[Needeles]

Hello all. I'm still rather new here but did come here as a first step of sorts. Please forgive the wall of text coming but I want to try and give the full pucture or at least what I can.

Some backround - I've been with a wonderful woman for almost 13 years, married for 3 of them and we have a 6 yr old son. We have always had our issues but seemed to have been able to work through them. About 9 months ago we had a pretty big falling out where she moved out for about a month. The reason for this was because mostly due to me. I have alot of mental health issues. I've been in and out of treatment type settings since I was very young trying to deal with them. When her and I met she was aware of these issues for the most part. As time went on I have tried to explain to her what I have and how it effects me in ways.

I'm not a very social person as I've been hurt alot in my life so in turn I don't tend to go out often or meet people. This caused strain on us because she couldn't understand how intense it became when I did go out. I have tried doing it even tho it sucks but to try and make her happy. With all the moving I did growing up my school records got messed up and I never received my HS diploma. I've told her over the years that I would try to get my GED to try and better our life but everytime I try I fail miserably at it. I'm not one to give up easily but I do know when I need to step away for a bit and I've tried to explain this to her. I've had alot of anger issues growing up and for the most part can keep them in check but I used to get angry and I would say some pretty hurtful things to her. Afterhand I always regretted it and always let her know, of course saying sorry can only work so many times.

This for the most part leads up to where things are now. Over the years it has been a huge strain to her the way I am. I have tried treatments options and in the end they don't tend to work very well. Her mother passed away alittle over 2 years ago and at that point I noticed she became very closed off to me. I understood this as she was hurting. The problem is she never opened back up and this then became an issue for me. One thing I've always been is someone who needs openness. If there is a problem I need to know. Well with a combo of things stated above it has led into us separating. It is driving me insane. With the problems we have had I have always still loved her and been there for her. My moods have been nothing but erratic and my meds that I am currently on do not seem to be helping any. I try talking to her but I just get down right rude and mean in a sense. Now it's not anger that I feel it's complete sadness but it comes out in anger.

What my issue/question is, is how can I try and cope with this. I lost my family at a young age and have actually known my wife longer then I even knew them. I know part of it is I'm attached but I do also very much love her and can't stand the idea of my family being ripped apart. I try not to be mean or rude when we talk but it just comes out and then I regret it afterhand. She is still not 100% as to what she wants to do regarding us but with me being a jerk it def does not help. I have no friends to talk to nor family so I'm doing this alone. Any advise or help would be greatly accepted.

[Bill3]

I gather that you are reluctant to try further treatment options for yourself as "they don't tend to work very well". What problems have you had in treatment that make you shy away from it now?

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by Needeles

Hello all. I'm still rather new here but did come here as a first step of sorts. Please forgive the wall of text coming but I want to try and give the full pucture or at least what I can.

Some backround - I've been with a wonderful woman for almost 13 years, married for 3 of them and we have a 6 yr old son. We have always had our issues but seemed to have been able to work through them. About 9 months ago we had a pretty big falling out where she moved out for about a month. The reason for this was because mostly due to me. I have alot of mental health issues. I've been in and out of treatment type settings since I was very young trying to deal with them. When her and I met she was aware of these issues for the most part. As time went on I have tried to explain to her what I have and how it effects me in ways.

I'm not a very social person as I've been hurt alot in my life so in turn I don't tend to go out often or meet people. This caused strain on us because she couldn't understand how intense it became when I did go out. I have tried doing it even tho it sucks but to try and make her happy. With all the moving I did growing up my school records got messed up and I never received my HS diploma. I've told her over the years that I would try to get my GED to try and better our life but everytime I try I fail miserably at it. I'm not one to give up easily but I do know when I need to step away for a bit and I've tried to explain this to her. I've had alot of anger issues growing up and for the most part can keep them in check but I used to get angry and I would say some pretty hurtful things to her. Afterhand I always regretted it and always let her know, of course saying sorry can only work so many times.

This for the most part leads up to where things are now. Over the years it has been a huge strain to her the way I am. I have tried treatments options and in the end they don't tend to work very well. Her mother passed away alittle over 2 years ago and at that point I noticed she became very closed off to me. I understood this as she was hurting. The problem is she never opened back up and this then became an issue for me. One thing I've always been is someone who needs openness. If there is a problem I need to know. Well with a combo of things stated above it has led into us separating. It is driving me insane. With the problems we have had I have always still loved her and been there for her. My moods have been nothing but erratic and my meds that I am currently on do not seem to be helping any. I try talking to her but I just get down right rude and mean in a sense. Now it's not anger that I feel it's complete sadness but it comes out in anger.

What my issue/question is, is how can I try and cope with this. I lost my family at a young age and have actually known my wife longer then I even knew them. I know part of it is I'm attached but I do also very much love her and can't stand the idea of my family being ripped apart. I try not to be mean or rude when we talk but it just comes out and then I regret it afterhand. She is still not 100% as to what she wants to do regarding us but with me being a jerk it def does not help. I have no friends to talk to nor family so I'm doing this alone. Any advise or help would be greatly accepted.

HI Needeles: Boy... you sound allot like me... sorry to say... We share allot of the same interpersonal issues. I'm much older than you are. But I am married & I do much the same things to my wife that you say you do. I have no other family & no friends (by choice). I simply don't get along with other people & so I have made the conscious decision to keep to myself. I also can't tolerate groups of people, much less crowds. So I seldom go out, except to walk our dog each day.

The obvious answer here is, of course couples counseling. But perhaps either you, or your s. o. are not comfortable with this. (My wife is counseling-averse, & I'm not much better!) One thing you do have going for you is that you recognize when you've said something hurtful... & you apologize. This is to be celebrated!

I don't have any great additional suggestions for you, unfortunately. What I try to do, without allot of success sad to say, is to simply create some space in conversations with my wife so that I don't simply react in the same old way all of the time. In other words, if she says something that might ordinarily trigger some automatic response on my part, I try to remember to pause & simply allow there to be some space between the end of what she says & how I reply. Sometimes simply creating that little bit of space can make it possible for me think before I just shut down & fire back in the same old hurtful way. This can be difficult to do in the heat of the moment & I am not often successful, I'm sorry to say. But I keep trying.

I wish you success in your efforts to heal your relationship. The fact that you have as much insight as you do is a great strength.

[Needeles]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I gather that you are reluctant to try further treatment options for yourself as "they don't tend to work very well". What problems have you had in treatment that make you shy away from it now?

I'm not so much reluctant to do more as I am just exhausted with trying more. My whole life has been nothing but seeing Therapists. I've been on god knows how many different meds as well. Very few things have worked and the few that did work I can't go back to. One thing that worked was as simple as finally meeting someone that talked to me like a normal human and not just another number. The amount of different meds I've been on has caused issues as well. I'm very lucky I have a son as I was told I would never have kids. I've been told I have so many different things wrong with me that I honestly don't know what I do and don't have anymore. The last doc I met with said I have PTSD now and so I'm trying to grasp what it is as well now. Overall just most things have not worked and it has drained me to try new things that may end up with just the same results.

[Needeles]

Originally Posted by Skeezyks

HI Needeles: Boy... you sound allot like me... sorry to say... We share allot of the same interpersonal issues. I'm much older than you are. But I am married & I do much the same things to my wife that you say you do. I have no other family & no friends (by choice). I simply don't get along with other people & so I have made the conscious decision to keep to myself. I also can't tolerate groups of people, much less crowds. So I seldom go out, except to walk our dog each day.

The obvious answer here is, of course couples counseling. But perhaps either you, or your s. o. are not comfortable with this. (My wife is counseling-averse, & I'm not much better!) One thing you do have going for you is that you recognize when you've said something hurtful... & you apologize. This is to be celebrated!

I don't have any great additional suggestions for you, unfortunately. What I try to do, without allot of success sad to say, is to simply create some space in conversations with my wife so that I don't simply react in the same old way all of the time. In other words, if she says something that might ordinarily trigger some automatic response on my part, I try to remember to pause & simply allow there to be some space between the end of what she says & how I reply. Sometimes simply creating that little bit of space can make it possible for me think before I just shut down & fire back in the same old hurtful way. This can be difficult to do in the heat of the moment & I am not often successful, I'm sorry to say. But I keep trying.

I wish you success in your efforts to heal your relationship. The fact that you have as much insight as you do is a great strength.

I would love if I was able to go out and be around people to be honest. It comes down to how uncomfortable and nervous I get honestly. Yes some people I'd rather not be around and I have no issue avoiding them sorts. I lost my family when I was young and it took me almost 7 years to finally open up and start to deal with that as a child.

I'm open to couples counseling but she isn't. I've tried to get her in to see someone alone even just to help with the death of her mother and she always says she doesn't need it.

I was doing much better at not being disrespectful twords her when I thought we both were working on things. Once I figured out that it was moreso one sided it started to become harder however. Now I'm at a point where it just comes out. She isn't living at the house any longer but we still talk using text and phone but it happens there. Just last night I got so engulfed into the conversation I said something that I never should have said and yet again once I simmered down I completely regretted saying it.

In the end I just don't know how to cope with this whole thing. The last time I hurt this bad was when I lost my biological family as a child. I've had other relationships and had strong feelings but never did they end with me feeling this lost. I don't want to fall into that same hole I did as a child but I see it but I can't seem to stop it.

[Bill3]

One thing that worked was as simple as finally meeting someone that talked to me like a normal human and not just another number.

You might then try someone who does person-centered therapy. The whole point of that approach is to listen to you with empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, and to show their understanding by what they say in response to you.

Person?Centered Therapy (Rogerian Therapy)

[Needeles]

Originally Posted by Bill3

You might then try someone who does person-centered therapy. The whole point of that approach is to listen to you with empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, and to show their understanding by what they say in response to you.

That actually sounds like something that could work. The issue now is finding someone or someplace that does such a thing.

[Bill3]

Person-centered therapy goes way back. Pretty much "all" therapists say that they treat clients with basic empathy, genuineness and unconditional positive regard. Many therapists go beyond that to include additional steps or methods to do, for example, CBT, psychodynamic, etc. I think you might ask for "pure" person-centered therapy. You can see it online. On youtube search for the "Gloria" session with Carl Rogers. Rogers created person-centered therapy, also known as client-centered therapy.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are hurting. It is commendable that you do recognize your struggles. I think Bill suggested something to you that sounds good. I don't know how to help but I do understand both you and your wife.

Words could never be taken back. But maybe there are some technique that might help. I have to try some myself. I had an argument with my BF past weekend which wasn't anything even that important but I said some hurtful things. Don't know why. I do that when I am stressed and tired so words just come out. He understood I didn't mean it but I have to not do that. It is damaging. My dad always that just says awful things in anger. I have to talk to my t about it.

I send you many hugs

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