[Christina86]

Okay, so first I'm not at all used to posting in this forum. I don't have enough relationship experience (read: none whatsoever) to comment.

But then there's this boy...

(It's always about a boy, isn't it? *sighs*)

Very nice guy, whom I was introduced through via other people I met last year.

Well, we started really hanging out over the summer. As in, when I wanted to go to the mall - the guy actually came along! (He went shopping with a girl... sorry, it doesn't happen a lot to me). Went to movies together, and I invited him to my place (and vice versa) to play board games and watch videos.

Sounds like a normal healthy friendship? Yeah, I thought so.

But...

I really like the boy. As in, he's the first guy who I like to touch (not sexually). The first guy I like to spend extended periods of time with. The first guy I can talk to about so much, and have him actually understand!

But at the same time... he teases me, he can get physically rough (it's like we're siblings and I don't mind terribly) and he can be harsh or say a really mean comment without really realizing or caring. It's like the guy can be emotional and sympathetic one minute, and completely the opposite the next!

Which really ticks me off.

But we've managed to spend so much time together that our mutual friends have made it their life mission to tease us mercilessly (okay, mostly me because I emotionally react and that's "fun"). Apparently we're boyfriend/girlfriend, or dating. Also the running joke is that we're going to be married because we have so much in common.

I'm not appreciative of their comments, but I live with it because they don't stop when I've asked them too. And it doesn't bother the boy, so I keep my mouth shut.

But once again, enters my feelings. I actually couldn't imagine life without him. It physically hurts me to not see him at least once in a two day period. Christmas was hell, but when I saw him ... if I could jump with the wheelchair and all... I'd have jumped up and given him a hug when I saw him after the break.

Now, my friends who were anxious to "label" our relationship decided to meddle and asked Joel (behind my back) about how he viewed our relationship.

Now... can someone PLEASE explain what he meant when he said that "he loves me, but is not IN LOVE with me"?!?

I'm very frigging confused.

I've resolved myself to the fact that he obviously doesn't see me as any sort of romantic relationship but instead as a very good close friend. He's always complaining that not enough people bother to get to know him, and that he feels invisible. That's one way we relate so much to one another.

But this just gets messier because I've met his mother and sister, and he's met my mother and two sisters. And unfortunately ... his mother thinks I'd be a good match with him, and my mother thinks that if I'm happy with him that I should continue to try to pursue a 'relationship' with him. Ummm... it wouldn't be a problem except I will go out of my way to make everyone happy and I can't seem to do that here. He doesn't want a relationship, but the parents do!? All I want to do is be able to see him and talk and spend time with him, no matter the relationship. I don't want to screw up what we've got, even if I do find him physically/emotionally attractive.

Now... it gets worse. He's going overseas sometime over the summer to teach English (he graduates from Uni in June) and he says that he will try to find me a job out there when he goes because he wants me to go with him!?! Ummm... when a guy wants to spend time with you in a foreign country for an extended period of time... that means WHAT exactly?!

I really don't want to lose him. I love him too much. I've never felt like this for a guy before, and it's killing me inside to know he's going to leave soon and I might never see him again.

Am I overreacting?

Is it a crush? Is it a sort of 'best guy friend' relationship? Is it love?

Or is it just a big mess...

I don't know what I want as a response to this, I just hope someone understands my ramblings and is able to offer support or advice or something. Even harsh criticism is fine.

I just need to figure out what to do ... because this is slowly killing me, and I can't tell him. And that hurts, because I don't want to lose him, or push him away, or alienate/hurt him.

[muse]

(((((((((((((Christina))))))))))))))
Ooooh, honey, I totally get the physical pain part. When I first had to leave my BF, before either of us had admitted anything, it hurt SOOO badly... I didn't know what to do with myself! So I completely relate to that.

This is one of those mysterious guy things... and I think, though my experience is limited, what he's been saying/doing could mean a couple of things:

1)He's being totally honest, just sees you as a friend, and is really grateful to finally have somebody who he's compatible with; thus, he wants you with him a lot, but doesn't love you as a girlfriend (his love is more brotherly).

2)He's starting to have feelings for you, but he's a GUY, remember, so he's not very good at dealing with them. The "love you, but not IN love with you" comment could be his way of hedging his bets and protecting himself from getting hurt, as he may have been in the past (he's probably also feeling a lot of pressure from your friends/his family, which will just make the situation worse). If this is the case, his asking you to go overseas with him might be his way of trying to get you alone and sort things out without interference.

3)He's got no clue what's going on, isn't sure if he loves you or likes you, and is just being a typical guy and acting on impulse. Sometimes this can get very messy, so watch out if this is the case.

Either way, I truly hope things work out in your favor!!! I know how frustrating and painful it can be to like a guy who seems unattainable, but my advice is to not give up hope while realizing that this could take quite a long amount of time to sort out. Often, relationships are best when given a while to grow and mature before diving into something more intimate (as you probably know).


luck&love
~muse

[Christina86]

((((((((muse))))))))))

Thank you thank you thank you!

I can't sort out things (not even into categories like that) if my life depended on it, so thanks for doing it like that!

Why do guys have to be so confusing?!? I guess it's my fault, but I'm trying to show him how much I care without smothering him to death. I just hurt so much, but I can't wait around forever for him to make up his mind.

Another guy decided to flirt with me today while we were out for coffee. After he found out that "he" wasn't my boyfriend. *sighs* Why is it that guys come out of the woodwork when I only want the one I don't think I can ever have?!

Don't mind me, I'm having a pity party of sorts.

I feel all confused, and I can't stand it. Grrr. I just wish I could talk to him, but that would probably make things worse. *sighs*

[bebop]

I would say that if he is wanting you to go overseas with him then that is love! just my guess! good luck hon

[Christina86]

(((((((((bebop))))))))))))

Thank you very very much.

[lenjan]

((((((((((Christina)))))))

Never, not once in all my 42 years, have I heard a WOMAN say "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." It is a total guy thing. They think it lets you down easy, but it's just being weaselly, IMHO.

Nevertheless, that he's invited you out of the country to be with him -- I think he's just deluding himself . Sounds like love to me too!

Good luck. Relationships are a bite. I gave them up years ago for that very reason. LOL

Love, Candy

[Perna]

Enjoying being with a person, "loving" being with them and feeling comfortable and understood; that's love but I can see that it can also not be "let's get married". Love and in love are two different things? Think about your parents or best friend; you "love" them don't you? Are you "in love" with them?

My T had to teach me the difference between "like" and "love". I couldn't understand how I could love my stepmother (I did/do) and yet have serious problems/abuse issues? My T started out asking me who I really liked and I instantly answered, "Scott, my husband". So, she asked me, "What do you like about Scott?" and I, again, instantly answered, "He's warm, fun, and friendly." She then had me apply those to my stepmother, LOL, didn't fit! We then discussed how one wants to surround one's self with true "friends". I think that is what "your" boy is, a true friend. But he hasn't fallen in love with you (yet :-) perhaps.

I hear reflected in your discussion of him the exact same thing he's reflecting in his discussion with the busybodies :-) of you? Why can't he not want to leave you, want you to come be with him just because it's comfortable and would be so nice to have such a friend as you around? Beats having to be among strangers only and make new friends (maybe) and work at building new relationships, etc.? So much easier with two than alone?

I wouldn't worry about him and trying to figure him out so much as yourself :-) What do you want in relation to him. You said you don't want to marry him just to go along with a program set up by the parents/others? So make other friends and don't go with him and see what develops? If it's "love" for both of you, you'll get back together, won't be able to stay apart :-) but if one of you "gets over" the other and involved in other things, etc. then I would rather face that pain now than later when it blindsides me after a zillion years? Eat your vegetables first, get them out of the way, and either there will be dessert at the end or there won't anymore :-)

[Irine]

may it be just platonic love?
you are not wuite a couple but spend time together and understand each other?
i had a relationship like that. but only through the internet.
this kind of love can be really confusing.

i think that if he says he loves you but "not in love" it means that he does have feelings for you but mayb enot sure about what`s going on....men are really tough. they have trouble expressing their REAL feeling and being in a relationship. that`s what my T says

[Christina86]

((((((candybear)))))))))))))

((((((((((Perna))))))))))))))))

((((((((((ladymacabethadmunsen)))))))))))))))))

Thanks all of you... you gave me a lot to think about!

i think Muse said it very well.......i'd suggest just continuing "as is" and see where it leads.......a lot of best friends fall in love and that is a very, very, very wonderful love. it happened to me once and it is worth the wait........xoxoxo pat

[greenpunkergirl]

oh lord, come on you guys............here's the dillio, he does love you, just not in the way that you want. He loves you like....... well, huh, there's no exact discriptive word, so here is the best I can do......... he loves you like a family member/ best friend that he can't live without. Now, if it turns into more from there, awesome. If it doesn't, it is just yet another case of unrequited love, no biggie, we've all been there, it sux, but you have all of us at pc. Here's what I think you should do, follow him where he is going if he wants you there. Don't give up quite yet, because truth be told, it's unlikely that you guys will end up together, but if you really feel as you say you do, then you have to see this to the end b4 you close the door. Good luck and mucho huggles!

GPG

[Christina86]

(((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))

(((((((((((((GPG)))))))))))))))

Thanks both of you. I've decided I'm going to wait it out and see what happens. The boy is leaving soon anyways so what does it really matter....