the same time pressuring for ME to pay the registration and the new parts. I couldn't get it done fast enough. In fact, she wanted me to pay for the registration before her dad got the car fixed! Hu-uh!! We'd been down that road before with no success! Now that they've traded in my car and got a new truck, I'm back on her black list. I could only come to her drive-way, NOT get out of the RV and spend a SHORT period of time with the kids while they opened their Easter basket. I told her where she could put that idea and now neither one is talking to me and I can't see the kids at all. That will probably change when they want some more money from me. Guess what?? They ain't gettin' no mo'e!!

"Looters," like Sky calls them. I call them "Users!" They're neither "looting" from me nor "using" me any more! I know... I know. I'm paying a heavy price, but I just can't be controlled. It's not within the realm of my possibility.

Something else that kills me is what they're doing to their little girl. She's four years old and has no clue what's going on. Last time they kept the kids from me and I finally got to see my Autumn, she ran to me, started sobbing when she landed in my arms and said "We really missed you, 'Bela.' " (speaking of her little brother and herself) Don't these people know what they're doing to their kids in the name of "control?" ##&&**^^##!!!!!!!!!!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi)))))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry that she's being so difficult and keeping the kids away from you. You're right, it is simply hurting them and confusing - all at the same. If that doesn't sound like a therapy session down the road, I don't know what does.

I care about you - I hate to see you letting your DIL upset you to the point where you want to choke her (I have a few of those urges myself as well).

Does Jerry say anything about these issues or try to remain neutral? Just wondered if he was standing behind you and supporting you/offering them sound advice to listen to you.

Please take care of you.

Mary Alice

[willoughby]

Did you try to talk to your son and tell him how you feel? And how his wife is making you feel? What about the grandchildren? Does he realize what he is doing to them? I dont know you well but I would call and tell him to smarten up. I feel for you.

"you only have one chance to make a first impression"

[SeptemberMorn]

Strange, Hun. Jerry had talked to our daughter and to John's wife not more than a week ago about what these games are doing to the whole family. No one understood or cared. All they are interested is in their own power games.

Now that our DIL has pulled this, Jerry's finally had it. Today was our baby grandson's second birthday. Of course, I was dis-invited so Jerry didn't go either. We're just going to mail all the packages to the kids. Jerry seems to think that it may eventually sink into our son's head what they are doing. The three of us are very close and this is the first time neither his dad nor I haven't been at a birthday party. If I know my son, he probably got livid and will stay that way for a few days, but pretty soon, especially if Jerry and I don't make any effort to contact him, he'll see what is happening. So far, our son hasn't failed me in the end, even if I've had to wait for a while.

It's not so much our son as it is his wife. It all started back when Harley, their dog, got killed. You remember them coming on the board and posting? She had calmed down somewhat, but then got mad and uptight again when I gave my car to my son so he could trade it in for something that runs. Her dad and she wanted me to pay for the registration before they ever came to get the car! This man (her dad) had already ruined a truck he was supposedly fixing for Jerry. He made Jerry spend all kinds of money on this part and that and nothing got fixed. There was NO way I was going to lay out $400 on registration after that! It took a while to convince the old man that a rack and pinion doesn't catch fire!!! There was a hole in the hose for the transmission fluid, that's all!! He finally got it fixed and then we had to wait a few days for me to get the money together and all this time she's freaking out, just knowing that "I'll never get a new car!" Hell!! It wasn't for her! It was formy son!! So... I'm back on her black list because she hasn't thought of the next thing she needs MY money for!

I feel if I start letting her play me like a yo-yo now, these games will never quit! I can't and won't do that!

Anyway, today hasn't been a good day, either. Today was the birthday party. Had another panic attack this morning and I've been wiped out all day.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Willoughby, thanks for your reply. Yes, I tried to call and talk to my son but he hung up on me. He says that his wife will be respected or else. I guess he forgot he's supposed to respect his parents, too. It's not us being disrespectful, anyway!





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[alm15]

I'm so sorry to read about your family stuff. It sounds like a really hard situation. It's amazing to me that your reward for your generosity of giving them a car is to shut you out. My Father has made it clear forever that he would not help me out in any way. If he gave me a car I would be falling over myself to show him my gratitude. It's so sad that your grandchild is being stuck in the middle of this mess too. Poor kid. It must be very painful for all of you. My thoughts will be with you. Annie

[PlanningtoLive]

I am so sorry, Tomi. Sounds like what my brother was/is doing to my parents.

The way I look at it, life is too short as it is. We've all made mistakes, but I have never lost contact with my parents. When they're gone, at least they will know that regardless of the issue, I love them and appreciate them.

Same goes for my other "mom" as well.........*******hugs*********

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Hi ((((((((((((((((Tomi)))))))))))))): Wow, this does suck! grrr. What does your son think showing his wife 'respect' would look like?

I think using the kids as pawns is an awful, horrible thing to do, (obviously).....

I'm sorry.

I've put my thnking cap on...

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

I've thought of asking for a mediation between them and us, but on second thought, it might stir up CPS. If so, the kids would be taken out of the home and Jerry and I sure wouldn't get them! I'm interested in what you can come up with other than just letting time do it's work. My son doesn't think she's using the kids as pawns.







<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[dexter]

>> My son doesn't think she's using the kids as pawns.

Does she give him "valid" reasons as to why they are kept from seeing you? Or does he think that she isn't interfering with visits at all?

I hate to be harsh but if she/they think that you are such a "bad influence" on them and your grandchildren then they shouldn't get any of your "tainted" money or gifts either.

It is absolutely outrageous about the car. A gift is a gift. You shouldn't have had to be responsible for the registration at all, let alone coming up with the cash on their schedule. Gee if it is not a "gift" that meets their "approval" then they shouldn't have that gift at all. Here's the car, take it or leave it! If giving them a gift is going to end up causing you grief it would be best for you just to not offer anything in the future.

I know it is not as easy as that because you want to do right by your son and your grandchildren.

Really I just found that I needed to vent about this a little .

------------------------------------
--http://www.idexter.com

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Dave}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Vent away! I feel exactly as you do. They're not getting any more gifts or help from me. It's time they both learned to manage their money. Yes, I want to do right by my son, but from now on, to "do right" by him is to let him grow up on his own; to let him make his own mistakes and to sweat it out on his own when he/they overspend. They are under her family's control, so it's going to be a longer road than usual.

I don't know what her reasons are for not letting me see the kids, except that she's mad at me. In a talk with my son, he validated my statement that the kids don't suffer anything in my company. He knows she's interfering in the relationship between my grandkids and I, but he's going along with her, I guess, in order to keep her happy. He does quite a bit of that in all areas.

Dave, I hope I didn't trigger you, but it sure helps to see someone get as upset as I get when something so unfair happens. It's not much different than what your "friends" are doing to you. They're "users" and "fair weather friends!!" It wasn't that long ago that I thought if he wasn't my son, I'd removing him from my life. He takes and takes and never gives back. There have been times that I've sacrificed my time, my health and my money for him and his family but when I ask for a little bit of physical help, do you think he gives it to me? NO! Never! I can forgive, but am I going to forget? I hardly think so!

Right now, it just feels like I raised a pack of ungrateful assholes! It's not just him.

Dave, I think those of us who are generous to a fault oftentimes go through tough times like these; you with your so-called friends and me with my kids.

PS I've missed you on the board. Good to see you posting again.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

My baby came by. Of course, it was because he needed something. Didn't say anything to me at all. Just handed me the form he needed me to sign and left.

WHY?? Why did he have to come by and make the hurt worse?? The pain gets physical! I couldn't even cry after he left. Thought I was gonna go nuts because I didn't know what to do with myself. The feeling gets suffocating!

What's the deal? Why do they think they have to lord it over us and when they don't get what they want, they make us suffer!! What's with this generation that they feel they have to have the upper hand and don't give a single thought to what they are doing to those around them?? What did I do wrong as a mother that I get treated like this?? This sure isn't the example I set with my own mother!! We had arguments and serious disagreements but not once did the thought cross my mind to put her out of my life or to keep my kids from having a relationship with her!! The problem between my son and I doesn't even have anything to do with he and I!! It's that stupid ***** he's married to!! GOD!!!

Yes, I hurt! Yes, I'm angry... but not only for myself. All I can hear and think of is my granddaughter telling me how much she missed me the last time they kept her from me. What are they doing to their own child??? JUDAS H. PRIEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!







<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[dalila]

There is such a thing as grandparents' rights. You can get visitation ordered through the legal system. It is sort of a last, drastic step but it is a possibility.

~D~

[SeptemberMorn]

Dalila, I've been there, done that. In fact, I was seriously involved with Grandparent's "Rights" for quite some time. What I learned is that grandparents don't have any rights to their grandchildren unless there is serious abuse going on in their home. Then it becomes Grandparent Custody. If this couple was investigated, the kids would probably be removed because of the filth and unhealthy conditions of the home, but my husband and I wouldn't have a chance because we live in a small, one bedroom mobile home and we're at least 20 years older than the maternal grandparents. Besides, CPS is a really sick joke! They do more harm than good. If been down this road before.

It's been my experience that when grandparents do happen to get visitation, it's worse for the kids because when they are being kept from the grandparents, it's usually a power struggle to begin with. The parents will play the kids just like kids in a bad divorce. I wouldn't do that to my grandkids.

Worst of all? I'm in California and this state doesn't have any "Grandparent's rights."

Thanks anyway for answering and caring.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>

[Fuzzybear]

California, huh?
Maybe I'll drop in to see you when I am visiting Greg!
hehe

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Take care,
Your fuzzy friend xx

[SeptemberMorn]

You're always welcome here, Fuzzwad! LOL Bring Greg with you, ok? Maybe he will take a 2X4 to my son's head and knock some sense into him.





<font color=blue>"Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt" --Shakespeare</font color=blue>