[haier]

I've been separated for almost 4yrs now. Divorced. I just recently, like 3mo ago decided to just put myself out there and make some guy friends since I literally have none. So far I have 2 guy friends. Both met through friends. They're both a-holes. I know this. I've tried just stopping communication with both and always end up talking to them again. Problem is they're a-holes. I'm attracted to that. To being treated like crap. Both have issues, I can tell and the caretaker in me wants to be there so bad. I feel sorry for them when they are being complete jerks. I have no interest in forming any type of relationship with either one. I'm just so ugh!!!! I want to know why they're the way they are. I want to know what they're thinking, I want to be there. I've asked both why they continue to talk to me when it's obvious they don't care about me and I never get any answers. I just want to know why???? I can't stop. I feel like I'm digging a big hole for myself. They're selfish, disrespectful, arrogant, full of themselves. They're both super hot in they're own way and both I'm attracted to physically. I know they're both attracted to me because of little things here and there. But it's like they're scared too and this pulls me in even more. It's like I don't want to let go, i don't even get my feelings hurt when it's obvious they're trying to get a reaction from me. My friends keep telling me to stop talking to both. I've tried and then out of the blue they'll text me and I just fall back in. I feel stupid, dumb, like a pushover but at the same time I know something hidden exists and I want to know what it is....it's horrible. Clearly I'm wasting my time. Pointless. I'm already dealing with a lot of my own crap. This is a big distraction for me and I like it. I feel sick and twisted. At the same time I miss having someone to turn to, that comforting touch. I miss talking with someone and having that closeness but this will never replace that so I don't understand why I continue. This is making me hate myself . I feel like I can't stop. These guys don't deserve the time of day from me. I'm a good person, I work hard and I am a good friend. I'm actually pretty attractive and I try to take care of myself. I know I deserve something so much better. I can't stop thought. Please help, suggestions?

[hvert]

You know what you have to do! It's hard, like quitting cigarettes or a drug, but at some point you have to just *stop* doing it to yourself. I stopped dating anyone for a year while I recalibrated my mind to stop this really harmful behavior.

As for why they keep talking to you despite not seeming to care, it's because you have something that they want. They can tell that you are attracted to jerks and if they keep it up for a while longer, sooner or later they will probably get what they want. Just like we are attracted to jerks, jerks are attracted to us. They can see our weakness, like wolves going after lambs...

[divine1966]

My whole life I am attracted to wrong men. No they aren't all jerks per se but wrong for me. They all like clones of each other!

I started therapy a year ago in hopes to get to the bottom of it and start recognizing patterns and getting out of the cycle. It did wonders

Are you in therapy?

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[iwonderaboutstuff]

Originally Posted by haier

I'm already dealing with a lot of my own crap. This is a big distraction for me and I like it.

^^right there. You said it. Avoidance at its best.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by haier

Problem is they're a-holes. I'm attracted to that. To being treated like crap.

They're both super hot in they're own way and both I'm attracted to physically. I know they're both attracted to me because of little things here and there.

Well you've got yourself a little conundrum there don't you? You've got a touch of alpha-male syndrome. First, what do you want?

Do you want a hot loser or do you want a mediocre-looking winner?
Do you want to be treated with dignity and respect or are you willing to put up with an a-hole as long as he's hot?

Now ... what makes you think you deserve more? You say you do, but you obviously don't believe it or you would quit hanging around them. You're getting some kind of emotional currency from them. What is it? They're giving you something that a nice guy can't. What is it?

I'm guessing it's probably attention. Jerks notoriously pursue while nice guys usually give you space. I can't say for sure, but getting attention from a hot guy that's a jerk is much easier than working at getting to know a nice guy. Emotional/relationship laziness?

So what's the call? Take the easy way and let the slime come to you or kick them to the curb and go work at finding someone that's hiding under a rock that will treat you with dignity and respect?

But I'll tell you, as long as you surround yourself with a-holes, you'll never find anyone better.

[haier]

I know. I read everything on here and I agree. I feel so stupid because I know. It's so dumb. I don't care about getting attention from them, I really don't. If they were to just stop talking to me I'd be fine but they won't. That's exactly what I'm going crazy about. Why do they keep talking to me? I want to know so bad but they're not saying. Idk. It's stupid. I'm already starting this week with the worst one. I'm not going to talk to him anymore, we'll see how long that lasts. I just really need to stop talking them. Yes, I'm in therapy. I'm working on myself and last session I actually told my T about one of these guys. She said it was a good thing that I could see what was happening. Me wanting to fix and feeling attracted to that. We'll be working more on that. It's just bad all around. I just feel so dumb. I'm smart and independent and everyone is mad at me after seeing how these guys are. Nobody understands why I put up with it. Truth is it doesn't bother me. They have problems and I just wish I could help. But I need to stop.

[Webgoji]

Originally Posted by haier

Nobody understands why I put up with it. Truth is it doesn't bother me. They have problems and I just wish I could help.

If it doesn't bother you, then why stop the relationships? If them being a-holes really isn't an issue, then what is the issue?

Like I said, they'll keep pursuing you as long as you respond. The reason they keep pestering you is because you've taught them that as long as they keep it up, you'll respond. That's what jerks do. A nice guy will give you space.

[divine1966]

My t says there is no point wasting your time figuring out why others do what they do. Just worry about what you do. It doesn't matter why they calling you, they maybe at games or don't respect you or are just bored. Who cares. Figure out why you keep talking to them. Focus on your actions

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[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Webgoji

If it doesn't bother you, then why stop the relationships? If them being a-holes really isn't an issue, then what is the issue?...

This yes. If you don't mind being treated like crap, it doesn't bother you that they're jerks, and you are actually attracted to assholes.... What exactly is the problem here?



What your friends will think of you?



You seem obsessed with wanting to know why they talk to you, when its really quite simple, you respond.


It doesn't get simpler than that, and I honestly doubt it gets any deeper either. So no use hoping for heartfelt serenades about how special they think you are....


So you have two choices here, date the one you like/loathe best, or cut all contact.


I realize you stated you've tried, but there's a beautiful digital feature called "blocking" that I doubt you've made use of. Quite a few Smart Phones come with this feature built in, and if not, I'm sure your service provider can do it for you. I'm in backwards South Africa and have used both options at one time or another.

[haier]

Ok, yeah...I agree with everyone. I don't know what my problem is. I don't like that I have this problem, it bothers me. Yes maybe what others think has some type of influence. I have a lot who look up to me, people who feel proud of who I am. I feel like I'm disappointing. I'm actually disappointed in myself. I just need to stop I guess. Which I plan on doing. I just wanted feedback, why? Idk.

[Trippin2.0]

You repeatedly refer to your situation as "this problem" yet you're not very clear on what that problem actually is...


First I was under the impression it was your attraction to these men, but that doesn't pose any actual problems for you. Then I thought it was your inability to stop talking to these men, and now I'm really not too sure I understand what it is you're talking about.


Or maybe I'm just tired and am not very good at comprehending atm...


The problem you're referring to, is that the incessant need to know why they talk to you?

The feedback you crave?


If it is, well its also simple, well in my book anyway.


You got divorced, didn't have any male attention for years, felt ready to jump back in the saddle, and now you're faced with two guys, who are just your type and you want some validation.


You want to know that they find you attractive, desirable, smart, funny, etc.


You want the green light, the approval, the nod, the thumbs up that means you're wanted.


And you know what?


That's perfectly natural, ok maybe the borderline obsessive bit is not ok, but the stuff behind it is.


We all want to know we're good enough. We all want to feel wanted or needed.


Thing is, with the type of men you prefer, they're highly unlikely willing to make you feel good enough.

[divine1966]

You say you want to fix and help. I don't understand what you want to fix of help with. Are they asking for help? I first thought the issue is your attraction to jerks which is legitimate issue but then it turns out the whole thing is about something else. What's this about?

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