[EglantineRose]

So, I talked to some guy online for about 11 months (he ended it by blocking me- we were arguing and I told him I didn't appreciate some of the inappropriate things he had said, and he told me to "F off" and "goodbye"). Even though he wasn't nice at all in the end, I still wrote him an e-mail wishing him good luck and apologizing for the things that I had done wrong (which I now realize he didn't deserve). Anyways, even though I never met him and only spoke to him on the phone once, I am finding it hard to let go. I have found that this has consumed my thoughts for months and months, even though I don't want it to, and now it's even worse that it's over. To be honest, he never had qualities that I would have considered to be appealing. He isn't educated AT ALL, and I am in university. And even talking to him- he seemed kind of unusual and spoke very quickly. He also isn't overly physically attractive, and ALWAYS claimed to be "busy all of the time". But he continued to pursue conversations so I just never let go of him like I should have. I knew all along that I could meet someone much different and better, and yet despite all of the things I don't like about him and how angry he made/makes me, I don't know how to let go and be happy again. To make it worse, talking to this guy affected my progress and happiness.
The fact that this bothers me so much when it definitely shouldn't worries me. I am so glad I never met him because even though I don't know this person, he makes me feel bad, and has since I started talking to him. I put up with so much from him- saying creepy things (like asking if we could sleep together when we meet and if he could see inappropriate pictures, just creepy, especially for me because I'm not that kind of person in any way). I think one of the reasons I kept talking to him is because I knew he had issues and felt some sympathy/understanding toward him given my own situation, but he was always so distant and annoying. Anyways, I just want to let go of this and move on. I'm supposed to be starting school in a few weeks and want to just forget about this. I never would have put up with this a few years ago, and I especially would not have been upset over something like this ending. I think I'm angry because I know I deserve better and this guy acted like a jerk. What is wrong with me? How do I get over this? Does BPD cause this? (I have it). I know that part of my problem as well is that I don't have much to focus on (I almost will with school and work) so all I do is sit around feeling angry and bitter about things. I apologized to him because I know things weren't only his fault, I wasn't perfect to him in any way either. In the end though I was decent and he wasn't.

[EglantineRose]

I don't want to be bothered by this, but for some reason I am. I never would have cared if this was a few years ago- I would have never spoken to this guy. It makes me mad because he acted like he was so innocent and "he deserves better" when he's nothing special at all and acted like a moron.
Also, I always kind of suspected he had his own issues. If you were to guess, what is this guy's problem? Or is he just a jerk?

[divine1966]

Talking to people online isn't a real relationship. You don't know who is on the other side. Could be a group of teens laughing at you not one man . Let it go and look for people in real world. Good luck

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[JaGo]

I disagree with divine, it's very possible to feel connected to someone, even over the Internet.

What kind of hobbies or activities do you enjoy? Spending a lot of time working on those and making yourself the best possible person you can might help you forget about him. Try to focus on happiness from internal rather than external sources.

And keep putting yourself out there. You can find someone who isn't as mean and cares more about you.

Best of luck

[divine1966]

Unless you meet in person anyone can be on the other side giving you the love talk. They talk on the phone once in 11 months? This isn't a relationship

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[healingme4me]

I agree with both replies because for one, Divine raises a point about how and why this can happen, and as pointing out internet safety matters, there are individuals out there known to prey and if not cautious, can truly take advantage, even just toying with a person's diagnosis, so could'he' have been? Who knows.

JaGo raises the point in how to let go, and yes, there can be rewarding and fulfilling relationships(that come) from online.

Hopefully you are able to get through this.

[divine1966]

You really believe that people can have fulfilling relationships never meeting or in fact never talking? This is the only site I see people regularly call it relationship. I just don't get it. Fulfilling? I understand meeting person online but conducting the entire relationship strictly online?

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[healingme4me]

Are you arguing with me or JaGo?

I'm just not up to be nitpicked here or anywhere, 'k?

[avlady]

i would dump this jerk in a minute!!!well maybe a second hes not worth the time of day

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Are you arguing with me or JaGo?

I'm just not up to be nitpicked here or anywhere, 'k?

Oh I am not nitpicking or arguing. Sorry if it came across this way.. Didn't mean to. I post while doing 10 other things. My bad

I just didn't want to give op another reason to stick around this nonsensical jerk because they are in "real" relationship. I think in her case even a formal break up is not needed. Just block him and forget he ever existed.

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[Mindful55]

Yes this is hard to do..he was a part of your life..whether it was online or in person. People get emotionally attached.

I also have BPD and I have a very hard time letting go as well.

I am learning to step back if I get vibes that make me uncomfortable..

He does sound creepy...no contact is best for you...you have school which is your number one primary 🎓

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[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Oh I am not nitpicking or arguing. Sorry if it came across this way.. Didn't mean to. I post while doing 10 other things. My bad

I just didn't want to give op another reason to stick around this nonsensical jerk because they are in "real" relationship. I think in her case even a formal break up is not needed. Just block him and forget he ever existed.

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Fair enough.

The topic of 'real' relationships that are strictly conducted online, is a hot button topic here, I've noticed, through the years.

To the OP, my T suggests there's a fantasy effect when conducting relationships online. And even if meeting, after time, my T also suggests there needs to be a more routine face to face time to get to know a person's quirks, etc, in order to know. The idea is to find what leaves one sticking around for the long term, without reaching that point of knowing if it's a relationship worthy of the long haul or one where it's time to move on.

There were 11 months of emotional investment. People without BPD do this, as well, so probably safe to say, not that. But the pain might be a bit amplified for your BPD? Not sure. Hopefully something you can work through with the medical team that gave you your diagnosis.

[EglantineRose]

It almost feels like intrusive/anxious thoughts. Like I will convince myself if I don't do a particular thing everything is going to fall apart, even though I KNOW I am much better off without talking to this person, and I was MUCH better off before I met them. It makes no sense and it's so illogical. This person was never worth the time, and they have their own problems and messed with my head for months. I should be able to let go easily. I should have been able to a long time ago. I even kept thinking to myself over and over for months "This needs to stop." I mean, they have no education, they can't spell, they have obvious anger issues and other issues- they even told me so many times how I deserved better than them.

[I'm Worth It]

Originally Posted by EglantineRose

So, I talked to some guy online for about 11 months (he ended it by blocking me- we were arguing and I told him I didn't appreciate some of the inappropriate things he had said, and he told me to "F off" and "goodbye"). Even though he wasn't nice at all in the end, I still wrote him an e-mail wishing him good luck and apologizing for the things that I had done wrong (which I now realize he didn't deserve). Anyways, even though I never met him and only spoke to him on the phone once, I am finding it hard to let go. I have found that this has consumed my thoughts for months and months, even though I don't want it to, and now it's even worse that it's over. To be honest, he never had qualities that I would have considered to be appealing. He isn't educated AT ALL, and I am in university. And even talking to him- he seemed kind of unusual and spoke very quickly. He also isn't overly physically attractive, and ALWAYS claimed to be "busy all of the time". But he continued to pursue conversations so I just never let go of him like I should have. I knew all along that I could meet someone much different and better, and yet despite all of the things I don't like about him and how angry he made/makes me, I don't know how to let go and be happy again. To make it worse, talking to this guy affected my progress and happiness.
The fact that this bothers me so much when it definitely shouldn't worries me. I am so glad I never met him because even though I don't know this person, he makes me feel bad, and has since I started talking to him. I put up with so much from him- saying creepy things (like asking if we could sleep together when we meet and if he could see inappropriate pictures, just creepy, especially for me because I'm not that kind of person in any way). I think one of the reasons I kept talking to him is because I knew he had issues and felt some sympathy/understanding toward him given my own situation, but he was always so distant and annoying. Anyways, I just want to let go of this and move on. I'm supposed to be starting school in a few weeks and want to just forget about this. I never would have put up with this a few years ago, and I especially would not have been upset over something like this ending. I think I'm angry because I know I deserve better and this guy acted like a jerk. What is wrong with me? How do I get over this? Does BPD cause this? (I have it). I know that part of my problem as well is that I don't have much to focus on (I almost will with school and work) so all I do is sit around feeling angry and bitter about things. I apologized to him because I know things weren't only his fault, I wasn't perfect to him in any way either. In the end though I was decent and he wasn't.

I think one of the reasons I kept talking to him is because I knew he had issues and felt some sympathy/understanding toward him given my own situation, but he was always so distant and annoying. Anyways, I just want to let go of this and move on. -- I might venture to guess that you have a nurturing/co-dependent tendency at least which is sometimes part of BPD. You may want to "fix" people with similar traits because you "understand" them and feel as though you can get through to them.

Just get focused on starting school again. Do some soothing things for yourself to distract yourself and get out of the ruminating cycle. Some people benefit from putting a rubberband on their wrist and snapping it when you find yourself ruminating or dwelling. This is not self-abuse Self abuse produces harmful results physically on top of whatever relief it's intended to bring. Snapping a rubberband doesn't cause physical lasting harm but it provides relief through distraction.