My SO dropped to Part time from full time without telling me.

Seems to me that he did talk to you about it & you already said no but that he realized your no answer wasn't ok with him & what he was going through. I'm sure he felt that since he already talked to you & you said no that there was no point in talking to you again about what he felt he needed to do because you would only say the same thing.

I'm not saying it's right for him not to have communicated to you that this was what he was going to do but also when not married there is less of a feel of it being a required thing to tell the other person what they are going to do even though it would be the right thing to do & even when married some people tend to do their own thing anyway. Marriage doesn't guarantee that kind of respect but it is more implied in a good marriage because there is usually a deeper level of commitment to each other in a good marriage which I think might be part of what Rose76 is referring to also.

I understand the financial problems you are feeling as I was married for 33 years to a financially irresponsible H & it got so bad that I was finally able to escape.....but I still live from paycheck to paycheck I just don't have to fight with him over finances.....he kept saying that 2 can live together cheaper than 1 trying to keep me there but honestly what living with him was doing to me emotionally was too high of a cost to pay to live cheaper together even tho married. My mother died & I was able to take my inheritance & leave tho haven't been able to afford the divorce yet..lol..one expense not necessary when just living together since Oregon doesn't recognize Common law marriage after living together for 7 years.

My H had lost his job at the same time I was having serious problems with the direction my engineering career was going in. I didn't realize I was having a breakdown at the time & had hoped that Christmas holiday off work would get me back to functioning again..but it didn't & then the Northridge earthquake hit & life totally fell apart. Medical LOA didn't keep the money coming in either it just left the position I was having problems with any open when/if I could come back.

It sounds like your SO thought through his situation & did what he had to do in order to care for himself & his emotional state instead of pushing himself into a breakdown like I had. In this economy finding another job isn't that easy & it sounded like he couldn't continue the way he was going.

If your relationship is strong then working through this & working together to get something set up to bring in more money is possible. If there are underlying issues that over the years that have just been tolerated then this is the time they will come out & truly define the relationship you both have with each other. All relationships have their difficulties. The real quality of the relationship may define how well this difficulty will end up being worked through.

If my significant other loses his job or unable to work due to illness most certainly I would support him for the time being. But if he willingly quits then no not so much. And certainly not if we aren't even married. And he doesn't even address his mental health issues. It sounds too much

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We're not interested in getting married but we consider each other life partners. It doesn't have anything to do with lack of commitment or financial issues.

We need both incomes to pay the bills and for groceries, etc. However, I think we will be okay if we stay tight on our budget. I'm okay with this right now. I was more upset with how everything was handled. I've had a few days for all of this to sink in a little better and the shock is starting to wear off.

I don't want him to be miserable. If he needs to take a step back and get his bearings-- I'll be there for him. It's possible I'm too forgiving. I'm not sure but I feel like he would be there for me if I was in a crisis.

Neither of us believe in getting married-- It's just our personal choice.

It took me a few days to get over the shock of all of this. We are on a level where he should have talked to me before stepping down- But it's already done and there's no changing that. We're going to work through this together. I just needed a few days to gain clarity.

You're right. I don't think he would take to counseling very well. Although, I really wish he'd open up to it and give it a shot. It's really helped me in the past and that's what I'm hoping to get out of my new therapist.

Congratulations! You've just become a mother.

Zorja, I don't mean to sound flippant. I've been in your situation and I know how unfair it gets to be. You are bending over backwards wanting to be supportive and caring. Now that you are "over the shock," it doesn't seem so bad. You do second guess yourself and you are not fair to yourself.

My tablet misfunctioned, so had to start another post to finish.

Zorja, Re-read the things you first posted that I've quoted in my post above.

He told you he wanted to quit his full-time job, and you replied that you "weren't comfortable" with that. That was a mistake. A better response would have been, "No, Honey, you can't afford to do that. We are barely surviving as it is with both of us working full-time."

That is the reality of the situation, and you are the realist. So, now, you will have a few less nickles to spend when you need some new underwear or some other little item that you have a right to get yourself. Okay, with scrounging, maybe you will keep the roof over both your heads, but it will be more challenging than it's already been. You are now partially supporting him. That's why I said what I said. He is now your dependent. And he doesn't mind that . . . because when a woman loves you, she should be willing to take care of you . . . if she "believes" in you. He wants you to be his mother.

He is not depressed because his mother died. Everybody's mother dies eventually. That is cause for grief. Grief, even when it is profound, does not automatically cause depression. He's depressed because he doesn't like having adult responsibilities. He doesn't just hate that particular job he had. He hates the idea of having to go to work full-time anywhere. He hates that he can't make a living from his art. That's what is depressing him. So he has decided to retreat into a dream world, and you are a real stinker, if you won't believe in him. That's where he is coming from, IMHO.

The question is what do you do now? First, you've got to recognize what's going on here. You can keep making excuses for him, or you can recognize that he is running from responsibility. Plus, he's putting more responsibility on you. He wants you to shoulder more, so he can shoulder less. Simple as that. He wants to be taken care of.

No amount of him sitting in a therapist's office is going to make him not want what he wants. Maybe he is not a good enough artist to support himself by his art. Or maybe there just isn't enough of a market for what he produces. Sometimes people have to face that a dream just isn't going to come true. I've heard of people starving and suffering for their art. That can be a testament to their courage and faith in their calling. But asking someone else to suffer for your ambition is a whole other story.

I think your first reaction to your s.o.'s decision to cut his hours was a fair and reasonable reaction. It will be interesting to see how he responds to the belt tightening that this reduction in income causes. Maybe he'll start complaaining that there aren't enough goodies in the refrigerator. See just how willing he is to make real sacrifices for the freedom to pursue his art.

He quit his job because he knew you will support him. Bet you he'd work full time and maybe two jobs if there was no woman to support him or he had a woman who's refuse to do that.

You sound like a great person but it sounds like you trying to rationalize such existence and him taking advantage of you . Seems so unreasonable. Two able bodied adults with no kids struggle so much. Life should be a bit more fun I think. Less misery

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Zorja, you come across as a kind hearted, understanding and lovable person. I hope the spreadsheet you do regarding your expenses shows him how much he needs to cut back on his spending, I would keep the fridge and cupboards half empty, give him a bit of a shock when he goes to them for a snack. I know it sounds a bit harsh but, he didn't give you any thought when he reduced his hours and wages, the only reason he told you is because you'd notice that he couldn't pay towards the bills.
You say you see each other as life long partners, does he still think that? Hopefully, he'll see how stupid he's been and can get full time hours. So he doesn't enjoy his job, does anyone? I work because I've got bilks to pay and a roof to keep over my head, come Sunday evening I'm dreading the Monday and love Fridays when I know I have 2 days off.

Going to be the devil's advocate here, but I know personally that I ended up in a bad place in my career & had no idea that how bad it was was driving us to a breakdown & I pushed myself until that's what it ended up being. It would have been wise of me to take care of myself but my H had lost his job just at that time. It started to hit me around Thanksgiving time that year & by the new year, I was so sick I couldn't go back to work. I kept calling in sick & then the earthquake hit & everything closed down for almost a week & the freeway collapsed between my home & where I worked which only added even more stress when I did try to go back it took me 6 hours just to drive to work a normal 1 1/2 hour drive.

It ended up not mattering whether my H didn't have a job, I had pushed myself to the point where I couldn't function & had a total breakdown. I hadn't lost my mother & there wasn't anything serious that happened in my life other than a long time bad marriage & my career had actually been my escape from that.

The thing is that it didn't matter what financial condition we were in, I had pushed myself in the bad place at work until I mentally & physically couldn't do it any longer. Maybe your SO was trying to actually avoid ending up in the same situation that I ended up in? He did run it by you initially & you just said NO rather than sitting down together & figuring out financially what would REALLY WORK. He went on past that but then finally did drop his hours & did what he knew he needed to do for himself. That was when you got upset & then went over your budget....something you could have done in the first place & saved all the bad feelings in your relationship.

Maybe for me it was the best because I ended up on disability very quickly after that which did give me some amount of money to continue to live on but it didn't cover the bills that we had having both been engineers living on that level of income. He did get a job right at the time of the earthquake also but he had issues & that only lasted for a short while & I was in & out of the mental hospitals at that point with medical expenses that were impossible to pay. Sometimes things happen & we just have to adapt to what is required no matter how bad it is.

Just saying there seems to be this other side that no one seems to be looking at & just making out how possibly bad your SO acted rather than thinking that maybe he really was doing self care if he did decide that his only choice was what he did for his own well being.