[ZenZeta]

...so I just finished my 12th argument within 12 days with my BF, and it's driving me bananas.

First, this guy is absolutely amazing... Seriously, a dream come true, but I fear every single day that he's going to leave. He has done everything in his power to try to make me feel secure, but the smallest thing will send me into this protection mode, and I start pushing him away.

Here's the thing... he grew up in a PERFECT family. His mom and dad were together 34 years. His family had big dinners every Sunday. Everyone knows everyone, etc.

I grew up with a legally blind father, and I never knew my biological mother. All I know is that she was much younger than him (a pattern that he has continued to this day), and I am almost certain that he beat her because Ive personally witnessed him do it to the other countless women that have been in and out of the house. My bio mother died of a heroin overdose when I was 6 years old, and I couldn't tell you what she looked like... so... as you can see, our lives were totally different.

My adult life, though financially successful, has been a constant whirlwind of bad relationships. I have had cheaters, beaters, losers... pretty much every bad guy one can pick out so that hasn't helped me. In fact, my father taught me to ACCEPT that men aren't monogamous and as long as they are financially supporting me, to put up with infidelities...

Needless to say, I am damaged. So here comes this perfect guy and I don't want him to leave me because I'm a "project". It's not fair for me to expect him to "save" me. I have been working really hard to hide my insecurities and my past issues, but lately they have been coming out and I 'm afraid its going to turn him off (no one wants a needy, clingy girl).

Tonight I accused him of pushing me away when he proclaimed the opposite. He says he is with me, but I keep telling him he doesn't want to be.

I really want this to work (by the way I have been in therapy for the last year since my brother's suicide), but I'm afraid that it would be much easier for him to find someone with less issues.

How do I STOP this pattern before I destroy the best thing that's ever happened to me? Seriously, I have been like Jekyll and Hyde all week...

[patchwork5]

Perhaps no one wants a needy, clingy girl, but HE wants YOU.
It sounds like you're under more stress than usual, if you just had 12 fights but presumably there was a time when you didn't. Is something changing?

Maybe you can't control your feelings or change them, at least not without therapy and/or medication, but you can control what you say. "You're pushing me away right now" invites him to contradict you, but takes away his agency (you decided what he was doing, not him). Something like "I'm afraid of losing you right this moment, will you reassure me that way I like?" Gets you a pretty similar response, but it looks like a request honored instead of spoiling for a fight. Both words get you what you need, but the first begs for confrontation while the second is one free person helping another.

I'm sorry this is proving hard and I know a change in language seems like a petty and surface approach to a real problem. It might help, though. That's the only fast thing I've got - therapy and patience for the slow stuff.

I am glad you're in therapy.. have you considered cognitive therapy too? It can be excellent in teaching you ways to change your thinking pattern. I mean, you know already that you're pushing him away, you know that this is because of your background (which I am sorry to read about btw). It may be the solution to you to change your thinking pattern. It really helped me in a similar situation.

You know, worrying about someone leaving is pointless. IF they leave, they will leave with or without you worrying about it. So really, you're putting yourself through all these negative, hard emotions and thoughts for nothing.

However, pushing people away might increase the chances of them leaving. They may eventually tire of trying to make you feel better, tire of fighting with you and watching you switch off from them. And then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please try your best to stop this from happening. One more thing - people are less likely to leave someone who is happy, fun to be with, loving, caring, reliable. So surely, as you love him and adore him, that is the better way to be? Try counting to ten next time you row, and remember that you want to be with this man, you don't really want to push him away. Perhaps that in time, will help alone and therapy will teach you some more.

Will be rooting for you.
Hugs

[catfan]

I recognise your feelings and behaviour totally, same issues for me.
It's hard enough to trust that I'm good, worthy and beautiful enough as a person. To trust that have these qualities in the eyes of someone else seems ever harder...

The fear of being left is so big, I rather push them away myself. But in the end, it will feel still the same, being rejected.

I have therapy too, individually. And recently a group emotion regulation therapy for BPD. I hope in time I can feel more possitive about myself and learn to cope with the intense emotions my fears give me.

I hope you can learn this too, keep investing in yourself.
Tc xoxoxo

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[winter4me]

This is a tough one. There is always the fear, even the possibility, that the person who is stable will resent you one day for needing so much...no family is "perfect" but clearly he may have a hard time understanding your behavior----be as honest with him as you can be, instead of pushing away, talk about why you want to push. You probably need to take this relationship slower than he does, and if he is wonderful and wants you, he will stay.
Any relationship is a risk. Only you know if you can take that risk.

[Confusedinomicon]

Walk away and give yourself time to cool off before approaching him/subject. Panicking helps no one and its hard to communicate feelings when your in a dozy.

When you let him engage you, you are letting the situation escalate which hinders either of your ability to speak rationally.

Instead practice leaving the room and use crisis skills learned in therapy to calm yourself down. Teach boyfriend these skills. Once both of you two feel safe, broach the topic once again. The most important part is creating and practicing boundaries. I was like this for a long time but creating boundaries and practicing them saved my relationship.

[lonelygirl4]

I feel your pain and you are not alone. Here please look into this, I ordered one of her books and it has really help me to understand myself more.

Abandoholics Anonymous | Fear of Abandonment | Abandonment Therapy | Abandonment Recovery | Susan Anderson

[avlady]

i agree with everyone above. you and your t should be talking about this too. i am sorry to hear about you brothers suicide, my sister took her life in 1987. you are probably going through abandoment issues because of that too. are you on any meds? i do hope you work things out with your partner, he sounds like a good person and like he wants to accept you for who you are and wants to be there for you. good luck

This is a really old thread.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by ZenZeta

.
He says he is with me, but I keep telling him he doesn't want to be.

I agree most in the first reply about changing the words that you use to express your fears/underlying insecurities.

I quoted this sentence, as an example of taking the choice out of his hands, with you choosing for him what he does or doesn't want/need.

I do realize that this is an older thread brought back to the surface. Is there an update?