[NYPaperline]

I'm gonna try to keep the backstory brief. 12 years ago I met the most wonderful girl in the world. I was back in High School then, we started chatting and really hit it off. We spoke every day and got along perfectly. It was seriously magical every time we spoke. Well, being a dumb teenager, I never made a move. We had a stupid fight, and never spoke again. The end of 12th grade rolled around and we didn't even exchange numbers. And I've really been kicking myself ever since.

I ran into her about 2 years ago, she gave me her number and we spoke a bit. Long story, but it didn't really go anywhere.

Anyway, about a week and a half ago, I broke up with my (now) ex. Literally TWO HOURS after we broke up, I ran into the High School girl. She was asking me all sorts of questions "omg how is your family? how is your job going?!" asking me a bunch of questions about my job and stuff. But it was clear she was excited to be talking to me. We pretty much spoke all day. We met up and she seemed excited to see me again. We spoke for about 20 minutes and everything was going great. She had to run so I told her "Alright sounds good, we'll definitely link up sometime!" and she was like "Definitely! You have my number, call me anytime! I'm always around." Anyway, over the next few days we were speaking a bit... texting each other back and forth, commenting on each others' Facebook stuff and everything seemed to be going GREAT. I shot her a text "Hey, I just wanted to say Good Morning and hope you have a nice day at work"... no reply. I was like "Weird. Maybe she's busy." Shot her a text later in the evening... no reply. She hasn't posted on my Facebook, nothing. left a few comments on her Facebook posts. No replies. She literally just disappeared.

Now the funny thing is.. I mentioned that I ran into her a few years back, right? This is almost exactly what happened that time too. Things were going great, until they got to a certain level and it's like she just freaked out and backed away.

And I know people are gonna say "Oh maybe she's just busy.. give her a chance" but again, I really think she gets scared of being close. I know about her, and she's always chosen emotionally unavailable men even though she really wants closeness. Like, she is soon the classic woman dreaming of marriage and a white picket fence. Like she just wants to love and be loved for the rest of her life. And I think that's sweet. But truthfully, I don't trust anyone else with her. I know she's been hurt and heartbroken in the past and I can't watch it happen again.

I don't know what to do. I like this girl so much and I know deep down she likes me as well, but it seems like every time things are going great, something gets in the way.

[CANDC]

The something that gets in the way is she disappears. However nice they are in the beginning, it sounds like the fear of relationships or trauma from the past make relationships difficult or impossible for this person.

[healingme4me]

How long ago, was the last time that you spoke? Maybe the next time you reach her, see if she'd meet for coffee or lunch and ask what you've observed?

[scorpiosis37]

It seems like, since high school ended, you and this girl have only spoken a few times, after accidentally running into one another. If that's true, then you really don't know her very well anymore and you have no basis for deciding that she has a fear of intimacy or that she wants a white picket fence or that she chooses the wrong guys. Even if that is what other people have told you or what it seems like on facebook, unless you know her very well, those are all just rumors or assumptions. Honestly, it's a pretty condescending way to think about her. You have created an image of her in your head where you think she is fragile and needs your protection-- but that just isn't reality. If she wanted to see you, then she would make plans with you. Maybe she is just being polite when she runs into you. Or, maybe she is being genuine in the moment but already has a busy life and doesn't have the extra time or energy. You are totally free to follow up with her and ask to see her in person. But if she says no, that doesn't necessarily mean she is afraid of intimacy. I mean, it could mean that-- but there are dozens of other options as well. it could mean she isn't interested.

[Rose76]

You sound like the fearful one to me. What's holding you back from asking her on a date every time you two meet? Is it the case that you don't like to ask a girl out unless you feel reasonably sure she'll say yes? To some girls that is a turn-off. You seem to be the one who pussyfoots around even after she gives you an opening. Maybe she prefers guys who are more decisive and show more initiative. You are kind of waiting for her to slide into a relationship with you. Try taking a risk.

Maybe you are a guy who fears rejection. Maybe you deal with that by trying to engage women in a manner that you hope will lead to the both of you mutually asking each other for more involvement. It's like you're saying, "Hey we could be buddies!" when you really want more than that. And she's saying, "Yeah sure, let's just do that!" (while she's kind of thinking: "If you want a date, have the stones to say so.")

It may be a wild guess on my part, but her enthusiasm, followed by non-response sounds to me like she is telling you something.

BTW, you are saying you're willing to date her because you don't want to see her hurt? That sounds like you see yourself as doing her a favor. Women like to feel that it is the man who sees getting the date as the favor.

[chocaholic]

Have you tried sitting down with her and asking her what she wants from your relationship? This will require maturity. The first step is to ask yourself if you want this woman in your life, beside you, every step of the way, for the rest of your life.

Women can be weird. (So can men.) But it is true that most of us want a man who wants us and is willing to pursue us. I've spent time with men whose egos were so weak they could not bring themselves to ask me out. It brings out my mothering instinct. But that is not what I want in a husband. I want a strong partner for my life.

So, decide what you want - life partner, dates, or something else - then go ask her if that's what she wants, too.

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

How long ago, was the last time that you spoke? Maybe the next time you reach her, see if she'd meet for coffee or lunch and ask what you've observed?

I spoke with her a few days ago. But here's what happens. Her and I have GREAT conversations, and it seems like everything is going amazingly, then BOOM she stops replying to my messages. This happened last time. And then I'll message her like "You know what? I'll just leave you alone" and THEN she responds. She responds like "Noooo! I've been so busy! ____, _____, and _____ has been happening!" (Even though I just see her sitting on Facebook or playing Candy Crush.)

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by Rose76

You sound like the fearful one to me. What's holding you back from asking her on a date every time you two meet? Is it the case that you don't like to ask a girl out unless you feel reasonably sure she'll say yes? To some girls that is a turn-off. You seem to be the one who pussyfoots around even after she gives you an opening. Maybe she prefers guys who are more decisive and show more initiative. You are kind of waiting for her to slide into a relationship with you. Try taking a risk.

Maybe you are a guy who fears rejection. Maybe you deal with that by trying to engage women in a manner that you hope will lead to the both of you mutually asking each other for more involvement. It's like you're saying, "Hey we could be buddies!" when you really want more than that. And she's saying, "Yeah sure, let's just do that!" (while she's kind of thinking: "If you want a date, have the stones to say so.")

It may be a wild guess on my part, but her enthusiasm, followed by non-response sounds to me like she is telling you something.

BTW, you are saying you're willing to date her because you don't want to see her hurt? That sounds like you see yourself as doing her a favor. Women like to feel that it is the man who sees getting the date as the favor.

Like I said, this is the short version of the story. When I spoke to her a fw years ago I made it very very clear I was interested.

And I don't know I've never came from a culture where you ask poplin "dates." You just talk to them, hang out with them, and convey interest in them. The whole date thing has just always seemed so formal to me.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by NYPaperline

I spoke with her a few days ago. But here's what happens. Her and I have GREAT conversations, and it seems like everything is going amazingly, then BOOM she stops replying to my messages. This happened last time. And then I'll message her like "You know what? I'll just leave you alone" and THEN she responds. She responds like "Noooo! I've been so busy! ____, _____, and _____ has been happening!" (Even though I just see her sitting on Facebook or playing Candy Crush.)

Ok. She was playing candy crush...one of the most played apps. Are you only texting? What does she say when you ask her on dates? Dinners, movies, museums, etc?

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

You have created an image of her in your head where you think she is fragile and needs your protection-- but that just isn't reality.

How do you know? This girl IS fragile, trust me. She has an emotional breakdown like every week.

And I can tell the difference between interest and politeness. I am 1000% certain it was interest.

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Ok. She was playing candy crush...one of the most played apps. Are you only texting? What does she say when you ask her on dates? Dinners, movies, museums, etc?

When I told her "We gotta hangout sometime" she got very excited like "Yea definitely! You got my number! Message me anytime, I'm always around"

I'm in my late 20's. At least among all the people I know, "Dates" are kind of a thing of the past. It's too formal. None of my relationships have started with "dates."

We just talk, hang out, and a relationship forms or doesn't.

[healingme4me]

Is that method working out? I've only a decade on you...

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Is that method working out? I've only a decade on you...

For the most part, absolutely.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing.. i just don't really know anybody who does that anymore. Like all of my friends, my family.. their relationships didn't start like that.

[healingme4me]

But not with this one?

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

But not with this one?

Yea, but I'm just gonna change my wording a bit and instead of saying "Let's hang out" and say "let's go on a date" and everything will change? I mean if it were that simple then damn, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

But I'll compromise. I'm gonna send her a message reminding her I had a huge crush on her.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by NYPaperline

Yea, but I'm just gonna change my wording a bit and instead of saying "Let's hang out" and say "let's go on a date" and everything will change? I mean if it were that simple then damn, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

But I'll compromise. I'm gonna send her a message reminding her I had a huge crush on her.

Noooo. I don't believe the wording would change it. Naming a time and date could change it. Because it's more concrete and take charge.

[NYPaperline]

And another thing is people are jumping on my case because I said "fears intimacy," and I didn't even say that' I said I BELIEVE she does. I'm not sure, but given everything that's what it seems like. I'm open to other possibilities, but when I googled "fear of intimacy" the scenarios they described rang so perfectly true to me.

She didn't seem disinterested. I know damn well she's not actually THAT busy. I don't think she was only being friendly.

5 Ways to Deal with an Intimacy-Phobic Person | World of Psychology

"Have you ever met someone and got along famously, only to have them back off suddenly? Perhaps you reacted by ignoring them when they finally tried to get in touch a few weeks later, and now, ages later, are still wondering what happened.

There is a good chance that you simply became involved with a person who suffers from fear of intimacy."

"Intimacy-phobics are prone to suddenly pulling back just at the point a person who is comfortable with intimacy leans in."

That seems like EXACTLY what happens.

"If you’ve just spent a weekend away with a new friend and thought it went well, but they take ages to get back to your texts and emails, it could be that they are overwhelmed and taking time out to recover."

Yep.

"Intimacy-phobics can be experts at asking just the right questions to keep you talking about yourself. That way they don’t have to ever talk about themselves and can avoid uncomfortable subjects. They can give you such focused attention that you walk away feeling great and thinking it was a good conversation, not realizing that your friend didn’t share anything in return."

That's her to a T.



Here's another:

http://thepocketpsychologist.blogspo...and-mouse.html

"The truth is that these relationships reflect an unarticulated struggle that exists within the participants. They are both fearful of intimacy and their cat and mouse game allows them to engage in this unspoken dance, where each of them participates in maintaining a certain distance in the relationship. The truth is, unconsciously, the cat is interested in the mouse because it flees, and the mouse is interested in the cat because it chases. As long as one is fleeing and the other chasing, they can each be reassured of a connection between them, but also that a certain distance will be maintained."

And that's really what it seems like. It's like she's fine pursuing me, but the second I start moving toward her, she completely shuts down

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Noooo. I don't believe the wording would change it. Naming a time and date could change it. Because it's more concrete and take charge.

Yea, I would be totally fine with that if I could get her to respond long enough to set something like that up. That's really what I've been trying to do. I have a thing coming up this weekend that I would die if she attended.

[healingme4me]

Go for it

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by chocaholic

Have you tried sitting down with her and asking her what she wants from your relationship? This will require maturity. The first step is to ask yourself if you want this woman in your life, beside you, every step of the way, for the rest of your life.

This may be a good idea too. But again, when i say she shuts down, I mean I can't talk to her at ALL.

[scorpiosis37]

I think sometimes actions speak louder than words. This girl says to you: "I'm around anytime" but then when you text her, she ignores you and does not meet up with you. I would say that her actions are telling you she is not interested.

As a woman who is in your age bracket, I can also tell you that the way you talk to her would be considered a "turn off" by most of the women I know. You seem to be very passive aggressive. For instance, when she ignored your text, you responded by saying: "ok, I guess I'll just leave you alone then." That's a pretty immature way to respond. You also refuse to ask her on a date, but you "remind her of the big crush you had on her." That's also immature and passive aggressive. I don't know where you are located, but I live in the suburban US and, unless you ask a girl on a date, you are unlikely to ever "date" her. Formal dates are still very much a thing. The "hang out" was popular in high school, but not now that we are all adults. Unless you put some effort into courting a woman and prioritize her needs/wants, she is unlikely to consider you a potential suitor. The way you come across, at least on this forum, is insecure and shy and afraid to make a move. Most women want someone who is confident and will actually make an effort.

[NYPaperline]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I think sometimes actions speak louder than words. This girl says to you: "I'm around anytime" but then when you text her, she ignores you and does not meet up with you. I would say that her actions are telling you she is not interested.

As a woman who is in your age bracket, I can also tell you that the way you talk to her would be considered a "turn off" by most of the women I know. You seem to be very passive aggressive. For instance, when she ignored your text, you responded by saying: "ok, I guess I'll just leave you alone then." That's a pretty immature way to respond. You also refuse to ask her on a date, but you "remind her of the big crush you had on her." That's also immature and passive aggressive. I don't know where you are located, but I live in the suburban US and, unless you ask a girl on a date, you are unlikely to ever "date" her. Formal dates are still very much a thing. The "hang out" was popular in high school, but not now that we are all adults. Unless you put some effort into courting a woman and prioritize her needs/wants, she is unlikely to consider you a potential suitor. The way you come across, at least on this forum, is insecure and shy and afraid to make a move. Most women want someone who is confident and will actually make an effort.

Your replies are not helpful at all.

You are completely wrong about every single thing you've typed.

I know what girls like. Confident, direct, assertive, ballsy. This **** isn't rocket science. I'm very very very confident. Probably one of the most confident people you've ever met. Plus I've been in many serious relationships, and I've slept with dozens and dozens of women. I have never asked a woman on a "date," ever. Nor do I care to.





I'm from New York. We consider that cheesy and overly sentimental. You hang out with a girl then put your penis in her. Period.

When she said "I'm around anytime," she meant it. You shoulda seen the way this chick's eyes lit up and she got all excited. That's the whole point. This chick flip flops. She has no reason to be disinterested in me. I'm an attractive, successful, good looking guy and women always love me. The women I date generally are stunning. Like cream of the crop. Those are the types of women I'm used to. The woman I was with before all this, before me used to date Major League Ball Players, Actors, Musicians, etc. I've had women that are probably 10x hotter than you or your friends could probably ever hope to be wrapped so tightly around my finger that I lost circulation. I HIGHLY doubt any of your 'friends' would consider my a turn off. I'm not trying to be like "zomg I'm so cool" but I have no doubts in my ability to attract women.

I mean I will be honest, with this girl I do get a little nervous, which is something that never really happens to me with women. It's just because of the history I had with her that my body does pump out a little fight or flight response sometimes. I usually just push through it. But I don't know if i would call it FEAR. Yea... I have fears because I didn't go to her like "Hey wanna go out on a date?! I'll get my bow tie and bring you a box of chocolates and we'll hold hands and put our toes in the sand."

NOBODY I know does dates anymore.

Dude, she knows I'm interested in her because I told her a while ago. I've been completely open about that. I don't need to call something a "date," in order to convey interest.

You type the most asinine crap. Saying "Alright I'l leave you alone" is immature? First off, I don't even think that's what I said. That was paraphrasing. Honestly, that was a long time ago and at that point I DID think she was uninterested. So I shot her a message "Listen if you don't want to hear from me, you can just say so. I'm just not gonna type to you anymore." And she replied back RIGHT away sounding like she was gonna cry. "Omg why are you being like that? I never said I didn't want to hear from you. I've just been really really busy with work and all this." And then apologized 7 times.

I mean there is a possibility of disinterest, I just really doubt it. This chick has always liked me.

Anyway, if you're not gonna be helpful, go suck the air of a tire. I didn't come here for this sarcastic dog crap.

[NYPaperline]

Update: I sent her a message about the crush thing.. Totally worked

She was like "You did?" "I don't know why"

I'm like "you're too hard on yourself"

She's like "i know. i had an ex who really screwed me up. I'm in therapy now"

I told her "listen, when you don't reply I feel like you're blowing me off" and she apologized

Let's see what happens.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by NYPaperline

I'm from New York. We consider that cheesy and overly sentimental. You hang out with a girl then put your penis in her. Period.

Anyway, if you're not gonna be helpful, go suck the air of a tire. I didn't come here for this sarcastic dog crap.

Clearly, your attitude towards towards women is delightful. What woman wouldn't want to be treated like a hole for you to put your penis in?

Perhaps you can find a better use for your time than calling me names and insulting me; it's not very becoming. After all, I was trying to help you out by suggeststing that you develop a more mature and respectful attitude towards women. Women respond to others who treat them well and make them feel special; not people who objectify them. By resonding to my post with name calling and talking about how you always find a place to put your penis, you only proved my point. You proved that you are still too immature to attract the kind of woman you say that you want.

[TheWell]

I'm going to close this thread while the team discusses if it's against the Community Guidelines.