Teenagers and their mothers

Hi All,

New guy, first time on the boards etc,etc.

I'm not even sure if this is the right forum so i'll take it on the chin if I need to take this elsewhere.

My wife and my teenage (step) daughter (14) have been at it like cat and dog for over a year now. On each occassion the daughters boundary pushing gets a little worse. The last out burst concluded with her running away from home.

After a long conversation with her ex last night, my wife found out that her daughter (who lives a pretty damn good life and wants for nothing) bad mouths her mother from the moment she arrives at her dads for her access weekends. He tells us she pretty much doesnt stop until she leaves. SHe says some pretty terrible things and if only half of it were true (which it is not) it would make your hair stand on end.

Anyway, the point (and there is one) is finding out all this stuff has cut my wife to the core and pushed her to the edge. She tells me today that she is at the point where she just wants to pack our daughter bags and tell her to go live with her father. Surprise, surprise, he doesnt want her.

My poor wife is in such a state and so hurt that she is now seriously questioning her worth as a mother and person. She tells me she is thinking about leaving (all of us) because she is obviously a bad mother, bad wife and doesnt want to damage our other children. She was sobbing her heart out when she told me, she thought this was the only way to stop this happening with our other kids (7yr old twin girls).

I want to support her through this but have no idea where to start. I have told her that if she needs to pack a bag and go away for a few days or even weeks, we'll make that happen.

I hope this was the right thing to do. I wanted to beg her to stay but I know this would be about me and not about her.

When the daughter was confronted ,she said she like the fact that mum lived with the uncertainty of her going to her fathers or running away. When mum thought this might happen she backed off of her about things like homework, boys, chores etc.

Any views would be appreciated.

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When the daughter was confronted ,she said she like the fact that mum lived with the uncertainty of her going to her fathers or running away. When mum thought this might happen she backed off of her about things like homework, boys, chores etc.

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i'm a little bit confused. did mum back off of disciplining the child?

Hi Sage7 and welcome to PC!

You posted in just the right place....no worries

Oh boy, it sure does sound like you all have your hands full with a rebellious teen. I've raised 2 girls, now 24 and 29. It wasn't easy and we too ended up with a blended family and a couple of step parents.

I have a couple of thoughts regarding your issues here. Fourteen is a tough age where the girls are struggling with self-esteem issues, the breakup of her parents, the marriage of her parents to other partners, trying to find herself and battling being a child and becoming a young woman, boundary issues, etc etc etc. (not to mention raging hormones *sigh*) Her world is topsy turvey to say the least right now. Does that give her the right to be mean? Oh hell no, but, I'm sure some real heart to heart discussions with her are definitely called for.

I'm sorry your wife is at her wits end and now taking all this on her shoulders and thinking she is a bad parent. Please let her know that even good parents have kids who rebel and cause hate and discontent as they are growing. This is not a reflection on her as a parent, but a situation that needs some drastic attention.

If mum and daughter could spend some quality time together, just the two of them so they can have some fun, have some girl time, go shopping or out to have their hair done or even a walk in the park together, it may help tremendously. I wonder if your teen is feeling as though she is being ignored or her needs are not quite being met so the only attention she gets is when she does negative things?? I could be way off base here, it's just a thought. So many times we parents get caught up in the day to day hassles and forget to give positive re-inforcement to our kids daily.

Maybe when your teen is in a good mood, you can all sit down together and draw up the rules of the house with her input. Working together and listening to each other through this process is important for her to take ownership in being a productive familly member.

Maybe it's to the point that there is no patience between mum and daughter anymore. If that is the case, then I would suggest some family counceling. Getting everyone on the same page can be difficult at times and counceling can help the situation.

Just some thoughts thrown out for you. I don't know if they are relevant to your situation or not, but I hope they are helpful.

I wish you all strength and love as you work through this process. Best of luck to you all!

Hugsssss
J