[Sher]

I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years now . About 3 and a half years ago I was hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar. It was ugly. I have since learned that I had to be restrained because I wouldnt let anyone touch me and was sceaming about specific sexual acts that I would not let them do to me . I cant remember most of the time that I was hospitalized . As part of my therapy I have been seeing a therapist for the last 3 years. During our sessions the sexual abuse I suffered was revealed. from the age of 4 until 15 I was abused off on on by several different people in my life . Twice I was sexualy assualted and finally at the age of 15 I was raped repeatedly by my "stepbrother". I never talked to anyone about the abuse I suffered until my "breakdown".
It is extremly painfull to talk about these issues with my husband . At this time I can not have sex with my husband . Any atempt at sexual relations ends up with me crying and in a fetal position . I have given my husband letters explaining my feelings , but after a few weeks the pressure for sex returns . I am at my wits end . I want my Marraige back . I want to enjoy the sexuality my body and mind were created to enjoy. But I can not heal our relationship on my own.
Has anyone dealt with something like this ? Do you have any ideas on how to get my husband to join in therapy? My marriage is crumbling .
My hands are shaking at the thought of sharing this in such a public way , but I am desparate. I appreciate anyone of you willing to share your personal experiences to help me .
Thank you ,
Sher

[Perna]

Hi, Sher. How difficult and painful for you! Have you asked your therapist if she could call him or have him come in on his own? Maybe she can chat with him and convince him to see someone for either couple's therapy or on his own and have a referral, etc. Having one of the professionals who has helped you talk to him (doctor from the hospital?) might make him understand the gravity/necessity of his getting help if he wants to help you and the marriage? I set my husband and I up to have the same doctor/medical staff and I imagine if I had a problem with my health I had trouble getting him to understand I'd ask them to talk together.

[Rhapsody]

From my own personal experience in this area.....

I just had to continued to go on my own and continued to work on getting ME better - plus I shared my victories with my husband and in time he finally came with me.... this took about 2 years after my original start date with my T.

HANG in THERE....... it will happen in time.... and please remember that it is harder for men to consent to seeing a T for they were created to solve problems, therefore, they find it difficult to admit they need help.

[sunrise]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Do you have any ideas on how to get my husband to join in therapy?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
Sher, have you tried asking him? Maybe he will say yes. I have been through a situation of being in individual psychotherapy and needing to expand that to couples therapy. It was hard for me to work up to that and took a lot of effort in individual therapy for me to be ready. Sounds like you are ready. Go for it and invite your husband! I think I said something like this to my husband, "recently in therapy we've been talking about our marriage. I feel there's someone missing from that conversation who needs to be there--you." (((((hugs)))))

[Direction]

It is certainly worth asking the question of your husband - stay hopefull that the answer will be yes; however, please be prepared that the answer may be no.

I also agree with Rhapsody on the first part. regarding working on yourself. In general on the second part about it probably is harder for men. Though it was actually my ex-wife who for three years would not go to therapy. By the time she did agree - the gap was too big and the pain too deep.

[Direction]

Did you have a chance to ask the question?

[Sher]

Thank you all for your responses. Yes I have asked my husband to come with me to therapy , many times. He shows interest but has never set aside a time to go . I con tinue going myself and hope he will decide at some point to take part in my healing .
I know this is hard for him too. I want the best for him but at this point I feel that I deserve the support from my Spouse that I am not getting right now .
Thanks again for all of your concern .
Sher

[psisci]

I would be much more directive with him and have your therapist get involved in helping him to get there. Schedule a particular session a few weeks out so he can organize his time, and make him aware this particular session is set aside for him to be there, and your therapist needs him there.

[Direction]

Good response psisci - I couldn't find the words earlier.