Continuing husband woes

Sorry...not trying to beat this subject to death but I need to vent. OK here goes...I went to a divorce lawyer last week. I really felt like I needed to do that, not because I definitely decided to go through with it but I just needed to realistically weigh my options. It made me feel good, like just knowing more clearly what would be the general scenario if we split up ironically took some of the urgency out of doing it immediately. It gave me a little more confidence, a little bit of a feeling of control over the situation. So it calmed me a little and I started thinking the practical, responsible thing to do is to at least try some marriage counseling. I think that my son deserves us to make every possible effort at being a stable, loving family. At the very least then if things still didn't work out I could at least know that we tried everything but that it was simply not meant to be. BUT of course, my husband went snooping in my car...(I had the lawyers business card in my glove box) and I had not told him yet that I had gone...so now he's really angry that I was "being sneaky" and now he's convinced that I want to go to counseling only as a ploy to make myself look good on the advice of this lawyer. Arrrggh...I'm at my wits end...I understand he's angry but if HE was not "being sneaky" snooping in my car then he would not have found the damn business card to begin with and I would have told him when I was ready...I've always been honest...even when I know it's not particularly pleasant. Which brings me to the next point...his other argument against counseling now is that "there is no reason that he should want to try to save our marriage since I've told him I"m not in love with him" (he's basically said that he's not going to do anything that I just need to hurry up and decide if I'm staying or going and stop torturing him because he doesn't care either way anymore...um, hello why would he even want to leave me the option of staying if he thinks our marriage is not even worth saving...am I missing something here?) He is persistent that my telling him that I was not in love with him was hateful and cold and that I'm "being ugly and dishonest and sneaky." Is being honest with him about how I'm feeling "ugly" because those feelings are not what he (or I for that matter) want them to be...doesn't it make sense to go to counseling since I feel we are emotionally disconnected because I feel like he is always negative and angry ( and so damn unpredicable in these tantrums besides) and that's WHY I don't feel like I'm love with him...if HE really loved me wouldn't he care about that rather than being angry at me for it? If I can forgive him all of the hurtful things that he has done why is it so much to ask that he forgive me? I'm so confused...I'm not trying to blame everything on him or be ugly...I'm willing to admit that yes I have done some things wrong too and WE need to work on how we interact with one another if we're going to continue to be married...I just want a little happiness and if he's not looking to embrace that then I feel like I need to move on. Is that so wrong? Again I'm sorry if I'm beating this subject to death...

rmm, there is no need to apologize for venting here - that's what this place is for. And sometimes you need to go through things more than once in order to process them...you are certainly not the first person to post repeatedly about the same issues...and I think it may actually be healthy.

Anyway, I can sort of relate to what you are going through...I was engaged once to a man who had similar patterns. A common pattern of abuse is for the abuser to turn everything around to make it the other person's fault..."I'm acting horrible and abusive toward you because you did something to make me be that way." From what you say, I sense that is your husband's pattern as well. Focusing on you being "ugly and dishonest and sneaky" is just his way of deflecting any of his own responsibility for the problems in your marriage. It is not surprising that he is resistant to counseling, either. Even if he may not show it, I'm sure deep down he realizes that a counselor would tell him that he needs to change. He knows he's not really right, but if he can keep you isolated as long as possible, he can keep trying to convince you that he is right and you are wrong. A counselor would ruin that for him by giving you outside confirmation that you are not doing anything wrong.

I can't even begin to know what is the right course of action for you. He says that you need to just make up your mind about whether you will stay or go. So, you might want to tell him that the only way you will stay is if he goes to counseling...but if you say it, you should really mean it, and be prepared to leave if he won't go. If you're not prepared to actually give up on the marriage yet, it might help for you to go to counselling on your own. Even if he is not there, a counselor could help you learn skills for how to handle things in your marriage.

Good luck,
mj

I think your right about him dealing with everything by keeping me isolated. His parents and I had a long, frank, discussion about his behavior this weekend. Alot of what has held me back from my taking the initiative to forcefully encourage him to seek couseling has stemmed both from my own preoccupation with the hurt that I was feeling and from the fear that I think he has maybe encourage in a way that if I put it down to counseling or leaving, his parents will use their wealth to take my son from me. They have now told me that they too want him to seek counseling, and actually come to find out they are dealing with much of the same feelings as he has told them that I want to leave and never let them see their grandchild again(which is ridiculous). So now everything is out in the open so to speak. Everyone just wants him to get some help so he can be happy...his mom actually also expressed to me her fear that he's going to hurt someone or himself, something that I have also struggled with. I think I am prepared to leave if he refuses help...I guess where I am now is just giving him some space to calm down and get over the feeling that everyone is "ganging up on him" His parents and I all sat him down and told him we want him to see someone...I told him I'll go with him if he wants...I think at some point I really should so that we can discuss our marital issues but I think he needs to work out some stuff about his childhood first and reconcile the past that he keeps rehashing before we're at that point. I just really don't know if he'll ever agree to go or if he does if he'll be openminded about...he said to me a few days ago that counseling is pointless because if the therapist doesn't agree with him "he'll just know they're a quack and couseling is riculous anyway" Anger, resentment, they're just the emotions that he's comfortable with and I think it's been that way for so long that he really believes that they are just who he is and then, yes, resents that we want to "change" him. Anyway, I'm hopeful but I don't feel so lost anymore...I know that for him to heal he has to want to heal and I'm not afraid now to leave if he chooses not too. I'm going to try my damndest to help and encourage him to want to, but if ultimately he doesn't, I feel much more confident now that the right thing for me and for our child would be if I moved on. The most important thing for me is that my son not be hurt by his behavior if he chooses to accept it as who he is. I know this may sound callous but I don't know what else there is to do...I have friends who treat me with more affection and respect than my own husband does...it seems to be that everyone (including myself) has enabled his behaviors by not putting their proverbial foot down and if I have to now be the one to do it...well maybe he'll hate me for it but maybe it'll be the wakeup call he needs.