Am I a bad kisser? Can this be fixed?

I've had 7 dates with a guy, and things have been progressing slowly, but I really like him. He has so many qualities that I like and he seems like a great guy. To give you a little background, I'm 23 and he is 24. He has had only one girlfriend (though for several years) and has never actually "dated" before. I've had two boyfriends (though both under a year) and have dated several people.

The first time we kissed, he said he gave our our making out a B because I kissed too "big" and need to appreciate the smaller kisses (I don't use a lot of tongue or anything like that though). Ever since then I've been very self-conscious when kissing him and have tried to mirror his style. The next time I asked him if it was a little better, and he said it wasn't bad, but that I need more training. Personally, I felt it but am afraid that he's not feeling it. He kisses very short-- making out consists of lips together for 3-5 seconds, then pulling away. Then coming back in maybe 10 seconds later. I feel the feelings, but almost get disappointed when he pulls away because I want it to last longer. I also interpret these shorter kisses as him not being very into it, though he says that he thinks they're more intimate. Last night I said I was afraid I wasn't pleasing him and that I feel bad, and that I feel things but hope he does too. He said he does feel it, otherwise he wouldn't have been seeing me for 7 dates. Though he said he thinks we've had a "rough" beginning, but that relationships don't start off perfectly and he still thinks we're working.

I'm starting to wonder whether we just have different kissing styles, and I'm not necessarily a bad kisser. Maybe we both need to modify things a little bit. I really really like him, but I'm concerned he's going to give it up as a lost cause or eventually think we're not compatible. Do you think this is all a bad sign, or do you think it can be fixed?

Yeah, no, HE'S the bad kisser. Put some passion in it, dude!

Thanks hpocus, you've given me a little more confidence. I just talked to him about it again, and now he's bending and says we can both learn from the other. He says he finds bigger kisses awkward and that he's just never done them much. And that he's been trained to think of them as something you do during deeper "activities." Hmm. I hope we can work it out!

I don't think I have ever discussed kissing with a guy I was kissing :-) I know it's an individual thing and his not liking how you kiss is wholly about him and not you. I would not do too much trying to mold to his way as that is kind of controlling on his part. You're trying to please him instead of yourself and will probably come to resent it, second guessing yourself all the time?

I'd be a little worried he doesn't want to do "deeper activities" and/or is afraid of your feelings and desires, your sexuality?

I feel a little weird about discussing it too, and a little worried it will just make us both self-conscious and kill the romance, but he is encouraging me being open about it/talking about it. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't let my desires fade to the background, though I'll take his into account too.

It isn't that he doesn't want to do deeper activities-- we just haven't gotten there yet and haven't had the opportunity (since we both still live with parents and haven't gone over each other's houses yet). As to whether he is afraid of my feelings, desires, or sexuality... I'm not sure. I don't know if afraid is the right word, but my way of kissing I guess feels unnatural/different to him from what he's used to. To me it feels like his kissing is hesitant and surface-level instead of deeper, but apparently he finds those kisses more intimate. I think we're just interpreting it all differently.

Yikes. I am seeing red flags here.

1. You have kissed more different people than he has, but he's confidently criticizing *your* kissing style.

2. He wants to "train" you??? puh-leez! I would find that highly offensive. If he was joking when he said it, it's still borderline offensive - not a good thing to say. I'm not saying people shouldn't ever make that kind of joke, but for it to not be offensive, there needs to be good trust and intimacy between the two people.

3. The description you've given of his kissing style makes it sound like he's the "bad kisser". Sounds like a parent bird darting in to feed a baby bird.

I probably should have asked in the first place - do you live in a country other than the US, Canada, or Western Europe? If you do, there may be some cultural aspect of your situation that I don't understand. As far as his point of view goes, I mean. You sound perfectly clear and like you know what you want.

This story made me think about a guy I went out with a few times when I was in college. He was a couple of years older than me, and our kissing styles were totally incompatible. He complained about how I kissed. Since he was practically bruising my mouth (one of those people who let their teeth get in the way), I was pretty sure that his kissing style was the problem. I was too polite to tell him what I thought, though. I wasn't interested in a relationship with him, anyway. He was an interesting dinner companion, and I enjoyed talking to him (super smart guy.) We just sort of stopped going out after a while. I'm having flashbacks to bad kissers now...the "drooler", the "lamprey". *shudder*

In my experience, kisses are different with different people. We have different experiences and desires.

Sometimes we like it deep, slow, and passionate. Othertimes, we like it very light, tender and slow. Occasionally, light pecks ~ which can become deeper and faster as time passes. This is all normal. Good kisses!

It takes a little bit of time to become more comfortable with one's kissing style and feel confident with our own abilities. I do think that if you have a desire for one another, and you're both willing to work on your kisses = that's great!! Seriously. IMO, kissing is a beautiful, passionate act of love and affection. It just takes a little bit of time and committment for both of you to enjoy it.

I never heard anyone being concerned about any particular style of kissing. If you are into a person and there is chemistry and you have connection then who the heck cares, you mutually adjust. I have never met a guy that I really liked but didn't like his kissing or vice versa. Honestly if a guy said he gives me B for kissing I would answer I give him F for being rude and ridiculous. I wonder if it is just an excuse of some sort,. He can't be serious

The only discussion about kissing I had with men was about liking to kiss each other or missing each other kisses or other lover talk. Never discussing techniques or quality or giving each other grades. I am almost 50 and kissed more men than I care to admit.

He is an idiot

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Focus on what feels good and forget the rest. If you want, you could try to frame this as how "we" kiss, as oppose to "I" and "you." Either the 2 of you do a good job, or better luck next time. You could also see if he wants to practice making the perfect kiss and trade feedback. Just remember, depending on his personality which I am not aware of, he may or may not be pretending to know things or trying to look smart. If a kiss feels good to both of you, you are probably doing it right. Good kisses are about sensation, not about following instructions.

Everyone has their own style of kissing and every two people will have a unique experience kissing. Finding a kisser that is compatible is great, and sometimes I've found a person (like you have) that will have a lot of rules which makes the experience feel unnatural and it usually causes me anxiety - because I have an idea in my head that kissing should feel natural and be always good all the time (and I've had this kind of relationship before where it was just this easy in that regard) - based upon me being single right now, I can say with 100% certainty that 0% of my "bad chemistry" relationships have worked out.