[maara]

Hi all.

So this is what happened right after my therapy session few days ago. I was on my way home when my mother called. I have been trying to separate myself from her and have the least contact possible as that is what I need for myself at the moment but decided to answer the phone in case she would think that I'm not ok and would show up to my place. Which has happened before...

So our relationship is not the best, she abandoned me when I was a teenager and after a few years I was living with her again (long story).

She called me that evening to say that she loves me very, very much and that we all (family members (parents are divorced)) should get together and forgive each other. I have no idea where all this came from, my guess is she read it somewhere. I believe my mother is a narcissist and is very manipulative, and is not able to love anybody but at the same time she is interested in healing people. And not because she really wants to help people but because that would boost her ego. After she said she really loved me, she also said that she didn't say it before, when I was child, because she did not want to sound fake. There you go, this proves she did not love me. Even though I knew it, she finally said it herself.

I was analyzing that conversation for a while and it finally hit me. And for the first time in many years it did not hurt as I have been grieving this loss since I started therapy. I even feel a relief that I finally heard it from her.

[sideblinded]

((maara))

I know that what your mom did to you was wrong and very hurtful by her abandoning you. I am assuming that your mom has struggled with her own emotional problems and sometimes parents think that they are protecting their children by leaving them or by withholding emotions or feelings from them but that is not really protecting the children. It is downright heartbreaking. It sounds like your mom is making an effort to make up for her actions. I do not know if they are genuine but at least she is trying. I am glad that you are in therapy.

My mom was an alcoholic and she neglected and abused me. It took me many years to forgive my mom but I finally did. She is not alive and I am glad that I forgave her as she was neglected as well. It seems that these wounds are generational. Maybe not now but there is hope that in the future you will be able to realize that she does love you but she just does not know how to show it. That was my mom's case. She did love me but she had no way of showing it. I had to accept that and when I did, I was released from the pain. I hope that you will be able to see that she does love you but she has no idea how to show that to you. I wish you the very best.

[Ruminati]

yeah i'd agree with that last paragraph. The way you describe her she seems emotionally crippled for some reason and deeply wounded which is sad for both you and your mum.

If she hasn't been capable of showing love its not your fault. I hope you can see that. It sounds like she wants to work at healing what sounds like a dysfunctional family which sounds like a positive step to me.

I pray you get to a place where you can all forgive and heal.

Narcissists need a "source" to feed their ego. If she's been ignored and now she's reaching out it could be because her ego demands feeding. Only you know your mother and your history - and without that I can't form a feeling if she's sincerely interested or just looking for a feeding source. You do know, listen to your heart and do the best for you, protect yourself.

Originally Posted by sideblinded

((maara))

I know that what your mom did to you was wrong and very hurtful by her abandoning you. I am assuming that your mom has struggled with her own emotional problems and sometimes parents think that they are protecting their children by leaving them or by withholding emotions or feelings from them but that is not really protecting the children. It is downright heartbreaking. It sounds like your mom is making an effort to make up for her actions. I do not know if they are genuine but at least she is trying. I am glad that you are in therapy.

My mom was an alcoholic and she neglected and abused me. It took me many years to forgive my mom but I finally did. She is not alive and I am glad that I forgave her as she was neglected as well. It seems that these wounds are generational. Maybe not now but there is hope that in the future you will be able to realize that she does love you but she just does not know how to show it. That was my mom's case. She did love me but she had no way of showing it. I had to accept that and when I did, I was released from the pain. I hope that you will be able to see that she does love you but she has no idea how to show that to you. I wish you the very best.

I don't think its true that every parent is a loving parent but some just don't know how to convey that. There are some people that have no interest in their child or love for anyone but themselves so not knowing the individuals i would never say that someone needs to accept their mother loves them. It is not a given.

[unaluna]

Maara, i think i understand what you are saying. I once told my mother that i didnt even understand why she invited me for birthdays and holidays. She and my brother make all the decisions, then they call me. She said, "we dont want you to feel left out." Well - that opened my eyes. I already WAS left out. From a long time ago. Anyway, it felt good to finally know or have it acknowledged that that was where i stood - outside! At least you can understand why its cold outside - but if its cold inside, its just confusing.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by maara

. After she said she really loved me, she also said that she didn't say it before, when I was child, because she did not want to sound fake. There you go, this proves she did not love me. Even though I knew it, she finally said it herself.

I was analyzing that conversation for a while and it finally hit me. And for the first time in many years it did not hurt as I have been grieving this loss since I started therapy. I even feel a relief that I finally heard it from her.

I appreciate how difficult healing the wounds of the past is difficult for everyone involved. However, I don't quite understand how not wanting to sound 'fake' proves your inference.
Depending on her life experiences it could just be often it was said but truth was questionable? Or was said in habit, placating, to her a meaningless expression. Of course it could mean what you are wanting proof of. However, rather than stew, why not ask her what she meant about it?

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[Open Eyes]

Sometimes it means "I did not know "how" to love you". Some mothers genuinely don't know "how", they did not get it themselves. Some are afraid to love too.

Did you know often psychologist/therapists are actually the worst parents? Same thing with teachers too. Some often look at the world with too much perfectionism, instead of accepting and loving in spite of whatever imperfections are there, as there is no such thing as "perfect".

She did not want to sound "fake", that is "I did not know how to so I chose to avoid it, at the risk of not doing it right".

Keep in mind though, it never meant you were not worthy of being loved.

[sideblinded]

Originally Posted by A Little Lost

I don't think its true that every parent is a loving parent but some just don't know how to convey that. There are some people that have no interest in their child or love for anyone but themselves so not knowing the individuals i would never say that someone needs to accept their mother loves them. It is not a given.

I am merely saying that in my case I needed to forgive my mother's treatment of me and I believe that she loved ME.

I do not know if Maara's mother is genuine but it is also not a given that her mother did NOT love her just because of her mother's actions. I am trying to give her another viewpoint that happens to be mine. I am only trying in my best way to help Maara.

[sideblinded]

Maara

Let us know how you are feeling. I hope that you keep posting. Take care.