I can't control my emotions

When you are the recipient of someone you love spewing forth degrading insults and hurtful language, how would you react? Would you stay calm and ignore it, or react emotionally?

I know there are different anger styles, and mine is to react explosively. Of course, according to my bf, this means I am "an emotional wreck." I guess there are some people who have the ability to maintain their cool in a situation like this, but I don't always know how to do that. It feels natural to react.

I can't help feeling. When someone hurts me, especially one I love, I cry, I yell, I break down, throw things, get physical. I become angry, but more than anything I am in pain.

I just want to not feel so intensely.

When I was a young adult, I was the opposite. I made myself turn hard like a rock, was numb and didn't feel much at all. I don't think that was healthy either.

Emotional balance seems to be key, but how to achieve it?

How would I react?


I would chuck a chair at his head and then go sit somewhere alone and try to figure out why on earth I would love someone who flings degrading insults and swear words at me.


Respect, I demand it.

Whoever does the name calling or slings insults 1st - loses. Make that agreement and when it comes to that anger - know you need to stop it and go blow off steam. ... when the name calling and disparaging remarks come out... you cannot take it back and cannot "unhear" it. You might forgive but you will not forget.

How would I react?
Ideally, I'd say "I'm not going to listen to this" and leave; leave the room, house, wherever we are..how far away I go depends on how strong my reaction. More likely - because I'd be very angry! - I'd press my lips together to keep from speaking, have my hands clenched in fists by my side (both trying to control myself) and leave. And most likely, I'd scream "f*** you" with whatever body language happens and leave.

Once alone I might do any or all of those things you describe - yell, cry, throw something, get physical. Physical like take a walk to cool down.

When I'm being "attacked," even verbally, the fight or flight thing kicks in for me. Fight or flight is a physical, the animal in us, thing and you're body releases chemicals in the brain. If it's that, it is possible to ride it out; let the body release, then process those chemicals. It's about 90 seconds for the initial flood of chemicals to subside (waaaay to long for me!), and longer to be completely processed.

betenoire19-

I have poor impulse control right now, , so I usually react. It is difficult for me to cry at the moment due to the meds. I know my responses can be very sharp & attacking, which is not the person I want to be.

Sometimes I feel it is not worth it, and say something "semi" snippy and leave the situation. The person i am dating is passive aggressive & has major anger issues, which makes it all more difficult. At times I will say, "Thank you so much for that tirade/rage session. Good bye.". or if he is sweraing at me, "Please do not say the 'eff' word at me.". I am not usually that controlled.

IDK.

Good luck...you do not deserve his rage or abuse.

When I was a young adult, I was the opposite. I made myself turn hard like a rock, was numb and didn't feel much at all. I don't think that was healthy either. -- When children find it necessary to adopt a coping mechanism to deal with a situation, it is healthy, because it protects them and their minds from overwhelming things. It is a survival tool. If that mechanism continues to be employed into adulthood, it is unhealthy. It's called dissociation.

Usually, however, the coping mechanism morphs into another form of dissociation in adulthood if the root causes for the original dissociation have not been addressed. In your case, I'd say though that your coping mechanism is or has been breaking down and causing you to be flooded by emotion, especially, anger.

It is important for you to acknowledge emotions as they arise and identify them quickly. If it is overwhelming or becoming overwhelming, there is nothing wrong with diffusing it and creating a little space for yourself in order to come back to the issue and deal with it calmly. You can do this by saying something like "I want to address and resolve this with you but am becoming angry (emotional) about it right now. Can we talk about this in an hour (or whatever time you think you may need). Say this as calmly as you can so that the other person can see that you are serious about wanting to resolve it and not side-stepping the issue. It will take some practice and be patient with yourself.

Your feelings are your feelings. You cannot "control" the feelings you have or get, but you can control what you do with them. That's the key. Not pushing down emotions or allowing them to get out of control. Identify, acknowledge and accept the feelings.

Not saying that it is your case, but i would add the following: Are you sure that you are, indeed, being offended? Insulted? Is he actually using offensive and hurtful language, or are you "picking up" on those insults indirectly? I might sound insensitive, but i have a very emotional girlfriend that will many, many times take some conducts or situations as someone degrading her or insulting her, even if its not the case at all. She just sees pretty much everybody as having something against her, and thus their actions always have some sort of hidden (hurtful, offensive) meaning. She too feels things too intensely - partly because of her own personality, and partly because she's also going through a rough time. In my case, i try to deal with it very calmly, although not ignoring it (which would make her even angrier).

If the person spewing the hurtful insults is a loved one or close friend, I deal with it by walking away and avoiding them until they apologize. If they happen to live under the same roof as me, I leave without letting them know where I'm going and I go stay somewhere else until I get a text or call from them that's an apology.

If said person is an acquaintance or stranger, I let them know how I feel about what they said in a direct to the point manner without sugar coating anything. If they don't like what I have to say, I take measures to remove them from my life such as blocking them on social media and blocking their phone number (if they have my number).