[doyoutrustme]

I used to think we got along until one day my husband confessed to a sick conversation she had with him one on one about all the things she hates about me. They aren't fair and in some cases not even true. This was a few years ago and I was devastated, especially since she and I got along fine!

I tried to "fix" things I do to make her happy at my own happiness' expense. But now that I knew, I was much more aware of her feelings and the passive aggressive and snide things she was saying. I also found things from other people who slipped up that she was talking smack about me. So it was common knowledge in the family that she hates me.

I decided to stay myself, and stop walking on eggshells. I set firm boundries as needed, and tried to respect what I thought was fair from her complaints.

After spending the holiday with her, which I thought went VERY well, at basically the 11th hour, she and HER mother started piling on to my child in an emotionally abusive manner. I told her that I will handle my child, since I am the mom. She proceeded to berate me as a parent and tell me my child was a brat. (In front of my child). All the stuff I heard second hand- and more, came out in a shouting match. She told me not to come around anymore, to put it mildly.

My DH is trying to fix it. He spoke to her but she wasn't at all apologetic. So he's trying to make my father in law fix it.

And I'm in limbo. I've had it with this woman, but my kid was devastated enough by the ugly fight, and the subsequent crying, and the possible loss of grandma.

I've been taking anti anxiety pills while I try my hardest to stop ruminating.

My T is on vacation and I never call to talk between sessions anyways.

I have no one to vent to besides my husband, who is caught between his mother and his wife. So thanks for listening.

I want to scream and break things. I want to explode with rage! I feel so trapped inside myself and it's suffocating.

[~Christina]

You can't fix this , nor can your husband , She sounds like a nitemare MIL. You do not HAVE to be around her. My first husbands mother was just a lousy mean person , I cut all ties to her, Didn't see her face for over 5 years. I did see her once after we divorced and I just looked her up and down , sighed and kept walking in the store.

Make sure you and your hubby are on the same page as in she CAN NOT talk shyt to your kid and your hubby will stop it no matter what or the MIL will lose the right to see her grandchild.

You and your Husband need to set firm boundaries and not bend at all when it comes to her.

Im sorry you have to deal with such ignorance and ugliness

[Rose76]

That's got to be tough. I've never had to deal with a mother-in-law, but I've been close to some women who have, and it can be the worst. Maybe not being around her for a while will be the best thing . . . even if it's a good long while.

Like Christina, I don't know that anyone can really fix this. Your husband needs to get his head on straight. He probably shouldn't have repeated the sick conversation to you. In fact, he probably should have told his mother to STOP when it was clear she had nothing but bad to say about you. I suspect that a lot of this is rooted in her not having all that much respect for her son. I'll bet he's had some issues of his own over the years with her. But it sounds like she's got the upper hand and is more dominant than he is in the mom-son relationship. That's a hard thing to have against you.

I believe a husband's first responsibility is to his wife. His mom's duty is to be polite and appropriate toward you, whether she likes you or not. Likewise, you really have the duty to be polite and gracious toward her, for the sake of your husband. You have no obligation to put up with being abused by her. And your defender should be your husband. So, as is said above, see if your husband can man up and get on the same page with his wife. Maybe he has, and that's great, if it is.

Meanwhile your poor child is taking in all this stuff, and that's not what a kid should be trying to process. Help her with that as best you can.

A grandmother's access to a child is totally dependent on the consent of the parents. It is not her place to discipline a child or evaluate a child's behavior.

So, for now, just stay away from this woman. If you feel you need an apology before you can be in her presence again, I would understand that.

The main problem here, though, I suspect, is between son and mother. She does not respect him, and it would seem he does not command respect from her. Lots of in-laws don't like each other, but they put up with each other for the sake of their mutual loved one. But there are limits to what you can tolerate.

[ChipperMonkey]

Protect your child AT ALL COSTS!

My mom never protected my brother from my grandfather's BS. (Well, she never protected any of us kids, but my brother took it the worst.) he ended up having panic attacks and meltdowns.

Screw your mother in law. She's an adult who has chosen to behave badly. Your responsibility is to your child. If bridges are to be mended, she needs to extend the proverbial olive branch ON HER OWN, not because someone else has stepped in to "make things right".

[A Red Panda]

Yeah, child comes first. It sounds like your husband also understands that.

But, you come second. I hope your husband will be supportive of you and will not tolerate the crap your MIL is doing and saying. Which does mean, unfortunately, that he should cut ties with them instead of excluding you from family things. So hopefully he doesn't do that.

I'm really sorry that you've got such a s*** MIL. The ball is in her court to try to fix things with your family, not yours or your husband's. She is the one who acted massively out of line.

[Werewoman]

My ex-MIL recently passed away, but like you, she hated my ever-loving guts.

It took time for me to figure her out, but once I did, I simply ignored her. She would call me on the phone trying to get me to conspire against my adult daughter because she didn't like the things my daughter was doing. I told her I wouldn't participate and to never ask me to do such a thing again. She hung up on me. I called my ex-husband (her son, my daughters bio dad) and told him his mother needed to mind her own business and asked him to check up on our daughter to make sure she was okay and call me if he needed my help. As it turned out, my daughter wasn't doing what the old bat was accusing her of. Gee, there's a shock!

I agree with the others that your child comes first and it is in your child's best interest to be kept away from that woman. Otherwise the abuse (and it IS abuse) will continue. I know from experience that people who act that badly when others are around are even worse if left alone with a potential victim.

I don't think your husband can do anything to 'fix' this/her simply because for one thing, I don't believe people like her can be 'fixed' and secondly, as your husband, his first loyalty is to you and your children and it is his responsibility to protect his family at all costs.

Best of luck with this. It's a VERY difficult situation, but again, ignoring people who behave like her is VERY effective.

WW

[troubledinlove]

Your MIL may have some underlying issues that have nothing to do with you such as mental illness, jealousy, or perhaps feelings of losing control over her son.

I find it really cruel that she was leading you to believe that your relationship with her was good while speaking poorly of you to others in the family. It must have felt like you were the last to know the truth.

I know how hard it is to amend yourself in order to gain acceptance from someone who has already made up their mind that they don't like you. You tried and she just didn't want to accept you.

I am glad you chose to just be yourself because that is the person your husband fell in love with and the person your child needs you to be.

Her behavior has nothing do to with you so much as it is a reflection on her...try and remember that and kill her with kindness. Treat her with respect and acceptance and be firm with what you find to be an overstepping of your boundaries.

Hang in there!

[doyoutrustme]

Thank you for your responses and support. It makes me reassure myself that I'm not crazy.

My husband has always struggled between his mom and me although he "knows" logically that I come first. His actions reflect that, but I feel like his heart isn't in it.

MIL texted me (probobly because of my FIL) to say she would email me.

And to thank me for having my child apologize to her GREAT-grandmother. (the whole thing was initiated because my kid spilled, splashing on her great grandmother by accident, and didn't want to apologize because it had been an accident. Instead of explaining that we still apologize for accidents, they just started calling her names)

I had nothing to do with my kid appologizing! great grandmother apologized back for her name calling, but I do not think my kid should have had to call and apologize. No one asked me about that and I feel like MIL manipulated my husband into it.

I ignored her text.

[Fuzzybear]

What a *****!! Glad you ignored her text

[doyoutrustme]

She really is a sick person. My therapist confirmed as much that she is a sick person.

I just never had anyone hate me so much! I'm generally a shy and quiet person. An introvert. Ironically, she holds my quietness against me as a flaw.

[Rose76]

MIL has a longer history with your husband than you have. She had control of him when he was a child and did some brainwashing back then that he has never gotten over.

It's your job to explain to daughter that we apologize, even when something is just an accident. Would have been nice if grandma and grea-tgrandma could have helped with framing it that way, but they're dopes, so it falls on you.

It's good that great-grandmother apologized for name calling. This may be kind of working out in a way that will be a learning experience for your child. Talk to her about it. If she did apologize, praise her for that. She can come out of this as the bigger person. If your husband organized the exchange of apologies, that's really okay too. He's a parent and he can do that.

The most important person in all this is your daughter and how she comes through this whole tempest-in-a-teapot. Grandma and great-grandma are not blood to you, but they are to your daughter. So, maybe, let her lead the way a bit in this. See what's in the email, when it arrives. If MIL makes some attempt for taking responsibility for making a mountain out of a molehill, then maybe let life move on.

[doyoutrustme]

Still waiting for the email. Maybe it got lost in the mail...

[doyoutrustme]

it came.

in summation. she is sorry if my feelings were hurt, she listed a bunch of things I do to fix, and said she hopes I will not take offense to future criticism.

[Rose76]

She doesn't sound very repentent.

Your husband should say to her, "Mother, do not criticise my wife when we visit, or we will leave immediately." This lady needs real simple ground rules.

My father was like your MIL. He used to want to talk bad to my sisters and me about our men, and to our men. We adopted a zero tolerance policy. He was reduced to sulking at family get togethers. Then our mother told him to knock that off. It more or less worked.

[doyoutrustme]

she ignores and tramples my boundries. im going to be serving out the consequences.

I can't say I am surprised, but I am still quite furious.

I wish I were a little kid so I could freely break stuff.

[toolman65]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

it came.

in summation. she is sorry if my feelings were hurt, she listed a bunch of things I do to fix, and said she hopes I will not take offense to future criticism.

Future criticism? You mean there's more?

Send her an email with all the things SHE has to fix to make things right between you.

Tell her you hope she doesn't take offence, but if she does, too bad.

[Rose76]

Go ahead. "Accidents" happen. Just don't break your own stuff.

Next time you're at Mom's spill and splash something . . . then profusely apologize. Then do it again.

[doyoutrustme]

you guys made me laugh even though I'm incredibly pissed. thanks. I needed that. :

[doyoutrustme]

also, very validating.

[Rose76]

She's not worth the sweat off your brow.

Give her a gift wrapped roll of "Charmin." Tell her to start loggin' all her complaints down on that . . . to be forwarded on to you for appropriate disposition.

[doyoutrustme]

Thanks

I wish my husband shared your sentiment. he agrees with me but is inclined to continue his passive aggressive approach. cause, you know. it's working splendidly so far!

in the words of debra from everbody loves Raymond, WHAT IS THIS HOLD SHE HAS ON YOU???

[Rose76]

There you go. This battleax has worked on him his whole life. By the time he was 5 years old, she had him trained. It is well nigh impossible to stand up to that, when it's been done by someone who knows how, and it sounds like she knew how. Meanwhile, he frets over whether he's being a good enough son. You'll never untangle that.

Just keep your distance.

[A Red Panda]

I was going to suggest the same thing as toolman - send her an email back saying that you're sorry for her feelings, but that she needs to do X, Y, Z to fix things and to expect less time with your family until she does.

If your husband won't take a more assertive approach, then at least get him to commit to something like "if your mom does something like X, then I am going to tell you that we're leaving and you need to support me in that and just leave. If you want to argue about it, we do it when we're home and no one else is around."

I like the toilet paper idea, haha. If she was to ask why the toilet paper, you just have to go "Well, you talk a lot of sh** so you may as well put it where it belongs..."

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by doyoutrustme

it came.

in summation. she is sorry if my feelings were hurt, she listed a bunch of things I do to fix, and said she hopes I will not take offense to future criticism.

My standard reply to such nonsense is "Bite me, Bee-atch!"

Not very productive, I know, but day-um it feels good!

I agree though that in the future, your family should leave the next time MIL misbehaves (that's what she's doing, after all). If your husband won't agree to leave, then leave him there. I know its a hard thing to do, but unfortunately, you seem to be stuck with deprogramming him, but again, your child always comes first - even before your husband.

WW

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by A Red Panda

I like the toilet paper idea, haha. If she was to ask why the toilet paper, you just have to go "Well, you talk a lot of sh** so you may as well put it where it belongs..."

Priceless!