Am I a sociopath or just depressed. Long story

I met her 2 years ago now, we worked together in a bar and there was an immediate attraction. I was much more shy and introvert when I met her and she's very extroverted but found me cute, she said that I wasn't like other guys, I was different. I was always friends with girls through school and I new what they liked, I played up to it and I knew what would work with her. After a couple of weeks working together we had drinks after work and ended up sleeping together. We were seeing each other casually for a couple of months and then she popped the 'what are we doing question' at first I wasn't sure but mainly because I was so shy. I was definitely a late bloomer, I lost my virginaty at 19 and had only been with 3 girls, 2 of which happened to be in same week that I slept with her. I think that's where some of the problem stems from, not that I condone sleeping around but I feel like just as I was discovering sex and could have been out having fun I found myself agreeing to a long term relationship. The physical attraction is there, she's amazing! we are like best friends, I'm a quiet person usually but I can really be myself around her and we chat and laugh all day. She's helped me through a lot this this year and I wouldn't be here without her, I've had severe physical health issues that are still ongoing and she's the one that made me go to doctors, I lost my job and with it thousands of pounds they owed me, shes paid for food far too many times now. I lost my dad and she was there for me, I've grown close with her friends and family, likewise she has with mine and they all think we're gonna get married, I know she loves me with all of her heart and I love her. I'm just not getting that feeling everyone talks about that she's definitely the one, even though I tell her she is, how do I know? I've not been in a relationship before but I want nothing more than to be with her for life. I grew up around domestic violence and as a result I toned my emotion down (not sure how else to explain) like a defense mechanism it stopped me getting depressed as a kid and I rarely get angry but now I think it stopped me being happy or love. I almost feel emotionless I only feel sadness, which makes me quite and withdrawn sometimes and she thinks I'm annoyed with her but I'm not. I think she's beautiful, funny, driven and I can really see us spending our lives together. We talk everyday and I feel miserable when I'm not with her. She works abroad for a couple of months at a time and where I've been ill I've stayed in a lot, smoked weed and been overthinking things far too much. My mind wonders when she's not here and although I'd never cheat part of me wonders what it's like to be with someone else and id like to think I'd say no if the opportunity come up. I shouldn't have these thoughts should I? I know I've been depressed recently and I don't know if it's just that or insecurities because she's a couple of years older than me a lot more experienced than me with relationships. can I really not feel emotion? am I a bad person for making her fall in love with me and not being sure? What do Now?

The way you talk about her, you sound like someone who's in love.

You say you don't know if she's the one, but in the same breath you contradict that statement by stating you want to, and can see yourself spending the rest of your life with her....


So unless you're desperate and scared of being alone (which u dint get from your post) seems like on some level you do know that she's the one for you.


My take?


Your feelings for her are being muted under the weight of your depression, they're clearly there, by what you've written, but seems that the depression just doesn't allow you to fully experience them...


What do you do?


Well I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd get help for the depression and once that ball is rolling, well only then would I re-evaluate my relationship.

I see it differently.

I think that you can love someone with all of your heart but they still may not be the one. That doesn't make you a bad person. In love there are no guarantees. Just because she fell in love with you (but I get the feeling that you may not have quite the same feelings for her) doesn't mean you're a bad person. It happens all of the time.

Don't string her along if your feelings aren't there. Don't listen to everyone else who tells you that you should marry her. (Bad idea listening to what others think as they don't know the inner workings of a relationship!)

Since you're so inexperienced, I have the feeling that you think that because everything seems right on paper that this girl is perfect for you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. If the feelings aren't there, the feelings aren't there.

Charlie95, you mentioned that your girlfriend works abroad for a couple months at a time. I know very well how much being long distance puts a strain on a relationship - especially a relationship that also involves sex (I'm in a long distance relationship right now and I'm 20). I find myself overthinking at times and thinking of worst case scenarios that are mostly unfounded, and I have realized this is a product of missing my boyfriend a great amount... So in your case it could be also that you are overthinking because you miss her and wish she was around, it's up to you to ask yourself this question. I've had thoughts of how it would be to be with someone else when I have been really depressed. However, when I felt better about myself and had my normal amount of self-esteem I realized that I felt insecure about my boyfriend DUE to my depression stemming from other causes... Maybe it's something similar for you. You do sound like you have some feelings for this girl. Whether it's love or not is another question but I strongly believe that love takes time to develop. You have called her "amazing", "beautiful", "funny", "driven", and someone you can see spending your life with. She's helped you in the past with severe physical health issues and made a positive impact on your life. The fact that she's a couple of years older and more experienced with relationships shouldn't bring you down. Age differences in my opinion don't matter that much (especially ages that are as close together as yours and hers are). As for past relationships she's had, well, there's a reason she's done with them and with YOU now! There's this song I really like: "Listen to your heart, when he's calling for you... Listen to your heart, before you tell him goodbye" (well switch the him with her!) Good luck!

Thank you for your take on things, Ive never used any type of forum before but i have to say In just one day alone I have learnt alot on here.

I think your right in treating the symptoms of depression first and I found an interesting article on here: 15-common-defense-mechanisms (cant post link as Im new)
I suppose Ive never thought about it up until now but i think what i was afraid where sociapathic tendancies is actually a form of self Defense, the toning down of emotion i talked about i think is a form of Dissociation, especially when she is away I think I disengage from daily life in order to pass the time on and where ive not been well physically and not working it makes me feel better about things but as i spend so much time in this state I get depressed about time passing by so quickly and I dont know what im doing with my life, the negative thoughts are giving me doubts about the relationship. Having a word for it and realizing when im doing it is a step in the right direction I guess, does anyone have advice on how to deal with this? Im afraid of seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications because i feel like they can exacerbate things after experience with my mum who suffers depression and was later diagnosed with bipolar disorder and has been sectioned a number of times, I feel like my mum is more herself when shes not taking medication albeit a bit more erratic.
sorry to change the subject of this post but i think your right in treating the depression first. I Know shes right for me and maybe feeling better about myself will change these doubts im having.

Charlie95, I'm glad you found you learned a lot in just one day alone here. I found the same thing when I joined 2 months ago... I've been dealing with something somewhat similar (in terms of being in a long distance relationship) and what really helps me feel less depressed about it is thinking about plans for the future to live in the same city with my boyfriend again. Your girlfriend works abroad for months at a time - do you know if this will be the case for a long time? Could you potentially join her or see her more often? At least, during the time she's away do you find you communicate with her often enough?

Sadly, idk the answer to how not to dissociate, I do it too, most times unawares. When lost in the abyss of a depressive episode, I actively disengage from everyone except my daughter, and even remaining engaged with her is hard.


My friends, family and bf know I do this, in fact my bf suffers from bouts of depression and does this too. So during these times we just give each other a respectable amount of space...


I can only commiserate sorry, I have no answers