[Danni81]

My husband and I have been together since 2000. Married since 2002. Due to male factor infertility that wasn't "caught" until 2011 (my husband had a hard time finally going in to get checked) and we had to go with an anonymous donor.

Regardless of all of that we are finally expecting our very first child in a few weeks. We are so excited and happy and although this baby is not technically my husband's "DNA" he is so excited and ready to become a dad that it doesn't seem to be an issue for him.

So with all of that said. My mother-in-law and I had a falling out about 9 years ago and as a result I have not seen, or talked to her (personally) since then.

It was really a culmination of events that led up to the cut off. She ostracized me from family gatherings, bullied me, talked over me, gossiped about me, had husband's cousins/siblings turn against not only me but also my husband to the point that when we bumped into a cousin at a grocery store we were told that we "should shop somewhere else"...

She has insinuated about my weight by buying me clothes at rummage sales that were 6 times too large and then saying things like "I got this for you because you are the only person I know that is THAT big" (at the time I was comfortably fitting into an XL in women's and I'm 5'9" when she is 4'6".

She tried to break us up on several occasions, and has treated my husband disrespectfully and he has very little good memories of her as a mother.

So, after a particularly horrible gathering which left my husband furious at his entire family, and me in tears his mother called him up and pretty much had a crazy moment where at first she seemed defensive and hurt; slammed the phone down, my husband called her back where SHE tried to turn it around that SHE was the victim.

Then that conversation ended with her telling my husband that she believes that I "tore her family apart" and that she has always had a problem with me because I never sent her a thank you card for the belated birthday gift (which was a dirty broken plastic coke-cola napkin holder she bought at a rummage sale for 5 cents..)

I was done with not only her, but also husband's siblings (two older sisters and an older brother) who all acted as her lackeys.

My husband has been 98% supportive of my choice to cut her out of my life, about two to three years into the cut off his mother put on the water works and his father insinuated that I was an immature brat for not getting over it... After that visit with them we got into a huge fight because he thought I should be by his side at his family's Christmas party. I reminded him of why I cut them off, yelling ensued and he finally relented. aside from that moment, my husband has been 100% supportive of "the cut off"

I would never have made my husband choose between me or his family because I know I would never have wanted to be put in that sort of situation myself. Our deal was that I would never demand that he not see his family, but he could not demand that I see them either (which he used to do and we used to fight horribly about that).

Ok, so this is my problem... My mother-in-law is very happy that she is finally going to have a grandchild (she doesn't know about the donor) i love my husband and want him to be happy, I want him to feel as connected to this child as much as he possibly can. And I feel that when the baby is born and my family is visiting at the hospital he would feel horrible and resentful, not to mention detached from the baby if his family was not there to met our baby.

I had made up my mind early on that I trust my husband's judgement and his backbone, or at least is like to feel that I can. I trust him to do the right thing by our baby, and I trust him to not go against my feelings about certain things in regards towards his family being around our child.

I personally don't think I could be in the same room as his family, I loathe them, and the pain inflicted from day one (when she acted as if she was going to attack me the first time I met her) that pain is still very real for me, mostly in part due to the fact that I have little to no other positive contact/memories of them.

So, to accommodate my feelings towards these people and to protect myself from them, all while allowing my husband to have a memory with his child/parents. I thought I could get around the whole thing by having the baby go to the nursery (so I could get some rest) and time it just so that when his parents get there husband can meet them at the waiting room take them to the nursery and have bonding time there while I rest/shower etc.

When they leave, the baby will come back into the room with me until we leave the hospital.
To make sure that my wishes are carried out I plan on writing this in my birth plan, and also reminding/notifying the nurses that only my side of the family is allowed visitation into the "mom and baby" room.

I'm sure I seem heartless to do this, but in all honesty I don't want my first memories of my first child to be wrought with worry, anger, and old wounds resurfaced by these people who I believe with all of my heart have not changed one bit.
The reasons why I want to do this at the hospital is for two very real concerns for me

1. I don't want them in our house, I just simply don't... And my husband agrees with me on this.
And 2. I don't want my husband taking our child over to his family's house for visits because I don't trust them, I don't like them, and I would honestly feel betrayal from my husband to do this to me. We've talked about it, and he blindly accepts my fears and supports my decision on this.

I don't know how I feel about this all. I wish my husband would talk to me about this and not simply agree with me or sweepingly say "I'll do whatever you want" because I begin to question how attached he is to our baby when he just nonchalantly accepts my demands (which was completely meant to just be my concerns and not so much my demands)

But now, here is my last problem.
My husband said that he would take care of it all, and that he would "direct traffic" at the hospital so that I wouldn't have to see his family (who his mom has already said that she was just going to come anyways regardless of weather or not I allowed her...)

So my husband told her that I would like her to be there... And she became all giddy about that and now I believe that she thinks that all is forgiven and that I'm just going to allow her back in my life.

So, I'm already starting to rethink my trust in my husband's capability to handle the nuances of human feelings... I don't want this to turn into hurt feelings, I don't want his sister to be bulldog for his mom and attack us (like she has).

I don't want to get into a fight with anyone over this and I don't want to hurt my husband's feelings, make him feel detached from the baby, or make him resent me. And for that matter I don't want to get hurt, feel detached from my husband, or resent him for continuing to have a relationship with these people who have wounded me so much.

I just don't know how I'm going to get through all of this... (We are planning on selling the house and moving 800 miles away to my hometown by no later than 2017) so this ordeal wouldn't be carried on for years and years. Also we would be near my family who love my husband and my husband loves them (to the point of accidentally calling them HIS mom and dad)

[Rose76]

It's going to be hard to come up with a plan that gets you to all your many goals at the same time. That's because it's hard to make these goals compatible with each other. Specifically: You want your child to have no contact with his family (other than the initial "bonding" meetup in the nursery) and you want your husband to be happy and not forced to reject his family.

If you do not want MIL in your home and you do not want baby visiting MIL, what's the point of allowing this "bonding" visit outside the nursery? Did you intend for that to be the first and last time MIL will see baby?

No woman in the hospital should feel any obligation to receive any visitors whom she does not want to see. Nowadays, the period of being in the hospial after a birth is only like - what? - 2 days. It is perfectly acceptable, from an etiquette point of view, to be indisposed to receive visitors, when his family arrives. I mention "etiquette" because I think adhering to the rules of good etiquette can be one's salvation in dealing with very difficult people. Those rules were evolved over thousands of years specifically to make life work better.

I've heard it said that one has no duty to love in-laws, but only a duty to be courteous toward them (for the sake of one's spouse.) You've decided that you can not tolerate being in your MIL's presence. That's a rather extreme position to take, but only you know what you can and cannot tolerate. I think you've been correct in not interferring with your husband's right to visit his family. But you're seeking to restrain him on 2 additional fronts. You do not want him bringing his family into your home. Secondly, you do not want him going with baby to visit MIL. Is your home also his home? Is your baby also his baby? When you go to that level of controlling his behavior, I think you're at risk of things backfiring on you. You sense this yourself, I believe, which is why you started this thread.

I don't envy your position, which I think is tough and going to get tougher. If MIL ever gets wind of the baby not having her son's DNA, I don't know that I'ld trust her to handle that well. You're under no obligation to tell her. But if you want your husband to be fully invested, emotionally, in this child, then I think you may want to come up with a different game plan.

Recently, a young woman put up a thread about her husband not getting along with her mother - and for good reasons. (I think the mother drank excessively.) Her husband had instructed her to never take new baby to visit her mother. I said that I thought she had the right to visit her mother and the right to take baby with her. Husband did not have to come along. I think your husband has the same right. (Not while baby is still nursing, but eventually.) Either you trust him to take care of the baby properly when he has the baby and you're not there, or you don't.

Your husband is welcoming of this baby - now. "Now" is the easy part. You are laying groundwork, now, for years to come. Kids get bigger and so do the challenges of raising them. Is your husband going to be an equal partner, or is he just your "deputy?" He would not be human, if, in times to come, he didn't feel a little questioning of his bond with the child AND of your confidence in him as a co-parent. I think you are giving him very little latitude to use his own judgement, and it may lead to something that won't be what you really want.

[marmaduke]

You do not need this highly toxic woman in your life, she will cause trouble. From your description of MIL she sounds NPD (a narcissist)
She has treated you very badly and tried to break up your marraige, you owe her nothing.
She sounds like my ex MIL a 100% b##ch. The woman never had a good word to say about me. And she wound my ex 'husband' (who was a mummies boy anyway) up against me, every time he came back from a visit to her he would be temperamental, sulky, hostile, angry.

Might be helpful to read this
Narcissistic Mother-in-Law Breaks Up Marriages | The Narcissist In Your Life

As for your husband, his first loyalies must be to you and your baby, to his own precious new family not to a person who has been hostile and nasty. You must come before his mother & her cronies every time.

Get as far away as you can from this toxic woman A.S.A.P!!

[Perna]

I'd let your husband do his thing but work with the nurses too; make sure you are showering or elsewhere when they come to visit so there's nothing to "see" in your and the baby's room, etc. Just give your husband simple instructions; at your house, if you have visitors from his family, you're "not receiving". For quite awhile it should work okay because the baby will be so young and not going out much. Get a schedule going with the baby so s/he is at activities when out that are not in his family's normal orbit, don't tell then who sits/cares for the baby or when you won't be there, etc.

Try not to argue/fight with your husband, just keep saying what you want. No one can argue with what you want because it is what you want. Does not matter what they think of what you want, it's what you want. You do not have to convince them of anything or give reasons or excuses or anything -- you are allowed to want what you want whether it is right, wrong, crazy, a good idea, a bad idea, whatever. Your sureness and calmness in discussion will probably go a long way to reassure your husband and remind him how simple it all is. You don't want to have anything to do with his family. Let them think you are a ^itch or unreasonable or that they're wonderful people; you don't care because they're not part of your world. Don't worry what your mother-in-law thinks; you can't control that/her; she's going to do her own thing regardless and if you pay attention, it is guaranteed to be upsetting to you and stressful for you.

[hvert]

What about trying to patch up the relationship with the inlaws now, before you have the baby (or at least plugging the biggest holes)? It's possible that she's changed in the past 9 years... or that you have, and that you are stronger and more capable of shrugging off her bad behavior. It just seems like it would be less stressful to be on speaking terms with her.

Also, if you try and it doesn't work out, it gives you more credibility with your husband if you do need to put your foot down later on.

[marmaduke]

It was really a culmination of events that led up to the cut off. She ostracized me from family gatherings, bullied me, talked over me, gossiped about me, had husband's cousins/siblings turn against not only me but also my husband to the point that when we bumped into a cousin at a grocery store we were told that we "should shop somewhere else"...
She tried to break us up on several occasions, and has treated my husband disrespectfully and he has very little good memories of her as a mother.
He really wants her there? Nooo.

I dont think MIL should be allowed in the hospital, she sounds dreadful and did not do a good job of bring her own family up.
The time in hospital with a new born is the most precious time, it about what YOU want, its about mummy & daddy bonding with their new family member. Its not about pandering to a abusive MIL.
If you want your family there, thats OK they have not been abusive.
Its hard I know but husband MUST be strong on this. MIL being involved will do no good at all.
And for MIL to say she will come anyway. Disgusting. Where is her respect? Bounderies have to be drawn very firmly with this selfish woman.

[marmaduke]

Originally Posted by hvert

What about trying to patch up the relationship with the inlaws now, before you have the baby (or at least plugging the biggest holes)? It's possible that she's changed in the past 9 years... or that you have, and that you are stronger and more capable of shrugging off her bad behavior. It just seems like it would be less stressful to be on speaking terms with her.

Also, if you try and it doesn't work out, it gives you more credibility with your husband if you do need to put your foot down later on.

Patching up wont work, and she will not have changed. The MIL is clearly a narcissist, and will just cause havoc between husband and wife.

[Puglife]

That is a hard position to be in. First the chances of everything working out perfect as far as timing while you are in the hospital are fairly slim. The inlaws would have to come at the exact perfect time that the baby able to go to the nursery. What will you do if you do see them? Meeting at the hospital once is one thing, but the more important thing to think about is what to do going forward. They are the child's grandparents and they do have a relationship with their son. You and your H may need to meet with a counselor a few times to try to determine boundaries. Good luck and congratulations!

[~Christina]

I found out when my daughter was about 3 months old that while i was pregnant my husband parents called my Mom and Dad offering to pay for half or an abortion ! Mind you my husband and I were married and this was a planned pregnancy.

( my Father had 3rd degree burns on his leg and was loaded to the gills on Morphine only reason it came out)

I exploded ! My husband said that they decided not to tell me because I had a high risk pregnancy and I could die along with my daughter, I didnt need the stress! I understood that logic once I calmed down a bit.

So I flat refused to see them ever again, No way, I refuse to allow them in my house.. My husband understood that. i said IF you want to go see them go ahead you can take our daughter. But I wanted nothing to do with them..

So that is what happened fast forward .. my daughter is 5 our marriage ended

It doesn't matter that your husband isn't the biological father, People make babies all the time that aren't a loving parent. You and your husband chose to have a child. You love each other.

I think your trying to cut them out is completly unrealistic to be honest. As for the hospital? I would allow them to see the child for 10 mins and then that was enough. Once your home and the baby gets old enough to take around , let your husband go show off his brand new baby. You dont have to go with.

I hope you can figure out how to make this work.

[marmaduke]

puglife
They are the child's grandparents and they do have a relationship with their son.
A very poor realationship, MIL has nearly caused these two to break up. She does nothing but cause trouble.
Keep toxic people OUT of your life (even if its 'family')