So how long SHOULD I wait, before dating again?

I've been reading a number of blogs, advice sites and other resources and they all say that you should start dating again, after the death of a spouse, when you feel you are ready.

That is all good and well, but I'm running into an issue that the time I feel I should wait and what the rest of society thinks, appears to be worlds apart.

I admit that it's only been just over three months and I'm NOT ready to get involved with someone again. Still sorting out my thoughts and my feelings for my departed wife are still too strong to set aside, to focus on someone else.

However whenever I talk with anybody about the idea of dating I get the usual...

"What? She's only just past. You shouldn't be dating yet!"

... or something to that effect.

Don't want to put myself on a schedule, but I think by the end of this year I should be in a better place to consider a relationship. However everybody else thinks I should be waiting at least 2 to 3 years before I start.

So the problem is, if I do start dating by years end, every prospect will probably feed me the same "you should wait" line. Which will lead to rejection, disappointment, depression and the fracturing of my already fragile psyche. I really want to avoid this, but if I have to wait it out until society thinks it acceptable for me to date, then so be it.

But... how long IS that time?

Is the 2 to 3 years I'm being told over and over again, accurate?

I was told that after any long term relationship or marriage at least one year has to pass. I don't think 2-3 years is a rule. But I didn't listen to my t about waiting at least a year and kept getting involved with wrong men.

If you don't wait long enough you not going to find right person as you didn't heal and will not attract healthy people. I wouldn't care what society thinks just what's good for you. One year sounds fine and reasonable to me. Good luck

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think you're worrying about this preemptively (I do the same thing all the time). You have no idea yet whether or not you'll be ready by then anyway. Besides, I feel like you tend to meet someone when you're supposed to meet someone, whether that's in two months or two years I can't say. Don't force yourself into dating…which sort of sounds like what you want to do from your post. Maybe that's why you're getting the reactions you're getting? People see you're clearly not ready yet and yet you're talking about dating already.

To answer your last question, it's however long you need. If a date tries to dictate to you how you should feel and how you should live your life (as in saying "you should wait"), then that's probably not someone you want to get involved with in the first place.

Ripperjack,
The traditional period of morning was a year but that was quite some time ago. I would say if the person's response is that is too soon as opposed to oh, I am so sorry for your pain and loss, it may not be the right person as opposed to the right time.
The pain and loneliness that can come with loss is overwhelming and is something each person deals with differently so when you feel you are healed and ready it will be the right time. And with the right woman, she can be respectful of your pain and loss, which you will always have as part of your past.
Take things on your timeline and the opinions of others should not dictate your path.
I am sorry for your loss and hope you are finding some peace and solace in the memories.
Take care of yourself.

I don't know a good timeline, I do know that being in a vulnerable state 'could' bring forth an unhealthy gravitation. Then again, grief is different for everyone.

I'm sorry you lost your wife. The standard time is one year, which makes sense to me. Stop telling people about what you might do. You're setting people up to say unhelpful things to you. What they think is really beside the point.

Go on a date whenever you feel you really want to.

I have a dear friend who lost his wife about 4 years ago. He started dating about a year afterwards & he met this wonderful lady. I liked her from the beginning & their relationship grew. We have a very close church family & all were supportive though several thought it was "too soon" for him to get remarried. I have grown to know his new wife as a very dear friend of mine now.

I don't think there is a real time span after the first year of going through the grief & getting back to some sort of alone life style that becomes the NEW normal.......but after that point, if there is someone who really would enjoy being with.....go for it.

It's a totally individual thing & there is NO RIGHT OR WRONG timing. Some people aren't meant to be alone while there are others of us who wouldn't remarry EVER.....or at least would have to be hit over the head with a baseball bat to make us realize that yes, this guy is really the right person.

Alone can definitely become a way of life that one comes to enjoy especially if the marriage wasn't a good one. It does seem that guys especially who have been in a good marriage are more open to getting married again after the death of a spouse.

I would think that the person who's lost the loved one would be the best judge of that.

You, and only you, will know when it "feels" right.

Be it a month, a year, 3 to 5 years, or never ... None of them are wrong if it feels right to you.

There are benefits to learning to be alone. You are in a vulnerable state right now, having had a loving partner, and grieving for the loss, while at the same time thinking about the possibility of a potential new partner. Be careful.

It would be ideal for you to be in a social group in which you can find and bond with friends first, rather than immersing yourself into the dating world.
It's a rat race, let me tell ya!, and there a lot of predators out there, just looking for someone vulnerable and kind. (I've been there, done that!)
Not to say you should be wary and cynical, but you have to take care of yourself first. If this means waiting a while as you adjust to singlehood, then maybe that is the wise thing to do. In the meantime, find good friends.

I think the majority of people expect someone to start dating after the loss of a loved one fairly soon, which I never really understood. My neighbor lost his wife to brain cancer and literally less than a year later he remarried. I always found that to be odd. But it really is a personal decision and only you know when you'll be ready. Just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, and not to cover up your grief. Some people date really soon because the grief is so much that they need someone else really soon to cover up the pain. So really ask yourself when you're ready to date again, you'll know if it feels right or not. You don't have to wait 2-3 years. Just take your time with it.

Hey,
I think you should do whatever the hell you want. Why? Because it's your life!

I also think that getting out there would be good for you, and sometimes it can help you realize whether you are "ready" or not.

Don't let others put a time-frame on your happiness, as they aren't the ones living your life. You are. And you are in total control.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wife, and I wish you the best.

I agree completely with the above.