[rr13]

I recently started hanging out with a guy I know from a group of mutual friends (I'm a female). It started out with him thinking he may want to date me (I didn't know about this until later, I just wanted to be friends). Then he changed his mind and decided we were better off as friends. We hung out and texted for the next couple months, but since April all I get when I ask him to hang out is "I'm busy". It went from details about what he was doing to just I'm busy to not answering at all. He posted a very nice birthday wish to my Facebook page a few weeks ago and did answer a text I sent that was just asking a question and not asking him to hang out, so he is still talking to me I guess, he just doesn't want to see me. I don't know if I've done something or if maybe he thinks I like him more than a friend now or what. I've been told by a couple friends to give him space, but since I don't know what the problem is, I wonder how more time is going to change anything. I'm very impatient as well and just want an answer so I can either move on or try and fix the friendship. I thought about sending an email asking what happened. Is this a good idea or should I just keep giving him more space? This really is killing me, especially since we have mutual friends. I'm avoiding a dinner tonight that he's going to because I know it will be awkward for me.

[gayleggg]

I would send him an email and ask what's going on, as you need closure. I think the least he could do was explain what's going on.

[convalescence]

rr13, I would ask him for answers in anyway possible before jumping to conclusions. Sometimes things happen to people that make them push others away. Maybe consider going to that dinner so that you can ask him face to face? Just a suggestion.

[avlady]

i agree with gaylegg,

[divine1966]

Ask him what happened.. If he isn't willing to answer then time to move on. The fact that he didn't want to date and just wanted to be friends might be kind of the answer here. He might have a gf now or is looking for one and hanging out with female friends is getting complicated. He might not know what to tell you. Just ask

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[rr13]

I didn't go to the dinner because I couldn't afford the place they were going to. I'm kind of glad I didn't go now. One of my friends who did go, emailed me last night saying that guy spent the whole night flirting and talking to one of the other girls in our group. I don't know that cornering him in person would have been a good idea anyway. He may have just gotten defensive and it would have made it worse.

Well, this guy actually has a lot of female friends. He also still hung out with me when he was dating other women, so I really think it just has something to do with me personally or something that I did or said the last time I saw him, but I don't know what that could be. The only thing I can think of is I've been depressed for a while and the last time I saw him I was having a bad day and probably dumped on him more than I should have.

[quietincrowd]

rr13 this probably has nothing to do with you but is still painful. I was recently dumped by someone close to me in a text, no real explanation just a lame excuse that they had never even mentioned over the past year. It is difficult because we spend so much time trying to figure out what we did wrong, especially when we care for someone.
If you were your true self trying to be kind and honest then you did nothing wrong. There are just some people in our lives that are not at the same place we are and need to move on.
Hope you find some peace with this.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by rr13

I didn't go to the dinner because I couldn't afford the place they were going to. I'm kind of glad I didn't go now. One of my friends who did go, emailed me last night saying that guy spent the whole night flirting and talking to one of the other girls in our group. I don't know that cornering him in person would have been a good idea anyway. He may have just gotten defensive and it would have made it worse.


Well, this guy actually has a lot of female friends. He also still hung out with me when he was dating other women, so I really think it just has something to do with me personally or something that I did or said the last time I saw him, but I don't know what that could be. The only thing I can think of is I've been depressed for a while and the last time I saw him I was having a bad day and probably dumped on him more than I should have.

Maybe it does have to do something with you or maybe not. My t says it is pointless to wonder why people do what they do. Just focus on what you do. Why is this guy so important. You says it is recent and not a relationship just hang out. You might need to let it go for your own sake

I know it is not easy and I feel for you.

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[rr13]

Even though I've only known him a short time, it's important because he was supportive and encouraging and believed in me. He pushed me to do better than what I was doing. I've never had that before. I've never had anyone give a rats *** what happened to me, not even my own parents. I've spent my whole life believing I'm worthless and can never do more than what I'm doing because that's what everyone in my life has said to me or showed me. No one has ever cared what I did. So to have someone come along and actually care what happens to you and believe you can do better means a lot. I just don't want to lose that. With him pulling away, all it does is show me once again that I'm not worth anyone caring about.

Originally Posted by rr13

Even though I've only known him a short time, it's important because he was supportive and encouraging and believed in me. He pushed me to do better than what I was doing. I've never had that before. I've never had anyone give a rats *** what happened to me, not even my own parents. I've spent my whole life believing I'm worthless and can never do more than what I'm doing because that's what everyone in my life has said to me or showed me. No one has ever cared what I did. So to have someone come along and actually care what happens to you and believe you can do better means a lot. I just don't want to lose that. With him pulling away, all it does is show me once again that I'm not worth anyone caring about.

It's not nice behaviour to walk away from someone without explaining why, I have had it happen a couple of times in my life to me and I'm ashamed to admit in the past I did it to others a couple of times. Whatever the reason is the other person is always left wondering why.

Please know that in all likelihood this reflects upon him so much more than you, he hasn't had the decency to explain his actions and reasons (which may well be disconnected to you). Your worth is not measured by others opinions and treatments of you, true self-worth is something you can build within yourself. You might find the self esteem forum here helpful with that.

Here is a link on that forum to a thread on self-compassion which I found very insightful:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/steps...ompassion.html

[rr13]

Thank you for the link. I need all the help I can get. It's hard to erase the tapes that have been playing in your head for 30 plus years that say you're worthless overnight.

I definitely lack self compassion. I've felt overwhelmed and pretty much paralyzed from being so upset over this friend disappearing. The last couple weeks I can't get myself to do anything. I don't cope with stress very well as it is due to some health conditions, so this has really sent me over the edge. I don't want to be this way.

[alchemy63]

This is only a thought, I'm not sure if it applies in this situation, but, I'm thinking about some of the times I've pulled away from others in the past. It was painful for me as much as them but I'm sure they never knew that.

Sometimes people pull away to discourage over-dependence, and, to encourage independence. Or, maybe he's just mixed up himself and doesn't know how to express what he's feeling.

[rr13]

Yea, I kind of feel like it might have to do with me being too depressed the last few times we talked, but it's not like that's something I don't know about myself. Why can't he just tell me? I think guys worry too much about hurting our feelings than other women do. My girl friends have no problem telling me if I'm getting too depressing. The not knowing is just making it worse than if he'd just tell me the truth.

[alchemy63]

Assuming that's his reason, and I hate to assume, I'll say, presuming that's the reason, then there you have it. It has something to do with each of you. His inability to express shows that he's having difficulty explaining his own emotion, which causes you to conject what his reasons might be. Since you aren't him, and you can't know his reasons, you can only know your own.

If you've been depressed, it's sad that the reaction of others is to pull away. What I think we need most of all during that time, is closeness. Some people just aren't ready to deal with it. Love yourself first in this situation, figure things out for yourself right now. His time will come, and, if you feel strong enough, you might even, in a kind way, help him to understand what's going on.

[Nicky123]

Don't say that you're not worth caring about...everyone is worth that. I feel it might be best just to move on from this guy. I know that he showed you he cared and made you feel good about yourself but he is kind of not treating you well now by ignoring you(to a degree). I would not contact him because you don't want him to think that you are 'needy'. If he does not want to hang out with you, that's fine, it is not a reflection of you. When you meet him say 'hi' and if he wants to engage in conversation, he will, and if not, leave it at that. Don't think that just because he does not want to hang out with you that you are not worth hanging out with because of course you are. We all want to be like and cared about. Our real friends don't treat us in ways that make us unhappy. I hope this does not sound too harsh.

[rr13]

No, you weren't too harsh. I think it's the harsh reality I've finally admitted to myself that the people I thought were my friends for the past 10 years really aren't. But it's scary at my age to have to start all over again. I do have two good friends I can count on for anything, but they're both married and very busy, so I don't get to see or talk to them very often. I miss having people to go out and have fun with, but I also want to be around people who aren't going to judge me or blow me off just because I'm not behaving the way they want.