[tryingrealhard]

Hello: I am here, desperate for advice, guidance, insight. I will be brief: I was married for 13 years to my high school girlfriend (married her at 19). We have two children (22 and 16). She cheated on me and left me with the girls. I am a teacher; I tried my very best to hold it all together, but am depressed and anxious still. I spent ten years celibate, raising the girls and teaching.

Fast forward to the present: I met a wonderful woman; she has two boys (8 and 9) and was going through a messy divorce. We fell in love. We married in May of 2015, after dating for a year and blending our families.

I love her, but am experiencing a slue of problems relating to my formerly being cheated on, and the fact that her boys are NIGHTMARES!

My most pressing issue, currently, is that she works with an ex-boyfriend. They were together for two years, before her marriage. He is her boss! They were sexually involved. She must travel for her job three times a year. She travels with him. She even had him pick her up at our home to travel to the airport together. She travels to Vegas, Texas, California. So, while I am home caring for HER primitive and rude children, she is off with the guy, doing god knows what.

Though I want nothing more than to trust her, I can't shake the mental movies, the fabricated scenarios. My anxiety has never been higher, my depression is at an all time high.

I am newly married. I am supposed to be happy!!! I just can't deal with this travel situation. I really don't know what to do!! He works in her office and I imagine them closing the door and..........

I REALLY love this woman, but am so afraid that either my trust issues, coupled with my depression and anxiety will wear her out, or that I may just run.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

For a man who was devastated by the collapse of his first marriage, due to her cheating, these events, especially traveling, have presented the greatest challenges I have faced in my 45 years on this planet!!!

Sincerely,

tryingrealhard

[divine1966]

I am so sorry you feel anxious. I so understand what you feel. I wonder if you rushed into marriage as these issues didn't just appear today.

. I am not sure what to advice. I am more mortified that you take care of her unruly children than her potential cheating. That fear is irrational but poorly behaved kids is a real deal. What does she do to help the situation

My ex's adult daughter lived with us and it contributed to my leaving him. He refused to tell her anything and insisted on having to help her. She trashed up the house every day, kept me up all night watching TV, had horrible hygiene, didn't give us any space etc my ex was stressed about it but stopped addressing it because every time he did she started screaming and slamming doors. It was awful. Of course your situation is different as they are minors but still she needs to have some rules for them!

Are you in therapy? You might benefit from it

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[Rose76]

Your wife going on these trips with an old boyfriend is really not a cool situation. Any normal husband would resent it. I think you should have made her quitting that job a condition of the marriage. Maybe you still can.

I don't know if this will help any, but I once had a relationship with a senior co-worker. It was pretty serious emotionally and the ending was painful. After it was over, we still had to work closely together.

The part that I want to emphasize is that after our relationship was over, we were extremely careful about how we interacted. It was difficult for us to interact at all for a while, so we were very polite and professional with each other.

We continued to work with each other on a daily basis for three more years and nothing else ever happened between us, not even so much as a kiss on the cheek or hand holding.

Keeping our interactions polite and professional was a way to make sure they didn't go anywhere we didn't want them to go and to be able to work with each other productively.

If your wife has a professional job, sometimes childcare expenses can be a valid travel expense. Since the two of you are married, I don't know if this would apply. If you can afford it, and she's going to continue to travel, I'd definitely look for a part-time nanny.

You could also talk to your wife about changing jobs to one with less or no travel. For the two of you to learn to parent her sons together, you really need to both be there. (I'm good at stating the obvious.)

It does sound like all of you could use some professional guidance, too, so I'm going to keep with the tradition of these forums and recommend therapy for all of you.

[IceCreamKid]

The first thing I would do is stop laying all your problems at the doorstep of "cheated on." The common thread between you and your first wife and you and your second wife is you. I suggest you set up therapy for yourself to help you understand yourself, why you chose the women you did to marry, and how to enjoy being married to your present wife.

Then I suggest you and your present wife get family counseling. This will help you start working together and will help you with the children.

[tryingrealhard]

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses. She is currently looking for another job with less or little travel, and of course not traveling with this person. Her parenting skills are poor, but getting better. She is on board with me: we have instituted behavior charts, chores, routines, etc. They both do horribly in school, especially in the behavior department. Currently, I am in therapy and studying mindfulness and meditation. I feel terrible to put this pressure on her regarding her job. I knew about the travel when we married, but didn't know about the ex thing until after, nor did I realize I would be primary caregiver ALL summer, any breaks from school, or during this trips. I find myself visualizing all of these horrid scenarios, while at the same time caring for her rude, inappropriate children. I love this woman with all of my heart, but issues with her ex-husband (daily), the kids, her job, her anxieties, have caused my own depression and anxiety to resurface in a big way. Well....thanks again. I guess advice is not needed, as much as support.

[Rose76]

You are completely justified in all you say. She needs to lose that job and all contact with the ex-boyfriend. And it's high time she makes these kids her number one priority. You are neither father nor mother, and way too much responsibility for these boys is being put on you, IMHO. You are the one least in need of therapy. She and those boys need some family therapy.

Lucky for everyone, you seem to have some clue about the leadership kids need. She should be so very grateful and following your lead on how to get these kids in hand, which it seems, at least, she is doing.