Need advice on minor incident in new relationship that led me to feel insecure.

My boyfriend and I have been together since November, and made it official in January, breaking my wall down and letting myself be in a relationship was somewhat difficult given my past of being hurt. So we began this relationship and everything has went wonderfully and I am positive he is the one for me. In March, a girl had told him I was seeing someone else, which I was not. He had gone through this before in a past relationship and became upset (was also drinking at the time he had heard this, when I saw him later on everything seemed fine and he never mentioned it. A few days later he asked about it and I told him it wasn't true, he said he knew it couldn't be. He then asked again seeming more concerned a couple weeks later and I promised it it wasn't. So a few weeks later I had a strange feeling, and checked his text and looked at only one, it was a girl he had casually dated before me, he had texted her inappropriate things for a couple days following the night he had heard I had been seeing someone else. I confronted him, obviously very upset, he said he was just feeling horrible about what he had heard and instead of talking to me about it he let it hurt him and he reached out to someone from his past, promising nothing physical ever would have happened. And I believe him. We spend all of our free time outside of work together and he treats me very well, I know he would never cheat. So we were able to move past that, but ever since I have been very insecure and I've begun stressing out about his past relationships. It keeps me up at night and I am terrified that something like this will happen again. I do not think it will, I think I am thinking the worst and looking too much into everything. He feels awful and makes sure I am okay at all times because he knows I am struggling. I just don't know how to get past it. Please help!

Hi Lauren. Welcome to Psych Central (PC). I am sorry you are have challenges in your relationship. It seems like you need more than just advice which I am not sure what to give anyway. Relationships always have the good times and the uncertainty of them ending.

A therapist that specializes in your area of challenge can be a help also. Possibly a psychiatrist to confirm diagnosis and prescribe meds that can stabilize your emotions so they are not keeping you up at night.

Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems though still there are more manageable. There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Lauren!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. In your case, all you can do is trust that your boyfriend will not cheat. Trust is hard when you've had it broken. Ask him to continue to help you trust him. Therapy as suggested already, would help greatly. Best wishes.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

It's the lying I would be more concerned with than the cheating. Do you catch him lying in other areas of his life? Does it feel like he's trying to get over on you?

I'm not you, of course, but if it hit me as hard as it's saying it hit you, I'd call it a deal breaker. The guy screwed up. He should never make you feel like that's okay for him to do. He knew it was wrong or he wouldn't have hid it from you. If he's making you feel like it's wrong for you to have feelings about his behavior, then he's the one that's in the wrong.

You have to accept how you really feel to deal with it. Trying to pretend it's okay when it's not isn't going to work. You have to mourn the idea that you have some perfect relationship. No relationship is perfect. You've discovered where the hole is in yours.

Now you have to decide, is it a deal breaker or not? If it is, you know what to do. If it isn't, then you have to let yourself feel the pain so you can get past it.

Agree with the above post 100%


Would just like to add, that aside from the lying, the instantaneous inclination to turn to another instead of turn to me and make sure we sort shyt out, that would be a huge no no for me.

Especially when romance is still in its budding stages....

Thank you for your reply. He's very open about everything including his past relationships. Truly believe he is genuine and will always be honest with me, he really does share everything with me about his past. It was just a couple drunken text and it is something I can get past, he knows he messed up. I think that is is more of a problem in my own mind, I get insecure in relationships which is why I avoided them for so long but I feel very strongly about him and will not let this end it. It is more of a battle with my own mind I need to figure out.

I would also like to add that I have been in many relationships and I am pretty good at catching onto ******** and I never put it with it. I am confident he is a good guy who made a bad decision, he knows he should have confronted me about the rumor he heard about me instead of reaching out to someone else. I would not waste my time if I didn't think he could be the one for me.