I'm almost halfway there to my goal

I plan on being single for 3 years and see how much progress I make. As of being halfway into my final year. I say I've made huge progress. I've lost weight, I learned to cherish who love me and get rid of negative people faster. Becoming self reliant and no longer self hating without a person present to cling to.

I dated 6 people back to back. I never dated someone I was too crazy over. It was like a fad almost and realizing maybe all of them might be like this even the person who may end up staying the longest with me. I had no chance at love. Rather I let that get to me, because young people care too much on it or like many of them care less about it. I chose the badwagon on caring less for my mental health. I'm proud of myself for figuring out what's most important to me and be confident in me doing something. Not worrying about ever say whose going to date me. I started this account when my last ex broke up with me suddenly.

It was such a hard year grieving and them her beating me after being intimate one last time put a very sour note in my relationships. Having to recover from the damage I'm so proud of myself I can't even begin. As a guy this was hell and a hell of a road to challenge many friends who have been much more available and dated much more than me did what I didn't do. I didn't seek I did more time doing my best to be incognito. I wasn't ready and they weren't they jumped relationship to relationship. I don't want to nor think of relationships nor women like that. It's not a bad thing necessarily but I felt I needed a heart to heart person I feel confident and happy and share it with her. That I finally be with my dream girl not in my head from childhood and teenage mind but in my adult mind my grown man mind. Someone who has my heart makes the little things feel so good and someone who doesn't cease to impress me on anything. Good and bad times she makes me smile more than anyone else.
That's what I want and need so badly I am working to be perfect for her when she finds me.

Great job OP, you deserve to be proud of yourself for this. I'm sure that making the progress you have made hasn't been easy.

It's made me learn what has been stopping ma and mending to it. Also psychological wounds others have put onto me.
I've learned how I lacked intimacy be for doing this it's not changed once. My parents are both emotionally unavailable. I felt my mom only cares about me when I have no emotion. I respect her till she disrespects my feelings that isn't helping nor positive for me. She likes to hold on to drama takes herself puts her problems and throws them at everyone she's very unmotivated and when she thinks I'm disrespectful to be rebellious. I'm not she hurt me emotionally far enough it took me so long to figure it out.

A girl ill be one day close to, will help me heal and without being codependent. We will keep a respectful boundaries emotionally, but I need this attended regardless by some female figure. I need it healed, because no matter how much I do on my own if someone helps me feel for once that not everyone is fake with their feelings and I can trust them and feel loved. Ik what it feels like even when it was for a moment and is not really there to begin with. I felt that's all I need. Truly. That intimacy where my efforts will be fruitful that I can give to someone else who needs it out of my own heart being generous has been a great stress reliever, but someone doing that for me out of generosity and gratitude. That's all I want.

My parents are most of the time emotionally unavailable too - at least for the deep, deep issues that I am not comfortable discussing with them. I know how that feels like. I hope you find your dream girl soon, it sounds like you're the type of guy that would really care about your girl and the relationship.

When I really like them I really do? I got my last ex into modelling for pin up and she was gorgeous but she chose drinking over it. I couldn't do much for her. I felt horrible how it has been hard for her I still do I don't blame or guilt myself for anything, because it was all her, but I still love her. I think she was the only ex, I truly appreciated even though it was rough. The other girls I dated one I became friends with and still friends with we don't talk much but we are not affected by the break up at all. The other one lived too far away, didn't break my heart, but I miss her a lot as a friend. The other 2 were very abusive and I don't want associate with them ever again. I tried so hard for them and never appreciated me.

I really want something to feel real and right. I wanted someone who is nice to me. Someone who can give me space and not be an enabler to my issues. I'd give them the same respect easily. If I really like someone I'll do my best to be there for them friend gf best friend so on.

I feel obligated, because sometimes they need it. I don't leave people they leave me, I don't annoy or try not to. I really do my best to be the best friend I can be. I've always had. I know when I'm feeling close with someone. I feel happy and kinda like hyper and goofy. I enjoy it and I would want to be with someone who be there and not treat me like ****. I love making jokes with my exes and messing with each other when it was a relationship and not a codependent hookup fest. I like sex, but I really don't want it as much as I used to.

I got tired of it. Sounds weird, but I feel that it's caused more harm than good to me than them. I feel I've dated only people who wanted sex, and manipulated in every way to get it from me. Most of the time I didn't mind, but when it got too much and frequent and overwhelming, I didn't feel happy, just used I didn't looking at my man parts or even body for a long time. I still don't, I work out a lot I used to have a lot of weight and if I had a gf who be like my best friend before hand. I feel that would work best for both of us.

I definitely could make that happen. I just don't like trusting random people. I friendzone, but every once in awhile. I sometimes don't have the boundary because of infatuation and silly things, I can't stand about having feelings in the wrong time for me. Like this girl at work, is so rude about it, she's very sarcastic and she does have good qualities, but finding out she's lesbian and very harsh in her happy go lucky joking manner to other people's feelings and very insensitive. I am bothered, but now I don't care. I show her more how much I don't care after her hurting me recently. I'm trying to work at a different job not because of her, but she's part of a bigger issue there. That I want to get a better environment at a hookah bar where I'm friends with people there, and I'll work very hard. I'm very skilled and I love helping people customer service is fun to me for right now. I have great people skills, despite being an introvert. I'm an introvert in hiding, I show it when I feel I want to show it, behind my extroverted qualities of communication skills.

I don't talk to people a lot when I am introverted, but at work. I'm extroverted, I don't put on the face, because I have to, I want to. I'm good at it, I like to get better. I like making people smile and I enjoy that. Having a gf has not really made any difference from that. Most of my gf's I've met were through online, networking and random encounter. I don't feel that I was the best at communicating my feelings, but it happened and I feel that my worst relationships were people who were too cocky with me.

You have the right attitude towards what it means to have and maintain a meaningful relationship, in my opinion. It sounds like your ex girlfriends have mistreated you in the past, abusing you, manipulating you sexually and otherwise.I am sorry you went through these experiences. You need someone better in your life. Trust in yourself that the right one will come along at the right time.

My therapist suggested I'd talk to my childhood crush who I went to school with. I had not infatuation, but a strange knowing/appreciation for her. She wasn't someone I considered dating, because she's kinda mean and acts like she's better than everyone else, but I do too.
If it did happen, I'd feel so happy, like it be the cutest thing ever honestly. I feel it would work. I don't get jealous easy anymore, I'm very patient and the thing that would piss me off if she took that as me being submissive or not manly enough. I doubt it, but if it did happen, she'd be dropped on her *** immediately. I don't put up with it ever.

I do respect her a lot, but I'm not sure if she would respect me. I don't know, I put some neutral questions at her today not hinting anything. I don't plan on it, unless opportunity arises and it looks good other than that I'd shut her out. I give her the same respect as everyone else when they aren't close to me.

I feel it could work too, because she maybe more like me and it be nice if it did work out. I just find her superficiality disgusting sometimes, but she's hinted for a long time it's a front and she's had real talks with me before. I feel she be a positive person if it's what I hope it is. I had a checkered past issues with her, but if it did, man how cute that be. I'd treat her right, and be respectful of myself and her but mostly keep an eye out if she takes me out of context and tries to trip me up. I'll always be on my toes even when I fail. So it's something I've considered an option, I find her type of physical symmetry the most beautiful I've see on a woman ever.

I don't know why, I don't have a reason. I don't need one it kinda happened out of nowhere for a long time. I don't think about her all the time, but when she comes into my mind. I always want to know if it could happen. I am trying to see casually, but I'm not ready to jump anywhere till it's certain. She's my age, but she has a lot of qualities personality wise I really like. Her confidence is sexy to me, I'm really confident when I'm insecure I don't let it consume and I will vent out what I need is on my mind. I never let people push me around, she's like that too. I really like that, and she's a person who likes to play around joke with other people, she does have a lot of guy friends and some female friends. I see if there was an issue, it come from her not me, because I feel that if I'm not as aggressive as the other guys I'm obviously weak when I don't choose to. I don't mind it, and I'm good at it when comfortable, but I don't want to appear too clingy and possessive and I definitely don't want to appear as push over doormat and you can do what you want to my gf, but my philosophy she should have enough self respect to know better in those situations and trust I'm not going to get to pissed off and that if she tells me something that she thinks would upset me. I'd be a lot less upset if she told me, rather encourage conversation, I have never had good conversation gfs. They were very closed and expected me to know, and that's never worked. I usually give up and pretend not to care, and they take it the wrong way and I'm like **** it. But now you know.

It could be the case, as you have said by saying "she's hinted for a long time it's a front", that she is putting up a barrier right now in front of her true personality because she is afraid people will not accept or like her otherwise. Sometimes people act like they are "mean" or that they're "better than everyone else" when they feel insecure about themselves. If you were able to have "real talks" with her in the past where she expressed her true self there is a good chance you will be able to in the future again. Hopefully the more deep conversations you two have the more she will realize how much you understand and appreciate her, as you mentioned. Asking her "neutral questions" at the moment is a good approach in my opinion. Let her get to know you more deeply, and likewise you to get to know her more deeply, before you proceed with asking her out (or her to ask you out) if the right opportunity arises.