Relationship with Mom/I can't move out

Hey everyone,
I'm twenty-one years old, and I live with my divorced mother and two siblings while going to school. I'm having some major problems that I don't know how to solve, mainly with my relationship with my mother.
1. My mother likes to lean on me and use me for emotional support. While I don't mind her telling me her problems, it's gotten to an awkward point where, if I spend time with friends and come home late, she pouts and asks "why are you never home anymore? Do you just not like me? Why don't you spend time with me?" And she will sink into this depressive state for DAYS. She has really struggled with depression since her divorce two years ago, and won't seek help. She universalizes every problem and blows everything WAY out of proportion (example: me spending a night with friends=I hate her).
2. Differing beliefs: my mother is a Christian and I'm an Atheist. That pretty much says it all right there, right? For example, I'm an adult in a serious relationship and I see nothing wrong with staying a couple nights at my boyfriend's house. Except that I know it would crush my mother. She knows I'm an atheist, but she can't stand to see any evidence of it. She says it makes her feel like she failed as a mom. So I try to protect her from the knowledge of my intimate life and make excuses about where I've been. Which I hate doing because I hate lying. But I also want the freedom to spend time with my boyfriend when I want to without feeling like a sixteen-year-old with a curfew. Is it wrong for me to spend nights with him when I'm still living at home? This brings me to my next point:
3. I CAN'T AFFORD TO MOVE OUT. This is driving me crazy. I save money, and it all goes to school and car payments. I could move out if I drop out of school, but I don't want to do that. I feel inadequate and pathetic because I can't get my finances together. I feel stupid having to answer to my mom when I have this NEED to be on my own. I'm a very independent person, and I hate having to constantly explain my actions and whereabouts. I understand that I need to respect her house rules: I clean up after myself, I'm respectful to her and to my siblings. But I don't need her to monitor my life, and I don't think she understands that. I don't want to hurt her, and I want to make my own decisions. But I can't because I can't afford to live anywhere else. Does anyone have any advice for how I can find some balance here?

I hear ya Rayne, my mom likes to drink and my dad isn't around much. This makes my mom take it personally when my sis and I have our own lives. We are expected to go to school, do well, pay for just about everything and somehow spend all our free time with her. The balance is to make sure you are okay and happy then spend energy and time that you have left over. This may be little to none right now since you are working so hard to free yourself. It sounds like you are in a similar situation to mine even though it was from different circumstances. It is very frustrating feeling like you're being told to "grow up" and yet at the same time not given any stability. I've also dealt with differences between religion, but again the difference being it was an ex not my mom. The only thing to do there is not listen to judgement and just try to be yourself imo. It'll be a bit tough till you move out so feel free to msg me if you need to

I assume youre doing something so you dont get pregnant, right?

Okay then. Just be considerate and tell her ahead of time that you wont be home that night, or that you WILL be home for supper or whatever. No discussion about it, just put a calendar in the kitchen and say heres my schedule, now everybody knows. Personally it drives me crazy to have to report to somebody about when i'll be home - like im going grocery shopping and to the library - i'll be back tonight, i really doubt im getting kidnapped. But then im old and crabby.

Rayne, I empathize with your situation. I'm 20 and I know what it feels like to live with parents (or a parent - as in your situation) who does not allow you to go out whenever you'd like. Just like you I can't afford to move out but wish that I could while I complete college.

Do you anticipate a lot of time left until you can finally move out? Are you almost done college? Does your boyfriend live by himself - could you potentially move in with him or with a close friend? Would you even consider moving in with your boyfriend or is it too early still? Just some questions to think about...

What your mom is doing is unacceptable. You deserve your independence as a 21 year old as you seem like a responsible person who respects your mother and siblings. She needs to stop taking things out of proportion and placing any guilt or anger left over from the divorce onto you. That is a separate issue she needs to address herself.

You've mentioned your mom won't seek help. Have you attempted to ask her to consider seeing a psychologist or counsellor? Maybe look into possibilities in your area (free ones to start with if money is an issue) and then propose your mom attends a session and that if she'd like you can attend with her.

Hey Rayne,

I too emphasize and completely feel your frustration. I'm 36, and moved back home with my mother in 2012, after my father passed away in 2010. My mother does a lot of the same things to me as well, and like you, I cannot afford to move out and live my own life the way I want.

After getting a lot of feedback about my issues with my mom here on the forums, talking with a therapist, and even friends and family who aware of my situation, it ultimately comes down to finances. Like you, money keeps us tied to our parent(s), especially in this economic climate. With that comes co-dependence on both sides; and a depressed mother who also uses religion doesn't help the situation either. Again, like you, I'm also an atheist who lives with a religious parent. They definitely use that sort of thing against you, and because it's religion, there's no rational compromise; you can't reason with someone who ultimately has such differing beliefs when religion is the backbone of their life.

What you need to do, as it's the same thing I'm doing, is trying to get my life in order one day at a time. Change needs to come, which means start saving money, even if it's a little bit at a time. Once you have financial freedom and you're able to have enough saved up to get you moved out, it will help immensely.

You said you keep/protect her from the knowledge of your intimate life with your boyfriend. Smart move. Again, religion is definitely playing a part what she thinks about how you should go about having a relationship. It was the key thing that started the fallout with my mom, thus me ending a relationship with a woman because it didn't adhere to her approval. It seems that a lot of mothers look at their children in relationships as betrayal and cheating; you're supposed to give them all your love and attention, and they don't understand why you would want to have an intimate relationship outside of what you have with them. It's pretty much emotional incest. And sex is the ultimate betrayal. My mother still thinks I'm a virgin, and she told me that if I wasn't one, she'd disown me from her life. Thus, I keep her in the dark. It's none of her business, as it's none of your mom's business either.

It's going to sting and hurt like hell, and will probably cause a lot of damage in the process, but if you want a life of your own, you're going to have to move out and keep your mother away from certain things in your life. From what I've researched and have gathered from others, that sometimes it's just what a parent like yours needs; seeing that you need your own independence and that you can fully function without them can sometimes send a jolt through them that wakes them up out of their shell, which can lead to them being less controlling over you, and not making you feel so guilt ridden. But it can also do the opposite. But at the end of the day, it's your life. You can't spend the rest of your life constantly fulfilling to her needs and demands. If you do that, you'll spend the rest of it hating yourself and her, and one day you'll wake up and your life will be over.

It sounds as if your mother can physically and financially manage on her own, therefore you leaving shouldn't cause you to feel bad about doing so. If it's all emotional with her, she needs to tackle that herself, and deal with you being an adult. If you don't do something about it now, it'll only get worse. As I said, I'm 36, and my mother treats me as if I was 16. I never took a stand or full responsibility for myself until I realized it was to late, and now look where I'm at; I'm not allowed to date or have a relationship, curfews, financial control. It's not how an adult should live his or her life.

Take action, that's all I can recommend.

My solution to not living with ones parents is work full time and go to school part time paying for it with the loans, or go to school full time but take a loan etc I never lived with my parents beyond high school. I worked and went to school at night sure it took me longer but no way I was living at home. I am not a failure in life lol I have a masters degree and life long career. I don't mean to sound unsupportive I do sympathize as my dad is very difficult but there are always other options. If you choose to live with your parents then I don't see how you can complain?

Now there are of course special circumstances and those I understand. Having health issues that makes one unable to live alone and work and when kids move their elderly or ill parents in. This I understand. In other cases there is always other option. One doesn't need to drop out of school unless they live with their parents. Plenty of adults go to school. And have no parents or don't live with them

Good luck

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