My SO dropped to Part time from full time without telling me.

I’m trying to cope with anxiety, depression and ADD. I started seeing a therapist. I’m on the waiting list to see a psychiatrist. I have panic attacks on a regular basis. I have financial worries. I feel like I’m living paycheck to paycheck.

My SO of 8 years just stepped down from his full time job to a part time position without telling me. He’s also getting a slight pay cut by making this change. He’s been dealing with depression. He lost his mother and a close friend. His mother died of cancer. Our friend died from a freak accident and it’s been hard to deal with.

We’re both artists. He wants to work on his art more and possibly sell items at craft fairs or online. He wanted to reduce his hours a couple months ago and I made it clear that I wasn’t comfortable with that. He hated his fulltime job. I suggested looking for another job—but that wasn’t good enough. He wanted to reduce his hours and work on his art. I said I’d feel more comfortable if we saved money before doing anything like that—of course, that hasn’t happened. There are days when I’m waiting for our paychecks to hit our accounts so we don’t get any overdrafts or so I can buy whatever it is that we need—or pay whatever bill needs to be paid.

I’ve been trying to figure out ways to save money—couponing, cheaper meals, walking to work instead of taking the bus, etc… But it’s still not enough in the end. I just want to feel like I can go from one week to the next without worrying about paying rent.

He talked to his boss about this change two weeks ago. I just found out on Saturday. I feel betrayed, lied to, let down. He feels like I’m not being supportive in what he wants to do. I love him but I’m not okay with any of this. I don’t know how to react. I feel overwhelmed and I’m still trying to process how I’m feeling. In the end I just feel very, very hurt. I’m looking for an outside perspective. I feel lost.

Of course you'll feel betrayed. That's a huge financial burden that he just placed upon you for his self interest. Granted, he just suffered many losses in a short time, but that's no excuse to drag you down into a financial hole. Then to get emotive on you by claiming it's You not being supportive. I just peeled back from reading a couple psych articles, it's really not my place to slap a label...I'm sure others may.

Thank you for replying.

I second guess my feelings. I've been cycling from sadness, anger, guilt to confusion. I don't want him to be stuck in a job that he's not happy in-- he said the he didn't tell me because he knew I wouldn't agree to him stepping down. He said he was in a really bad place and it had to happen. He said that any time he tried to talk about it I just suggested finding another job- and that wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want to work 40 hours a week.

He thinks he can supplement his income with his art. I don't think it's possible. I think it can give us a boost on occasion but It's not going to make up the hours lost. Which in his eyes-- that means I'm not believing in him.

When we first talked about this I suggested trying the market out first-- setting up a booth on some weekend and see if we can get anything to sell. He said his job sapped all of his energy and he wasn't able to do that. He thinks I should just believe in him and believe this can work... That feels like a guilt trip to me.

Do you work full time? Does one of you earn more than the other? This sounds like a hard situation all around. Hopefully, you can work something out together.

Been there, done that with accusations of not being supportive. I'm pragmatic and it didn't even affect my income. Sounds like you offered a viable suggestion with weekend tables. Starving artists aren't called starving without just cause, imo. I don't believe for one moment that you aren't supportive, reality does bite at times. And this does affect you financially. It's irresponsible of him.
I wish there was a better expression than a guilt trip. It's certainly projection.

I clipped this earlier, in regards to my been there, done that..not sure if you can relate, but here goes...

"*If the narcissist does not want to keep a promise and you become upset, your feelings*won’t be*validated, there will be no apology or*show of empathy. Instead,*the narcissist will vilify you*for being upset and blame you*for your lack of empathy*for not considering that they may have had a bad day. You will*be labeled as selfish and demanding for expecting the poor narcissist to*honor his/her word like a normal adult. However, if you have a bad day, don’t expect to*receive the same concessions."
http://relationshipedia.me/2015/06/1...ntrol-tactics/

Your SO should've discussed it with you, how would he have felt if was the other way round and you didn't discuss it with him. He's selfish, he knew when he discussed it with you a couple of months ago that you weren't happy. Does he think money grows on trees? You need to take control, by that I mean, you need to take charge of his wages, pay the the important bills like mortgage/rent, gas/electric, phone etc. If you have any loans see if you can work out a smaller payment. Does he have credit cards? If he does then cut them up and cancel them, and work out how to pay any amount owed in smaller payments. Get all this down on paper on what your outgoings were each month and let him know how short you'll be with him cutting his hours. This is not your fault but, I feel you're the mature one that can take control.
Making your own lunches will cut costs when it comes to his work.
Let him see how much has to change now his wages are less.

I work full time and I make more than he does. He was able to get 36 hours this week and next week-- I'm not sure if that's what he wanted or if he's doing it because of my reaction. I think it's possible that he has felt overwhelmed and it felt like this is something he had to do-- but I'm still upset that he didn't talk to me before he did it and it took him 2 weeks to tell me about it.

Yeah, I couldn't think of a better way to describe it that the time. I felt like he had made this decision without me this and was trying to turn it around on me in some way.

Because that's pretty much what it is. By holding him accountable he shifts the shame back in your direction.

Thank you for posting this but I don't think he's a narcissist. I think he's overwhelmed and depressed. He didn't know what to do and he made a bad decision.

I also think that, right now, he can't see past his own issues. He doesn't see what's going on with me. He can barely raise his head above his own problems. That doesn't make any of this right but I'm trying to understand what's going on with him.

The truth is....that MANY artists/performers/actors....well, the creative "job" is merely a side job until it can pay the bills. They usually keep full time jobs which are enough to pay the bills until the artistic pursuits are bringing in enough money. Sometimes that means working nights at the paying job so you can act during the day, or maybe in his case, he keeps his full time job and drops other activities, maybe getting less sleep so that he can put energy into his art. I think it is a bit unrealistic to just drop your hours and think that you can start making money off of your art right away. It rarely happens like that.

So yes, you do have a reason to be upset!

Great advice-- thank you. I've been handling our bills for a while now. I'm going to set up a budget in excel this week-- probably later today after work. He was eating fast food on his work days and we already have meals planned out for the week for him to take instead. I think he's feeling a little justified because he's been able to get 36 hours for the next two weeks-- but there's no promise that it will stay that way. I wish he'd recognize that.

Thank you. I wish he understood this! This is exactly what I've been trying to tell him. He's sold pieces in the past but nothing that would equal an income.

How long was he at this job and how long at the one before it?

He's worked at the store for about nearly 2 years. He got full time less than a year ago.

You wrote: "He feels like I’m not being supportive in what he wants to do. I love him but I’m not okay with any of this. I don’t know how to react. I feel overwhelmed and I’m still trying to process how I’m feeling. In the end I just feel very, very hurt. I’m looking for an outside perspective. I feel lost."

If you are working -- even part time, you are indeed being supportive. Support isn't just emotional, it is financial, too, when it comes to partnerships. He did a stinkin' thing and he did it like he did because he knew you were't going to be cool with it.

Now you'll have to decide to suck it up and live more cheaply in the short term until he starts bringing in more money; leave him and try to live on your own; or you yourself bring in more money. As for the emotional end of the support issue, he needs to own up and apologize for the under-handed way he did things and promise not to do something like that again--with the understanding that you'll leave him if he does. Unless you always want to be the one carrying the relationship--that's your choice.

One more thing--financial sacrifices should be his to make, too; no lattes for him if you are drinking water you draw from the tap. Too often people who do what he did are selfish in other ways too.

I asked curious of previous financial instability within your relationship. Something to consider long term.

We've had money issues in the past. We both worked at the same company that closed down due to bankruptcy. We've been struggling but I thought things were getting better for us.

I feel like I've been burying my head in the sand the last couple of days. I've gone home and slept and I haven't done much else. I know this isn't the right response and I need to shake out of this.

Would you say this was a result of an emotional crisis due to significant loss? Which can test one's purpose in life. Was there any leave of absence options with the current employer? Was counseling ever an option? How long is he giving himself, to see results?
Going through a financial hardship such as a layoff doesn't mean a pattern of financial instability, like I was curious if existed. When about to marry, my home experienced the first wave of recessions during the new millennium. My then husband did find work, but felt a bit demeaning as it was different than what he was accustomed to, and as he turned 40 with a baby on the way, he turned in his keys. Was then able to immediately regain them and stayed for the next twelve years. A one year mark on a job that replaced one that he stayed at fifteen years prior with major life changes about to incur was a milestone. Yet, because he stayed, granted this summer another upheaval after a major buyout made official in April, he brings a skillset to his new employer that he'd never have had if not for pushing through that hurdle.
I've never once felt like I was the main financial provider with him in the picture, nor would he hear of such a thing.

Thank you, IceCreamKid.

He will be making a lot of the financial sacrifices-- brown bagging and no small luxuries until I have a better understanding of where our budget lands.

I considered ending our relationship but it's not something I'm ready to do at this point. I really do care about him. I think this is a terribly selfish thing that he's done but I'm willing to stick it out and work with him but I won't put up with this kind of behavior again. I'm not a doormat. I matter. My feelings matter.

I would say that a lot of this has to do with the recent loss of his mother and our friend. He took a leave of absence when we found out his mother was sick. He flew back to the Midwest (We live in Oregon) to help out while she was sick and was there when she passed. He stayed long enough to help his sister with the estate and then he came back to Oregon. He worked part time for a little bit and then got the promotion to full time. We were able to take off work long enough to attend our friend's funeral.

He's been unhappy in the full time job-- he thinks it's below him. He's a multi tasker and the position had him stuck in one spot throughout the day. He needs to move around and feel useful-- but the position was a stepping stone to management position, which he thrives at. His depression seems to be getting deeper over the last few months. We talked about counseling but he's not interested. He barely talks to me when he's upset.

He was drinking 2-3 beers every night after work. He hasn't drank anything since he stepped down to part time. I'm not implying he's an alcoholic-- but that was what he was doing to unwind each night.

All in all.. I know he wasn't happy in the position.. I suggested finding another job. I don't want him to be stuck in a job that makes him so unhappy-- I'm more upset with the lying and doing everything behind my back and only finding out 2 weeks after the fact.

Exactly. It was about not having a serious sit down discussion with planning. It was rash and abrasive.
How does he propose to make this up, to you?

Sounds like something inside his personality that amplifies with depression symptoms. His identity sounds in conflict. His unwillingness to talk might be due to not having insight as to what it is that eats at him. Counseling truly can be hit or miss, so I probably wouldn't make that a must. If they're just going to sit there and let the therapist do all the talking, probably not conducive to change. My exhusband said of anger management, that it was one on one and like I described and didn't magically make the inner turmoil go away. He tried zoloft without therapy and said he felt strange.

We can only attend to ourselves.

Eight years is a long time to be together. I take it you two live together. Is not being married a choice you've both made, or is getting married something that one of you is more reluctant to do than the other.

I'm not judging you, as I have a significant other of over 30 years friendship, and I've never opted for marriage. I'm just wondering if not being married is part of a larger pattern of one of you not wanting full commitment. (In my own case, I did not want to be financially responsible for my s.o., as he was not all that financially stable or responsible.)

Does this reduction in his income mean you have to subsidize him? I would be disturbed to have that happen to me.