[JakesMom333]

So, you could say this is "my fault" or whatever but i need help...

not that im trying to change my husband, but maybe im doing something wrong but i dont know.

So, i feel like im not wanted by my husband anymore.....like he doesnt flirt with me, he isnt spontaneous(?), hes not romantic, nothing. Now, he wasnt EXACTLY like that in the beginning, but he was very protective (which is a major turn on for me, but not like in a commanding way but like a if he thinks a guy was flirting with me, he would step inbetween and like tell him to backoff and whatnot). But anyway, like i feel like he doesnt (okay EGO TIME HERE) treat me like a princess/queen. I get nothing. Like we will have like "our time" together and whatnot, but hes selfish even when it comes to that. Like, he wants things a certain way, and he wants to be stimulated first, and im always on top....(PS - not that you people really needed to know that but still). But i mean its like a STUGGLE to get him to uh.....PLEASURE me. I have to like practically beg or like do whatever for him to have him even consider doing that for me.

He wont randomly take me on dates, he doesnt text me randomly or anything. Its gotten to the point to where if a special date comes up, and like gifts are involved, i dont expect anything from him.

I feel like i do everything for him and he says its because im the wife and i need to do that anyway.....like i basically take care of our son the whole time (if hes not in daycare while im at work), i do the dishes, i clean the house, i pay the bills (we both work), and i dont know, i just feel like im (okay this is going to sound bad) like a sister to him or something. Like i got nothing.......i dont understand......

Can someone explain if i am doing something wrong or its him?

[arundelle]

Buy a vibrator. You'll get what you need, and it might make him want to take over again.

[JakesMom333]

im being serious...i need like a legit answer please.

[arundelle]

That's a legit answer! If you're less needy, he won't feel pressured, and maybe you can meet in the middle.

[nicoleflynn]

We all deserve/expect to have our needs met. Have you talked to him? Couples counseling would be helpful; if he won't go, go for yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Do you suspect there is someone else (sorry for that question), but when people change drastically, there is a reason. You are doing everything.....and he isn't...as you said, he is "selfish"---so wrong. You will begin to resent him (if you already don't)....a marriage should be about respect, love, etc.......

[JakesMom333]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

We all deserve/expect to have our needs met. Have you talked to him? Couples counseling would be helpful; if he won't go, go for yourself. You aren't doing anything wrong. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. Do you suspect there is someone else (sorry for that question), but when people change drastically, there is a reason. You are doing everything.....and he isn't...as you said, he is "selfish"---so wrong. You will begin to resent him (if you already don't)....a marriage should be about respect, love, etc.......

I know for a fact there is no one else. He never leaves the house, unless its to go to work.

It really hasnt drastically changed or anything. He was kinda like that before we were married, but its like completely shut off for about a year and a half now.

I dont resent him at all, i just feel like im litterally(?) doing all the work....in every aspect and i dont understand.

[Rose76]

I understand what you are saying. It is demoralizing. Unfortunately, this is a hard situation to turn around. You're a giver and he's a taker.

One thing I would do is praise the heck out of him whenever he happens to do something right. Beyond that, you may have to try learning to be less giving. Maybe, make your willingness to attend to his needs more dependent on what effort he puts forth.

Also, try to get involved in activities that might put you around other couples. Then let him know how you notice and admire guys who are more giving toward their wives. It would do him good to have some role models he could imitate. I'll bet his own father was this way, so he's probably grown up thinking this is normal.

I disagree with the comment that you are being needy. But I would consider incorporating the vibrator into your bedtime interactions. Guys are usually very aroused by a woman's arousal. So if he sees you responding to the gadget, he might get more interested in doing what it takes to get that response from you.

If you are putting in a work week as long as his, then he should be helping with housework. Start giving him some jobs. Start small.

Also, make it understood that things like flowers on Valentine's Day are an expectation. I know you would rather be surprised than have to ask, but this is about reconditioning his mind to a new and better sense of what is normal in a marriage. Also, surprise him with little special (inexpensive) gifts now and then . . . and the occasional love note. He is totally taking you for granted, and you've allowed that, so he thinks it's okay. Gradually raise the bar on what you expect. And praise any improvement he makes.

[ChipperMonkey]

JakesMom,

I honestly don't think you are "needy". You simply want to feel loved, and you DO deserve that!

Have you considered couples counseling? I think that may be a good way to go, because it takes two to tango, and you doing all the work to "fix" your marriage isn't going to be enough. He needs to put in effort, too.

[JakesMom333]

Originally Posted by ChipperMonkey

JakesMom,

I honestly don't think you are "needy". You simply want to feel loved, and you DO deserve that!

Have you considered couples counseling? I think that may be a good way to go, because it takes two to tango, and you doing all the work to "fix" your marriage isn't going to be enough. He needs to put in effort, too.

He doesnt think that there is anything wrong.....he doesnt like to be told he is wrong either.

[Webgoji]

In my opinion, he needs to step up.

But I want to be very clear, you're not doing anything wrong and this situation isn't about being right or wrong.

He's always been distant, but as you said, it's gotten worse lately. Since he's always been that way, it's not going to be easy for him and he's not going to be able to change overnight.

Personally I think you both need to go to couple's counseling, but not to fix either of you. You need to be able to get on each other's page. We don't change a behavior if there's no benefit so if you both get on the same page, he can see how helping out with dishes or being more assertive in the bedroom will benefit him.

But again, it will take time since you guys didn't start out exactly huggy, snuggly, lovey anyway. Oh, and I wouldn't start dictating anything. At least for me that would make things worse.

[Dan208]

I'm kind of in the same situation as you, only reversed. I do realize that my wife works quite a bit, usually averaging about 10 hours of overtime a week here recently, and she does pay the bills, but it seems like I do everything else. Or, the things that she does do, she starts and never finishes (unfinished laundry, leaving the vacuum sitting in the middle of the floor, etc). Sometimes I really feel unappreciated.

As far as intimacy, our relationship has never been based on sex, but I do feel like I need physical relations (and I enjoy it, of course). She doesn't feel good about her body, and I've tried many things over the years to help, but it has never worked.

[nicoleflynn]

You will have to make a decision whether you want to live the rest of your life with your needs unmet, since it is doubtful he will change.