[jumpinjivinjoe]

Hello I have a wonderful relationship with a woman. We have been together for 12 months.

Her ex-lover now has a wife and child on the way. They recently moved to my girlfriend's neighborhood. My girlfriend is now great friends with her ex-lover's pregnant wife.

My concern is that she might help take care (baby-sit) their child once it's born.
It makes me feel weird if she were to take care of her exe's child. It means she is too close and tight with her ex. It also means she would project "mother" energy to her exe's child which is not mine. It feeds my sub-conscious archetypes. I feel like historically, in human history, when your girlfriend takes care of her exes child, it ain't a good thing.

I brought up this concern with her last night, and she had trouble understanding why that would bother me. She didn't see what the big deal was.
I said it was very important to me, indeed I have never stopped her from doing anything, but this is one thing that would eat me emotionally.
Ultimately she says I am more important than her friend, so she will respect my request.

So my question is:

I am wrong to feel weird about my girlfriend potentially helping take care of her exe's child?

Do you think historical archetypes confirm my unease?

[CANDC]

Hi jumpinjivinjoe. Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you are struggling with a relationship and family problem. The problem is that your gf may be fulfilling her native mother instinct of being drawn to a baby. Many woman instinctively are drawn to the baby.

It is a little freaky having her hang out with her ex for fear she may feel old attractions, but by keeping away she also may resent you for keeping her from sharing the baby experience with another woman. This could be a greater risk.

This is something he will have to work out. I worry about you being put off your own life unfolding. Try to get positive things going like exercise or yoga, working, school or whatever is in your life plan. Start to make other friends so you are not so centered on the one person. You sound awfully dependent on gf and afraid you might lose her.

People here at PC may also have a therapist to talk things out.

Besides being an active participant in helping oneself at Psych Cental, many people also help support each other by replying to other people's posts. Many people who are actively involved in Psych Central find it helps take them out of their own problems to develop empathy for others. And their problems are more manageable the more they help others.

Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[divine1966]

I don't think it is appropriate to take care of ex's children on a regular basis (if that's what you think she plans on doing).

As on and off keep in touch and so on it is ok. I am friends with my ex bf's adult daughter and see her and a her two babies. Well I am also friends with ex. But if he had children with a new women babysitting them would be weird.

I am friends with ExHusband as well and like his kids a lot as well as his new wife , but his kids are our daughter's younger siblings, which is not the same as some random kids, and I am not regularly babysitting them.

Bottom line if she has no kids with this man it is a bit weird to babysit his children. I understand being friendly as I am too but this is a bit much

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[Bill3]

It sounds like she is close with the wife, not with the ex.

Are you saying that she must never help out her friend with child care, never even be with the friend and baby together? How much of her time with friend and baby is okay with you?

What do you fear happening if she were to help out with child care?

[CosmicRose]

Maybe its just me, but I find that whole situation to be weird, weird not only for you but weird for her, weird for the pregnant wife, and weird for the ex. I wonder why she's so close and involved in her ex's life? I have a lot of ex's that I tried to remain friends with (never really works) and I'd feel uncomfortable if I got that involved in their lives. But that's just me - I guess some people feel differently. You should express your concerns to your girlfriend and try to understand why she's still involved in her ex's life. It's one thing to still be friends, but being friends with your ex's new wife/girlfriend? That's a little odd to me. Maybe she's just very outgoing and friendly? Usually though, no matter how nice an ex is, it's best to just move on and not remain close regardless of the circumstance. So I'd just talk to her about it if I were you.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Bill3

It sounds like she is close with the wife, not with the ex.

Are you saying that she must never help out her friend with child care, never even be with the friend and baby together? How much of her time with friend and baby is okay with you?

What do you fear happening if she were to help out with child care?

I wonder what op would answer to this. He might be worried too much ahead of time. I personally imagined her becoming regular babysitter a nanny to this kid, that would be weird. Then she would be spending large chunk of her life with the ex. But just friendly here and there isn't a big deal.

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[divine1966]

Originally Posted by CosmicRose

Maybe its just me, but I find that whole situation to be weird, weird not only for you but weird for her, weird for the pregnant wife, and weird for the ex. I wonder why she's so close and involved in her ex's life? I have a lot of ex's that I tried to remain friends with (never really works) and I'd feel uncomfortable if I got that involved in their lives. But that's just me - I guess some people feel differently. You should express your concerns to your girlfriend and try to understand why she's still involved in her ex's life. It's one thing to still be friends, but being friends with your ex's new wife/girlfriend? That's a little odd to me. Maybe she's just very outgoing and friendly? Usually though, no matter how nice an ex is, it's best to just move on and not remain close regardless of the circumstance. So I'd just talk to her about it if I were you.

I am friends with most of my exes. Some people think it is too much. But that's how I am. Maybe this girl is the same way.

I am very friendly with my ex husbands wife too, but the thing is she is our daughters stepmother. She is in our daughters life. Not some random situation. I love their kids they are adorable! But I wouldn't be their babysitter as it would require regularly intruding on their life.

I think op just thinks she will be babysitting. Maybe she never will. None of my friends ever babysat for me. Only relatives

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[hvert]

I think there are different kinds of exes. I have dated people briefly, learned that isn't really right for us, and kept up a friendship with them or their new partners.

I have no idea what historical archetypes suggest that taking care of a friend's child is a bad thing. Perhaps she has some other history with this ex that makes you feel the way you do. On the surface, it is not something that would bother me.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central jumpinjivinjoe!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I can understand your discomfort jumpin. I wouldn't want my special someone involved in the life of his ex. I'm not saying it would be right or wrong. But I personally wouldn't appreciate it.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by jumpinjivinjoe

.
It makes me feel weird if she were to take care of her exe's child.

It means she is too close and tight with her ex.

It also means she would project "mother" energy to her exe's child which is not mine. It feeds my sub-conscious archetypes.

So my question is:

I am wrong to feel weird about my girlfriend potentially helping take care of her exe's child?

Do you think historical archetypes confirm my unease?

If your Jungian subconscious is uncomfortable, then go with your gut.

As though she wishes that they were sharing in the experience? Is that what you mean about projecting her maternal side?

Who was friends first, in this scenario? Was she friends with the expecting mom, long before her ex entered the picture?

Or do you worry about triangulation of the three of them?
Edit: of course had they not been friends prior, the expecting mom might instinctively keep distance, making this moot

[Rose76]

You're not wrong. This friendship between your girl and her ex's wife is inappropriate. It's great for her to be pleasant to this couple when she runs into them, but she has no business visiting their home. The ex's wife must be kind of a moron.