Relationship (breakup)

Hello all , i met this girl i know at work and we started to date a month ago , so everything was going good until this morning when i got a msg saying this Hey, i gotta say something.
Im not happy with the way things are going with us and its time to end what we have going on.
Sorry but its done.
I met up with my ex today and we got back together.
Sorry.

I was thinking , the night before we were talking on how she will get to school as she has no car , so i said well u can take my car while im working and then she lost it . she said any guy who offered me help gets shut out of my life completely , me not knowing she had a trust issue .. i didnt know so i said well can we work things out together , i told her shes not alone anymore i can help .. she said yes then i wake up in the morning and get that message , ive been dating her for a month so its not long but its my first girlfriend im kinda upset and angry bc if she says is true getting back with her ex it bothers me bc he is abusive and a bully . from what i got out of her .. it was odd because everything before this fight we were happy her kids were happy with me being around always asking if im coming over and all .. i just dont know what to do i guess move on ? or she just saying she is getting with her ex just for a excuse ? maybe i was to aggressive ? and clingy perhaps . i just wish things would turn out good for me for once . every time things look good something happens even quicker . btw she is 29 and im 24 she has 2 kids 8 and 9 and i have no kids . and i still live in my parents she has her own house and was recently separated from her husband . all and all im frustrated and pissed and upset . not sure why a grown man will cry over this only after a month but i was . its affecting my work i was told to . im not sure how to get over it . any help would be apperated and sorry if this is the wrong forum to post this mods can move if necessary

Hi shaneomac. Welcome to Psych Central. Sorry about the breakup. Sounds like she needs a lot of help to process former relationships.

Many people here at PC find they can share these feelings and what they are going through with the confidence that people go through similar things and can empathize. So many forums are offered as well as Chatrooms (after you have 5 posts or comments on others posts). Anxiety (including social anxiety) is at 8PM EST Wednesday.

You can also be an active member in other ways like supporting others in their questions, reading articles and posts http://forums.psychcentral.com that are applicable to your area of concern. A therapist is a good option in this situation. If not possible, there is a resource where you can submit a question and volunteer therapists answer as their time allows. Ask the Therapist

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.[/QUOTE]
Thank you very much ,, ill update this as well as i found out some new stuff today about her , apparently she was sleeping with another man while i was dating her ...and her ex husband was apparently home for a bit and not actually out of town ! .. im so angry and upset crying all day now im just furious on what just happened ...... i feel like a big baby but i cant help but cry .

Hi. Gosh that sucks that this happened, especially in the thoughtless manner it did too. I realize she and the relationship were really important and meant a lot to you but consider yourself fortunate that this happened only a month in. Imagine this happening after the investment of more time especially once routines become more established. How difficult it would have been if you'd had a relationship with the children.

There are a host of possible reasons why she would go back to her ex. Women who are abused (physically or emotionally) may return again and again to their abuser. They do this for reasons that they may feel it safer to deal with the known than the unknown. Many abused women are made to feel as though they are not worth anything more than their abuser and are in effect tied to them. Perhaps being told what to do by her ex is so ingrained she is scared of what he will do if she doesn't follow. Maybe she is scared of what he will do to you. Maybe she feels her children are in danger.

So, this breakup may have nothing at all to do with you or how good the relationship was.

Oh wow sorry that happened to you.

But it might be a blessing to you. It seems she might have impaired judgement or lack of maturity. If she isn't legally divorced and only separated she could wait for dating and only after a month she already had you over meeting her young kids? Then she just dumps you?. She is confused and lost

You are better off!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Ya thats what i was confused about .. i do miss her and the kids for sure tho .. had fun with the kids they were great all like to pick on me tho LOL

looks like my post fell in the wrong order.

Yes this sounds like it might be a good thing after all. Still it won't erase the emotional pain and devstation

Hi Shane. I'm sorry you've been through such a hurtful experience. This girl sounds like a head case to me. A young woman who separates from her abusive husband, then dates someone, and then goes back to the ex has got issues that you really don't need to be dealing with. Watch out she doesn't try to reconnect with you to try and drag you into the middle of some three way drama involving her ex and herself. She doesn't sound like too nice of a person.

Not only is she 5 years older than you, but she's got more mileage on her, in terms of life experiences. I'ld strongly urge you to look for someone who's closer to you in terms of what they've experienced in life.

I personally would not date someone who wants to bring strangers ( knew only a month) meet her/his young children. Not just meet but hang out? Heck no. She is lucky you are a nice man.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I immediately thought about the involvement with the kids thing too. I'm so glad I wasn't alone in thinking that. Spot on.

That is just one more indication her head isn't on straight. Meeting her children is one thing, that you would be involved is another. That is not showing on her part any forethought and ability to prioritize, ability to respect, nor make appropriate choices.

Consider youreself fortunate to have escaped what could have been a great deal of drama in your life.

That, however, does not negate the feelings of sorrow, devastation, and grief you are feeling right now. You DID fall for this person. You HAD found a place in your heart for her. You WERE attached to her.

My suggestion is to get active - yes, get out of the house and do something. You need to fill that gap that was created when she left you. Talk to people - not just us but try to find someone to confide in. Change up your routine - that too will fill the gaps. And finally - this is from personal experience - try not to fall into the trap of feeling guilty. YOU did nothing wrong my friend.

Thanks for kind words , as i said i got work with her today .... not sure how that is going to work out .. cant call off as just being with her already caused me to get in trouble from my manager for not focusing on work . im afraid on what is going to happen to me , im not in my right mind im afraid to to go to the hospital for help .. but i have noone to talk to im home by myself with noone to talk to .. i feel isolated i find it really hard to go out and do something .. as i feel stuck .. i hate it its only been 3 days and i still cant get her out of my head . listening to all these sad songs might not be the best thing for me but i do anyways . im just love sick i hate it really changes the way i am . but thanks for all the nice replies ..

Are you in any position to switch jobs?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Unfortunately i cant .. been working here for 8 years .. I just wish things didnt turn out like it did .. so frustrated .. god i hate how my brain is not wired right for this .. its like im a whole different person i put on a fake smile all the time and really im not that happy im broken inside and i just dont like letting people know the real me .. so the little things set me off and its not a good trait .

It's tough. I dated someone at work before. It's terrible if you break up! There is nothing wrong with your brain. People at work don't need to know that you are struggling. It's going to get better

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

oh that is unfortunate that you work in the same place, ouch.

Remember that it is likely as uncomfortable for her as it is for you. That knowledge might help.

Would it help to raise the issue with a supervisor? There have been times I've had to get involved.

What about communication with her? Are you two able to talk at all? Are you comfortable then letting her know your own expectations for keeping this out of the workplace?

What a can of worms my friend, my thoughts are with you. This can't possibly be any fun at all.

I am truly sorry you've experienced this. But you need to learn to accept the fact that dating is a journey, a process, not an event. One month does not a relationship make. It appears that things were moving too quickly. You should not be involved with a dating partners children within the first month or even first few months.

I take a tough love position when it comes to men and women who allow themselves to become too deeply invested in a new dating partner so early on. In the very beginning, it is important to manage your emotions and expectations with a new dating partner.

The truth is that you are still very young and you were dating a woman who had a tons on her plate. In addition, you do not have the life experience yet to be able to manage a complicated dating scenario such as this one.

In the future, look for dating partners who don't have so much to carry. You want your dating experiences to be light, fun, unencumbered, not bogged down in drama, scheduling difficulties because of a dating partner's children, etc.. And, avoid dating people who have recently come out of another relationship.

Furthermore, it is very common for women who were with abusive partners to return to them after breaking up. It is a sign of significant issues that that woman has to deal with that would certainly burden your relationship with her.

My point is, you dodged a bullet here. Take solace in knowing that this relationship would have been fraught with difficulty and turmoil.

My manager knows about this i dont think she gives a dam about me from what i was hearing about her .. whihc sucks bc im not a bad guy all i want to do is help people .. , but i was at work today and saw her but i did not say hi because i dont feel comforable talking to her at this time , as im actually pissed off from waht i heard about her last night while i was with her . im hoping we can resolve this and hope things will be back to normal before we got together as we were good friends . she ****ed me over she played me this whole time being with another guy while i was with her like WTF man i dont think i deserve this im so heartbroken people think im melodramatic and **** but i cant help it i wasnt in my right mind lately i dont want to do some ****ed up **** someone was worried i was being suicidal which i dont think im that unstable to do that . i am going to go to the hosptial tommorow to see someone about this . as i cand do it alone .. it was so hard to work today with her on my mind . i hope things will work out i really liked her and really wanted to be part of her life we were so happy i hate this feeling i really do . everything i drive by i just get that sad feeling that this will never happen again this girl wasw the first girl i ever had sex with .. and i never thought i would every have sex with someone who i didnt really love i did love her when i was with her but then this happened so i feel guilty i hate it everytime i think of this it bothers me i get this bad feelign my stomach grr why im i such a little 13 year old .. gr but thanks for letting me vent on this site its helping me muchly ! someone i think almost called the cops on me because of my facebook post .. my parents found out but they are out of of town . .. i got work with her tomorrow to ....

Thanks for reply this is my first every date or relationship or whatever and everything was going great ,, even tho she had kids and a ex husband and now a ex boyfriend who she went back with .. i ****ed up i really did . i know i made as mistake to be to attached i hate it .. i just wish i understood what i did wrong .

Most likely YOU didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like she has alot going on in her head to be honest. Her allowing you into her childrens lives so soon to me is a huge red flag.

Im sorry your hurting and please get help if you feel you can not stay safe. please know that this hurt is going to fade as the days go on, You will feel better, you will find someone to love and be loved back. She just wasn't the right one. I don't know anyone that doesn't at least one " not right person" on there life.

Be kind to yourself and stay safe.

Ultimately we want you to get help if you feel overwhelmed or in danger.

none of us wil fault you or think less of you. In fact, it takes a big person to ask for help.

Please let us know how you feel after you see someone.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

You didn't do anything wrong. It simply wasn't the right person or situation for you or her. That is part of the process. Discovering whether or not a person is right for you. It's not a matter of being wrong. If you did anything wrong per se, all you did was let yourself become too emotionally attached too soon. And, really, it was simply being caught up in endorphins -- the "high" people feel when they've met someone and have been enjoying spending time with them. That usually wears off anyway at some point and the parties involved start observing reality in terms of the type of person they are with, who they are, what else is going on in their lives, etc.

Just chalk this up to a learning experience and don't let it carry over into new dating scenarios. In other words, don't let the hurt you're experiencing prevent you from dating in the future and being scared of getting hurt. Observe each new dating partner for who they are and let them demonstrate their ability to meet your needs for dating/a relationship. Everyone gets a "clean slate".

Ya i understand i went to the hospital to get admitted as i was feeling suicidal , they put me in overnight .. im still uspet today as well . but thats the problem i do get attached this was my first real relationship and everything was going good until i set her off with offering her some help .. which i think ultimaly caused her to break up with me i just wish i didnt push it .. thats why i never wanted to be in a relationship because bad luck follows m,e around every time im happy something bad happens .. i hate it i have this anxious feeling everytime something is good happening so thats why i never like to be happy . .. sad life it is . but i cant help it . Thanks alot for the kind words folks yous help me alot ! .. hope time heals wounds they do say it does but right now i just cant come to believe it .

Update , she actually deleted me off fb .. now im wondering why .. ?

Its good your no longer "friends" on Facebook. Bad enough you have to see her at work. you dont need to see her on social media to. Its hard to move past someone when they are still in your life all over the place.

I am serious... You probably dodged a giant shyt storm by her ending things and going back to her EX, You didnt do anything wrong she went back to someone that she said was/is abusive. SHE did that. Not you.